4 AM thoughts

Its so late but I guess I am not quite tired enough to fall asleep... probably the 2 cups of coffee and the RC cola.
I was in bed praying.
I guess my mom is having surgery tomorrow, but I wasn't thinking of that, I was thinking of all the friends I have and how many people I care about... and it takes a long time to go through them all.

How is it that I am so blessed?
I don't feel I deserve it, but when my relationships are strained I certainly wish to keep them intact.

Becky used to always say I had a lot of friends. Jess says the same thing to me now... with a sort of WOW attitude. But it feels normal to care about lots of people... how could you not?

When I go through the names on facebook I often find that there are so many that I don't even talk to anymore... people who I have fallen out with, or just dont happen to run in to.
BUT sometimes there is a feeling of regret that comes with that..
when I am in this gratitude mode though, more often I just sit and allow the feelings of joy to pass through me or sometimes to build up in me. These are amazing people. They have so much to offer the world.
There are still a few of those cats on facebook that I don't actually feel that connection with... but I have no doubt that someone else does.

Lacey was telling me about her feelings for a friend of hers the other day.
It was so easy to understand why she cared, because I could think up a thousand examples of people I have thought of (for a moment at least) in that way...
that way of loving someone because they have potential, because you have seen their true self for a moment... and that's all it really takes right?

One moment and you can be hooked.
Sometimes I think about people who after sharing that moment were reluctant to speak to me again, or see me again... not because they didn't feel it, but because they did and they were caught off guard.
Sorry to bring up facebook again, but I think its the most incredible thing because every time some person who knew you ten years ago friends you, what they are really saying is "I had that moment with you once" and sometimes you aren't even aware that they felt that way...

WOW I am overwhelming myself right now.
some people scoff, but I can't help but believe in God, how could I not when I have met so many miracles?


I was sitting at Hard Times Cafe tonight for like 4 hours.
Bri from BFF and Linus sat near by and I wanted to talk to her, but she was busy. She seemed to have another best friend of perhaps a boyfriend who worked there and I just liked to watch them, the way their connection filled them with energy and smiles.
I watched so many people, made judgments and fantasies. At several points I wanted to call out to people "Hey you there! Why are we not talking?"
I kept my mouth shut but more than once caught that same glance from other people.
A man who reminded me of Gavin was there. Gavin the Kiwi of so long ago. Gavin who told me about his sex life like it was the content of his normal day, Gavin who shared his secrets and adventures, Gavin who liked to impress and entertain almost always having to do with his scrotum, Gavin who liked to share quiet moments getting real over Pizza, Gavin who went along for the ride because he too could sense that even people with a darkside were worthy.

I miss him like I miss them all. This man I knew 8 years ago for a week or two.
Its easy to feel fulfilled when one becomes so aware of these blessings...
But I am not always aware... in fact more often than not I am stubborn and ignorant to it.
I find myself wanting more as if I could even handle it.

This break has been a trip.
I got to see so many beautifuls,
but somehow most of my regulars fell by the wayside...
and in some ways that is for the best since so many were in town but a moment...
but even when I am overwhelmed like this... I check myself over and still know something is missing.

I like to think of it as someone, that dream girl, but really I know its just me lacking the self confidence to make myself whole. because I worry that wholeness would come at the price of giving up all these miracle connections.