The Quest for Love

(Totally stole this image, sorry)

I complained for the longest time that I wasn't interested in anyone. I had had small crushes that didn't go anywhere -and I wasn't truly interested in any of them for having a relationship.
Now I find myself in a place where I do want a relationship (despite my better judgment) and keep falling for people who couldn't possibly be what I want/need (for me).
Which makes me feel both inadequate (the old how will anyone love me?) and really messed up for liking people who aren't on the same sort of path.

Its kind of a let down. I feel like there are a lot of things I need to work on, maybe things I need to get over about myself... but in the long run, whoever I want to really love me back will have to be someone I trust with all of it. Otherwise I will feel like I am sleazy... but these ones aren't the ones to be trusted.

Yep

I wanted to write, to be optimistic and conscious of the wonderful paths that people are on. To be in awe of the journeys, to be excited by the possibilities.
Things change so easily... gestures so (un)intended are so easily misconstrued as grievances.
but I had been enjoying the dazzle, the subtle openness, the intrigue and wonder of the removal of so many barriers.
Can't I long to be longed for?
Can't I enjoy my own desire for others?
Can't I love beauty in its mischievous and deviant as well as innocent and comfortable forms?
Can't I embrace the inner-workings, the underlying, the tension and relief?
Can't I fall, and fall hard as is only human, without worrying about the inevitable discomfort?
Can't I too, find someone to pick me up and hold me after?

Trading Cars

So I feel really weird about this... but I guess its a really nice deal. You see... I have had this Black 97 Toyota Corolla since I was 16 (not actually pictured). You see something similar above only mine is dented and beat up like a 13 year old car should be. My car and I went through a lot together. I even started calling it "the confessional" in my head because of all the intense conversations I have had in that car.
It has taken me across the country, got me through college, seen me with all three girl friends and generally I just really learned to love it. I have eaten in the car, slept in the car, kissed in the car, sang and cried in the car.
Anyway... its just a car.

It is also pretty beat up. Numerous small accidents, the trunk doesn't open, the cd player doesn't work properly, the starter is acting up, the tires are never properly inflated, the sound goes on and off, the volume knob is missing, the key sometimes doesn't work, the car is a screecher and generally its getting kind of old.

That being said, my mom mentioned a few months ago that she was planning on giving me her car when she got a new one... she said in the next year or two. So a few days ago she calls me and says she got a new car. Which means I get


.
The 2001 Toyota Avalon that my Grandma got a long time ago and gave to my mom when she couldn't drive anymore.
Its pretty luxurious.
Its pretty yuppie.
It feels kind of weird...
Its super big, actually has a working cd player, has multiple screens and fancy buttons I don't know what to do with. It has a door locker beepy thing. Its got features I don't know what to do with... its got nice seating and did I mention its huge?
I'm pretty sure it even has heated seats...

I pulled up into the Burger King Drive thru window and felt really fucking weird.
I know I am making a big deal out of nothing... but my students give me shit for growing up in St. Louis Park because they think its the suburbs.
I could never afford this car without it being a gift.

anyway... I worry I am going to crash it, or get car jacked or something.
Its way too nice, but along with my hair cut and other new accessories I guess I am supposed to pretend to be a middle class adult now.

Valentines eve

Not that I celebrate that or anything...
Well I spose I would have to.

My daily romantic horoscope today said I should try to be content with group activities and not worry about pairing off... I'm pretty sure that was a blanket message to anyone single today.
I woke around 11 and have done basically nothing since.

I looked through old pictures and reminisced about being in love. Remembering the smiles and concerns. I long for them right now.
Its been far too long.

It seems there are far too many lonely single people in the world.

I was wondering... would relationships be better off if once a year you were not required to be faithful...
Like I get weird when my partners drink... thats way too overbearing.
What if once a year I just assumed they were doing everything I didn't want them to.
As long as they were safe... would that be ok?


I am way too picky.

hair

Some thoughts

A) First off, I don't know if I know any of my "followers," but you should say Hi.
I don't know what has drawn you to this site, but feel free to enjoy (whatever it is that you find enjoyable about a strangers writing). I have been getting a lot of traffic lately for some reason... maybe you can clue me into how you found this?

B) Speaking of stalking... you know how sometimes you are on facebook and you stalk people... and then you realize that that person isn't living a very fascinating online life at that moment.... because no one posts on their wall for like a week or two. In your head this says "this person isn't as exciting as I was hoping" but more likely it just means that they have a real life...
yeah I was just thinking that.

C) I had a dream in which an old friend of mine's (who I am not often in contact with) father died. Now I am wondering if I should like warn him or something.
It was a very emotional dream.
However I also had dreams about going to college, having sex with some old lady, a guy in an invisible suit who came into our apartment to use the bathroom, and a bunch of other crazy things... so maybe its just weird mind games right?

D) Sometimes there just isn't anything exciting happening.

E) My hair is getting chopped off today. Expect before and after pictures.

breathe

It would be nice to know how many times I will be in this situation in this life.
The one in which everything seems so familiar, the circumstances nearly always the same, and yet, still so helpless, and the weight of the past combined with the present makes it feel so much worse, and everything I want to say or type gets choked.

I'm reading this book Lacey lent me, the old man narrator writes about carrying the different emotions in different organs. Like disappointment in self in one kidney and disappointment in others in the other one.

I don't feel this in my gut where I usually keep my worries, that anxiousness that makes me queasy and not just not hungry, but sends me to the bathroom regularly.

I feel this in my throat and it spreads both ways, causing me to choke and gag on my spit as my lungs simultaneously wish to gasp for air... in that place where I imagine my tonsils once were.
and it spreads down the other way, through my defeated lungs that seem so tightened to my diaphragm that seems to knot itself in a way that presses my digestive organs into a tighter space, placing pressure on my lower spine which shoots back up to the top meeting my choking neck to complete the circuit.
That is helplessness,
I am sure people feel it when they watch their loved ones murdered and are unable to do anything about it, like nazis killing jews who should flee but knowing there isnt a point, continue to stand in the line...
Part of you wants to close your eyes and imagine that this is not so... but nothing in your body will let you off so easily.

Just Breathe


___________________________


just moments later, in finally spitting something out... it eases somewhat.

Hes kind of right

Funny how music can make simple lyrics brilliant.

You ever heard "When the Tigers Broke Free"?

It wasn't even put on the original album,
but with the music these simple lyrics about the death of the writer's father become epic and even more heartbreaking, even more, in the film they allow for the perfect justification for the main characters break from reality and slip into more un-sane realms. The part in red amazes me because its such a simple rhyme (almost cheesy in any other circumstances) but in the song its like the first break in his heart, forshadowing the awful conclusion -for even at this point in the song, he hints that the others were happy that these few could be sacrificed so that their larger plans could be saved, if they only last "for a while."

It was just before dawn
One miserable morning in black 'forty four.
When the forward commander
Was told to sit tight
When he asked that his men be withdrawn.
And the Generals gave thanks
As the other ranks, held back
The enemy tanks, for a while.
And the Anzio bridgehead
Was held for the price
Of a few hundred ordinary lives.

And kind old King George
Sent Mother a note
When he heard that father was gone.
It was, I recall,
In the form of a scroll,
With gold leaf and all.
And I found it one day
In a drawer of old photographs, hidden away.
And my eyes still grow damp to remember
His Majesty signed
With his own rubber stamp.

It was dark all around.
There was frost in the ground
When the tigers broke free.
And no one survived
From the Royal Fusiliers Company C.
They were all left behind,
Most of them dead,
The rest of them dying.
And that's how the High Command
Took my daddy from me.

Waited too long to eat. Now nothing is open.
That's how I start because that's one kind of empty.

I feel like I report to 60 different friends, a few of em feeling more special than others perhaps, but not a one to report my after hours smiles to -and that wipes the smile from my face.
and that's another kind.

I'm really impressed with the possibilities and characters of this world lately, again it seems each face has a story. Each place a history. Each choice a dilemma -a heavy one, an enlightening one. I seem so afraid to say yes, but I am saying yes to everything lately... and the gap between saying yes and saying yes brings another feeling of empty.

A conversation tonight, and I came to the conclusion that only love could fill that hole of insecurity, and I'm not sure she felt the same way, and not being able to reassure friends in their moments of need, now that's another feeling of empty.



but enough of that.

Work has been stressful but good. Making small steps in the right direction. Learning and relearning probably a lot more than the students are.
We have this big event coming up on Thursday in which all students and former staff are invited to reconnect. I have no idea what to expect, in some ways I know we are on display, and yet we haven't been setting the thing up, so in part a lot of it is not ours to own.

Friendship is sometimes mistaken as love. I wrote a poem or two about it, probably even more posts... and I am both witness to the mistake and victim/perpetrator of it. Who knows if one can have agency in such calamity. Is it inevitable like waking from a dream, or is it sought after like praying for that dream again.

I talked to a coworker today who happens to be a medicine man. A singer, a worker, a teacher, a nomad, a spiritual leader, he seems to have very few limitations sometimes.
I thought it was weird, at one point my vision blurred and my ears had a hard time listening, I didn't trust him during this time. But it returned to normal and I trusted him again.

I also saw Mary motherfucken Allen at the hard times and it was funny to see how she grows each time. I used to think she was older than me, because she was so self assured, but she seems quieter now and I think that is her maturity, self assured to the point she don't need to prove it anymore. I wonder what she thinks of me at these weird random interactions.

I hate my stomach. All morning I was sick, and now it seems like a completely different illness but there all the same.

Sometimes everyone you see seems familiar, thats one of the cool things in life.

School today was sort of a mix of awful and spectacular. All the kids seemed to be pissed off from having terrible weekends but instead of complaining and being obnoxious they just shut up. Which was nice actually. I think many of us looked forward to weekends, as surely my students do, but often when they come back on Monday or Tuesday they seem worn down, exhausted, stressed, hurt and angry. It makes it obvious that not every teen is carefree and excited about life, some of them aren't doing so hot on their own out there.

My car briefly broke tonight. The starter just wouldn't work. I got out and looked around for the closest mechanic shop(I was on Hennepin) but when I got back into my car and tried it again it worked just fine.

I talked with a friend about the fortune I received the other day from a cookie. It said "we judge others by their actions, we judge ourselves by our intentions." At the time I asked my dad what he thought they intended to mean, he assumed they meant we are less forgiving of others because we don't know their intentions. I can see it that way, but I don't know that I see it that way for me. I judge others sometimes based on their actions, but more often I judge them based on what I assume their intentions to be. I usually try to understand the action, and then it is a lot easier to go along with rather than be angry or judgmental toward them.
But as for myself, well I know my intentions and my intentions are not always good... so then how can I forgive myself?
She confronted me trying to get me to remember that we can't always be good, nor have good intentions towards everyone all the time. I acknowledged this, but mentioned that it pained me because I wish I could always have good intentions so that I wouldn't hurt people. She said that even if I love people I will still hurt them and that because they love me back they will forgive me... and though I know that is how it works.
It instantly hit me, hurt me in my heart, because I knew that my reply was that I didn't believe that. Not for me at least.
Its hard to look people in the eye and not speak truth to them. Its hard to be hit in the heart and not reach out, ask for forgiveness or ask why they can't forgive themselves.
I wanted so much to break down the walls between us, because that is the most important thing, but I knew if I asked her why suddenly she wasn't eating pie anymore she would put up walls and walk away, how long to wait until we could be truthful again?
And if I told her my secrets she'd lock the door,
and I'd have my answer about not being forgiven,
but she wouldn't recognize the hypocrisy between her statements and her actions,
because we expect some secrets to stay hidden and unforgiven.

The amount of typos I make in these posts is appalling.

I don't really have anything to say, but its been a while. Maybe add some pictures or something.
I have something like 4 million pounds of candy at my finger tips, but something tells me I should eat actual food.

I have been throwing around decisions in my brain lately. Like theoretically how does one get someone to understand, does sharing cause forgiveness or flight and does it matter?

Does helping mean bringing awareness or should want jump to the front and help with a hand?

Does love mean trying something new, pushing past doubts, having faith and taking risks? or is that foolish and misguided, perhaps worse does it lead to regret, mistakes.

Why do babies make things more and less complicated?

When I see my dad hold my cousin's child, nothing seems more important. I instantly scheme to make babies. When reality sets in, I realize the responsibilities are enormous. I scare easily.

What level of honestly is good?

Should I say I am sick, bored and unfaithful?
Should I announce I am beastly, evil and hateful?
Should I proclaim I am contemptuous, jealous and scared?
Should I cry I am weak, vulnerable and bare?

Should I fight, push, agitate?
cower, retreat, disintegrate?
zealously empower, all grandiose
or humbly disengage and draw close?

and what is selfish and what its adverse
and will it remain joyful when the roles are reversed?
and would you claim knowledge, if it lies in your gut
or settle for something else, because its anything but?

I think its funny how things like loneliness, horniness and general desire for a relationship seem to sneak up so easily and then when they pounce its like there isn't much to convince you that you shouldn't feel that way.
Though the feeling doesn't last, when its there its fucking awful.
Its like being hungry or thirsty and not being about to satisfy it.
drives a person crazy.

The insecurity makes me jealous makes me lonely
The Loneliness makes me insecure makes me jealous
The jealousy makes me lonely makes me insecure
The insecurity makes me lonely makes me jealous
The jealousy makes me insecure makes me lonely
The loneliness makes me jealous makes me insecure


I just think its funny, my weeks are full of visits with friends and family, people I have met recently and people I met long ago. Yet for some reason, my head makes up these scenarios in which everyone around me is finding something more special. Its really sick and makes me feel uncomfortable (that feeling of wanting, when you already have so much, just greedy right?),
but I can't spin it right. I have been going to bed early, alone and crabby.

Yesterday someone mentioned something about how to maintain differing rates of dating people... like if you are dating more than one person (none exclusively) how do you know what you should do? Its hard for me to imagine it being so easy to even find people.

More and more lately I keep coming back to that idea am I really waiting for the right person, or am I just not willing to put forth the effort to make the right situation.
Its really hard to know what one should do when things haven't been all that successful.

I don't have the time or energy to commit to something that isn't going anywhere. I don't want to put myself or anyone else through that. I have enough pressure on existing relationships without that added stress (just the fact that I see it as stress and not a benefit).

Its all really stupid.

Thoughts and Feelings

I went to a funeral today.
The funeral of the mother of one of my students.
I never knew the mother.
I barely know the student.
Still, there is something about a funeral that can be moving. Or rather the collective mass of grieving people can be rather moving.
Every word was in Spanish but you kind of knew what they were saying. Every prayer was catholic but you kind of knew what was needed.
The one thing I was not prepared for but was entirely in love with was the band.
Acoustic but loud they played songs to drown out those who needed to cry out, and each got louder, and each more beautiful.
Tears streamed down my face.
I wasn't embarrassed, I wanted to feel them.
But they weren't all for my student. Some were of course, but I could imagine myself in a similar situation. I imagined how much I would want to push away that comforting arm around my shoulder. I imagined standing at a casket with my brothers, trying to balance my concern for them and my own desire to release.
Even more than that surprisingly I imagined, or rather saw what my Uncle's funeral may have looked like. I had already imagined it, but these people in their black clothes and dark black hair more closely met the image of my aunt and cousin's family. Mexican and Catholic, they would have been the only ones there... and I imagined my cousin and my aunt crying like these people cried, but the others were probably dry eyed.
No bursts of sobs, and if they were they were probably in relief or comfort only.
But in front of me was the funeral a person should get. All the cries and tears warranted. All the ritual and tradition necessary.
Deserving of more, but nothing can comfort our grieving.
I have described it to my friends as that awful sort of beautiful or maybe that beautiful sort of awful.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Becky said she was in a relationship.
Its always a weird feeling, and I have been feeling it lately.
Even as she tells me she reminds me how hard it will be for me to do the same, as if I am held to a higher standard... and I know I am by everyone around me, and I like it that way because at least I will have high hopes through my loneliness.
But I understand what she means, because the sight of her causes me to pulse with a sort of defensive jealousy. My feelings of needing her around all the time have passed, but my desire to keep our relationship special hasn't. So a part of me want confirmation that I am still special (and she provides it without my asking). A part of me wants to know the relationship is worth it and that part I don't ever get the rights to.

Funnily enough though I feel the same thing with other friends.
Its not the same, but its hard to be replaced.
Me and Becky do each other the favor of ignoring it for ourselves and each other until it is too late. Then when all else fails we hope for understanding.
I understand, people are beautiful and worthy of love.

I just wish I could find that.

There is a peculiar loneliness that happens sometimes when you hear about others. Its that "I'm alone and everyone else is finding their special someone" loneliness.
I got that right now... but whats funny is I know way more people who are single than in relationships right now, but that doesn't change the feeling.

Also I am super exhausted even though I took a nap and I am hungry but nothing sounds good... and that sucks.

Registration for school tomorrow which means I will get to see the kiddies... which is a weird feeling, often a great mixture of excited and "Oh shit I have to teach again- fuck run away!."

I already feel overwhelmed just thinking about my viewing and reading list. I have a stack of books and movies for school- and each stack seems impossible.

imagination cruellty

I'm convincing myself I am in love with a girl i have never met, no not Natalie Portman, but that could happen too.

This girl occasionally lives in the cities.

But I think its her voice I am falling for...
and that sucks because she could tell me awful things, and be a horrible person and I would be so silly for her.

Lord I'm a true vine

Everyone put on your jammies NOW

all of a sudden I want to make out with someone


Part of me wants to go to bed, but I know my roomies will come home at some point and at the off chance that I will miss something I don't want to be unavailable.

4 AM thoughts

Its so late but I guess I am not quite tired enough to fall asleep... probably the 2 cups of coffee and the RC cola.
I was in bed praying.
I guess my mom is having surgery tomorrow, but I wasn't thinking of that, I was thinking of all the friends I have and how many people I care about... and it takes a long time to go through them all.

How is it that I am so blessed?
I don't feel I deserve it, but when my relationships are strained I certainly wish to keep them intact.

Becky used to always say I had a lot of friends. Jess says the same thing to me now... with a sort of WOW attitude. But it feels normal to care about lots of people... how could you not?

When I go through the names on facebook I often find that there are so many that I don't even talk to anymore... people who I have fallen out with, or just dont happen to run in to.
BUT sometimes there is a feeling of regret that comes with that..
when I am in this gratitude mode though, more often I just sit and allow the feelings of joy to pass through me or sometimes to build up in me. These are amazing people. They have so much to offer the world.
There are still a few of those cats on facebook that I don't actually feel that connection with... but I have no doubt that someone else does.

Lacey was telling me about her feelings for a friend of hers the other day.
It was so easy to understand why she cared, because I could think up a thousand examples of people I have thought of (for a moment at least) in that way...
that way of loving someone because they have potential, because you have seen their true self for a moment... and that's all it really takes right?

One moment and you can be hooked.
Sometimes I think about people who after sharing that moment were reluctant to speak to me again, or see me again... not because they didn't feel it, but because they did and they were caught off guard.
Sorry to bring up facebook again, but I think its the most incredible thing because every time some person who knew you ten years ago friends you, what they are really saying is "I had that moment with you once" and sometimes you aren't even aware that they felt that way...

WOW I am overwhelming myself right now.
some people scoff, but I can't help but believe in God, how could I not when I have met so many miracles?


I was sitting at Hard Times Cafe tonight for like 4 hours.
Bri from BFF and Linus sat near by and I wanted to talk to her, but she was busy. She seemed to have another best friend of perhaps a boyfriend who worked there and I just liked to watch them, the way their connection filled them with energy and smiles.
I watched so many people, made judgments and fantasies. At several points I wanted to call out to people "Hey you there! Why are we not talking?"
I kept my mouth shut but more than once caught that same glance from other people.
A man who reminded me of Gavin was there. Gavin the Kiwi of so long ago. Gavin who told me about his sex life like it was the content of his normal day, Gavin who shared his secrets and adventures, Gavin who liked to impress and entertain almost always having to do with his scrotum, Gavin who liked to share quiet moments getting real over Pizza, Gavin who went along for the ride because he too could sense that even people with a darkside were worthy.

I miss him like I miss them all. This man I knew 8 years ago for a week or two.
Its easy to feel fulfilled when one becomes so aware of these blessings...
But I am not always aware... in fact more often than not I am stubborn and ignorant to it.
I find myself wanting more as if I could even handle it.

This break has been a trip.
I got to see so many beautifuls,
but somehow most of my regulars fell by the wayside...
and in some ways that is for the best since so many were in town but a moment...
but even when I am overwhelmed like this... I check myself over and still know something is missing.

I like to think of it as someone, that dream girl, but really I know its just me lacking the self confidence to make myself whole. because I worry that wholeness would come at the price of giving up all these miracle connections.

On Hair

I've joked before that my hair was too pretty not to keep long...
which wasn't really a joke, but an actual motivation derived of my vanity.

So I have been thinking a lot lately about the importance of hair, or rather why I keep it long... I am thinking about this because I will cut it in about a month.
I understand the reasons I cut it, usually a letting go process, a renewal. But why keep it long?

I understand that to most people they probably see me as one of those pony tail guys who are kind of creepy. Its not standard, its not exactly easy. It doesn't usually win any points with the ladies.

At times I know it has been my "freak flag" and generally I used to think that having long hair afforded more options than having short hair, but really due to the weather (humidity, heat, cold) and due to wetness and laziness I almost never do anything but throw it back. When I have short hair I actually find it is far easier to fuck with... throw in a bobby pin or some gel and wham you got a new hairstyle.

Also the rigidity of maintaining long hair can be a task. Not only do you have to keep it clean, combed and untampered with (if you want to donate it as I do) but there is a general sort of understanding that you will not suddenly shave away half your head...
This rigidity is something I am occasionally attracted to, I like the idea of Nazirite vows. I like the idea of undertaking this for something higher than myself... if nothing else to fulfill a vow. This is partially why I grow and cut in a 3 year cycle. I don't know why it happened that way... just something I came up with when I was younger but then it stuck. True the vows have been broken twice, each after a breakup when I needed that cleansing.

But I am wondering if I want to continue the three year cycle.
Weighing the options, pros and cons of having short hair vs long.

Usually when I have short hair I can't wait for it to be long again.
There is a sort of comfort there.
It used to be that I could hide my face, but now its more just the security of knowing I don't have to rely on me alone... like jewelry and pageantry it brightens and highlights (if only in my mind).



I used to be really attracted to long hair. I mean I still am, but I have grown accustomed to and attracted to other hair styles now as well. There are things I would like to try, if only for a week or two. Things that may not make me prettier but that would make me feel like I accomplished something (walking around looking weird is an accomplishment).

Anyway... I guess I am just thinking.
The song "Hair" from the musical Hair is still something I agree with in general I think. I feel like we should explore as much as we can and create and express.
But equally I am feeling a drive to conform, to settle and it doesn't feel bad. It feels like a nice thing sometimes. A new form of comfort.
I am guessing in a month or two I will start growing my hair though...