On the one hand, I’m trying to stay focused. I’ve got shit to do this week. I’m an adult, I needed to make dinner and do the dishes and take out the garbage.
On the other hand, I tried to explain to my dad that there has been this inner world I’ve been having that he wasn’t aware of -that I didn’t feel safe sharing with him because he wasnt attuned to it. Because I didn’t trust him because of things he had done and things that had happened. And while I was sharing these things I experienced all the feelings and thoughts that I have hidden from him and chose not to contain it.
I told him I wanted to throw up. I told him I was dissociating. I told him I was afraid of people. I told him I needed space because I couldn’t settle. I told him the thoughts went from “I made a mistake” to “I’m a horrible person, unforgivable, unable to have a relationship, ruined all my chances” and that that occurs in seconds and if I don’t do anything it can last for days. I told him it used to result in a belief that I was going to hell.
I told him I have ocd, and maybe some trauma too.
I told him I didn’t know if I was sexually abused, I still don’t know, I just know that I feel unsafe sometimes. He confirmed that I had been physically abused and that I was bullied.
I told him he triggered these experiences I have that are distressing and make me feel like I’m a kid again -and that in the last year I’ve felt more and more crazy every time it happens because I thought I was doing better, had forgiven myself and him, and now I feel like a kid and I’m scared and don’t know what to do.
I told him that I’ve seen and experienced things that he hasn’t and that it makes it hard because I don’t know what he is aware of… and so it’s hard to understand why he isn’t getting it. (Eg torture cells and concentration camps and what ethnic cleansing looks like as it develops). As well as the conditions people are fleeing when they come the US for asylum.
And when it was over - And I went home feeling like I had been way too vulnerable… because I didn’t want to fall into replaying the convo 5 millions times I distracted myself and did some work. And cried a bunch anyway. And I don’t want to go into the spirals because that makes it worse. But I also don’t want to dwell on my own vulnerability, or my hurt or my anger… but he confirmed things that felt very congruent with how I’d been feeling… confirmed that he sees these things as differences of opinion even though I experienced them as harmful. Confirmed that he didn’t “know” about how immigrants were being treated even though I told him. And that he only recently considered it cuz he watch a program a week ago from Chris cuomo who said it. Confirmed that he never really figured out why thousands of masked armed militia were sent to terrorize us. Even though I asked him months ago to figure it out when I left shaking in fight or flight from his home. He didn’t look it up, and hadn’t really considered it.
And now I’m worried I’ll be spiraling again because it’s bed time and that’s when it gets the loudest.
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