The coffee shop is relatively full.
The work is never finished.
There is a picture of a white/gray raccoon on the wall. The painter is doing these animal portraits that on some level are kind of abstract and at some level are really clear. So its like a gold background with a white and gray crane impressed upon it. Or a blue and black background with a blue and black crow brush stroked to formation, just a hint of an outline makes the picture clear and beautiful.
I haven't been doing much art, that was one of the goals, or activities to take up. This week I have a class on henna design and practice, but that isn't necessarily the type of art I want to do. The trouble is I haven't felt very creative.
I have been really stressed with work since I started, so like 6 weeks now. The first few weeks it was lots of staffing issues, then it was student and activity issues, then staffing again. No breaks, no rest, and sometimes it feels like no progress. There are a handful of students that need to be exit-ed from the program because they just aren't contributing the "right" way. Unfortunately for some of them, I don't know that they would do better elsewhere. The maturity level is just so low, the distraction and need to move around just too high. The academic skills are low, but many of my students right now have incredibly low academic skill levels, way below what they should be... I could work with that if they would pay attention. But I can't repeat directions four times and then be rudely interrupted and asked for those directions repeated because they weren't paying attention the first 4 times. That becomes too much, too much perpetual delay, distraction, disrespect. These students are actually adults, who don't listen. Adults who will probably lose jobs, lose their freedom because they don't recognize boundaries. Its sad, its frustrating. The other students feel the frustration too, and it develops into a sort of us vs them mentality... but in both cases people aren't building community to work through it. Everyone is so individualistic. I don't know, maybe I am just a very cynical animal right now. I generally see very few signs that the world is getting "better". That being said, I also don't care very much that it is getting worse, I feel like we deserve what we are getting because people are being stupid. We need to wake up, get off the couch, stop taking things for granted and start working towards solving problems, not just blaming them on others... and in that, I too am stuck.
I think in an individual way, I feel sort of stuck. I am trying to make progress on writing more, reading more, practicing and learning spanish more. I am hoping to use up my art supplies by the end of the school year and haven't even got them out yet. I am hoping to watch some tv shows other people keep talking about. I am hoping to make new friends or find a girl friend... but am making no progress with that. I have been hanging out with some people a little, a few of my "see them now and then" friends, trying to push through the weirdness and establish trust and intimacy... but I don't long to see them. So that is hard.
The friends I do long to see, aren't available, or soon wont be. Some are working really really hard, some have families, some live elsewhere. I hung out with Jess V last night and had a wonderful time, but it didn't feel like I could just show up at her house and hang out, not yet, maybe not ever. She has a family. She has other more important obligations.
She did take me to Cirque du Soleil,which is like the best gift ever. I genuinely think in many ways that actually was one of the best gifts I have ever gotten... and she didn't even know how much I would like it... didn't know I had been a fan since I was 12. She just didn't want to take her daughter because she was worried she would want to leave early. So I lucked out there.
Lacey has started the inevitable search for a love. I kind of figured that would happen, we joked about it before she left and maybe she has found someone. Hopefully someone good, but I can't really protect her from here.
We are all actually the kind of people who desire closeness, we will accept no less.
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