An hour or two ago I was writing myself notes and asked myself if this were a new beginning or just a place in the cycle I have already been to, but don't recognize. In either case, I wrote that I would be satisfied to name it, to know it, to be able to recognize something as true is just so helpful...
On the way home I was thinking about my issue with irritability lately, I was cross referencing with the things I desire lately, I was thinking about the things I have lost lately, I was thinking about the things that are absent. CLICK
perhaps, a click, perhaps the wheels all locked into place and I recognized what has happened. Perhaps a few months ago I was setting myself up for a future in which I walked away, and in the process I was walking away from all of my friendships, gradually toning them down. I wasn't necessarily not answering phone calls or texts, but I was not necessarily engaged either. I remember thinking in conversations "What am I doing here? I am not even contributing anything." and it was so... the other day I was caught by a girl asking questions of her friends, whether she just wanted to talk and was polite I couldn't tell, but she kept asking them questions... and this seemed nice. I have been tearing down the relationships that offered me comfort, ready to start something new, and then it stalled. I stalled... I fell back into the pattern out of my sense of duty. I wasn't necessarily excited by it, but I enjoyed the moment well enough that it didn't feel like too much of a loss, but as the time has passed, letters not sent back, questions not answered, relationships not engaged with...
I am feeling more and more alone, I am feeling more and more irritable. I withdrew and now wonder why I am so pitiful.
Sometimes the tiniest things seem like effort, its not that I can't do them, can't get out of bed or whatever... its that I find them annoying... because I haven't got all my needs met, inside my mind says "why meet the needs of others?" or whatever.
Why branch out if it won't complete the puzzle, why give of the precious little, when it won't be repaid... because I haven't been asking for repayment. I haven't been asking for my needs to be met. I haven't asked, engaged, sought out something reciprocal... and thus I am irritable.
playing the role, and not getting the fulfillment of the part.
It makes sense why I want to "love," I just want someone who wants to know me, who will listen, who will indulge me.
This is a cycle, this is somewhere I have been... but now what to do about it?
I don't very well know how to make friends or lovers, as I wrote earlier today... every one was already negotiated before I asked.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
beautiful song slowed down
I love this song already, but someone slowed it by 35 % which makes it almost more hauntingly beautiful
I could write a poem to this. Like I did with falling...
I could write a poem to this. Like I did with falling...
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Someone named mike woke up on the wrong side of the bed
Its not that I actually am angry today I am just easily irritated. Like does anyone know how to drive today?
I overheard a couple on a first date and was really glad it wasn't me. Not that it was SO bad, but I was just annoyed.
I overheard some other people talking and I thought, wow it would be really nice to have curious friends.
Then I thought about how I evade people like that, or sideswipe their questions.
I wrote down a whole series of thoughts on that topic that I have been thinking about. I will probably type them out later for posterity or whatever...
but one thing I didn't write down was the brief interaction I had at the bookstore last night. Not that it really matters, but I thought it was funny.
I was buying this book by the Dalai Lama and the girl at the counter said "Oh I just finished this." I asked if it was any good she said yes but it got a little repetitive. Then I said yeah I find some of his stuff to be like that, but maybe its a Buddhist thing, like you get used to repeating mantras, to which she responded, well it does help you keep it in mind.
Then as I was walking out, I thought about how we all have the tendency to do that, to write down the same thing over and over and over... I am sure this thought is typed somewhere on this blog.
At the coffee shop today the curious people were talking about "exactly how much attention can be expected by a significant other" the girl was relating that she wished her boyfriend would show her more attention, especially emotionally. The boys, said that they thought it was important to check in, but between all the social media things, it didn't always make sense to have a conversation, because you probably already have a good idea of how the person is doing... and then they talked about how different relationships are these days compared to just 10-20 years ago (for their parents). This while I was reading the Dalai Lama's take on technology and science and his emphasis on the intention behind creating new technology or pursuing science... that it must be geared for compassion not just growth or interest... and this lead me back to my writing... are conveniences allowing me to separate myself from others, creating shallower and shallower relationships etc?
I don't think most people would describe me that way, but aren't I becoming it?
I overheard a couple on a first date and was really glad it wasn't me. Not that it was SO bad, but I was just annoyed.
I overheard some other people talking and I thought, wow it would be really nice to have curious friends.
Then I thought about how I evade people like that, or sideswipe their questions.
I wrote down a whole series of thoughts on that topic that I have been thinking about. I will probably type them out later for posterity or whatever...
but one thing I didn't write down was the brief interaction I had at the bookstore last night. Not that it really matters, but I thought it was funny.
I was buying this book by the Dalai Lama and the girl at the counter said "Oh I just finished this." I asked if it was any good she said yes but it got a little repetitive. Then I said yeah I find some of his stuff to be like that, but maybe its a Buddhist thing, like you get used to repeating mantras, to which she responded, well it does help you keep it in mind.
Then as I was walking out, I thought about how we all have the tendency to do that, to write down the same thing over and over and over... I am sure this thought is typed somewhere on this blog.
At the coffee shop today the curious people were talking about "exactly how much attention can be expected by a significant other" the girl was relating that she wished her boyfriend would show her more attention, especially emotionally. The boys, said that they thought it was important to check in, but between all the social media things, it didn't always make sense to have a conversation, because you probably already have a good idea of how the person is doing... and then they talked about how different relationships are these days compared to just 10-20 years ago (for their parents). This while I was reading the Dalai Lama's take on technology and science and his emphasis on the intention behind creating new technology or pursuing science... that it must be geared for compassion not just growth or interest... and this lead me back to my writing... are conveniences allowing me to separate myself from others, creating shallower and shallower relationships etc?
I don't think most people would describe me that way, but aren't I becoming it?
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Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Friday, February 08, 2013
What is it you are looking for right now?
Like really, tonight you have options, wealthy
possibilities, up till 3- singing karaoke with a handful of homies, see a play
or an improv show, hang in your room playing computer games, check out a film
and have your mind blown, have a good cup of joe with a friend and play a game,
eat some menchies or go to your brothers to make jokes and play drums, all of
these things hold an element of fun. You could write for the next hour or two,
you could read a chapter of a book and swim in fantasy through a painting, or a
drawing, or a museum or a date. Each one promising an experience to relate, and what will you
do? Secretly desiring to spend the night alone, hoping no one calls and no one
is home. Spend the evening in self-isolation,
thinking about your loneliness, shame and separation. What reward is this
firing of neurons in your brain, that likes pain, deprivation, refrains from
enjoying conversation? Seems insane, disordered and discordant, spending all
this energy to maintain a lack of enjoyment.
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
The difference of a day or two
January seemed so good, now I feel like I am fighting every day to try to keep a bit of that. My mood shifted, maybe with the weather, but suddenly I am crabby and feel a strong desire to isolate. Its not even hibernation, with the exception of tonight I haven't been napping or anything. I even stayed up too late this weekend one night. But its weird, a week or so ago I felt like I had everything under control, felt really on top of my game, felt like I could handle what came... now I am stressed and irritated. I messed up something at work, situations get out of hand, relationships seem hard. I don't want to see anyone and yet I feel incredibly lonely. The loneliness is hard because I have roommates who are right outside my door, and I could easily join their conversations or ask them to play a game or something... I should be doing more around the house. It makes me feel bad. I owe them money for small bills, I haven't paid in awhile but only cuz I haven't had cash. But I don't really want to run errands, answer emails, run testing, grade papers, lesson plan. I am doing these things. I am doing them well (to some extent), but I don't want to... I want to be in love, or I want to be lost in a fantasy world, and neither of those options seem like a good "reality" right now.
Tim introduced me to this Alt J, I kind of like it, sometimes I am a little annoyed but over all I like it.
One of my students introduced me to this Andrew Jackson Jihad, which I also enjoy.
I want to write and read and draw and play computer games and listen to music and fuck off.
Tim introduced me to this Alt J, I kind of like it, sometimes I am a little annoyed but over all I like it.
One of my students introduced me to this Andrew Jackson Jihad, which I also enjoy.
I want to write and read and draw and play computer games and listen to music and fuck off.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
thoughted
Today we did this exercise in class called "feelings pie." You take a circle, divide it into the major divisions of your life (family, friends, alone, work, school etc) based on how much of your free time you spend with each. Then you color in the sections based on how much of your time with that group you are happy, angry, sad, anxious etc.
I realized during the exercise that my answers right now are completely different from what they would have been a few months ago. A few months ago I would have been angry sad and anxious far more than I am now, its not that the feelings are gone. But they are not so overwhelming. I colored my pie with a lot of orange which was the color to represent happiness. I think even in my anxiety, sadness and anger I am happy right now. Maybe not this minute, but in general.
Last night I realized I hadn't done one of my OCD behaviors in a while when in a moment of indecision I counted the tiny lights on a digital clock. This tiny gesture used to be the way I made all my decisions. I would wait, sometimes hours for the right number of tiny lights. It came so readily in the past that I was almost shocked last night when I realized I hadn't been doing it very much lately. I think if I am honest I have probably done it 2-3 times this week... but in the past I would do it several times a day on a good day. On a bad day it was like... I couldn't do anything.
I guess I am noticing things like that on a lot of levels... like my anxiety has just lessened.
Tonight so far doesn't seem to be a good example, I am tired, a little crabby. I wanted to go to this meeting and also didn't want to go. I think I was hoping there would be something exciting if I went, like a new friend or a new lover, possibilities... but I am not actually in the mood to put mental energy into solving problems that are not my own.
Anyway the point of this is that I think I have been doing well, maybe a little sleepy... but good, happy, thankful.
I realized during the exercise that my answers right now are completely different from what they would have been a few months ago. A few months ago I would have been angry sad and anxious far more than I am now, its not that the feelings are gone. But they are not so overwhelming. I colored my pie with a lot of orange which was the color to represent happiness. I think even in my anxiety, sadness and anger I am happy right now. Maybe not this minute, but in general.
Last night I realized I hadn't done one of my OCD behaviors in a while when in a moment of indecision I counted the tiny lights on a digital clock. This tiny gesture used to be the way I made all my decisions. I would wait, sometimes hours for the right number of tiny lights. It came so readily in the past that I was almost shocked last night when I realized I hadn't been doing it very much lately. I think if I am honest I have probably done it 2-3 times this week... but in the past I would do it several times a day on a good day. On a bad day it was like... I couldn't do anything.
I guess I am noticing things like that on a lot of levels... like my anxiety has just lessened.
Tonight so far doesn't seem to be a good example, I am tired, a little crabby. I wanted to go to this meeting and also didn't want to go. I think I was hoping there would be something exciting if I went, like a new friend or a new lover, possibilities... but I am not actually in the mood to put mental energy into solving problems that are not my own.
Anyway the point of this is that I think I have been doing well, maybe a little sleepy... but good, happy, thankful.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
A dream of love and jealousy
I remember feeling devoted, ecstatic, in love. I was holding you, sort of spooning, except I could feel both my hands on the skin of your torso, and it felt like heaven. We were breathing heavily, what had just commenced was not uncommon, but you said no one had ever made you feel like that before, and you wondered what you could do in return, and I just wanted to hold you, to keep you, to be warm with you (there was nothing but you, a thousand colors of your skin, your taste, your smell). I wanted the moment to last forever. I had given up a thousand waves of passion and gratefully you accepted. I was so happy. I felt like in just holding you, I could push all my loving energy into you, and if I did it, the energy would return, this was the cycle, the relationship I had in mind, that I kept so close to my heart, the hope I allowed to breathe in this moment, but it was just a moment.
You got up and started putting on your clothes (the room was blue and black), and though the cold air that suddenly was the only thing I was holding wasn't the cause, I felt on edge. Where had my security gone? - whispers in the back of my head. You were talking about what was next, the plan you had for the evening, and as it continued, I suddenly realized I wasn't part of it. You were late already for the next thing, the next thing you were eager to leave me for, What had we? my mind raced and closed off, I was rapidly becoming bitter. I couldn't understand.
You walked me up the narrow stairs to the blinding lights and cold edges. At the doorway we stumbled into hosts welcoming house guests, they were merry and delighted. They had food and gifts and the hospitality of a innocent holiday family. I tried so hard to hide my disdain, I wanted them to know the travesty that had just occurred and join me in my contempt for your dismissal of me.
The next scene was something different, you were different and this was even more public, orange signs and the counter to some corner store, chalk full of bullshit to buy. You were playing coy and innocent, I was hard of heart and cruel. The store clerk made some jest at you, and I wanted to show my power, so I reached down to caress your clit, and knew physically you wouldn't stop me. A mix of embarrassment, pleasure and hatred crossed your face and I reveled in it for a second.
Then I awoke and hated myself as much as you and felt like crying because I want more.
You got up and started putting on your clothes (the room was blue and black), and though the cold air that suddenly was the only thing I was holding wasn't the cause, I felt on edge. Where had my security gone? - whispers in the back of my head. You were talking about what was next, the plan you had for the evening, and as it continued, I suddenly realized I wasn't part of it. You were late already for the next thing, the next thing you were eager to leave me for, What had we? my mind raced and closed off, I was rapidly becoming bitter. I couldn't understand.
You walked me up the narrow stairs to the blinding lights and cold edges. At the doorway we stumbled into hosts welcoming house guests, they were merry and delighted. They had food and gifts and the hospitality of a innocent holiday family. I tried so hard to hide my disdain, I wanted them to know the travesty that had just occurred and join me in my contempt for your dismissal of me.
The next scene was something different, you were different and this was even more public, orange signs and the counter to some corner store, chalk full of bullshit to buy. You were playing coy and innocent, I was hard of heart and cruel. The store clerk made some jest at you, and I wanted to show my power, so I reached down to caress your clit, and knew physically you wouldn't stop me. A mix of embarrassment, pleasure and hatred crossed your face and I reveled in it for a second.
Then I awoke and hated myself as much as you and felt like crying because I want more.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
a notebook find.
During a moment I wasn't looking, someone scrawled the following in my school notebook, in sloppy penmanship (probably meant to be mine):
"Dear Diary
Stephen winked at me from across the room today. Could I blush any harder!!! hearts and kisses, Mike."
I assume they meant Stephen my 65 year old chinese coworker. This is hilarious to me.
"Dear Diary
Stephen winked at me from across the room today. Could I blush any harder!!! hearts and kisses, Mike."
I assume they meant Stephen my 65 year old chinese coworker. This is hilarious to me.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
29
I fell asleep at 7:00ish, so now I can't sleep.
I just went through some old notes I found at my mom's house in the closet. Drawings I did as a teenager, notes and letters from Nova while she was traveling, confirmation congrats cards, journals that talk about holidays, stories I wrote in high school in the middle of the night, notes from Steve and James, homework from women's studies classes and letters Becky wrote me in the middle of the night early in our relationship when she didn't feel comfortable talking to me about things, and of course the letters I wrote in case I died to my best friends and some of my family(a project I never finished).
Today I turn 29.
I sat in bed thinking of accomplishments, of friends lost and loved, of hopes for the future.
I am not sure if 29 is a significant birthday year. My Mom pointed out that we all turn an odd number this year... 31, 27, 57... the other day I realized I was exactly 10 years older than my youngest step brother, which had never occurred to me before.
I took a ride with Lacey yesterday, as she was showing me her childhood home, I started to reflect on my childhood. Something she seemed more reluctant to do. As I started talking about it, the pain of my past seemed like it was woven together into a ball, a mass that was both natural and demonic. Rapidly my story fell from my lips and I spit out truths, simple, plain truths, but it didn't seem preplanned... it was like a familiar mantra, but rich with emotion, each word a feeling, not just a repetition. I was tearing up and my voice became shaky. I wasn't in anyway prepared for this, and yet it felt really right... like it was time to say these things... but at the end, I still wasn't satisfied. I didn't feel exercised.
Today in class we did a reading on forgiveness and it is a pretty profound reading... I think I need to think about this some more.
I just went through some old notes I found at my mom's house in the closet. Drawings I did as a teenager, notes and letters from Nova while she was traveling, confirmation congrats cards, journals that talk about holidays, stories I wrote in high school in the middle of the night, notes from Steve and James, homework from women's studies classes and letters Becky wrote me in the middle of the night early in our relationship when she didn't feel comfortable talking to me about things, and of course the letters I wrote in case I died to my best friends and some of my family(a project I never finished).
Today I turn 29.
I sat in bed thinking of accomplishments, of friends lost and loved, of hopes for the future.
I am not sure if 29 is a significant birthday year. My Mom pointed out that we all turn an odd number this year... 31, 27, 57... the other day I realized I was exactly 10 years older than my youngest step brother, which had never occurred to me before.
I took a ride with Lacey yesterday, as she was showing me her childhood home, I started to reflect on my childhood. Something she seemed more reluctant to do. As I started talking about it, the pain of my past seemed like it was woven together into a ball, a mass that was both natural and demonic. Rapidly my story fell from my lips and I spit out truths, simple, plain truths, but it didn't seem preplanned... it was like a familiar mantra, but rich with emotion, each word a feeling, not just a repetition. I was tearing up and my voice became shaky. I wasn't in anyway prepared for this, and yet it felt really right... like it was time to say these things... but at the end, I still wasn't satisfied. I didn't feel exercised.
Today in class we did a reading on forgiveness and it is a pretty profound reading... I think I need to think about this some more.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Hara Hara Mahadev
Talked to Steve tonight over some sweet ass lone spur moppo wings. We discussed our mutual plans for bettering our lives. For seeing from different perspectives, taking risks and investing in our lives. He also started preparing to write out his adventure story from this summer when he rode from New York to DC on a bike. He says there is a PG and an R rated version, but I was encouraging him to express all the aspects, the different viewpoints and let it built up to something complex and rich.
Apparently all hell broke out when I left for a meeting at the end of the day today. Students carrying resentment and eager for drama, even got a parent involved I guess. Its all too ridiculous. None of my classes this week have gotten anywhere near where I was hoping to get to. In fact, three of my classes haven't even started with anything academic, we made personal posters and played a few icebreaker games.
We are only two days into the trimester and we got drama. I have such high hopes for these kiddos, and then they let me down. I was at this meeting and they were talking about how their students are applying and going to colleges and I thought to myself "What world are these people living in?" I really got into the Morris thing, but I can't imagine going to college right now with record tuition rates and low low employment in the various fields. This girl I started talking to online (read below), said she thought it was ridiculous that kids at her school would pay shit tons of money to get theater degrees, even though she took theater for 12 years.
I am supposed to be having a sort of get to know you skype session with a lady from okcupid right now. Maybe she got busy, but she doesn't seem to be online... stood up on a nerd date... funny.
This is part of my taking more risks thing. I got really nervous the first time, which was a few nights ago. This time, a little less worried.
How to see beauty in all? I think I need to start eating lunch.
Tomorrow night I may or may not go to an improv show based on homework and parent teacher conferences. Saturday I am supposed to hang with Russ and Emily D. Sunday SoT and working?
Tuesday I turn 29!! can you believe that silly shit?
Apparently all hell broke out when I left for a meeting at the end of the day today. Students carrying resentment and eager for drama, even got a parent involved I guess. Its all too ridiculous. None of my classes this week have gotten anywhere near where I was hoping to get to. In fact, three of my classes haven't even started with anything academic, we made personal posters and played a few icebreaker games.
We are only two days into the trimester and we got drama. I have such high hopes for these kiddos, and then they let me down. I was at this meeting and they were talking about how their students are applying and going to colleges and I thought to myself "What world are these people living in?" I really got into the Morris thing, but I can't imagine going to college right now with record tuition rates and low low employment in the various fields. This girl I started talking to online (read below), said she thought it was ridiculous that kids at her school would pay shit tons of money to get theater degrees, even though she took theater for 12 years.
I am supposed to be having a sort of get to know you skype session with a lady from okcupid right now. Maybe she got busy, but she doesn't seem to be online... stood up on a nerd date... funny.
This is part of my taking more risks thing. I got really nervous the first time, which was a few nights ago. This time, a little less worried.
How to see beauty in all? I think I need to start eating lunch.
Tomorrow night I may or may not go to an improv show based on homework and parent teacher conferences. Saturday I am supposed to hang with Russ and Emily D. Sunday SoT and working?
Tuesday I turn 29!! can you believe that silly shit?
Thursday, January 03, 2013
January 2013
Tomorrow is my last day of "break" though of course I have the weekend. I made an appointment finally with the investment guy for my 403B retirement plan thing. I have been meaning to do that for like a year and a half. My company matches money now... I think I am going to say "invest this in the high risk/high reward" shit, because I already have some more conservative investments. Its all unethical so might as well gamble with this tiny amount. A few bucks from each paycheck.
I am also either having fro yo or lunch with Lacey tomorrow. Then I am not sure, I have some things to do at work if I want to do them. I also could spend the day painting chairs (for work) or painting my neighbors house (she was evicted), my housemates have taken on the work to get a discount on rent. Or I could spent my last day reading and drawing as I had planned for this week. The reading is going well, finished a book today, finished a different one yesterday. I haven't been doing any writing. Hard to know what I think lately, all up and down, very disorganized, very emotional.
Russ asked me to come to his b day party tomorrow night... another option.
Saturday, Sunday and Monday will be pretty busy. Then I think I have to figure out if I am taking a class at MCTC and quick! Spirit of Truth is having a meeting on Monday night.
I should also figure out whether I am going to try dating again... or rather for the first time. I told myself I would take more chances this year... more courageous leaps without looking. That seems like one.
I have been having doubts about whether I will actually leave this year... maybe next? I think I would have to figure it out for sure by March... and by March there will be no more information than now as to the future of my school. Do I take a leap and hope the job is there when I am done? Do I leave my coworkers hanging? Just doesn't seem like me. Not when ideally the reason I take these kinds of trips is to teach and explore. to be able to share after...
My dad and I are texting about age. He asked if I feel 29 (30ish?) its weird, it just donned on me a few days ago that if I wait a year to take the trip, I will be 30. 30 is old. James is married and has a house at 30. Where is my ________that__________? Am I married to travel? My Dad says he sometimes feels like he is 30, sometimes like he is 60. I don't write about my parents very often. They play a pretty solid role in my life, I think I take them for granted.
I went out of town last week to Duluth and it was great. Then when we got back we had a party and it was ok. Then we had house guests for a couple days and boy was I crabby. I think it was too much time around people mixed with jealousy, mixed with typical holiday frustration and resentment. I always feel like everyone else is happy on holidays and that I am expected to be, and that I can't possibly be. There is too much reflection and mixed emotions involved...
I was surprised in that I was particularly jealous of the relationship that formed between one of my roommates and one of our house guests. They just hit it off and enjoyed each other's company in a variety of ways.
I got to this particular point of annoyance and then this girl I have been messaging back and forth with on Okcupid emailed me and suddenly I was much more smiley. I think I crave special attention. Hard to know if that will go anywhere or if it is just a reminder to be open.
I bought 7 cds yesterday. Twin Cities Funk and Soul, Godspeed You! Black Emperor's 'Alleujah! Don't Bend! Ascend!, 311's Universal Pulse, Doomtree's No Kings, P.O.S's We Don't Even Live Here, John Frusciante's PBX Funicular Intaglio Zone, and the Mars Volta's Noctourniquet
Some of it is great, some of it I am less impressed with. I had been listening to a lot of POS's earlier stuff and forgot that he has headed in more of a pop direction. I like his lyrics still, but the sound is less interesting to me. I like some of the Doomtree tracks, Godspeed is great, twin cities funk and soul has some good stuff, john frusciante is always a little weird and I haven't had a chance to listen to noctourniquet yet but I am sure it will be weird.
I didn't go to the store for any of these, but they had these cds and not the one I went there for... so.
The last few days I have been reading this book The Dispossessed which Jared gave me for xmas. I really liked it on the whole, I really liked the political aspects and social commentary, I really liked the spiritual aspects and the writing style. But one thing I wasn't expecting was the relationship in the book to draw me out. There were moments reading about the main characters relationship with his partner that made me feel really deeply touched... similar to how I feel in my dreams sometimes. The author did a good job of pairing away all the jumble and for a few paragraphs touching on something deeply heartfelt.
Anyway, I also just like sci fi... makes me feel like the world has possibilities. I don't remember what I wrote last on here... but I think for the most part I have spent my days looking at old photos, reading, surfing the web and listening to music.
Not much to report. Hopefully getting back to work will be ok...
I am also either having fro yo or lunch with Lacey tomorrow. Then I am not sure, I have some things to do at work if I want to do them. I also could spend the day painting chairs (for work) or painting my neighbors house (she was evicted), my housemates have taken on the work to get a discount on rent. Or I could spent my last day reading and drawing as I had planned for this week. The reading is going well, finished a book today, finished a different one yesterday. I haven't been doing any writing. Hard to know what I think lately, all up and down, very disorganized, very emotional.
Russ asked me to come to his b day party tomorrow night... another option.
Saturday, Sunday and Monday will be pretty busy. Then I think I have to figure out if I am taking a class at MCTC and quick! Spirit of Truth is having a meeting on Monday night.
I should also figure out whether I am going to try dating again... or rather for the first time. I told myself I would take more chances this year... more courageous leaps without looking. That seems like one.
I have been having doubts about whether I will actually leave this year... maybe next? I think I would have to figure it out for sure by March... and by March there will be no more information than now as to the future of my school. Do I take a leap and hope the job is there when I am done? Do I leave my coworkers hanging? Just doesn't seem like me. Not when ideally the reason I take these kinds of trips is to teach and explore. to be able to share after...
My dad and I are texting about age. He asked if I feel 29 (30ish?) its weird, it just donned on me a few days ago that if I wait a year to take the trip, I will be 30. 30 is old. James is married and has a house at 30. Where is my ________that__________? Am I married to travel? My Dad says he sometimes feels like he is 30, sometimes like he is 60. I don't write about my parents very often. They play a pretty solid role in my life, I think I take them for granted.
I went out of town last week to Duluth and it was great. Then when we got back we had a party and it was ok. Then we had house guests for a couple days and boy was I crabby. I think it was too much time around people mixed with jealousy, mixed with typical holiday frustration and resentment. I always feel like everyone else is happy on holidays and that I am expected to be, and that I can't possibly be. There is too much reflection and mixed emotions involved...
I was surprised in that I was particularly jealous of the relationship that formed between one of my roommates and one of our house guests. They just hit it off and enjoyed each other's company in a variety of ways.
I got to this particular point of annoyance and then this girl I have been messaging back and forth with on Okcupid emailed me and suddenly I was much more smiley. I think I crave special attention. Hard to know if that will go anywhere or if it is just a reminder to be open.
I bought 7 cds yesterday. Twin Cities Funk and Soul, Godspeed You! Black Emperor's 'Alleujah! Don't Bend! Ascend!, 311's Universal Pulse, Doomtree's No Kings, P.O.S's We Don't Even Live Here, John Frusciante's PBX Funicular Intaglio Zone, and the Mars Volta's Noctourniquet
Some of it is great, some of it I am less impressed with. I had been listening to a lot of POS's earlier stuff and forgot that he has headed in more of a pop direction. I like his lyrics still, but the sound is less interesting to me. I like some of the Doomtree tracks, Godspeed is great, twin cities funk and soul has some good stuff, john frusciante is always a little weird and I haven't had a chance to listen to noctourniquet yet but I am sure it will be weird.
I didn't go to the store for any of these, but they had these cds and not the one I went there for... so.
The last few days I have been reading this book The Dispossessed which Jared gave me for xmas. I really liked it on the whole, I really liked the political aspects and social commentary, I really liked the spiritual aspects and the writing style. But one thing I wasn't expecting was the relationship in the book to draw me out. There were moments reading about the main characters relationship with his partner that made me feel really deeply touched... similar to how I feel in my dreams sometimes. The author did a good job of pairing away all the jumble and for a few paragraphs touching on something deeply heartfelt.
Anyway, I also just like sci fi... makes me feel like the world has possibilities. I don't remember what I wrote last on here... but I think for the most part I have spent my days looking at old photos, reading, surfing the web and listening to music.
Not much to report. Hopefully getting back to work will be ok...
Monday, December 24, 2012
everything and nothing
Changes
Its been over a month I think, what is new?
I used to write on Christmas eve, that was back when I had grandparents to visit. I haven't been writing much lately (as you may have noticed). I have been drawing a little, painting a little. Reading A LOT! I have 2 books on Sufism, and a poetry book of collective works of Rumi, I have another poetry book I started but haven't finished and I am also in the middle of two books on South America (one a guide book, the other a history). I just picked up some good looking graphic novels and a book on Judaism. I just read Jared's copy of Anthem by Ayn Rand, which I enjoyed though I don't know that I believe in her philosophy, certainly given the circumstance in the book an anthem to ego makes sense, but this is a far more complicated world than the one she was writing about. I wanted to read it because this girl on OKCupid had it listed as a favorite, and I am trying to figure out whether she is someone to invest some energy into. Its funny how once you start seeing one possibility more sprout up. I spend years at a time seeing nothing, and then see life everywhere.
I am trying to simplify my life right now so I can complicate it later. Maybe with a south america trip, maybe with a relationship, maybe with a crash a fall from grace.
I am not at all sure what any of this means, but I am fairly comfortable and happy and optimistic.
Opportunities are abundant, maybe I will take a Spanish class at MCTC or something.
I have no idea how invested I am in SoT right now, doesn't feel like much.
School is different, I think I am very open and very invested but I have no idea how to get what I want to happen.
I guess more when I have something to say.
Its been over a month I think, what is new?
I used to write on Christmas eve, that was back when I had grandparents to visit. I haven't been writing much lately (as you may have noticed). I have been drawing a little, painting a little. Reading A LOT! I have 2 books on Sufism, and a poetry book of collective works of Rumi, I have another poetry book I started but haven't finished and I am also in the middle of two books on South America (one a guide book, the other a history). I just picked up some good looking graphic novels and a book on Judaism. I just read Jared's copy of Anthem by Ayn Rand, which I enjoyed though I don't know that I believe in her philosophy, certainly given the circumstance in the book an anthem to ego makes sense, but this is a far more complicated world than the one she was writing about. I wanted to read it because this girl on OKCupid had it listed as a favorite, and I am trying to figure out whether she is someone to invest some energy into. Its funny how once you start seeing one possibility more sprout up. I spend years at a time seeing nothing, and then see life everywhere.
I am trying to simplify my life right now so I can complicate it later. Maybe with a south america trip, maybe with a relationship, maybe with a crash a fall from grace.
I am not at all sure what any of this means, but I am fairly comfortable and happy and optimistic.
Opportunities are abundant, maybe I will take a Spanish class at MCTC or something.
I have no idea how invested I am in SoT right now, doesn't feel like much.
School is different, I think I am very open and very invested but I have no idea how to get what I want to happen.
I guess more when I have something to say.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Mike has lost his voice
I could feel it coming on last week, so I tried to conserve my voice all weekend, but people of course wondered if there was something wrong... then yesterday we were playing a long loud board game and I just plain used it up.
I couldn't talk at all today. I could whisper a little, but of course that is bad for your vocal chords as well...
So I am mute, gesturing and writing and its annoying.
Its also, I think a sort of blessing to be silent, to not be expected to talk, to not always be able to respond with all the things you are thinking.
Its also, somewhat aggravating, to be full of thoughts with out means to communicate. I find I am less social, less desirous of activity... but maybe I am just sick. Maybe this was my body's way of saying shut up and rest.
This last weekend was the SoT retreat. First annual maybe? We went to a beautiful retreat center near Red Wing and spent the day doing nothing. The place has labyrinths you can walk, lots of nature trails (of course it is hunting season, so you must wear bright fucking orange). Some nice meditation rooms, and pretty much nothing else. We brought games, but didn't play any. Meals and songs, campfires and lots of coffee and cider, a few inspirational moments, a few shared stories. Mostly fun except maybe the sleeping arrangements (Mike and several others snore loudly and the beds sucked). Good times, nice to have no expectations.
The sound on my computer is officially broken. I will probably have to send my computer in to have it fixed. Its gonna suck. I have no voice to call anyone at tech services anyway. Thanksgiving is going to be LONGGGGGGG if I can't even communicate. Maybe I will take a nap while others are sitting around.
A dream
I don’t really remember the beginning, I know it was short, I was standing, the room seemed to have lots of people in it. Someone about 15 feet away from me was holding a baby. The baby was sort of glowing in that “I am the center of attention in this room” sort of way. That person was holding the baby and showing it off, I stayed still. I am apprehensive around babies and small children to say the least. The baby seemed to grow older as the dream progressed but not in a way that seemed weird, when it was in the persons arms it was clearly under a year, but when they set the child down on the floor it looked like it was maybe a one year old, then it saw me, its eyes lit up and it smiled, (at this point it seemed older, maybe one and a half). but it was still crawling, and it screamed in a sort of joyous baby talk way "Mikey" and started crawling toward me. I felt like my body moved without conscious effort, I swept in and picked up the child, comforted the child like I had done it a thousand times. It melted into me in a sort of loving way, like it had found home. Consciously I know I felt awkward, like I would always feel awkward but it felt right.
I woke up, happy. Happy in a way I have never felt before.
When I thought about this dream throughout the day I longed for that moment, it almost makes me cry to think about. I don't know what that means. Somewhere in me, I knew this child was something I cherished, I don't know if it was mine or not, but I loved it and it loved me.
I didn't feel comfortable, I didn't feel like I trusted myself, but I trusted the baby. The baby saw something good in me, and the good in me wanted to respond to her with every ounce of positivity and love I could give.
I was starting to give up on the sperm donation thing. I don't know that this dream is actually about that, maybe one of yall is preggers (let me know), but instead of seeing parenting as responsibility and burden, part of me now, just wants that joy.
I couldn't talk at all today. I could whisper a little, but of course that is bad for your vocal chords as well...
So I am mute, gesturing and writing and its annoying.
Its also, I think a sort of blessing to be silent, to not be expected to talk, to not always be able to respond with all the things you are thinking.
Its also, somewhat aggravating, to be full of thoughts with out means to communicate. I find I am less social, less desirous of activity... but maybe I am just sick. Maybe this was my body's way of saying shut up and rest.
This last weekend was the SoT retreat. First annual maybe? We went to a beautiful retreat center near Red Wing and spent the day doing nothing. The place has labyrinths you can walk, lots of nature trails (of course it is hunting season, so you must wear bright fucking orange). Some nice meditation rooms, and pretty much nothing else. We brought games, but didn't play any. Meals and songs, campfires and lots of coffee and cider, a few inspirational moments, a few shared stories. Mostly fun except maybe the sleeping arrangements (Mike and several others snore loudly and the beds sucked). Good times, nice to have no expectations.
The sound on my computer is officially broken. I will probably have to send my computer in to have it fixed. Its gonna suck. I have no voice to call anyone at tech services anyway. Thanksgiving is going to be LONGGGGGGG if I can't even communicate. Maybe I will take a nap while others are sitting around.
A dream
I don’t really remember the beginning, I know it was short, I was standing, the room seemed to have lots of people in it. Someone about 15 feet away from me was holding a baby. The baby was sort of glowing in that “I am the center of attention in this room” sort of way. That person was holding the baby and showing it off, I stayed still. I am apprehensive around babies and small children to say the least. The baby seemed to grow older as the dream progressed but not in a way that seemed weird, when it was in the persons arms it was clearly under a year, but when they set the child down on the floor it looked like it was maybe a one year old, then it saw me, its eyes lit up and it smiled, (at this point it seemed older, maybe one and a half). but it was still crawling, and it screamed in a sort of joyous baby talk way "Mikey" and started crawling toward me. I felt like my body moved without conscious effort, I swept in and picked up the child, comforted the child like I had done it a thousand times. It melted into me in a sort of loving way, like it had found home. Consciously I know I felt awkward, like I would always feel awkward but it felt right.
I woke up, happy. Happy in a way I have never felt before.
When I thought about this dream throughout the day I longed for that moment, it almost makes me cry to think about. I don't know what that means. Somewhere in me, I knew this child was something I cherished, I don't know if it was mine or not, but I loved it and it loved me.
I didn't feel comfortable, I didn't feel like I trusted myself, but I trusted the baby. The baby saw something good in me, and the good in me wanted to respond to her with every ounce of positivity and love I could give.
I was starting to give up on the sperm donation thing. I don't know that this dream is actually about that, maybe one of yall is preggers (let me know), but instead of seeing parenting as responsibility and burden, part of me now, just wants that joy.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
my housemate's fav band
That's a song by 10cc, which is one of my Housemates favs, they are really talented, and that song is pretty dirty, but most of their stuff is super catchy, even when it is really weird. Music from the 70s.
I am not sure what I have to share. Obviously the election went almost as well as it could. If Michelle Bachmann had lost it would have been perfect... but I was super happy the next morning and most of the day.
I think its been hard to figure out what to do since...
I have time to take on new projects or watch tv or movies or read.
I picked up The Kid by Dan Savage today... my coworker recommended it.
I went and got a massage. It was good, helpful, but now I am a little sore. Also I think I would prefer a massage therapist who doesn't talk... but since I only get them every other year or so... seems ok.
With time to spare and no non-personal obligations I find myself more contemplative in a bad way. Or rather in, a negative way towards myself.
Monday, November 05, 2012
on the eve
Good song, good video
I had a hard time sleeping last night, and part of it was the election. I think I am excited to vote tomorrow, I think I am excited for it to be over. I think I am excited to win.
Seems strange how my mind has flipped in these last few days from being too scared to believe its possible, to just assuming the right thing will happen.
I was phone calling against voter ID tonight with an auto dialer, but the lines were so busy across the country that it was taking 15-20 minutes for a live phone call and I got fed up and left early, even though I had already had a few good calls. I just felt like I could use my time better.
I called my Dad, I intended to ask him to vote NO on both amendments and chickened out. I think I would rather not carry that resentment if he hasn't changed his mind.
Its hard to understand.
But tonight I am thinking about all the people I love. Its weird how many of them dont live in this state anymore... when I pray for people (which is something I do regularly now, for some reason), I hop around the map trying to remember everyone I know in all the different locations. I think its funny though how I sometimes forget about folks here because I am too busy skipping from state to state.
Anyway, feeling deep longing remembrances.
Maybe some day I will go back to feeling things in the moment.
I had a hard time sleeping last night, and part of it was the election. I think I am excited to vote tomorrow, I think I am excited for it to be over. I think I am excited to win.
Seems strange how my mind has flipped in these last few days from being too scared to believe its possible, to just assuming the right thing will happen.
I was phone calling against voter ID tonight with an auto dialer, but the lines were so busy across the country that it was taking 15-20 minutes for a live phone call and I got fed up and left early, even though I had already had a few good calls. I just felt like I could use my time better.
I called my Dad, I intended to ask him to vote NO on both amendments and chickened out. I think I would rather not carry that resentment if he hasn't changed his mind.
Its hard to understand.
But tonight I am thinking about all the people I love. Its weird how many of them dont live in this state anymore... when I pray for people (which is something I do regularly now, for some reason), I hop around the map trying to remember everyone I know in all the different locations. I think its funny though how I sometimes forget about folks here because I am too busy skipping from state to state.
Anyway, feeling deep longing remembrances.
Maybe some day I will go back to feeling things in the moment.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Broken Glass
I was on the floor, I think I was in and out of sleep while you talked on the phone. One person after the next, making plans for the month you would be home, almost all of your friends were women, which has never been the case. I sleepily came to, as it seemed you were preparing to leave. I asked a few questions, like "Who are you seeing?" "When do you leave again?" "Will we have some time?" and you answered them quickly, a name I didn't know, a month, of course.
You were putting on your jacket. I knew it was cold out.
We gave eachother a hug as you said goodbye and walked out the door.
I looked at the floor
odd colored broken glass fragments, I wanted to warn you to be careful. I followed you out into the drive way which looked like my Dad's in Minnetonka though it was not his house. It was snowing, dark, the streets were covered and other than the glass in my hand biting into my flesh it was calm and peaceful, cold, biting. You had already driven off with the girl I didn't know. I decided to text you to be careful, both of the glass and the conditions of the road.
I sent a text, I have no idea what it said, but as I approached the door someone else had gotten home.
They locked it in front of me. I had the key but I was annoyed that they didn't realize I was outside.
The roommate understood but his guest didn't know me, so it seemed like I was barging in and mean.
I was explaining to them about the broken glass when you sent a text back.
It wasn't meant for me,
it was inappropriate, blurry, you were wearing blue underwear, I didn't recognize the guy, but obviously not meant for me.
Then I wondered about the camera angle and realized you hadn't taken the picture.
I was angry, concerned,
I woke up.
You were putting on your jacket. I knew it was cold out.
We gave eachother a hug as you said goodbye and walked out the door.
I looked at the floor
odd colored broken glass fragments, I wanted to warn you to be careful. I followed you out into the drive way which looked like my Dad's in Minnetonka though it was not his house. It was snowing, dark, the streets were covered and other than the glass in my hand biting into my flesh it was calm and peaceful, cold, biting. You had already driven off with the girl I didn't know. I decided to text you to be careful, both of the glass and the conditions of the road.
I sent a text, I have no idea what it said, but as I approached the door someone else had gotten home.
They locked it in front of me. I had the key but I was annoyed that they didn't realize I was outside.
The roommate understood but his guest didn't know me, so it seemed like I was barging in and mean.
I was explaining to them about the broken glass when you sent a text back.
It wasn't meant for me,
it was inappropriate, blurry, you were wearing blue underwear, I didn't recognize the guy, but obviously not meant for me.
Then I wondered about the camera angle and realized you hadn't taken the picture.
I was angry, concerned,
I woke up.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
yes and no
I am feeling quite selfish right now. Its not coming out in the younger version of me way of things, its more like a desire to sit still and do nothing. A younger me would say fuck you. This version of me, just wants you to be the way you are, and let me be the same.
Its a really bad time for selfishness, there are two hateful amendments coming up, and an election that could swing the country back the wrong direction, I've got family and friends who I am not supporting and who could probably use some contact.
I've got shit to do, some work related things I have dropped the ball on, some goals I will not reach without effort.
but I just want to sit in a warm spot and listen to music or be entertained by something. Be passive, be soothed.
There isn't anything wrong with me. I am not sick, not really sad or depressed, not necessarily pessimistic. Just want to be a lizard in the sun.
Its a really bad time for selfishness, there are two hateful amendments coming up, and an election that could swing the country back the wrong direction, I've got family and friends who I am not supporting and who could probably use some contact.
I've got shit to do, some work related things I have dropped the ball on, some goals I will not reach without effort.
but I just want to sit in a warm spot and listen to music or be entertained by something. Be passive, be soothed.
There isn't anything wrong with me. I am not sick, not really sad or depressed, not necessarily pessimistic. Just want to be a lizard in the sun.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
The shoulds
I should be volunteering right now.
I should be writing blog posts about voting No, and updating facebook, and I will wish I had if we lose in this election.
I should be watching the movies I need to watch for school.
I should be looking into what classes I will take tomorrow.
I should be writing Illy back, because she was nice enough to write me.
I should not be thinking about the 2-3 things I have wanted to write about lately.
I should be updating that people text, I said I was going to rewrite.
I should be reading a book, and hanging out with a friend, and thinking about the future in a more positive way.
I should be making the time to support people in need.
I should be working on some media projects, and I should be texting some folks back about next week.
I shouldn't be thinking about Diplomacy or how I want to escape into fantasy books.
I should be thinking about how to adapt curriculum to meet my students needs.
I should be writing about my Grandma's passing.
I shouldn't be so afraid.
I should be seeking out new relationships. I should hang out with Aleks, Emily and Julene some time, since today was fun.
I should be volunteering right now. I should volunteer on Sat, Sun and Monday.
I should prepare a costume for next Thursday and Sat.
I shouldn't be thinking about sex, about being bad at it, after all I am not actually practicing.
I should be preparing a trip to South America.
I should be planning on how to make it meaningful.
I should stop.
I should be writing blog posts about voting No, and updating facebook, and I will wish I had if we lose in this election.
I should be watching the movies I need to watch for school.
I should be looking into what classes I will take tomorrow.
I should be writing Illy back, because she was nice enough to write me.
I should not be thinking about the 2-3 things I have wanted to write about lately.
I should be updating that people text, I said I was going to rewrite.
I should be reading a book, and hanging out with a friend, and thinking about the future in a more positive way.
I should be making the time to support people in need.
I should be working on some media projects, and I should be texting some folks back about next week.
I shouldn't be thinking about Diplomacy or how I want to escape into fantasy books.
I should be thinking about how to adapt curriculum to meet my students needs.
I should be writing about my Grandma's passing.
I shouldn't be so afraid.
I should be seeking out new relationships. I should hang out with Aleks, Emily and Julene some time, since today was fun.
I should be volunteering right now. I should volunteer on Sat, Sun and Monday.
I should prepare a costume for next Thursday and Sat.
I shouldn't be thinking about sex, about being bad at it, after all I am not actually practicing.
I should be preparing a trip to South America.
I should be planning on how to make it meaningful.
I should stop.
Monday, October 15, 2012
I think this is my normal reaction to grief.
Maybe, either that or I am getting sick, or super stressed and just don't know it. Maybe I am being poisoned...
anyway, I have been wanting to do more writing, but I can barely think lately.
so... soonish?
there are some folks I want to talk to and get back to... but that will have to wait.
Maybe, either that or I am getting sick, or super stressed and just don't know it. Maybe I am being poisoned...
anyway, I have been wanting to do more writing, but I can barely think lately.
so... soonish?
there are some folks I want to talk to and get back to... but that will have to wait.
Sunday, October 07, 2012
farewell
Grandma died yesterday around 3:30 AM. I had been in the room about 4.5 hours previous, and she looked like a breathing corpse. My mom was there, perhaps my little brother too.
I didn't cry till yesterday afternoon when we moved her stuff out of the room at the nursing home. Something so final about it all.
On the way home the idea that she no longer had "stuff" moved me to tears.
This is a woman, who I had defined in my head as being paired with "stuff"
I will probably write about that more at some point...
but today I feel brain dead and cold.
Is there something wrong lex?
There are may hard things going on. I don't know how to be there for everyone right now.
I think I am going to go take a nap.
I didn't cry till yesterday afternoon when we moved her stuff out of the room at the nursing home. Something so final about it all.
On the way home the idea that she no longer had "stuff" moved me to tears.
This is a woman, who I had defined in my head as being paired with "stuff"
I will probably write about that more at some point...
but today I feel brain dead and cold.
Is there something wrong lex?
There are may hard things going on. I don't know how to be there for everyone right now.
I think I am going to go take a nap.
Saturday, October 06, 2012
on death and grieving
Been reading a lot of Kahlil Gibran
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
My Grandma is dying, has been for 92 years I suppose, but mostly these last few days, weeks, months and years. Most nights this week I heard her breathing and thought how easily each breath could be the last.
But my heart cries more easily for a friend. A friend I write to regularly and never send anything... because each word casually morphs into a stab conceived from deep within my hurting.
I was looking at pictures tonight. I have no pictures of my grandma, but the photo albums on my shelves and pictures on my wall have my friend on each page. A hundred looks, smiles, laughter, insights, nights when life felt great because in our suffering we weren't alone, and nights when life felt greater because in our joy...
I shared my humanity with this friend, like no other friend, yet now each of us feels betrayed.
and I can't find in my heart the strength to start over, to forgive, or even to be vulnerable and it hurts me more, because I know I am trying to stay strong so I don't just fall over and fail...so I don't get eaten alive, don't submit to manipulation and abuse, stay aware and responsible, but to be strong is to be open,
and I am failing all the same.
and it brings up all my other failures, the pictures in the book. The lost friends, or the ones I am too hard to let in. Each picture a joy in my heart, and a stab also. and another stab because tomorrow I will remember the pain and not the joy as I struggle through how to make life just a little more sane.
I once thought I could be everything to everyone, and now wonder if I can be anything at all, or if my purpose will be to casually whittle myself away, like the flesh on my Grandma's arms, like her sunken cheeks, like her hollow eyes, and vacant breaths.
My mother brought up her brilliance tonight, an insight from my friend, that allowed her to connect with my grandma these past few months even through the dementia. An insight from a friend of mine she barely knew, and here she is on my grandma's death bed telling the nurse, of a gift, from my friend who I can't even talk to, because every time I want to make peace I end up tasting bile and grinding my teeth.
and each time I look at my grandma's open mouth, dry lips, dark and fragile hands, her boney arms leading back to such tiny breakable frame, I wonder who would hold my hand as I slip away, battered and bruised, broken and tormented, would anyone cry or would they like I, whisper wishes of quick goodbyes under their breath when no one is looking... and if it were my friend, would I ever forgive myself for this time wasted?
and the answer is of course no, but through tears I still cant taste forgiveness.
from peoples' mouths I have heard deeply meant affirmations of my character, but most days I can't tell if my optimism is based on an expanding worldview, or a diminished one.
My grandma has become blind, but this week she saw paintings, sculptures and visions. She described them and I couldn't comprehend their beauty.
She didn't know me this week, but she never really knew me.
As I approached she asked me if she had offended me, and I wondered if she meant it.
If in my fear I had given her cause to believe that she had hurt me.
and I assured her no, but I wonder if I meant it.
Sometimes I go over the records of my relationships, to find some valid substantial reason for the great surging depths of my feelings, and sometimes I find it, and it leaves me even more humbled, feeling more blessed, and sometimes more lost than ever.
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
My Grandma is dying, has been for 92 years I suppose, but mostly these last few days, weeks, months and years. Most nights this week I heard her breathing and thought how easily each breath could be the last.
But my heart cries more easily for a friend. A friend I write to regularly and never send anything... because each word casually morphs into a stab conceived from deep within my hurting.
I was looking at pictures tonight. I have no pictures of my grandma, but the photo albums on my shelves and pictures on my wall have my friend on each page. A hundred looks, smiles, laughter, insights, nights when life felt great because in our suffering we weren't alone, and nights when life felt greater because in our joy...
I shared my humanity with this friend, like no other friend, yet now each of us feels betrayed.
and I can't find in my heart the strength to start over, to forgive, or even to be vulnerable and it hurts me more, because I know I am trying to stay strong so I don't just fall over and fail...so I don't get eaten alive, don't submit to manipulation and abuse, stay aware and responsible, but to be strong is to be open,
and I am failing all the same.
and it brings up all my other failures, the pictures in the book. The lost friends, or the ones I am too hard to let in. Each picture a joy in my heart, and a stab also. and another stab because tomorrow I will remember the pain and not the joy as I struggle through how to make life just a little more sane.
I once thought I could be everything to everyone, and now wonder if I can be anything at all, or if my purpose will be to casually whittle myself away, like the flesh on my Grandma's arms, like her sunken cheeks, like her hollow eyes, and vacant breaths.
My mother brought up her brilliance tonight, an insight from my friend, that allowed her to connect with my grandma these past few months even through the dementia. An insight from a friend of mine she barely knew, and here she is on my grandma's death bed telling the nurse, of a gift, from my friend who I can't even talk to, because every time I want to make peace I end up tasting bile and grinding my teeth.
and each time I look at my grandma's open mouth, dry lips, dark and fragile hands, her boney arms leading back to such tiny breakable frame, I wonder who would hold my hand as I slip away, battered and bruised, broken and tormented, would anyone cry or would they like I, whisper wishes of quick goodbyes under their breath when no one is looking... and if it were my friend, would I ever forgive myself for this time wasted?
and the answer is of course no, but through tears I still cant taste forgiveness.
from peoples' mouths I have heard deeply meant affirmations of my character, but most days I can't tell if my optimism is based on an expanding worldview, or a diminished one.
My grandma has become blind, but this week she saw paintings, sculptures and visions. She described them and I couldn't comprehend their beauty.
She didn't know me this week, but she never really knew me.
As I approached she asked me if she had offended me, and I wondered if she meant it.
If in my fear I had given her cause to believe that she had hurt me.
and I assured her no, but I wonder if I meant it.
Sometimes I go over the records of my relationships, to find some valid substantial reason for the great surging depths of my feelings, and sometimes I find it, and it leaves me even more humbled, feeling more blessed, and sometimes more lost than ever.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
a writin
I've been at Blue Moon for about 7 hours. I spent about 5 hours trying to write a comprehensive understanding of my history and perception around race, ethnicity and racism.
After 5 hours I realized this would be a much longer process and it should be broken down in parts. I have a good start though. Like with many things, right now I feel a strong flourishing of understanding and growth. It feels good to explore with the students, with friends and acquaintances. Last year felt pretty stressful and blah... maybe this year will turn that way again...but right now I feel in the zone.
We are starting the second round of donations this weekend...
Like tomorrow and Monday.
I had a list of like 12 things I wanted to do, and I m readily checking them off the list.
I updated some websites, did some reading, went to the bank, did a training at work, did some writing and have seen a few folks. I told my dad about the possible baby thing, which had been weighing on me.
Jess had a baby, thus she had to cancel seeing a movie with me. Lacey also had to cancel. My Grandma is moving next weekend.
I sure do write and erase a lot of shit.
After 5 hours I realized this would be a much longer process and it should be broken down in parts. I have a good start though. Like with many things, right now I feel a strong flourishing of understanding and growth. It feels good to explore with the students, with friends and acquaintances. Last year felt pretty stressful and blah... maybe this year will turn that way again...but right now I feel in the zone.
We are starting the second round of donations this weekend...
Like tomorrow and Monday.
I had a list of like 12 things I wanted to do, and I m readily checking them off the list.
I updated some websites, did some reading, went to the bank, did a training at work, did some writing and have seen a few folks. I told my dad about the possible baby thing, which had been weighing on me.
Jess had a baby, thus she had to cancel seeing a movie with me. Lacey also had to cancel. My Grandma is moving next weekend.
I sure do write and erase a lot of shit.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
okcupid jerk
So, I am on okcupid again, because Jared told me I should be.
I made a genuine effort for a few days, but lately I have switched back into old habits.
As I have stated before, okcupid makes me feel super shallow... both when I think about the people I am searching through, and also when I think about myself. Like I message people, they don't respond, I feel bad about myself. People message me, I dont respond or I do, but not necessarily with interest, I feel bad.
So this woman messaged me, basically just saying "hi" and the site told me she had visited me before. I think the personality questions have pegged us at being fairly similar. She made the move, and then when I went on today she actually initiated the chat function.
So the thing about this woman is that she is a little person. I am not necessarily attracted to her physically but then there is also the fact that she is a little person. And she says Hi, and I say hi back, she flatters me, after all no one else has actually ever tried to chat with me, and beyond that she is really open and perhaps a little "forward" though I take it as a compliment. I am impressed with her courage, I am impressed with her humor and I am interested in many of the same things she is. Eventually she asks about whether we can skype, she says it was nice that I even responded and I this whole time I am thinking, I am interested in this woman's life, her experiences, but she wants to be my girlfriend and I am not interested in her in that way. Eventually I start to feel really conflicted like I am leading her on. And the whole thing seems conceited because in so many ways I think this woman has more of a handle on her life and what she wants and knows how to get it, then I can even imagine. I am almost intimidated by her level of confidence, but then this is still my ableism showing right? (like deep inside me, there is something saying she shouldn't be... right?) so... eventually she asks if she has scared me away, and I tell her I think am one of those guys that frustrates her because she has (in her words) "all the good qualities that would make a great girl friend" but I am imagining the hangups caused by my shallowness. She tells me its my loss, and everything in me thinks, how true that statement is.
Part of me wants to defend myself with other comparisons, the friends I have rejected, the parts of myself I have rejected. Its not like I am only shying away from this one person, I am shutting myself off from all sorts of possibilities... someone recently referred to it as learning to know what you actually are interested in (perhaps), neurologically they call it neural pruning, like you are cutting away the unnecessary or unused portions of your brain, but thats my loss isn't it? I'm losing either way...
I can spend my time recognizing that I don't want to spend my time on ventures that don't lead to my happiness, and yet, so much of my happiness has been brought about by the unexpected.
This issue really does take up all my time. I know what I enjoy, I enjoyed talking to this woman, thinking about her, wondering about her perspective, but I felt like I was leading her on either way.
okcupid jerk, more like a no win situation. I hope she continues to be confident and outgoing in the way I typically only fantasize about. I hope she finds the guy she can be good to, and who can be good to her.
and maybe I can find that too, but who knows.
I made a genuine effort for a few days, but lately I have switched back into old habits.
As I have stated before, okcupid makes me feel super shallow... both when I think about the people I am searching through, and also when I think about myself. Like I message people, they don't respond, I feel bad about myself. People message me, I dont respond or I do, but not necessarily with interest, I feel bad.
So this woman messaged me, basically just saying "hi" and the site told me she had visited me before. I think the personality questions have pegged us at being fairly similar. She made the move, and then when I went on today she actually initiated the chat function.
So the thing about this woman is that she is a little person. I am not necessarily attracted to her physically but then there is also the fact that she is a little person. And she says Hi, and I say hi back, she flatters me, after all no one else has actually ever tried to chat with me, and beyond that she is really open and perhaps a little "forward" though I take it as a compliment. I am impressed with her courage, I am impressed with her humor and I am interested in many of the same things she is. Eventually she asks about whether we can skype, she says it was nice that I even responded and I this whole time I am thinking, I am interested in this woman's life, her experiences, but she wants to be my girlfriend and I am not interested in her in that way. Eventually I start to feel really conflicted like I am leading her on. And the whole thing seems conceited because in so many ways I think this woman has more of a handle on her life and what she wants and knows how to get it, then I can even imagine. I am almost intimidated by her level of confidence, but then this is still my ableism showing right? (like deep inside me, there is something saying she shouldn't be... right?) so... eventually she asks if she has scared me away, and I tell her I think am one of those guys that frustrates her because she has (in her words) "all the good qualities that would make a great girl friend" but I am imagining the hangups caused by my shallowness. She tells me its my loss, and everything in me thinks, how true that statement is.
Part of me wants to defend myself with other comparisons, the friends I have rejected, the parts of myself I have rejected. Its not like I am only shying away from this one person, I am shutting myself off from all sorts of possibilities... someone recently referred to it as learning to know what you actually are interested in (perhaps), neurologically they call it neural pruning, like you are cutting away the unnecessary or unused portions of your brain, but thats my loss isn't it? I'm losing either way...
I can spend my time recognizing that I don't want to spend my time on ventures that don't lead to my happiness, and yet, so much of my happiness has been brought about by the unexpected.
This issue really does take up all my time. I know what I enjoy, I enjoyed talking to this woman, thinking about her, wondering about her perspective, but I felt like I was leading her on either way.
okcupid jerk, more like a no win situation. I hope she continues to be confident and outgoing in the way I typically only fantasize about. I hope she finds the guy she can be good to, and who can be good to her.
and maybe I can find that too, but who knows.
Friday, September 14, 2012
What drives you?
I'm a magician, yes, I create imagery and fantasy, there's no denying, but what to do with a snap shot in time, a smirk or gesture captured, some set intentionally on display like a theater backdrop projecting simultaneously the wonder of all images and yet not too disturbing a sensation, a muted beauty. This is my selection a thousand 2 dimensional mannequins to project upon, with faces similar to all human faces, I categorize based on the memories of the loved, the memories of swapping testaments to personalities, sometimes while in motion, tears, the memories of smiles and laughter, gossip and existential theories, sometimes bandaging wounds and sometimes ripping them open, I graft them to these wannabe models these blank canvas, these aliens. I graft them so precisely that its hard to see the lines where once there was unknown, blended concealer, here is an afterthought, here is a conquistador's adventure, here is a quick dismissal, here is a game-ender, here is a clown's ambition, here is a wounded warrior and somewhere here is a true beauty.
I have found myself having trouble in my admiration. When I am with certain people, I find cute moments attractive, I find innocent moments attractive, I find intelligent moments attractive, I find funny moments attractive, I find sad moments attractive and sometimes even dramatic moments attractive. In the moment I can recognize the root sensation, something like "wow that is fascinating" but my head reads that statement with whatever visual and non visual cues as attraction, as beauty almost like physical beauty regardless of the visual at the time... its sort of fascinating, but I worry it sends the wrong signal. If my response to every stimuli is "beautiful" or "pretty" or whatever, am I reducing that person to a magazine ad? a work of art? a flower arrangement? when what I mean somewhere underneath is how majestic, how cosmic, how overpowering... and if I compare the variables in flux, the shifting landscapes, starscapes, the biomes within and without, the fated and well-met, the Celestine spirit the tao between the miraculous to this, me sitting with you, enjoying, does it prop you up a pedestal higher, based solely on my desire and create an imbalance where there shouldn't be.
A few weeks ago when I was reading that book about Men and Masculinity, the author wrote about how some men, or perhaps all men, can sometimes feel attraction and desire as a painful experience. Like a physically or perhaps psychically- somatized painful experience. I wonder if other people feel that. Sometimes I do, sometimes its like a drug that I have a hard time removing myself from, like just one more please, sometimes like a thirst that I can't quench.Sometimes it aches in my heart, my joints hurt, can't breathe, sometimes my stomach caves in.
Becky asked me if the relationship we had was unfair in essence because she went on with her life while I was expected to be ready for her return (whenever she wasn't in a relationship). Aren't all my relationships like that? Isn't it somewhat natural for a mixed gender (heterosexual) friendship to have elements of it? Anyway, I wonder if my desire to be in the presence of some people is entirely based on my addiction to my attraction for them. Like it doesn't matter how brutal the relationship is, I need my fix. Especially when all these other things boil down in my brain as attraction, a joke attraction, a thoughtful comment attraction, an uncommon gesture attraction.
I think this is one of the things that I worry about, at my root. I think I worry I will hurt people, do the wrong thing, be a monster because of this weird reduction of a vast quantity of sensory experiences to just one, and one that drives me, allows me to be reckless abusive and violent, panicked and sick, submissive and abused, manipulated and strung along, like an innocent, like an animal, like a monster, like an angel.
The Iliad is the story of nations going to war over attraction and the natural (read masculine) pride that accompanies it. They were adults right?
But this is more like a teenager, the star crossed teen angst, the suicidal and chaotic.
I've spent my time in repentance, almost all of it, a monk or the voyeur, in fear of the conquistador.
Because
I have found myself having trouble in my admiration. When I am with certain people, I find cute moments attractive, I find innocent moments attractive, I find intelligent moments attractive, I find funny moments attractive, I find sad moments attractive and sometimes even dramatic moments attractive. In the moment I can recognize the root sensation, something like "wow that is fascinating" but my head reads that statement with whatever visual and non visual cues as attraction, as beauty almost like physical beauty regardless of the visual at the time... its sort of fascinating, but I worry it sends the wrong signal. If my response to every stimuli is "beautiful" or "pretty" or whatever, am I reducing that person to a magazine ad? a work of art? a flower arrangement? when what I mean somewhere underneath is how majestic, how cosmic, how overpowering... and if I compare the variables in flux, the shifting landscapes, starscapes, the biomes within and without, the fated and well-met, the Celestine spirit the tao between the miraculous to this, me sitting with you, enjoying, does it prop you up a pedestal higher, based solely on my desire and create an imbalance where there shouldn't be.
A few weeks ago when I was reading that book about Men and Masculinity, the author wrote about how some men, or perhaps all men, can sometimes feel attraction and desire as a painful experience. Like a physically or perhaps psychically- somatized painful experience. I wonder if other people feel that. Sometimes I do, sometimes its like a drug that I have a hard time removing myself from, like just one more please, sometimes like a thirst that I can't quench.Sometimes it aches in my heart, my joints hurt, can't breathe, sometimes my stomach caves in.
Becky asked me if the relationship we had was unfair in essence because she went on with her life while I was expected to be ready for her return (whenever she wasn't in a relationship). Aren't all my relationships like that? Isn't it somewhat natural for a mixed gender (heterosexual) friendship to have elements of it? Anyway, I wonder if my desire to be in the presence of some people is entirely based on my addiction to my attraction for them. Like it doesn't matter how brutal the relationship is, I need my fix. Especially when all these other things boil down in my brain as attraction, a joke attraction, a thoughtful comment attraction, an uncommon gesture attraction.
I think this is one of the things that I worry about, at my root. I think I worry I will hurt people, do the wrong thing, be a monster because of this weird reduction of a vast quantity of sensory experiences to just one, and one that drives me, allows me to be reckless abusive and violent, panicked and sick, submissive and abused, manipulated and strung along, like an innocent, like an animal, like a monster, like an angel.
The Iliad is the story of nations going to war over attraction and the natural (read masculine) pride that accompanies it. They were adults right?
But this is more like a teenager, the star crossed teen angst, the suicidal and chaotic.
I've spent my time in repentance, almost all of it, a monk or the voyeur, in fear of the conquistador.
Because
I once had a nightmare about the things inside me meshing
with the things inside someone else.
No, that isn’t right, the things inside me twisting in their
yearning like snakes, they exited from the unclenched and vulnerable areas of
my skin, and tangled their way into the comfort of another.
And when I am near you, sometimes the yearning is the same,
it’s palpable, I can see it, especially within a close distance. It’s like our
magnetic shields incorporate each other, and I am pulled near,
I would say its almost violent, the way it grabs me. Latches
on and won’t let go, like your every move becomes my essence, even if we aren’t
enmeshed, your jokes, your thoughts, your glimmering eyes and smile. I stop
being able to see anything but beautiful, even in the awful.
Its awful, I can’t seem to hold things against you, I forget
so easily the wounds and repercussions, because though I am drawn in,
Sometimes, I think you, are repelled.
and is this the natural way, I wonder to myself while looking at photos. Those of the loves I know, and those of the loves I wonder if I will one day meet.
Saturday, September 08, 2012
Wavering
So I am not a biological father yet. That was some news today. I can't say I have strong emotions one way or the other, I was sort of expecting this, at least the first time.
My afternoon plans were cancelled so I am waiting for my evening plans to come around.
Did some reading on development of racial identity and I find it sort of fascinating but want to talk to someone about it. Want to continue to explore these topics with people, but it feels so risky to do in our society. I am always amazed by people who walk through the societal norms without thinking about it, but in many ways I think that requires someone who is not afraid to make a fool of themselves... and though I do, frequently, I fear it as well. The book I am having my students read in our advisory class talks about divisions of race and ethnicity within high school. It will be interesting to see what comes up in discussions... who will talk?
But I was also thinking about how glad I am to have been reading more diverse histories of the americas... it allows me to sprinkle in positive images of different groups of people who are normally excluded or dismissed within text books.
Always a challenge to recognize and reflect on the taboo.
SoT is sort of starting up again in the next few weeks... It will be interesting to see if we can put something more sustainable together. Recognize the actual capacity and actual needs of the community.
I am really not sure what kind of energy I have right now. I feel simultaneously intrigued by new faces and desirous of people, and also totally shy and disinterested. Its bizarre.
Before she left Becky implied that I had changes a lot from who she knew in college. I think that is partially true... in some ways met my capacity, in some ways exposed to a larger more spread out crowd, in some ways more invested in specific aspects of my life like work, but also more and less confident. More confident in handling things, less confident in exploring new people.
My afternoon plans were cancelled so I am waiting for my evening plans to come around.
Did some reading on development of racial identity and I find it sort of fascinating but want to talk to someone about it. Want to continue to explore these topics with people, but it feels so risky to do in our society. I am always amazed by people who walk through the societal norms without thinking about it, but in many ways I think that requires someone who is not afraid to make a fool of themselves... and though I do, frequently, I fear it as well. The book I am having my students read in our advisory class talks about divisions of race and ethnicity within high school. It will be interesting to see what comes up in discussions... who will talk?
But I was also thinking about how glad I am to have been reading more diverse histories of the americas... it allows me to sprinkle in positive images of different groups of people who are normally excluded or dismissed within text books.
Always a challenge to recognize and reflect on the taboo.
SoT is sort of starting up again in the next few weeks... It will be interesting to see if we can put something more sustainable together. Recognize the actual capacity and actual needs of the community.
I am really not sure what kind of energy I have right now. I feel simultaneously intrigued by new faces and desirous of people, and also totally shy and disinterested. Its bizarre.
Before she left Becky implied that I had changes a lot from who she knew in college. I think that is partially true... in some ways met my capacity, in some ways exposed to a larger more spread out crowd, in some ways more invested in specific aspects of my life like work, but also more and less confident. More confident in handling things, less confident in exploring new people.
Monday, September 03, 2012
Good day sunshine
Two cups of coffee was probably too much, hard to sit still.
I am headed to a movie soon with my brothers.
I spent a few hours with Steve listening to him tell about his bike trip from NY to DC. Inspiring. Spirited. Energizing.
I spent a few hours with Becky the other night and it felt like it should feel. She is leaving for England (probably right now), but I was glad to reconnect.
I spent a few hours with Lacey this weekend too, and it was nice to feel like our friendship hasn't disintegrated, which was kind of how I felt for the last few weeks... I just felt kind of like everyone had abandoned me or was too busy, or was in pursuit of their own possibilities. This feeling was both awful and sort of liberating and that has been an odd and uneasy tension in my life lately. All these transitions push me to pursue my own goals beyond the needs and whims of my friends, simultaneously I find it really hard to pursue my goals without a good understanding of who I am (with no one to reflect it back to me). So the reconnection with these friends this weekend was reassuring, at the same time, I was able to say to them YES I am pursuing new interests, new projects, new pursuits... and they were able to be happy for me.
This tension though is troubling in that I think it is in the way of healing one of the major issues in my life. I think I am afraid I will get stale again if I pursue the relationships that have been my pillars. So how do I find comfort, and comfort, but without losing touch of the new reality?
__________________________________________________________________
I rearranged my room, hung up some art, cleaned my closet, dusted. I have been working out (in a small way). I bought groceries and started eating slightly healthier. I went back to work and found a little purpose. I started planning a trip to South America. I read some books. I met some people. I got back on okcupid. I danced a little.
I have to go see my brothers.
I am headed to a movie soon with my brothers.
I spent a few hours with Steve listening to him tell about his bike trip from NY to DC. Inspiring. Spirited. Energizing.
I spent a few hours with Becky the other night and it felt like it should feel. She is leaving for England (probably right now), but I was glad to reconnect.
I spent a few hours with Lacey this weekend too, and it was nice to feel like our friendship hasn't disintegrated, which was kind of how I felt for the last few weeks... I just felt kind of like everyone had abandoned me or was too busy, or was in pursuit of their own possibilities. This feeling was both awful and sort of liberating and that has been an odd and uneasy tension in my life lately. All these transitions push me to pursue my own goals beyond the needs and whims of my friends, simultaneously I find it really hard to pursue my goals without a good understanding of who I am (with no one to reflect it back to me). So the reconnection with these friends this weekend was reassuring, at the same time, I was able to say to them YES I am pursuing new interests, new projects, new pursuits... and they were able to be happy for me.
This tension though is troubling in that I think it is in the way of healing one of the major issues in my life. I think I am afraid I will get stale again if I pursue the relationships that have been my pillars. So how do I find comfort, and comfort, but without losing touch of the new reality?
__________________________________________________________________
I rearranged my room, hung up some art, cleaned my closet, dusted. I have been working out (in a small way). I bought groceries and started eating slightly healthier. I went back to work and found a little purpose. I started planning a trip to South America. I read some books. I met some people. I got back on okcupid. I danced a little.
I have to go see my brothers.
Saturday, September 01, 2012
Christ lives here
Christ the girl (our new roommate).
Having one of those nights where I want to be angry and calm simultaneously. I feel misrepresented and I don't know who is to blame.
That is not what I wanted to write about though. Now I can't remember what it was I wanted to write about.
I wish there were an easier way to say to a person that you were feeling they were being clingy. Not only is it an anxiety producing comment, but it possibly even worsens the situation they are already in.
Having one of those nights where I want to be angry and calm simultaneously. I feel misrepresented and I don't know who is to blame.
That is not what I wanted to write about though. Now I can't remember what it was I wanted to write about.
I wish there were an easier way to say to a person that you were feeling they were being clingy. Not only is it an anxiety producing comment, but it possibly even worsens the situation they are already in.
