Thoughts and Feelings

I went to a funeral today.
The funeral of the mother of one of my students.
I never knew the mother.
I barely know the student.
Still, there is something about a funeral that can be moving. Or rather the collective mass of grieving people can be rather moving.
Every word was in Spanish but you kind of knew what they were saying. Every prayer was catholic but you kind of knew what was needed.
The one thing I was not prepared for but was entirely in love with was the band.
Acoustic but loud they played songs to drown out those who needed to cry out, and each got louder, and each more beautiful.
Tears streamed down my face.
I wasn't embarrassed, I wanted to feel them.
But they weren't all for my student. Some were of course, but I could imagine myself in a similar situation. I imagined how much I would want to push away that comforting arm around my shoulder. I imagined standing at a casket with my brothers, trying to balance my concern for them and my own desire to release.
Even more than that surprisingly I imagined, or rather saw what my Uncle's funeral may have looked like. I had already imagined it, but these people in their black clothes and dark black hair more closely met the image of my aunt and cousin's family. Mexican and Catholic, they would have been the only ones there... and I imagined my cousin and my aunt crying like these people cried, but the others were probably dry eyed.
No bursts of sobs, and if they were they were probably in relief or comfort only.
But in front of me was the funeral a person should get. All the cries and tears warranted. All the ritual and tradition necessary.
Deserving of more, but nothing can comfort our grieving.
I have described it to my friends as that awful sort of beautiful or maybe that beautiful sort of awful.

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Becky said she was in a relationship.
Its always a weird feeling, and I have been feeling it lately.
Even as she tells me she reminds me how hard it will be for me to do the same, as if I am held to a higher standard... and I know I am by everyone around me, and I like it that way because at least I will have high hopes through my loneliness.
But I understand what she means, because the sight of her causes me to pulse with a sort of defensive jealousy. My feelings of needing her around all the time have passed, but my desire to keep our relationship special hasn't. So a part of me want confirmation that I am still special (and she provides it without my asking). A part of me wants to know the relationship is worth it and that part I don't ever get the rights to.

Funnily enough though I feel the same thing with other friends.
Its not the same, but its hard to be replaced.
Me and Becky do each other the favor of ignoring it for ourselves and each other until it is too late. Then when all else fails we hope for understanding.
I understand, people are beautiful and worthy of love.

I just wish I could find that.