Babies

Two of my students recently had a baby (they are a couple, so just 1 of them actually gave birth).  Its exciting and weird to see teenagers in that position.  My coworker who also recently had a baby with her partner joked with the boy that they were going to get "World's best Dad's" mugs and have coffee together.  My coworker spent a year trying to get pregnant and it never took, after just two tries inseminating her partner she was pregnant, so my coworker ended up being the "dad" instead of the "mom"  though she is doing pretty well as a mom so far.   A few times towards the end of the year she would bring in her baby daughter and the kids would all gather around. They said I looked awkward with her, and I did, I felt awkward with her like I do with all babies... but as I said to one of the students, "I'm a boy, we aren't taught to run up and hold all the babies in the family."  
The student thought that was dumb.

Its been almost a year since some ladies asked me to be a biological father.   At the time I was terrified and excited. I felt honored and in my head it was something that would be good for me, root me to something, give me a sense of wholeness in a way I didn't have.  I still think that that would be the case, and maybe a little less selfishly, over the year I started to think that though awkward... I would make a good father. Sure I am scared, but being afraid isn't a good excuse for things anymore. 

The bio-dad thing didn't work out, and though I sometimes regret putting them through it, I am glad I did it, and glad it didn't happen.  It didn't feel right... not ethically or anything, just personally. In my heart I knew I wanted to be a Dad, but a Dad who is there.  Full of fear, but there I guess...

In the past year I have started having lots of dreams of babies... even this week I think there have been like 3 or 4, one last night which is why I woke up thinking about this...   babies in trouble, babies being passed around to be marveled at, babies who grow and develop, babies who call me by name, babies who cry and babies who smile. Babies who will someday inherit the Earth, but for now are wrapped up and needy. (*I worry the "needy" piece is desirable to me)

In the past year I went from "sure I want to be a Dad some day, to yeah I want to be a Dad."  
I don't know how to make that happen in the way I want... just as I don't know how to partner up...
but its become a real thing.
My first reaction to my Ex being pregnant was jealousy, the second sadness.  I don't know if the jealousy was of her husband, or of both of them living a life I presume to be good.  The sadness was not something I expected. I didn't know why I wanted to cry, just did. It was raw emotion, without thoughts, and I still don't have any... but the sadness has faded. Life goes on. 

I imagine this will keep happening in my life. Little moments of envy. 
I don't really know what to do about any of it.   

I am supposed to be going to SoT right now, and PRIDE today,  but I think I will probably go to a coffee shop like every other day... because I am a creature of habit.    Though maybe one that slowly grows. 



* So I have often noticed that I feel more secure with people when they need me, lately no one seems to need me, or I can't give them everything they need -which might be healthy boundary setting, but I am worried that my desires are really all just me trying to get my need to be needed met... care-taking traits... uggghh.