breathe

It would be nice to know how many times I will be in this situation in this life.
The one in which everything seems so familiar, the circumstances nearly always the same, and yet, still so helpless, and the weight of the past combined with the present makes it feel so much worse, and everything I want to say or type gets choked.

I'm reading this book Lacey lent me, the old man narrator writes about carrying the different emotions in different organs. Like disappointment in self in one kidney and disappointment in others in the other one.

I don't feel this in my gut where I usually keep my worries, that anxiousness that makes me queasy and not just not hungry, but sends me to the bathroom regularly.

I feel this in my throat and it spreads both ways, causing me to choke and gag on my spit as my lungs simultaneously wish to gasp for air... in that place where I imagine my tonsils once were.
and it spreads down the other way, through my defeated lungs that seem so tightened to my diaphragm that seems to knot itself in a way that presses my digestive organs into a tighter space, placing pressure on my lower spine which shoots back up to the top meeting my choking neck to complete the circuit.
That is helplessness,
I am sure people feel it when they watch their loved ones murdered and are unable to do anything about it, like nazis killing jews who should flee but knowing there isnt a point, continue to stand in the line...
Part of you wants to close your eyes and imagine that this is not so... but nothing in your body will let you off so easily.

Just Breathe


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just moments later, in finally spitting something out... it eases somewhat.