yuck

I had many dreams last night, some of them melted together.
In one I was helping some famous band take pictures. They were posing about 100 yards away, with many obstacles in the way, but these were to help frame the shot... and somehow I was supposed to use this really big camera, focus it perfectly, reflect the shot off a few mirrors and windows and end up with the band looking ultra cool.  I kept screwing up, and asking for more time. Each series of pictures was time consuming, and probably really wasteful. We were losing the day light, and tension was rising. I was so obsessed with trying to be a part of the project, that I was ignoring the person to my left. Turns out, it was my mother. After trying to get my attention for quite awhile, she just started talking. She said "I can't feel my neck anymore."  Which somewhere in my subconscious I knew meant she was close to dying. Cancer had spread to the point, that her body wasn't able to sense itself anymore. She continued talking, about the different symptoms, and I continued to ignore her, my frustration deepening, this time totally immersed in what she was saying but trying with all my will power to pretend as if none of it were true. The project seemed like such a waste of time, almost everything did. I started begging her to stop, I was crying, but pretending I wasn't. Anything to have her take those words back, and she said something like "I can't stop it" and I said she had to. This wasn't right, there wasn't enough time, this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. She laughed at my desire to control the situation, even though she too was feeling it... she was trying to stay strong and accept the reality, that very soon she would not be around. She was scared, and hurt, and needed her son to comfort her. But he was too self absorbed, too locked into his own denial, his own pain.


 I woke up with a list of things to do today. It included avoiding my family so that I could do other things.

It feels odd to know that I am making my dreams come true. I wonder if I will be able to turn all of this around. I'm focusing on me, because I feel like anything else would be the death of me. But perhaps I am wrong in all of this. Maybe I shouldn't leave. 

Laundry, Spanish, Civics lesson, Lunch with Lacey, email work, board game at home.