A dream of love and jealousy

I remember feeling devoted, ecstatic, in love. I was holding you, sort of spooning, except I could feel both my hands on the skin of your torso, and it felt like heaven. We were breathing heavily, what had just commenced was not uncommon, but you said no one had ever made you feel like that before, and you wondered what you could do in return, and I just wanted to hold you, to keep you, to be warm with you (there was nothing but you, a thousand colors of your skin, your taste, your smell). I wanted the moment to last forever. I had given up a thousand waves of passion and gratefully you accepted. I was so happy. I felt like in just holding you, I could push all my loving energy into you, and if I did it, the energy would return, this was the cycle, the relationship I had in mind, that I kept so close to my heart, the hope I allowed to breathe in this moment,  but it was just a moment. 

You got up and started putting on your clothes (the room was blue and black), and though the cold air that suddenly was the only thing I was holding wasn't the cause, I felt on edge. Where had my security gone?  - whispers in the back of my head. You were talking about what was next, the plan you had for the evening, and as it continued, I suddenly realized I wasn't part of it. You were late already for the next thing, the next thing you were eager to leave me for, What had we?  my mind raced and closed off, I was rapidly becoming bitter. I couldn't understand. 

You walked me up the narrow stairs to the blinding lights and cold edges. At the doorway we stumbled into hosts welcoming house guests, they were merry and delighted. They had food and gifts and the hospitality of a innocent holiday family. I tried so hard to hide my disdain, I wanted them to know the travesty that had just occurred and join me in my contempt for your dismissal of me. 

The next scene was something different, you were different and this was even more public, orange signs and the counter to some corner store, chalk full of bullshit to buy. You were playing coy and innocent, I was hard of heart and cruel. The store clerk made some jest at you, and I wanted to show my power, so I reached down to caress your clit, and knew physically you wouldn't stop me. A mix of embarrassment, pleasure and hatred crossed your face and I reveled in it for a second.



Then I awoke and hated myself as much as you and felt like crying because I want more.