glug

 

It is Saturday, October 10, 2026. I am at the Loon Coffee shop over on lake. Its about 12:40ish. Went for a walk, and it zapped the life from me. I spent the first part of the walk thinking about the cycles of life, of culture, of nature, of transformation. I spent the next part thinking about how best to serve a client, and what advocacy means.

I spent the last 20 minutes on social media. Not sure what I am thinking or how I want to approach things. The woman in front of me looks nothing like A, but her haircut reminds me exactly of the time she cut it real short, the slight flair out.

My little brother texted our brothers chat that a stock he bought 5 years ago was taking off due to a medical trial being successful. The drug is a version of LSD meant to be used in a therapeutic context for GAD, MDD and PTSD. It looks very promising.

I am not sure how to spend my day. I had hoped to write the great novel or revise some poetry. I have work to do too, a letter and a DA. I have some reading to do. Maybe see a movie?  Its like 80 degrees out in October.

I had energy work yesterday. I need to practice, and do some breathing. I’ve got Spanish. I’ve got to get groceries and do 5-6 dishes. I saw a friend yesterday for an hour. It was nice to see her space even though she lives so far away.

The fear part of me is saying I am not enough, not doing enough, might let something slip or take the wrong step and ruin everything. It says I have cancer and its spreading. It says there is mold in my bathroom and I can’t clean it because its too powerful, and that means it is in me too.

Yesterday’s energy work and this morning’s tarot reminded me that by expanding and living into my values and beliefs about the universe, I am more protected and more alive. Whereas when I shrink or defend, I am more acutely aware of the loss, the fear, the lack, the imposition -reinforcing the wound. I am trying to be open to things, to the positives the universe has to offer. Yesterday everything felt aligned. Today I feel jittery and off again, and its probably the coffee or the lack of structure, or the dozens of people I’ve been thinking about today. Some uncertainty, causes me to lose myself, rather than notice and let go. My shoulders are raised.

Dad says lets talk, maybe tomorrow evening? There is a vigil tonight, a protest in the parking lot at target to tell them to stop supporting ICE. The secretary of defense wants to broadcast an execution. Healthy people are standing up against it. People are voting in record numbers. There will be a backlash a correction, but so much suffering in the meantime. And what do I want to do?

On Tuesday supposed to crash the student teacher conference to visit an old coworker friend. Just an excuse to see her new work site during a public time.

Kind of feel like I am not gonna accomplish anything here. Maybe its time to read, or go get lunch.

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Went to get groceries after writing that, realized I was feeling somewhat sick -felt like I had overexerted myself in the heat and was gonna pass out or something. After making lunch I got into bed and laid there for a few hours -slowly getting a headache. Eventually took a nap and woke up at 8pm. Felt anxious like I had wasted the day, like I was behind, like I was a failure. Made dinner and did the dishes. Its close to 10 pm now. I keep getting weird spikes of headpain, but I am feeling better after eating. 

I made a little list of things I wanted to accomplish this weekend and decided it seemed mostly reasonable to do tomorrow. I think this letter for my client is making me nervous. I guess I don't trust that he won't misuse it or something, and I am worried I will get dragged into drama. I need to be clear about my boundaries and my mission. 

Tomorrow massage at 11 am, hopefully I'll feel better by then. Some Spanish. Some reading. Maybe a walk or a talk with my dad. That one is also bringing up some nervousness I suppose.

Its not all that much really. Its just that I only have myself to rely on and I don't get a lot of reassurance for all the thoughts in my head. I think I need to do some meditating and maybe some more reading tonight. It's funny how easily swayed I am. 

The energy healer lady said "your ancestral line is kind of wavy, faint in some spots" I agree. I feel it, I am not rooted.

I keep watching stuff about OCD and ASD too, and I shake my head at how much I relate to certain things. I don't think I have autism, but I relate to a lot of it. Sensory issues, anxiety about being misunderstood etc. I've always said, its not that I don't get social cues, I get them too strongly. I am too aware of each little gesture, tone shift, etc. I guess its a thing for sensitive kiddos.  I was listening to a lot of the folks talk about PANDAS and POTS and EDS and all the overlapping conditions folks experience these days. I think I have an OCD neurotype, I think I am an empath/sensitive person, I think I have some childhood trauma stuff that I am still sorting out -more along the lines of unintentional emotional neglect, not abuse. 

But it is all in the past... what do I choose to experience now? What am I building? 

I dunno.  My old coworker is determined to start a craft school thing and rewild a golf course. I don't have any ambitions or goals anymore. Maybe its hard to move forward because my stuff feels so mundane... rebuild a social network, make new friends, maintain some level of balance between fun and work.  

That's the other thing that bums me out about this weekend. I wanted to do something creative, wanted to write my novel, wanted to edit and write poetry... none of that happened. My mind was distracted, headachy, I couldn't sit still and when I could I just wanted to moan and groan and fall asleep. 

I know a week or two ago I was lamenting the same... wanted to do a deep dive on my goals and dreams, wanted to create something beautiful... I am addicted to my phone. I balk when people text me. I want to go away for a year, but I am paying my bills and taxes to a government I detest. 

Gonna go do some reading and fall back to sleep. It wasn't a bad day, it just wasn't what I'd hoped it would be. I've maintained.