wholeness

I keep falling asleep early. Tonight I ate dinner, bought a cup of coffee to go, came home checked out some things on the internet and passed out. This seems typical lately.  I woke up a few hours later and had trouble getting back to sleep. I had the coffee because I haven't been practicing spanish like I would like to be... well not as my goals would dictate. So I thought if I didn't have anything else going on I would naturally find myself fulfilling my goals... but that doesn't seem to be the case.
I tried to get back to sleep after an hour of watching more stuff on youtube and checking out the news and whatnot.  I started thinking of all the areas in my life that I have been arrogant. 
Working around young people it is easy to be aware of arrogance. I think about these times when I was a teen, or a young adult. Sometimes in relationships, sometimes exploring my own head and heart space. So sure of myself, or so desirous for some sense of truth that the moment I had something I claimed it. I suppose I still do this, but its harder now, because things seem more muddy, more mixed up.  Like it is ___________ and simultaneously not ____________... it is blank's opposite and its essence, its counterpart, its companion, it's an illusion and a truth all wrapped up in one... and I am not sure how to pursue that really.
Seeking happiness does one find happiness?  Seeking contentment, does one find contentment?  Seeking fulfillment and wholeness, are these the end result?

I find my language to be stifled, I can't think in the words I want to use, can't find the examples.  I don't know if that is a product of my working around teens with limited vocabulary or if I am just too stressed to be taking in new information. I am dissatisfied. Deeply dissatisfied, but so comfortable with that -that it is almost more of a nagging nuisance than a real presence in my life.  
I am not really happy with any of the areas of my life right now, but I don't dwell on that... its just a gnat. These things fly in and fly out. 

My attempt to sleep was eventually pushed out entirely because I was lesson planning for civics class... thinking about all the things I actually want to teach but because I can't even get through the basics - I am apt to neglect.  The current topic is the constitution.  I am trying to go over the framework of how that is supposed to work, so that we can get to how things actually work... but I want to stop, break it down, give them issues to solve and force them to do it in the congressional way.  But what issues do they know about? What issues could they solve? What issues could they pass?  What would they be willing to work towards?   practically nothing... The complexities of anything that actually affects them - are usually so beyond their understanding, that they run from any situation presented... the staff often laments they will be eaten alive by the world. 

Years ago a former student/former staff member/former vice presidential nominee   walked out of a class shocked at the students responses to some of the scenarios she presented.  What would you do if they threatened to shut down the school? she asked the class... the students said "find another school."  There was no suggestion of fighting back, or probing or questioning the power structure... these were defeated kids, moving on defeated... passed around to defeated do-gooders who would be squashed again and again. 

My coworker ended one of her classes early today, frustrated that the students wouldn't even attempt to have a discussion in class(I have ended several this year for the same reason, or switched to independent study). They were too tired, too apathetic. They'd played video games all night, or were high, or were so used to being entertained that they couldn't fathom taking charge of their own lives, or they hadn't eaten in days, or they hadn't ever formed their own opinions, or they hadn't ever learned how to be in community, to have a discussion, to play a role... and she asked me is this what it has come to?  and I said yes, because I am a cynic and because I see catastrophe everywhere, and because I am stressed and because I want more opportunities that are easy paths to truth, and right now the only truth is that I feel like we are fucked. 

But I also asked what we should do about it... because I haven't given up either.  because this is a very big gnat, but it will fly away too... or I will, and in either case that makes things temporary. 

I feel like I might be coming up on one of those big transitions though, where you maybe choose the wrong path. Where maybe you make mistakes, where maybe things get harder before they get okay. Where maybe you have to grow a lot overnight, or spend a lot of time exhausted.

I spend a lot of time wondering how to avoid this misery that I know will come with the possibilities of something better.   The unknown is a rather scary thing for a person with an imagination like mine.   
Part of me wants to learn healing arts, part of me wants to learn to entertain, part of me wants to leave, part of me wants to be more extreme, part of me wants to have a family and settle down, part of me wants to make money and buy security, part of me wants to be creative, part of me wants to slow down and be less stressed, part of me wants to invite disaster, part of me wants punishment, part of me wants newness, and most of me just wants to be validated regardless. 

The issue with a slow life, the humble life, isn't that it wouldn't be fulfilling... the issue is that I would be depressed and anxious. 
The issue with the entertaining, or creative life is that I don't know that I can sustain it, the muse leaves me often, and I become very self conscious and depressed. 
The issue with an adventurous life isn't that it wouldn't be fulfilling... the issue is that I would be scared and anxious (and if I didn't find the right support -depressed). 
The issue with staying the course, is that if things don't get better, this current path is soul crushing and I'll lose myself in it. 
Ups and downs of every path... I see my own self as the biggest of enemies. 
 I've learned to fight off the extremes I suppose but I don't know that the middle path if on a decline is actually better. 

I need to spend more time outside this room. 

Well its october.

The weather is fall-ish, rainy cold gray.
The coffee shop is relatively full.
The work is never finished.

There is a picture of a white/gray raccoon on the wall. The painter is doing these animal portraits that on some level are kind of abstract and at some level are really clear.  So its like a gold background with a white and gray crane impressed upon it. Or a blue and black background with a blue and black crow brush stroked to formation, just a hint of an outline makes the picture clear and beautiful.

I haven't been doing much art, that was one of the goals, or activities to take up. This week I have a class on henna design and practice, but that isn't necessarily the type of art I want to do. The trouble is I haven't felt very creative. 
I have been really stressed with work since I started, so like 6 weeks now. The first few weeks it was lots of staffing issues, then it was student and activity issues, then staffing again.  No breaks, no rest, and sometimes it feels like no progress. There are a handful of students that need to be exit-ed from the program because they just aren't contributing the "right" way. Unfortunately for some of them, I don't know that they would do better elsewhere. The maturity level is just so low, the distraction and need to move around just too high. The academic skills are low, but many of my students right now have incredibly low academic skill levels, way below what they should be... I could work with that if they would pay attention. But I can't repeat directions four times and then be rudely interrupted and asked for those directions repeated because they weren't paying attention the first 4 times. That becomes too much, too much perpetual delay, distraction, disrespect.  These students are actually adults, who don't listen.  Adults who will probably lose jobs, lose their freedom because they don't recognize boundaries.  Its sad, its frustrating. The other students feel the frustration too, and it develops into a sort of us vs them mentality... but in both cases people aren't building community to work through it. Everyone is so individualistic.  I don't know, maybe I am just a very cynical animal right now. I generally see very few signs that the world is getting "better". That being said, I also don't care very much that it is getting worse, I feel like we deserve what we are getting because people are being stupid. We need to wake up, get off the couch, stop taking things for granted and start working towards solving problems, not just blaming them on others... and in that, I too am stuck.

I think in an individual way, I feel sort of stuck. I am trying to make progress on writing more, reading more, practicing and learning spanish more. I am hoping to use up my art supplies by the end of the school year and haven't even got them out yet. I am hoping to watch some tv shows other people keep talking about. I am hoping to make new friends or find a girl friend... but am making no progress with that.   I have been hanging out with some people a little, a few of my "see them now and then" friends, trying to push through the weirdness and establish trust and intimacy... but I don't long to see them. So that is hard.
The friends I do long to see, aren't available, or soon wont be.  Some are working really really hard, some have families, some live elsewhere.  I hung out with Jess V last night and had a wonderful time, but it didn't feel like I could just show up at her house and hang out, not yet, maybe not ever.  She has a family. She has other more important obligations.
She did take me to Cirque du Soleil,which is like the best gift ever.  I genuinely think in many ways that actually was one of the best gifts I have ever gotten...  and she didn't even know how much I would like it... didn't know I had been a fan since I was 12. She just didn't want to take her daughter because she was worried she would want to leave early.  So I lucked out there.
Lacey has started the inevitable search for a love. I kind of figured that would happen, we joked about it before she left and maybe she has found someone. Hopefully someone good, but I can't really protect her from here.
We are all actually the kind of people who desire closeness, we will accept no less.

 Maybe a first step would be being a little less me -with my weird hair and tendency towards awkwardness.

Everyone has a battle

Its 11 PM and I am starting to lose steam, but this is a post about an element of that so why not get it started yall.

I was anxious for the parent dinner tonight so I walked around the lake to get calm... and it did calm me, and kind of exhausted me... but while I was walking I kept thinking about my class last night.

I am taking two spanish classes. One started last night, another next week. They are each about 8 weeks long, but the deal is that they are at different levels. Last nights' class was the harder of the two, but I don't know that Monday's class will be my level either.
I guess I didn't want to take the spanish basics class because I was worried it would be all "me llamo Mike, uno dos tres"  stuff I already know... So I assume level 2 is where I should be, but level 2 doesn't promise conversational practice... which is what I really want to learn. So I take the level 2 on Monday and the level 3 on Wednesday.  But the problem is that as far as speaking, I probably am a level 1 beginner. I never got higher than level 1 or 2 in high school or college. I have traveled in Spanish speaking countries, but spoke English there.  I have used a lot of Rosetta Stone in the past, but I just started over a few weeks ago... so I don't remember a lot of my words yet. I know I have known them... but I don't know them right now... and that is the trick with conversation. You can't look stuff up, or get context clues if you are already lost... and last night I was lost.  I'm in over my head, some of the other speakers were at one point clearly fluent. They don't have the same hang ups as I do with language it seems... and that is the rub. It doesn't come easy to me. It never has. I can get by just fine traveling, I feel like a fucking champ... but speaking the language makes me feel like a 2 year old... and that is embarrassing.   I was so embarrassed. I felt ashamed of my inability, even though the reality is that I knew I was entering a level higher than I should be. But I guess its been a long time since I was in a class that I sucked at.  I guess its been even longer since I was the worst person in class.  and I am not used to feeling stupid.  I rarely feel truly stupid, but learning languages (and music) make me feel that way... and the problem is I respect them SOOOOO MUCH that it pains me to be bad... I am ashamed, I want to hide, I want to run away.
So I'm  feeling that in class last night for 1.5 hours, and then all day today I am wound up and anxious and I realize my ego has been horribly shaken. I just don't feel as confident about who I am and what I am capable of -because I can't express it.  I am so used to being able to express myself at will, that I am deeply humbled, brought down, by this 1.5 hours of not being able to.   And I spend my hour on the lake reciting Hindu Mantras to calm myself, and trying to find the ways to recognize that being the worst in class is OK. It's ok because it provides others the opportunity to teach me (which helps them). It's ok because it provides others the confidence because at least they aren't as bad as me. It's ok because inevitably someone has to be the worst. It's ok because no one actually cares. It's ok because my real issue is the ego, not the words... I can do fine getting by in other countries, I find ways to express myself and help others to express themselves... I will have to slow down in conversations and THINK and that is a good challenge for my brain. I will have to work harder and concentrate on learning and that is good for me as a person. I will have to get over my fear of being a fuck up, stupid head and that is good for my soul.  I will have to immerse myself in another language for 1.5 hours a week (plus the other class) and that will be good for my comprehension.   I paid less than 100 for all of this, and that is a brilliant fucking deal... but still I am rocked.

My boss/coworker is struggling... we all are... with school. It needs to end, and yet the value and function is still so needed. How can we close down the school when the school is so important?   and yet it will kill us.  Its a death trap... and I am a little worried it will kill us.  Because its so hard to recognize what is and isn't our battle to fight, when the battle needs to be fought and there isn't anyone else stepping up.

My coworker has her own issues, and she was really open about how vulnerable some of these situations make her feel and I realized that that is what happened in spanish class to me.
Caring and knowing you can't keep up, and feeling like at any moment you will be exposed and blamed and humiliated... but even if that happens    its like    were still us...

Past the shame and the humiliation and the fear and the pride being shattered... I'm still me.
and they are just feelings... not reality.

The things we do

I'm going through pictures, trying to prepare a suitable number to print all at once. Like 500-1000 pictures from the last few years.  So far I have about 200 from 2012 and random things. Its hard to know what to print from my trips. Do I grab a few well angled beauties? Do I print the pictures that bring back memories, or the tourist things?
I sort of knew this would be an issue so I did the puppybear photo series... but after that?

A few selfies and a waterfall?

My little brother is confusing. He says he is building his confidence by working out. But he doesn't have a job or hobbies or a future planned.

I suppose minus the job I am in the same boat. My future is pretty unsure, but I think I have lots of plans and just don't know which one I will put into action. Maybe I will go into organizing schools, or being a motivational speaker for teachers... as someone suggested I should do yesterday.
Maybe I will be a street performer, or after I take this henna class in a couple weeks... maybe I can just go around and do that for a living... ha. 

I got really sick last week and I am not fully recovered. Perhaps I will have to quit my job and become a recluse not by choice. Maybe I will become a youtube sensation out of desperation on bedrest. 

I noticed in my 2012 photos, that towards the beginning of the year I took lots and lots of pictures and then as Illy sank deeper into her illness, I took less and less. My own interests and isolation... it was not until this summer that I truly got out of it. Though I think I spent a lot of time earlier this year working on my own mental well being. 

I think right now, this reflecting is making me sad.  I should go back to being productive.

I have been sleeping and dreaming a lot  and it is beautiful and I never want to wake up... but i dont think its depression... i think its loving my own imagination.

in-between

Tomorrow is the first day of the 6th full school year. Technically I already started my 6th year because I originally started during summer, but tomorrow is the first day of classes.
This year I am trying to teach a more traditional curriculum but with the insights and adaptations I have been learning through teaching other classes.
For instance I am hoping to have more story telling, scenarios and student lead exercises in traditional classes like world history or civics. I don't know how successful I will be at this, but I imagine it won't be easy to get a job teaching non traditional classes at another school... so I'd like to hown my skills as it were.
School has been a rocky start... I think it is settling out now... but basically in mid July we found out we didn't have a science teacher/5th staff member for this year. In mid August we found out that we didn't have any candidates for the position. Today and tomorrow we are still interviewing people... and we came up with a back up plan that will work... but its just a rough start.
We have about 35 students and need about 55. We have very little hope for the future at this point... and today when my coworker was reading the "reasons I have moved on letter" from my coworker who left... I realized we might be putting a lot of these students in a tough position at the end of the year. Its sad... but we can't be their home forever I guess. 

Today I felt sick most of the day. Achy and dizzy and having a hard time concentrating. It started last night, right around the time the temperature dropped to 45 degrees (MN is crazy).  It was 80 today by the end of the day, but last night it was extremely cold. I was shivering and shaking in my bed under the covers and I started wondering if it was perhaps more than the cold... then I tried to get up and realized I basically felt that weird feeling you have when you are drunk and don't have complete control over your limbs and muscles and what not.
That lasted through the day, but I am feeling better now and hoping it doesn't come back.

School is in some ways the only real pillar I have going right now.
I moved into this new house and am encouraged to recognize there are opportunities for community building here. We are having a game night on Friday, in a couple week an art night. We already had a progressive dinner. But most of the time I am in my room, and I feel like I live in someone elses house... regardless of how open and welcoming they are.
My room is mostly packed with a large bed in the center. Half of the bed is covered by the things I do. Books, art supplies, computer and ipad, candy, a large dry erase calendar. But I have not quite figured out a way to make the rest of the room accessible. It is so packed that you can't use things...

I have been taking lots of photos lately, and trying to remain in my tourist (everything is new and beautiful) mode. It is going well for the most part. Even taking a few walks around the lakes, though I haven't walked to work yet, which was a goal.

My other goals are turning out to be more complicated than I had assumed as well.
Spanish classes have been sort of let down in that I couldn't find a cheap regular one that worked for me... so I think I will take two community education Spanish classes and work on Rosetta Stone (which I need to start asap).  I am thinking about taking the Spanish 2 course, and a Spanish 3 conversation course.  In both cases I don't think I am ready.
This learning Spanish idea, is in the hopes that I follow through with my plan to either travel to South America and be a tourist or go teach there. Its weird to be thinking 9 or so months ahead, especially when my thoughts and plans should be for this place... but I guess I just don't have much going for me here.
That is a gross over generalization of course. I have many friends who I am really glad to have in my life, but they aren't the intimate friendships I have had in the past.  They aren't as easy, they will take time to grow... and we are all so busy.  These are the friends I schedule 2 weeks out with instead of the ones I keep room in my weekly calendar for... if that makes sense. 
 Other goals:  Art classes don't seem to be as easy either... especially considering that I want to take Spanish two days a week.. so I am trying to do more on my own, and started a club on facebook hopefully to get people together every few weeks.  the art stuff I have done  recently isn't great, but Ive enjoyed it. 
Voice or instrument lessons, seem to be taking a back seat to getting everything else settled. I played around on our house piano and I was awful. Its like I have lost all ability I have ever had.  Its weird how much it seems creative expression is a thing of the muse. There were times when I could know where the next note should be without trying... there are times now where every note comes out wrong.
We might get a cat. That would be nice.
I might need to make more space and throw things away, maybe these art club days can exhaust my materials.  If I could just lose my attachment to all of my cds... oh wow would that create some space. emotional investment in stuff... ick.

Speaking of emotional investment, what do I do about the German girl?
its not that I think it will ever work, but I want to be in love. So I read into her words and try to find the paths to make beauty of them. I wait on her responses, and enjoy that she asks questions.... but for what?  Its nice to have a crush. It gets you through the day easier.   Knowing someone in the world is interesting, and perhaps interested.  But if it goes no where... why invest so much?
And she is working again, so her responses will be less frequent... and perhaps she is stressed now, so her effort to translate will be less indulgent. and I am not learning German, because that would be one of those leaps of ridiculousness. But if nothing else looks like a pleasing path, why can't I like a girl who has light up eyes?

Pilot

I've been listening to this band for years. I heard then randomly playing at the depot coffee shop while I was in high school.  They a very heavy sort of metal or something.  Anyway I have always enjoyed the lyrics which are very philosophical but whole listening today (and reading). I realized the thing I like about this style of music is that the monotone repeated notes of bass and guitar create not only a rhythm but a second level of percussion. Yes they vary it up a bit and some of the riffs are great. But the majority of the songs are:

One guitarist playing rhythm guitar and occasionally nice accents screeching noises.  He also sings, but it's not singing it's yelling. Not screaming, he is yelling, almost like an angry speech.  This another rhythm. Percussive accents on words.

Then a bass player playing repeated patterns. Sometimes plays the same note or two for a long period of time.

Then drums.

It's a band playing patterns. Overlapping. So that the spaces start to matter at times more than the notes.   Math in movement. Speech in music. The human heartbeat layered with breath, and surges of hormones. 

A day

I woke up feeling groggy. Tried to clean up just a little bit around the house. Showered. Drove down to Shakopee. Got lost. Got found. Went to the casino. Ate at the brunch buffet with family discussing travel, schools, the grocery business, dogs.  Went to ax man.  Met Alicia for coffee. Chatted for a few hours. Ate Leeann chin. Drove to Caitlin's. heard an almost perfect set of acoustic music and beautiful singing. Sat with twenty others in sauna like conditions.   Drove home. Talked to new roommate. Had company over. Talked to Emily and Kristi most of the night.  Met some of the neighbors.  Also talked to terry for a while.  Also met an artist. Also saw the girl that kind f looks like a mix between Becky and her sister.  Also saw a great acoustic set by mabbot's roommate.  Went to mabbot's house. Watched some karaoke.   Got tired and walked home in the new neighborhood and was a little intimidated.  Drove to t bell.  Counted possible prostitutes along lake street(7).

Came home ate and cleaned up a little.  Going to bed. 

Boys and backwards conversations

I am listening to two guys who speak Spanish, one may be basque, the other I am not sure... But they are speaking English because they are trying to practice their English.  They are talking about how it is impossible to get a basque girl to have "fuck" with you.   The one is disagreeing, but it sounds like he half agrees he just wants to make the point.  

Dublin is not a great city for meeting people if you are me.  I go out all day and do tourist things, or shop, or sit around in the hostel, and regardless I can't find anyone to talk to.  And then this lady started talking to me, and didn't stop... And I wondered if she was having the same problem.  I wouldn't say it was much of  a conversation, because I barely got to speak, or ask questions of comment on what she said... But I did hear a lot from her. About her childhood, about her job, about the states she was from... About the state of things.  I was trying to figure out her accent the whole time. Her son also had a difficult accent to place.  She spoke of living all over the states, and spoke German, but part of me felt like she was just making things up the whole time. I think it's just that reality is sometimes stranger than made up stories.

One of these guys seems to have no respect for other people, meanwhile demanding respect from them. Maybe it's an odd sense of humor. 

Tomorrow more tourist stuff... Book of Kells and what not.   The next day a day trip... Then I leave.

I don't really know what to say beyond that.  Looking forward to seeing homies at home...

Looking forward to dinners and coffee without having to worry even in the slightest about money.  Looking forward to work.

Not looking forward to the same problems at home that I am facing here.   Liking people who are far away, and not liking anyone in the way I want, where I want, with the time and energy and exuberance or whatever that I want.

And.   I'm. Out. 

Update from the airport. I am at Dublin airport with a few hours till my flight.  Yesterday was a lot of fun, I made a sort of last minute decision to be a cow. It made people smile. 

Hung out with a Texan who had just started backpacking. He asked me for my info last night and I told him I'd write it down and then didn't. He was nice, I just don't imagine I will hang with him ever again. So what's the point. 

I am super tired.    

Lolly gagging

Chillin at Starbucks sipping on gin and juice or my equivalent of hardcore kick ass coffee!   The locals can't make food filter coffee - it is always burnt and Americanos are ok, but not always what in lookin for.  I'm a talkative one today. Full of jokes and wonder.   I couldn't sleep for a long while last night and had all sorts of revelations about myself, Ireland, reasons for my mood and whatnot.   The short of it was that I hadn't actually had a conversation in days.  The long of it was that I fear the crossroads I'm at, I don't like the not knowing - where I should put my time and energy.  I've been writing this German girl for why?   I've been maintaining a relationship with Becky who doesn't need me, I've been abandoning friends at home, and missing friends who have moved on with their lives.   

Where do I go? Naked And confused and questioning "will i ever, discover why i live and die?" and then the intermission (hair).   

So I'm caught  with many opportunities and no clear direction. My life could become something completely different by next year or I could fall back into old patterns.   But where is the someone?

On Ireland, I was thinking about the dramatic differences between the unemployed and under educated Catholics who started fighting for their rights in Derry by throwing bricks and setting up barricades, vs the high security   Fences and militant discipline of the protestant militias.   The police walked away because they knew there wouldn't be trouble, they had already contained it. It wasn't just a crowd of rowdies, it was specifics, it was access points and leaders.   These boys aren't long haired hippies who want votes, these boys go through combat exercises on the weekends. This is their legacy, painted on every wall and written in every history book. The Shankill boys become soldiers, the backbone of britains ulster. In every war they sign up when no other Irish do. Their marches all celebrate battles won,  soldiers fallen, their legacy is war, their neighborhood is practically a fort. High walls, barbed wire, flags everywhere.  This is home base.  So the police can worry about a handful of troublemakers now and then, but they also know these are their men... Maybe once removed, but should trouble arise, they will fight to their deaths for Britain.

loathing in lagan's bed.

Yea.  For tired turning in on ones self

Coco wrote me a nice little German message about why she liked me... It seemed she thought I was honest and caring, and not shallow and all sorts of positive things... And there is something in me that wants to respond.  -you've got it all wrong, I'm scum.   

And there is something in me that wants to prove it in other terrible ways too, as if someone liking me even a little is too much.   

I have a few days left in Ireland, headed to Dublin tomorrow probably until I fly out later this week.   Eagan just wrote me and said he is flying to Ireland on the same day I fly out. 

I don't really hang with him anymore but it'd have been fun to have a night, earlier today. Was thinking I  haven't heard any live versions of finnigans wake. 

Why do I only like people unavailable to me?   And why when someone likes me, do I want to prove them wrong. 

Some things are unexpected at 29

This is one of those things that i shouldn't post but will because of the oddness of the experience. nocturnal emissions: apparently 3 weeks is too long for my body to go without release.   Maybe I shouldn't stay in mixed dorms.   

Natural highs

Well galway is fan fu king tastic.    - I'm leaving that auto corrected because it is funny.  

Tonight I heard some of the best fiddle playin ever... Traditional Irish songs on fiddle guitar and banjo.  A wonderful jam band who plays funk.  A bunch of acoustic rock bands.   Great street performers.   Just a beautiful night of dancing and rocking out.   

Also coco friended me on Facebook and I don't really care that she is taken.  I just like the idea she looked me up.   I am usually the stalker.

Connemara tomorrow. 

Evening in cork

I got into cork a few hours ago, I am occasionally posting here, sometime other blogs. Keeping two journals and making th videos Long the way... So. Forget what I post/write where... So forgive me for overlapping. I am on my own again, backpacking through Ireland instead of touristing. It feels better, despite not having the ever present social dynamics... But on that tour things kind of broke down into a lot of cliques... Which was dumb. 

I love reading things I've typed n iPad or iPhone because they sound like I don't speak English as a first language... The auto correct s wonderful 

Yesterday I spent my time in Kilkenny a small town (though out side of Dublin and Belfast they are all small).  Kilkenny was historically a very important medieval town with a vastly And lots of abbeys and cathedrals and whatnot.   I hung out with a bunch of Spanish speakers and had a good night out.   I have been spoiled on this trip now...  A bunch of nice cats to hang with, and I am up to my third crush already...  Spoiled. I wrote a poem about this last one, or rather about the feeling having a crush when you are supposed to be interested in a country.  It's over on the poetry blog if you're interested. 

But since that blog is mostly poems... I kind of wanted to write down some funny things about the lady...  Just because she keeps coming t mind.    And no I don't think. Will ever hear from her again,  and no I don't really know if she was interested in me, but she did seem to have those light up eyes.

So lets start there.   Light up blue eyes, the kind that melt you, the kind that have too much power, and their absence makes you yearn, and their presence makes you weak-willed to do anything else but stare.   Blonde hair, weird because I don't usually like blondes, but I suppose the cute ones can be exceptions. Small, too small really, she looked fragile, sometimes a little awkward,  which was cute. Especially when she danced or stretched... She looked awkward and cute, like she knew that it didn't look right, but enjoyed being funny.   Funny, she was ridiculously funny, in both a nice and a weird way, and that made me like her more. At one point when we touring blarney castle she made a joke about pushing me down the stairs and then proceeded to carry that joke, all the little ways she would kill me all the rest of the day.   On a similar note, she thought it was funny that I ate a lot of candy and after I taught her how to make balloon animals she accused me of trying to get  children into my van, her and her friends then made jokes about my pet rabbit.   Caring,    When she asked questions, when you were saying something important she listened deeply, asked questions, showed she was interested.  Fun,  she liked the same music and liked to dance.  Good friends, had a lot of fun together. Very affectionate, both with me and her friends,  if I hadn't been from Minnesota I would have made a move. But I am too shy... She was so touchy in a friendly way, like I had known her for years.   A history teacher.   Though we didn't talk about that much. 

Her and her friends were from an area of Germany where people are very cold, stern,   Minnesotan...  But within a few ours of hanging out I realized they were All very warm, fun, happy... I thoug t was sad the other people on the tour didn't see that side f them much... I guess there were language barriers that some people weren't willing t adapt to.  I can't imagine translating that much in loud places when you are drunk. 

For perspectives sake, I don't know this woman at all, she doesn't like long hair on men, I'm pretty sure she thought I was incredibly weird, she smokes, and drinks a lot.  She has an allergy to fructose, s she cant eat candy.  She is determined to kill me. I don't have her contact details and I actually don't even really know her name...   I called her what it sounded like her friends called her. I'm pretty sure her real name was karina... But wh knows.

Anyway the other crushes were a German in Manchester who was too young, and a tour guide in Dublin who was in a relationship.   

But I'd love if this continued.   Maybe I can meet a Galway girl with black hair and blue eyes. 

The thing with the German was that it felt like chemistry, where as the others didn't have time to pan out to anything at all. The tour guide was a rockstar crush, the other one was just a cute pretty girl.   

This one was real conversation, too many smiles and prolonged eye contact. 

AM. thoughts

Last day of the tour 

I should be able to slow down and do some writing and drawing After this.  My bag is full of dirty clothes so if I can't find a way to get my laundry done tonight im buying some.  We have just a few stops today and then end the tour back in Dublin. Tomorrow I am going to Kilkenny and  to cork the following day.  Then perhaps Galway again followed by Belfast in essence retracing much of the path I've been on.  I think this tour significantly shortened the amount of time I needed in Ireland and I was even questioning whether I should quick book a flight to some other country for a few days.  

The group dynamics on this trip have really bugged me.  There are 5 sorority girls who mostly stick to themselves or the people they deem cool enough to hang with.  It seems subconscious in how easily they write people off.  There are two Australian couples who everyone gets along with.  There are two Australian sisters that can either be the center of the group dynamics or subtely sabotaging them.  There are 4 older women who mostly do their own thing but occasionally have fun with the rest of us.  And seem to be easy going.  There are two Canadians who we just picked up, they seem alright and then there are three Germans I've been hanging with who I realy enjoy.   Pretty sure I have a crush on one of them but.  Today is the last day so...

Derry exploits

On a six day tour with some nice Aussies a girl from Tennessee and 5 sorority   Girls from Texas.  The Real World,    Every one is nice and yesterday was the first realy drinking.  We went to a place in Derry called the metro.    The entertainment was two older men, maybe  40s. Singing songs hover computer tracks,  all covers, mostly 80s and today pop songs.    The patrons were done up in clubbing outfits and way too much make up.  The hilarity was that they were there sincerely and not for shots and giggles.  I started to get nervous when women started giving me flirtatious looks.   There were like 20 women who danced by themselves to the karaoke style music....   When you can't tell whether they are 18 or 45 because of the caked ok powder and the red red lipstick and they startling to rock out to get lucky.    Someone is in trouble.

Later we accident broke in to someone's apartment building...  Are main clue that we were in the wrong building was a pair for rain boots that no backpacker or tourist would wear.

Greetings from Dublin

 I'm glad I waited to post until today, yesterday I was feeling rather down. I am in Dublin, capital of Ireland, city of about 2 million, the oldest city in Ireland according to the history book I read. I'm sitting at a hostel, resting and charging my phone. It's been a long day already, but its only about 6ish so I guess I have awhile to go. I don't get how people party all nig and then have a reasonable day...  Anyway, yesterday I got into town after a blitz through the leeds airport. I was worried about being late, but it ended up being far to close for comfort. Next time. Thi k I need to just invest a little extra for the convenience.  Leeds was alright, seemed a little white trashy... Anyway, I got in yesterday and walked round for a bit, I had told myself to take the day off from. Site seeing but couldn't help a little when I stumbled  upon one of the museums I wanted to go to. I was in the mood for a rest because I was feeling pretty low. It wasn't just the trip that had me down, though not talking to anyone for a few days does do that to me... I was also a larger sort of recognition that my life has changed a lot in the last few years in ways that I can't really describe.   

If someone asks me "what's new?"  As Becky did when I saw her, I can't really describe new things... Like. No new job, no new major friends, no relationship, no family drama that is especially exciting, no babies, no school, no major projects.... I think I'm rather boring.   But at a certain point I realized there was something very new, that she could help me with, but I didn't know how t ask, and wasn't certain she had the response I wanted.   

"What's new?"   More than ever in my life I think I am fairly isolated and feeling unsupported. 

The difference between now and any time previous is that it isn't just in my head... It's not a feeling of being awkward and outcast, it's recognizing the real limits in your life... and this is an opportunity to make new friends, do cool new things, try something... But I'm not sure what it is I want, beyond friends or a girl friend....

So I went to York to see Becky, and though it was fine, it was fun, it was friendly... It wasn't best friend friendly, and I realized it probably won't be ever again. This in itself was a blow, but it made me wonder what the hell I was doing on a trip, when I couldn't really invest or have anyone really invest in me here... I'm on vacation from real connection ---> which is the only thing I truly desire.  It made me want to go home and made traveling seem so stupid.  

I came to Dublin under those circumstances and wrestled with them.  Is city is beautiful, there are wonderful people here, there is good history and I am looking forward to seeing the country, but a part of me is feeling like my romantic day dreamer fantasy traveler mode has led me astray.

That being said, the tour guide this morning was awesome, and I developed a sort of rockstar crush on her, (unfortunately for me she is in a relationship). And the tour guide in training told me she met her boyfriend on a trip just like this... So maybe I shouldn't give up so quickly.   

That last post was supposed to be on another blog, I will move it later. Also typing on an iPad is ridiculous because it auto corrects as you go and sometimes that is helpful and sometimes they put random periods and commas in and sometimes they are way off on their suggestion.  

 It's 7:40 pm and I am at a coffee shop in downtown Reykjavik.  It is clearing out which makes me a little concerned they will close but its Friday so I don't know why they would close early. 

Maybe it's dinner hour and everyone went home.

So I have been doing pretty well, mentally I go back and forth between really enjoying myself and being frustrated with money.  Physically I am annoyed I can't sleep all night, but its been really helpful for tours and things to wake early.  My right leg has been hurting every day, which is no different than when I'm walking at home, but its super annoying to have to stretch every half hour... And it makes me wonder if I tore something at some point. Other than that I am physically doing well, surprising since I am behind on sleep.

I guess tomorrow I am going to try to do a whale tour. The next day I am going to another peninsula further west on a really expensive tour... I hope is worth it.   Overall I think I will be spending a thousand plus on this one week in iceland... But hopefully I will never need to come back because I have seen it all. 

It hasn't been sunny the whole time I have been here, some days the blue peeks  through but the sun doesn't really.  My feet smell and my clothes probably will soon... Is that combination of walking for hours and getting wet over and over again.  It's not so bad since my pants dry fairly quickly but I don't really want to do Landry here in iceland because its going to cost me 8 bucks and for some reason I imagine I could get it cheaper in England... Which doesn't make an sense because the British pound is not going to be doing me any favors.   I'm going to spend a few days in Manchester than maybe meet up with Becky for a day or two and then head to Dublin.  I'm worried about the flight to Dublin because I think they purposely set it up so  people would be late and they could make more money.  I will probably have to call a taxi and that ain't gonna be cheap.   My goal is always to have a great time and it spend much, but on this trip I think I may just have to bite e bullet. 

Typing on this thing is really hurting my wrists. Like the worst arthritis I have ever had. 

Google maps says my hostel is 10 Kilometers away but I think it's less and I think it's walkable... Unfortunately with my leg being weird I don't think I should try... But it would be fun and give me something to do. 

Personal thoughts?    

I wonder what others think about me... Can they tell I'm a tourist right away? Can they tell how old I am? Do they think I look interesting or attractive? 

Furthermore,  am I?   I don't think I am going through some kind of crisis, but without a source of productivity and without friends or family to guide me, to mold me, to support me... Do I have anything to offer?

It's hard because while traveling you don't really get to know people... These relationships are so shallow and knowing that I will move on very soon, makes me think its more important to check in with Facebook than say hi to someone at a hostel... But I wonder if they are thinking that too... 

Most of e people I have met are on shorter trips... I guess one lady I hung out with a couple days ago was on  a much longer trip, but I didn't find I had that much of a need to impress her, and I wasn't necessarily impressed with her... Not because she wasn't interesting. Just wasn't needy, or drawn in. 

I remember one of the joys of traveling w as finding like minded people and they are here... But not in the same way.   Maybe my bod and my mind have changed. Maybe I shouldn't be doing these trips in is way anymore... Maybe I need to be in a group or go with friends. 

I'm not homesick and I'm not excited to go home. I'm really enjoying the trip other than the slight pains  on the body and the wallet.  But. I guess I thought I would be relaxed and curious... And I am not that yet.    I should give up electronics for a few days.   

Anyway. Maybe I need to take some Tylenol or something, you enjo yourself. 

Iceland impressions

Yesterday I got into iceland after a delayed flight from Minneapolis and Boston. My first impression was that it was a barren wasteland with rich volcanic soil. Super wet and cold.  I have come to find out this is many people's first impression of the reykjanes peninsula and the land between Keflavik and Reykjavik.

After recognizing that underneath this wet soil was a lyer of rock, that broke through the surface. On top mossy grass.   The land was flat except in the distance hills, later mountains. 

The bus took us into Reykjavik center from the north of the city, and it made me realize how grateful I am for arriving in a city the right way.  Some cities are messy and chaotic but most have a plan, if you can see it from the right angle, and the drive in provided that view, one that showed the north harbor could be a reference point until everything else was figured out.   But actually the touristy city center is really easy.  It's a series of streets radiating out from a central place not far from the harbor. 

I stayed in the domes guesthouse, a quiet but clean barebones kind of place. I don't even have bedding because it seems everyone else brought a sleeping bag... No maybe this shouldhave been my first clue that I wasn't really prepared for I iceland.

It was early when I got in so I decided to go fora walk.  It started sprinkling offering me the first chance to test out my rain gear... An irritating hard sprinkle of a rain, one that soaks you over time but t first seems like nothing.   I walked east, not the best direction to head, but it seemed that at 8 or 9 in the morning all of Reykjavik was dead and closed. 

I stopped into a 24 hour grocer to check prices... Things didn seem unreasonable but I really don't have a grip on the conversion rate... Ben and Jerry's ice team was like 10$ 

In that first few hours I saw very few people, but over time I saw a number of tattoo shops, graffiti, lingerie or sex shops, book stores, kaffe shops, music stores and more. 

Eventually I stopped for a muffin and a coffee. Which cost me like 7 bucks or something... And at this point I realized that everything in iceland was normal price plus a dollar or two more. If you are used to paying $2 it will be 3-4.   This is an irritating conclusion but one I have stuck to so far.

After checking out the man shopping streets and getting irritated with the dull girl at the tourist info shop.  I decided I should do something with m day so I could get out of Reykjavik as soon as possible and see everything I wanted to.

I  walked to the big cathedral church that is the highest point in the area.the view was great and I was feeling confident... So I walked down to some of the points I saw.  Heading towards the pond and the churches beyond... I ran into city hall which was having an exhibit on the capital as a literary city.   The pond was beautiful but I went further, after running around a different church and swooping around some neighborhoods I headed towards the harbor to ask about the whale watching tours.  I decided on which one i would take if I did take one...     Then checked out some of the restaurants and shops by the harbor, then ran into an art museum and though I was exhausted I decided I would take on the task the guy at the door gave of using my ticket to visit one of the other museums as well.  The first museum has some interesting pop art And comic book stuff, along with an exhibit of smells... I mean really it was a room with dozens of boxes and each box had a slightly different scent.  It was fascinating, but they were all slightly perfume-y. So it was also maybe not as interesting as it cold have been.  Still they needed the whole room to work together so I guess it has to be a pseudo base scent.

Anyway I liked that stuff, but I was sleepy s I walked to another coffee shop and got some green tea.  Then walked to the other art museum which showed Icelandic painters in the first half of the 20th century, and what hit me the most was that many of the landscapes had been in the tourist videos I watched on the flight.

After  the art museum I decided it would be best to visit the other tall monument the pearl museum with the saga tour or whatever.... It was a long walk through some fields and some highways and I sang best friends forever to myself while trying not to freak out about the pain in my knee. 

The museums view was spectacular we'll worth the walk, but the museum itself wasn't too hot, in act I did not recommend it to other folks in the hostel - even though they went and loved it.  The audio guide was good, but the model recreations were pretty shite, and it felt a lot like a less good version of Jorvik.   After that I decided for was in order but I could find anywhere I wanted to eat so I ended up retracing my steps back over by the harbor. I ended up getting a killer doner kebab and fries and was satisfied.... Then I had some energy so I went down to the harbor to check out the views along the coast.   

At a certain point I decided I would need to sleep so I headed back to my hostel and met up with the folks who were there. As I was about to charge my phone I realized that my adaptor didn't work and ran out to a store... Eventually purchasing a new one (for the next few days) at a cost of 15$ 

Maybe this is when my mood changed or when I got back to the hostel to try to plan out the rest of my trip.

I was cross referencing hostels to the places on the map I wanted to go and found nothing within my price range.  Ys I could stay snaelfellsnes for around 100 a night but that didn't guarantee I could get to the mountain or get back to the city the next day.   Us I cold stay 2 hours away from this other park but for 60 bucks a night  and same issues of transportation... Then I started realizing that even many of these places were fully booked, and spooked I decided "shit I better stay here and just take tours" but when I looked for vacancies in Reykjavik through the weekend there was NOTHING!  I was freaking out.c.. Did I need to leave iceland all together?  I decided no, I will just book a place closer to the airport so for the next few days I will be staying in hafnarfjordur which is apparently like the next big city south of here that no one has heard of, except I guess they have a troll village or something... I look forward to it, but it brings up more issues too.

I will get back to that at some point, probably when I just bite the bullet and do it.

I went to bed frustrated, but recognizing that even if I spent 1000 dollars for the next few days I'd still be alright... Annoyed spiteful even but alright.  

I woke up at 3 am, but with a plan. Today was the day for the golden circle, a tour of notable sites, a major waterfall, an awesome geyser and the rift between the North American and European tectonic plates  which happens to also be the place where iceland became a pseudo democracy - establishing a parliament hundreds of years before it was cool in other countries.

This trip was awesome.... And I am hoping to show it in pictures, but a few things came to me while i was there.... A) iceland is awesome B) with sights like these I understand why they charge so much C) I love traveling even if I hate it too sometimes.     And many more thoughts I will share at some point r not. 

City and selfies

Xenocide and thoughts and travels

First off, I am reading Xenocide the third in the Ender's Game series, and like the first two, it has definitely made me think about a lot of things. The second one, Speaker for the Dead was in some ways a pretty life changing book. This one, is not quite that mind blowing, but there are some wonderful elements so far and some great things to think about.  Its hard to balance the equation between the mind expanding and value changing ideas found in the books vs the author who seems to be pretty much a tool. Some of the author's view points are based around his understanding of genetic continuation within humans through sexuality, a point brought up in the books, but that doesn't seem to be the way the situation is handled in the books... there seems to be a more "enlightened" view... anyway it was that exact point I was thinking about at 11:00 on a Friday night while I read in a coffee shop full of middle aged and older men, each of us alone at a separate table.  
Some of the main characters(a brother and sister) in trying to help an alien species recognize that your genetic code doesn't control your life describe human history in its basics, evolutionarily there are different roles being played out. Men either act aggressively, spread their seed and conquer, or attempt to provide stable and supportive environments for their partners (sometimes a mix of both). Women sometimes seek out the aggressive males, and sometimes seek out the supportive males. 
This is the sort of typical simplify to the mating habits approach... and yet none of us ever really think about it too much... in fact while the sister is describing it the brother becomes uncomfortable. He thinks "I have done both of these, but I don't choose to see myself in either way at the core..."   he also realizes that though successful in both accounts (in the first book, he is the ultimate warrior, the second book the ultimate peacemaker),  he has married, but never had his own children. He has helped raise his wife's children. He has a slight recognition that although he has fulfilled both of the ultimate roles in essence he has failed as a member of the species to pass on his genes... this doesn't cause him to fall apart, but its an odd moment to recognize... and I looked around the room at at least 6-7 men ranging from late 30s to 60s and wondered if they too had offered all they could, would continue to make societal contributions but perhaps not pass on their genes.   
and I looked at the new barista the young skinny one that seemed to show up 2 weeks ago but already was part of the team... and wondered about how much of the "attraction" I felt to her or anyone in the room was based on genetics and how much was based on choice, or free will, or spirit, or intelligence.    I always find the moments of raw simple evolutionary survival strategies to be uncomfortable...  perhaps because regardless of whether I want to believe or act upon them... they are somewhat true?  Maybe I am failing at my purpose...  maybe I should have a promiscuous phase and see what comes of it.  


I leave for Iceland on Monday. I am excited and suddenly a little scared. I feel like there is a lot to do, and a lot left undone. My room is a mess of semi-packed things ready to be transferred to a new home. If I die, most of my books are at Jareds... but thats about it.

If I die, go through all the writing and drawing and you will surely find out a little more about what I was. Or have your suspicions confirmed or rejected or made more complex.

I plan on doing a lot of writing and hopefully updating a few blogs and posting on the facebook. 
If nothing else, there will be a lot of pictures I think... I am not sure what to expect from this half planned half assed trip. I have been reading a lot about Ireland, and watching movies and getting excited, but Iceland is kind of a mystery to me. A cold and rainy mystery if the weather report is to believed. I hope it doesn't rain the whole day and is more like a few minutes of rain then nothing... The pictures are going to be washed out I am guessing... better use some instagram shit. 

My life is full and yet pretty empty of people. I spend more time with my Dad than anyone else lately. Doesn't feel bad, just not what I expected at this point in my life.

I bet we have a lot in common, I bet you like the same things I do: chocolate, sleeping, new pets, spring time, summer time too

Below is a video of a person reading some bell hooks, we discuss  this excerpt (most of it) with the students at school... I am unsure how hearing it vs reading it plays out... but what do you think? 

Also I am not saying all of this is brilliant but there are brilliant parts of it...  

 Last night I played skee ball, I am looking forward to the next time I can play skee ball. Also hoping this is good (Flea's solo album), but I haven't listened to it yet. 

I just sent an email to someone and got sick to my stomach. It was an email asking them how they are doing, and saying I was interested in getting to know them... nothing more than that.* I got sick like I got sick every time I hung out with Jess V for the first year. I hope this isn't a sign.

 I am going to Iceland/Ireland in 2 weeks! So much walking today.... Pride was ok, but mostly it was commercial feeling. 

Maybe see Bronchi, Illy and who knows who else this week? Maybe go canoeing. Grant and Chris get home, gonna hear about South America... and find out whether I am still driven to go next year. Been wondering if I will have the cash... I am pretty sure it will rock my bank account. 

 I read something today that said green is a trigger color for creativity, while red inhibits it. My room at Jared's is red... Ima haffa paint dat shit 


*I was listening to Best Friends Forever's "Twins in Love"(not the best version) and "Tape Song", but really all of their songs about living and believing in the fantasy rather than actually trying things("Jes Excellent" "How BFF Breaks it off with Movie Stars" etc)  ... I still love those songs but I decided that was good enough 5 years ago when I was listening to them, but not anymore.

Babies

Two of my students recently had a baby (they are a couple, so just 1 of them actually gave birth).  Its exciting and weird to see teenagers in that position.  My coworker who also recently had a baby with her partner joked with the boy that they were going to get "World's best Dad's" mugs and have coffee together.  My coworker spent a year trying to get pregnant and it never took, after just two tries inseminating her partner she was pregnant, so my coworker ended up being the "dad" instead of the "mom"  though she is doing pretty well as a mom so far.   A few times towards the end of the year she would bring in her baby daughter and the kids would all gather around. They said I looked awkward with her, and I did, I felt awkward with her like I do with all babies... but as I said to one of the students, "I'm a boy, we aren't taught to run up and hold all the babies in the family."  
The student thought that was dumb.

Its been almost a year since some ladies asked me to be a biological father.   At the time I was terrified and excited. I felt honored and in my head it was something that would be good for me, root me to something, give me a sense of wholeness in a way I didn't have.  I still think that that would be the case, and maybe a little less selfishly, over the year I started to think that though awkward... I would make a good father. Sure I am scared, but being afraid isn't a good excuse for things anymore. 

The bio-dad thing didn't work out, and though I sometimes regret putting them through it, I am glad I did it, and glad it didn't happen.  It didn't feel right... not ethically or anything, just personally. In my heart I knew I wanted to be a Dad, but a Dad who is there.  Full of fear, but there I guess...

In the past year I have started having lots of dreams of babies... even this week I think there have been like 3 or 4, one last night which is why I woke up thinking about this...   babies in trouble, babies being passed around to be marveled at, babies who grow and develop, babies who call me by name, babies who cry and babies who smile. Babies who will someday inherit the Earth, but for now are wrapped up and needy. (*I worry the "needy" piece is desirable to me)

In the past year I went from "sure I want to be a Dad some day, to yeah I want to be a Dad."  
I don't know how to make that happen in the way I want... just as I don't know how to partner up...
but its become a real thing.
My first reaction to my Ex being pregnant was jealousy, the second sadness.  I don't know if the jealousy was of her husband, or of both of them living a life I presume to be good.  The sadness was not something I expected. I didn't know why I wanted to cry, just did. It was raw emotion, without thoughts, and I still don't have any... but the sadness has faded. Life goes on. 

I imagine this will keep happening in my life. Little moments of envy. 
I don't really know what to do about any of it.   

I am supposed to be going to SoT right now, and PRIDE today,  but I think I will probably go to a coffee shop like every other day... because I am a creature of habit.    Though maybe one that slowly grows. 



* So I have often noticed that I feel more secure with people when they need me, lately no one seems to need me, or I can't give them everything they need -which might be healthy boundary setting, but I am worried that my desires are really all just me trying to get my need to be needed met... care-taking traits... uggghh.

preparing and depleting

I just paid 6 months (sept-feb) rent. I hope that works out.
Today I also bought 3 new pairs of pants (2 on sale, including the skinniest jeans I have owned since my mom was buying me jeans), some storage bins (my room is entirely plastic), some gel pads for my shoes -because I be walking so much ;),  a  bunch of travel shit... like mini deodorant and mini sun screen and a rain coat that I am hoping will protect me from the wet of the lands I will be headed to shortly.

I heard from Melissa, that she is planning on being in the Miniapple at the exact time I was headed over there, which is disappointing, and now I am left with the question of to spend a few more days.  Should I spend it in Ireland, maybe walk a trail?   I haven't looked into them enough to know if you need a sleeping bag and tent (I'd have to rent) because I also got out the bag I am taking and it is GOING TO BE LIGHT.    or else... I will have a sore back...
no, I am just hoping I can manage with very little... even the idea of two pairs of pants is bugging me right now, don't even mention the inevitable giant of a towel that always gets purchased.

I  have been really bored lately. I don't mean that I haven't been doing things, I have just had the feeling of it not being very exciting.
By lately I mean yesterday and today.  I have decided it is because I don't have a crush, or rather, that the only person I have a crush on(la profesora) is a stranger who I will probably never see again--  And part of me likes it that way... because in this way she stays something desirable... but maybe I'd hate her if I met her.
Anyway... life is more exciting with a reason to get out of bed... my life seems on hold.
Even the art and writing and reading and all that gets a little old... how to stay "present" when you don't have a future you are looking forward to...
Anyway that was my little rant.

I watched a movie called The Wind that Shakes the Barley  which is about the Irish War for Independence, and the subsequent Irish Civil War. It is incredibly sad... and I am reminded I am headed to a country that's national sense of self is somewhat based on these traumas.
Good movie, but hard.

Im a get back to organizing... you take care of yourself now ya hear

samuel the puppy bear

If all I want to do is sit around and listen to this(picture a little nsfw), does that make me pathetic?

I already went for a walk, did some planning and some reading. Every time I start one of these I think "sure I will have something to say" but then within seconds I realize I really don't. I read a book today that suggested keeping a journal of good things, happy things from each day. 

Good gyro at the gas station with Dad, an adventurous walk through the neighborhoods of Eden Prairie, a short chat with Ali. A few minutes facebook chatting with Becky, to be reminded that I over think, and not everyone is mad at me when they don't respond. A good iced tea. A good soundtrack. A ton of fantasies about meeting people, moments of real confidence. 

Here are some selfies, a shot of the sky over downtown and some storm damage:

 

I think it's a pretty common complaint... I haven't had Internet for the past few days and it started to feel a little lonely. Now I have it back and it feels way more lonely than it did without the possibility. 

I've been walking around lakes, drawing and dancing, reading books and wondering about people.  Thinking abut buying properties and thinking about taking vows of poverty.  Wondering if I should be a street performer or a pick up artist. Wondering if I need to exercise more and cut out excess, wondering if I should be packing up my stuff and why no one texts or emails me back.   

I am headed to Iceland on the 15th of July and coming back the 16th of August but in many ways that's feels worlds away.     Too soon and too far.   My coworkers joke that I will fall in love, I'm more worried about falling out. 

The moon has been big and so have my dreams, the return of Internet feels like a crash.  Perhaps the imagined possibilities are richer than realities.    Perhaps I'm being dramatic.     I miss someones. 

Falling

So my computer is in the shop, and I am learning to play around with iPad and all the apps and what not. I guess this is good practice for when I am traveling.  Some of it seems really cool and then you recognize the limitations.   Wifi is always going to be one limit...these things are practically useless without Internet.  Modifying things seems harder than with a good old mouse and screen. This is the wave of the future though right?   I don't have an iPhone yet, still planning on getting one.  I think my fingers are too big for these kinds of devices.... I am constantly hitting the wrong thing, or not hitting it because my fingers are fat or something.

Been seeing movies lately because I have no life.  Saw The East yesterday and today I saw superman, superman was excellent, the east was...ok.  I wished for more i guess.   

I have this bummed out, sad/jealous thing going on.

Last night I had a dream, I was with my dad in some sort of vehicle, and he said he'd wait in the car while I went and got it... But I got the impression  he was scared.  I went into the place... It turned out to be some sort of weird cavernous desert scene, with mountains and cliffs and unstable rocky ground.  I was just pulling myself up to the last ridge, when before me a volcano exploded. I could see the lava shoot up, but at first I felt no immediate danger... Then as it was showering closer, I realized that the whole area was unsafe nd I began to run.   I was running, leaping over cracks and fissures, I was jumping off of boulders and squeezing under narrow spaces.... When suddenly in the fast confusion of it all I was falling, sliding and it seemed  I was being swallowed by the earth... I remember as I descended  The thought that I couldn't possibly ever climb my way out of this great deep abyss.... And then I hit bottom... And the sand and rock piled atop me... Threatening to bury me, I tried to pull m way up, stay on top of the ground... Stay on top or I would surely die.... All this for an errand.  I'd never see anyone again... But I wanted to live...   So I woke up. 

I don't know if this is the first of some great fear about getting old... Or a warning to not get too close to any volcanos... Or a subconscious attempt at recognizing that I feel in over my head... Or sinking... Or separate. 

Summer School is going well.

I have plans to move some of my stuff in July before I leave and then the big stuff later I guess. 

I'm still not sure of the when and where of my travels...

I've been having all of these baby dreams and thoughts lately, but they weren't of yours. 

It's only 9:00 pm I kind of want to go to sleep... I live an awesome and yet boring existence. 

i only disliked one of these

I feel dumb.  I know this is just a passing feeling, its not all that powerful, its not all that extreme... I just feel like I screwed up on being what I should be.   
That's another thing right   "should" statements...
What did I do so wrong? Why is this... not what I want. Why am I not what I want...
too much fantasy and dreaming, and not enough being ok with reality. 

Weeks ago I couldn't sleep, so as I often do I started to imagine different possibilities for my life and the world. The desire I had was to become some sort of spiritual teacher, knowing full well it was fake, but knowing enough about spirituality and psychology and showmanship, that I would be helping people regardless because all they really need is for someone to care right? Tonight I watched Kumare. 

I'm really lonely in a way that seems different than in the past. I am hanging out with people every day, I am doing things I enjoy, I am preparing for the future. But everything feels fake.  Like this isn't my real life, this is me pretending to do the things I am supposed to do.  I am supposed to be in love, on an adventure and starting a family. Where is that? 

I have more thoughts but fuck it.  I hope you are well.  

feeling the ick

You know when you watch a video a bunch and then realize it has very few total plays... and you think "damn I must have contributed like half of those."

yeah


I feel kind of ill right now, and I think that might be contributing to my feeling low... but I am also trying to be social tonight... cuz I said I would - and that is the only way to keep yourself accountable right? plus they have good peanut butter cookies.


Its a mixture of loneliness, pessimism, envy and body aches.

Lonely because I can't have all the things I want.
Pessimistic because things aren't the way they should be, and its exhausting (owls).
Envious because other people are doing the things I wish I were doing.
Body aches because...  lunch wasn't cooked right? or because I stayed up too late?   who knows

Also, I am sick of these fucking bugs in my room. Who do I blame that on?

slowly shrinking

Its sad that my reaction to people moving on... is wishing people would post more on facebook or other websites so I could keep in touch without actually keeping in touch.

heart hotel

Yesterday I was thinking a lot about my heart, in some ways I feel like its the only thing I really know... in other ways it is a complete mystery to me. I began to imagine it as a sort of hotel. I don't know how big this hotel is, how many rooms it has, its constantly surprising to me... but there are some things that are for certain. Some of the rooms are filled with folks traveling through, short and long term stays welcome, but these folks will make their presence known for a night or for a few hundred and then pass on leaving room for the next guest. Other rooms seem permanent, my family for instance seems to have some really random rooms scattered throughout the hotel and they seem to have the right to do as they please within the confines of the hotel. Sometimes they knock down walls, shrink and enlarge their domain. Sometimes they get locked into their rooms for long periods of time without anyone noticing, but they are still there.  Sometimes they cause a commotion and the whole building gets shaken up...  there are more rooms, that seem to have a time and place.  For instance that girl that one night at Pete's house who told me about her religion. I don't understand why she is still around, I can barely find that room, but sometimes I stumble upon it and I go oh yeah she existed...I only met her once, but she has a room somewhere. Same with a few others, its not that I see them anymore but they still have a spot and it seems like it only fades slightly with time... childhood friends, for instance may have a spot but it seems like it has been under construction for a long time... so maybe eventually it will reopened for someone new.  Then there are the permanent rooms, the rooms for the people that I loved, and love, and though I sometimes have to make adjustments to the size of these rooms, they are here to stay... I know those rooms. I make a habit of walking down their halls on the regular, check to see if the lights on, to see if the room is warm etc.  These rooms are comfortable, I do whatever it takes to keep them comfortable, always ready for their return.  There are rooms I have had to open up because someone came in out of the rain and needed a place to stay, and also rooms where someone popped in and made my little hotel a more charming place.  There are the rooms that had catastrophes in them, and the rooms where miracles occurred. There are the rooms I don't go to because I am embarrassed -but they are still there because they are part of who I am... and there are rooms that I know are there but I still don't know who they belong to.  These are the people I am looking for, the ones with keys that will one day swoop in and unlock some piece of my hotel that holds some secret I don't know about... and I am waiting. Trying to keep the place looking nice, warm, comfortable... keeping the lights on to guide them in.   

Meh

I don't really know what it is exactly... maybe allergies sweeping in to rob me of my thoughts and tempt my eyes to close. Maybe its the weather, the barometric pressure causing my body to want to hide and find shelter under the covers. Maybe its just exhaustion, weeks of stress and emotional draining...  Maybe its depression, or just grieving. 

I have a thought, a dream, a plan... it vanishes, leaves me sleepy. 

I have a desire, a fantasy, a motivation... it vanishes, leaves me sleepy.

I don't really know what to do. Its not getting in the way of my normal daily routines... work is fine. But I am not really enjoying much, not really wanting to do the things I find myself doing. 

I wish I could. I would like to enjoy conversations and music, I'd like to appreciate things. I'd like to be creative and passionate... but when I try to put myself in a place to be/do that... I just get sleepy. 

How annoying



good work is happening at the capital this week.
 I want to run away. 

Saturday night may o '13

Lacey told me tonight she is probably moving to Texas in a few weeks. I wasn't surprised entirely because she has been thinking about it, but I didn't know it would be so soon. That's before the school year is even over... meaning I won't even have time to think about it too much.

She asked me when I'd be able to go down, or rather if I would want to... I told her maybe in the fall, but that this summer I better go on with the things I was thinking about for me.  Maybe Philadelphia in June, and maybe Ireland in July?
Who knows though...

I am not sure what or how to think about that right now... I am not overwhelmed with it, but it will change things. Its funny to think how quick a friendship can begin and become such a main part of your life.  Or how quickly that can change.

I have been wanting to write a lot lately, but I haven't known what to write.
I have been thinking about all the various things in my life... the themes of my personal life, the systems and institutions I have embedded myself within, the society at large... but I wish I could think about other stuff... something more creative or adventurous.
Like the other night I thought about becoming a wandering street healer... first I would study various kinds of healing, acupressure, reiki, some holistic stuff, some spiritual shaman stuff... you know all the miraculous and natural.  Then I would plop myself down on a busy thoroughfare and offer my services. I'd perform it like an act so people wouldn't get offended if I didn't cure their cancer... but the majority of it would probably work to some extent... people need good energy and connection and not much else right?  I could give people some time and attention and they would feel better and tip me a few bucks here and there.

Two of my roommates might be moving out. One to a new house he is buying, and one to Oregon.  Times they are a changing.
`Could be some dramatic changes at work next year too if things go right...

i dunno this is boring. my computer is acting weird and im not impressed  with any of this writing.