oh another

I have been thinking about the importance of partners lately. 
Maybe because it is fall and I am thinking about nesting, or because I see my roommates scold and comfort and entertain each other. 

Or because my views on life are being reconsidered -like how landscapes call to me now, when it used to be only abstract ideas... and it makes me think of all the ignorance of my youth and how I squandered those relationships in my haste to be recognized as knowing something.

Or of course its also because my caretakers have left or are leaving. 
Where do I go for comfort? for scolding? for entertainments?
For validation and amusement. For someone to push me just a little further in the middle of the night because even though I am stressed, I am passionate.  Or forgiving, soothing enough to say, "hey, youre gonna be fine, give yourself the break you deserve." 

I play around with this concept at work, a game, I know I have written about it before... but that my age is somehow not a stable concept... I am at all times a million years old and at all times barely seconds.  This is how I feel in so many places in my life right now.  Old enough that others look to me for support, young enough that I don't know how to get what I want. Old enough that I am cynical and jaded, young enough that I am ambitious and ignorant. Old enough that I have experiences to share, a wealth of knowledge, young enough that I am learning the right questions for the first time. etc

You know.
I am at times so sure... like rants on facebook... and also so aware of the complexities. 
I feel so unprofessional.  Yet the professors at the universities smile a little extra at my sharing. 

I need to pray more.  These types of thinking and feeling I have had lately make me so disengaged from my own spirituality.