Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Friendship is sometimes mistaken as love. I wrote a poem or two about it, probably even more posts... and I am both witness to the mistake and victim/perpetrator of it. Who knows if one can have agency in such calamity. Is it inevitable like waking from a dream, or is it sought after like praying for that dream again.

I talked to a coworker today who happens to be a medicine man. A singer, a worker, a teacher, a nomad, a spiritual leader, he seems to have very few limitations sometimes.
I thought it was weird, at one point my vision blurred and my ears had a hard time listening, I didn't trust him during this time. But it returned to normal and I trusted him again.

I also saw Mary motherfucken Allen at the hard times and it was funny to see how she grows each time. I used to think she was older than me, because she was so self assured, but she seems quieter now and I think that is her maturity, self assured to the point she don't need to prove it anymore. I wonder what she thinks of me at these weird random interactions.

I hate my stomach. All morning I was sick, and now it seems like a completely different illness but there all the same.

Sometimes everyone you see seems familiar, thats one of the cool things in life.

School today was sort of a mix of awful and spectacular. All the kids seemed to be pissed off from having terrible weekends but instead of complaining and being obnoxious they just shut up. Which was nice actually. I think many of us looked forward to weekends, as surely my students do, but often when they come back on Monday or Tuesday they seem worn down, exhausted, stressed, hurt and angry. It makes it obvious that not every teen is carefree and excited about life, some of them aren't doing so hot on their own out there.

My car briefly broke tonight. The starter just wouldn't work. I got out and looked around for the closest mechanic shop(I was on Hennepin) but when I got back into my car and tried it again it worked just fine.

I talked with a friend about the fortune I received the other day from a cookie. It said "we judge others by their actions, we judge ourselves by our intentions." At the time I asked my dad what he thought they intended to mean, he assumed they meant we are less forgiving of others because we don't know their intentions. I can see it that way, but I don't know that I see it that way for me. I judge others sometimes based on their actions, but more often I judge them based on what I assume their intentions to be. I usually try to understand the action, and then it is a lot easier to go along with rather than be angry or judgmental toward them.
But as for myself, well I know my intentions and my intentions are not always good... so then how can I forgive myself?
She confronted me trying to get me to remember that we can't always be good, nor have good intentions towards everyone all the time. I acknowledged this, but mentioned that it pained me because I wish I could always have good intentions so that I wouldn't hurt people. She said that even if I love people I will still hurt them and that because they love me back they will forgive me... and though I know that is how it works.
It instantly hit me, hurt me in my heart, because I knew that my reply was that I didn't believe that. Not for me at least.
Its hard to look people in the eye and not speak truth to them. Its hard to be hit in the heart and not reach out, ask for forgiveness or ask why they can't forgive themselves.
I wanted so much to break down the walls between us, because that is the most important thing, but I knew if I asked her why suddenly she wasn't eating pie anymore she would put up walls and walk away, how long to wait until we could be truthful again?
And if I told her my secrets she'd lock the door,
and I'd have my answer about not being forgiven,
but she wouldn't recognize the hypocrisy between her statements and her actions,
because we expect some secrets to stay hidden and unforgiven.