Bad brain

 So I tell my friend I want to go to Costco because I need to buy rice and pasta. She says she wants to go sometime. I ask if she wants to go today to the SLP one, she says she doesn’t like the SLP one ( no one does) and asks if I want to go to the business center and the business center does have some of the things I want but I went there last time so I actually need the stuff at the SLP one. So I say sorry I’m going to that one. But then when I am there I don’t buy rice and pasta (which was not even the things they only had at SLP, I bought frozen food!) but then because I didn’t buy rice and pasta my brain told me I was a liar and a bad person. And then I started playing out convos in my head about wanting to confess this, but then I felt like that would be manipulative so I’d be a bad person, and I went through like three loops of this for 15 minutes and then some mom threatened to slap her kid in front of me, and I didn’t say anything, because this mom was going through Costco with 5 kids and was clearly frustrated with them. But I was crying about it all of a sudden. And I didn’t want to make it worse. But then I thought I’m a social worker and a mandated reporter so I am supposed to respond to these things better than I did, so that makes me a bad person, so now I’m crying even more in Costco going though the aisles for 20 minutes cuz I can’t stop my mind from telling me stupid shit, and I can’t even focus on what I am supposed to get. And then I’m stuck in traffic and I can’t turn it off and I can’t focus and I’m crying in my car. And I get home. And I confesss on Instagram but then a friend says “I’m sorry that’s happening” or something , and I feel stupid and manipulative and then it starts again while I’m trying to fold laundry and I just want to hide under a blanket and die. 

And I know it didn’t start there today. It started earlier. But this is what my brain did for so many years and I’m just really sad that it’s happening again. Cuz I thought I was better. And now I feel stupid. And like a failure or something cuz I can’t stop except when I distract myself or dissociate or working, and it makes sense why I’m spending soooo many hours on my phone lately… but I don’t want to think. I don’t want to think like this. It’s so stupid and it just loops and loops and loops and it’s been hours already. And I’m worried I won’t be able to sleep. And it’s stupid.