More parts work

This all feels familiar so I am sure I've written most of it before.

I had supervision, we were exploring why I get angry at parents. 
One of the thoughts I have rather often when I am in this state goes something like: "Why do we expect children to be able to do things that parents (adults) can't?" 
My supervisor asked where that came from, and since I have been thinking about child self, I recognized that there is both a value and a wound there -I don't remember the question she asked, but I responded with that piece of wanting someone to play with me (and not getting reassured), and having to take care of others when I should have just been a kid (and being praised for it).

I asked my mom when Steve broke his arm the first time, (amongst a larger conversation about how my personality from birth has been like this) she said it was probably under 2, meaning I was 3-4. I have a flash image of the backyard monkey bars. My adult self sees my brother breaking his arm and no one being able to fix it. My 3-4 year old self?  did I see him in pain? Broken? Dead? And why... why didn't anyone catch him if he is so fragile?  (My mom reassures me that they were right there, but he was super quick -and I know this from my own experience of trying to get him to stop running into the street). I don't know what happened. What I do know is I spent my childhood worried that my impulsive brother would hurt himself and needed protecting. 




When I was very young, I got special alone time with my parents when I was sick or scared.

Throughout my life they have done a million special things for me: trips, parties, theater and art classes, music lessons, comic book stores, coming to classes. Many of my things were alone. I think I would often get jealous when I had to share it with my brothers or even my friends. I don't think I ever told my parents that. I am also struck by how often they allowed me to do things or supported me in doing things while saying I was responsible or mature enough (suggesting others wouldn't be at my age).

By peer standards I was not mature. My friends were more "mature" than me up until 13 even by my standards, but I have always been the cautious one. They wanted to play sports and they did tricks on their bikes and skateboards, and it was non stop cuts and bruises. I think I remember every single wipe out I have had.  But my friends also seemed to desire to fit in way sooner than I did,  they cared about boy fashions and knew the "cool" music, and blah blah blah. All I wanted to do was play toys and video games with them but was pressured into performing the boy role. It wasn't until I started flourishing as the caretaker role that I felt I had a place (other than tag-along), and often I still don't feel comfortable in social situations.


There are a bunch of incidents in my memory where my own or someone else's "fun" is paired with potential tragedy. And I think it really strongly reinforced my "you have to be the responsible one" mentality that I am projecting on the parents. 

It might have been 4th or 5th grade, Luke was one of the only friends who would still play make-believe games with me  He fell off the slide at the playground across the street, I saw but couldn't stop him, watched him slip and then nothing. Was he dead? I heard the worst scream I have ever heard. I knew it was my fault for not warning him. 

Our first real party, Pete almost accidentally broke up with his girl friend and choked on his own vomit in the middle of the night, because he drank too much to move on his own. Once, twice. I rushed across the room to save him. What if I had been asleep instead of worrying? What if I had gone home because I was the only sober person. My oldest and best friend could have died because everyone wanted to have fun and there was no one responsible. My friends driving drunk. My friends doing drugs. My friends getting locked up. My friends becoming addicts. I became the sober cab.

It Italy, I lied and covered for my friend's drinking. On numerous occasions people came to me asking for help. 

Gambling and drinking and smoking are fun. My friends and brothers became gambling addicts. Two of my friend's parents lost their houses due to their addictions. Another friend lost his father. Several of my friends are now alcoholics or addicted to weed, have lost jobs, relationships, etc. 

Sex is fun, at least 90 % of my sexual acting out was done before I was 16 and I hurt or may have hurt a bunch of people because I was acting on my "fun" and not being responsible. I still blame myself for all of this, and even though it is the same shame/guilt that keeps me from talking about it today -that I had then, I sort of wish someone had stepped in and talked to me/helped me not act out and find healthier alternatives. The thought that I have traumatized people is literally my nightmare, and yet, I have to acknowledge that I have and probably will again unintentionally. 

Nicki my first girlfriend basically had a panic attack because on a fun whim we drove to Winnipeg and she forgot her medicine. I didn't fully understand how something so good, suddenly felt nightmarish, and how little control I had over it.

Even recently, my sunburn (or even teaching) in Guatemala... I was trying to be adventurous and had to cancel my trip -two of the most shameful things I have done in my adult life. 

Baby making, on a whim thinking I was open enough to the universe to be a donor... realized I wasn't, felt shameful for backing out -worrying that I had not only disappointed them but hurt them.



Fun?

Fun is going to a concert by yourself and rocking the fuck out. Fun gets ruined when you suddenly start seeing your students at the concerts and they are underage drinking. Or gets ruined when you take your friend, brother or girlfriend and suddenly have to be responsible for getting them home safely. 

Fun is traveling -because you can be yourself without taking care of anyone else.

Fun is conversation, brainstorming and problem solving, cooking, movies, board games, toys, theater, listening to music, art, video games, reading, you either do it alone, or in a safe environment. 

Fun can be competition, within reason, and safely. It doesn't impose on anyone, and no one gets hurt. 
Fun is laughter, not at someone's expense. It's being imaginative, it's playing off each other. 
Fun is sex, when you trust them and they trust you, freedom and exploration and letting go. 
Fun is seeing people for who they are, when they can let you in a bit. 
Fun is a walk, not too fast, not too slow. Seeing and experiencing the surroundings. 

What else is fun?

Children are fun, they are amazing *and super exhausting, but they are fun when there are healthy people taking responsibility for them. Making sure they feel secure, making sure they can own their own experience and don't have to perform a role they don't understand for adults who refuse to take their own stuff seriously. Children are fun when they get to be themselves, and know they are loved for it.

Adults are fun that way too.