wholeness

I keep falling asleep early. Tonight I ate dinner, bought a cup of coffee to go, came home checked out some things on the internet and passed out. This seems typical lately.  I woke up a few hours later and had trouble getting back to sleep. I had the coffee because I haven't been practicing spanish like I would like to be... well not as my goals would dictate. So I thought if I didn't have anything else going on I would naturally find myself fulfilling my goals... but that doesn't seem to be the case.
I tried to get back to sleep after an hour of watching more stuff on youtube and checking out the news and whatnot.  I started thinking of all the areas in my life that I have been arrogant. 
Working around young people it is easy to be aware of arrogance. I think about these times when I was a teen, or a young adult. Sometimes in relationships, sometimes exploring my own head and heart space. So sure of myself, or so desirous for some sense of truth that the moment I had something I claimed it. I suppose I still do this, but its harder now, because things seem more muddy, more mixed up.  Like it is ___________ and simultaneously not ____________... it is blank's opposite and its essence, its counterpart, its companion, it's an illusion and a truth all wrapped up in one... and I am not sure how to pursue that really.
Seeking happiness does one find happiness?  Seeking contentment, does one find contentment?  Seeking fulfillment and wholeness, are these the end result?

I find my language to be stifled, I can't think in the words I want to use, can't find the examples.  I don't know if that is a product of my working around teens with limited vocabulary or if I am just too stressed to be taking in new information. I am dissatisfied. Deeply dissatisfied, but so comfortable with that -that it is almost more of a nagging nuisance than a real presence in my life.  
I am not really happy with any of the areas of my life right now, but I don't dwell on that... its just a gnat. These things fly in and fly out. 

My attempt to sleep was eventually pushed out entirely because I was lesson planning for civics class... thinking about all the things I actually want to teach but because I can't even get through the basics - I am apt to neglect.  The current topic is the constitution.  I am trying to go over the framework of how that is supposed to work, so that we can get to how things actually work... but I want to stop, break it down, give them issues to solve and force them to do it in the congressional way.  But what issues do they know about? What issues could they solve? What issues could they pass?  What would they be willing to work towards?   practically nothing... The complexities of anything that actually affects them - are usually so beyond their understanding, that they run from any situation presented... the staff often laments they will be eaten alive by the world. 

Years ago a former student/former staff member/former vice presidential nominee   walked out of a class shocked at the students responses to some of the scenarios she presented.  What would you do if they threatened to shut down the school? she asked the class... the students said "find another school."  There was no suggestion of fighting back, or probing or questioning the power structure... these were defeated kids, moving on defeated... passed around to defeated do-gooders who would be squashed again and again. 

My coworker ended one of her classes early today, frustrated that the students wouldn't even attempt to have a discussion in class(I have ended several this year for the same reason, or switched to independent study). They were too tired, too apathetic. They'd played video games all night, or were high, or were so used to being entertained that they couldn't fathom taking charge of their own lives, or they hadn't eaten in days, or they hadn't ever formed their own opinions, or they hadn't ever learned how to be in community, to have a discussion, to play a role... and she asked me is this what it has come to?  and I said yes, because I am a cynic and because I see catastrophe everywhere, and because I am stressed and because I want more opportunities that are easy paths to truth, and right now the only truth is that I feel like we are fucked. 

But I also asked what we should do about it... because I haven't given up either.  because this is a very big gnat, but it will fly away too... or I will, and in either case that makes things temporary. 

I feel like I might be coming up on one of those big transitions though, where you maybe choose the wrong path. Where maybe you make mistakes, where maybe things get harder before they get okay. Where maybe you have to grow a lot overnight, or spend a lot of time exhausted.

I spend a lot of time wondering how to avoid this misery that I know will come with the possibilities of something better.   The unknown is a rather scary thing for a person with an imagination like mine.   
Part of me wants to learn healing arts, part of me wants to learn to entertain, part of me wants to leave, part of me wants to be more extreme, part of me wants to have a family and settle down, part of me wants to make money and buy security, part of me wants to be creative, part of me wants to slow down and be less stressed, part of me wants to invite disaster, part of me wants punishment, part of me wants newness, and most of me just wants to be validated regardless. 

The issue with a slow life, the humble life, isn't that it wouldn't be fulfilling... the issue is that I would be depressed and anxious. 
The issue with the entertaining, or creative life is that I don't know that I can sustain it, the muse leaves me often, and I become very self conscious and depressed. 
The issue with an adventurous life isn't that it wouldn't be fulfilling... the issue is that I would be scared and anxious (and if I didn't find the right support -depressed). 
The issue with staying the course, is that if things don't get better, this current path is soul crushing and I'll lose myself in it. 
Ups and downs of every path... I see my own self as the biggest of enemies. 
 I've learned to fight off the extremes I suppose but I don't know that the middle path if on a decline is actually better. 

I need to spend more time outside this room.