29

I fell asleep at 7:00ish, so now I can't sleep.

I just went through some old notes I found at my mom's house in the closet.  Drawings I did as a teenager, notes and letters from Nova while she was traveling, confirmation congrats cards, journals that talk about holidays, stories I wrote in high school in the middle of the night, notes from Steve and James, homework from women's studies classes and letters Becky wrote me in the middle of the night early in our relationship when she didn't feel comfortable talking to me about things, and of course the letters I wrote in case I died to my best friends and some of my family(a project I never finished).

Today I turn 29.

I sat in bed thinking of accomplishments, of friends lost and loved, of hopes for the future.
I am not sure if 29 is a significant birthday year. My Mom pointed out that we all turn an odd number this year... 31, 27, 57... the other day I realized I was exactly 10 years older than my youngest step brother, which had never occurred to me before.

I took a ride with Lacey yesterday, as she was showing me her childhood home, I started to reflect on my childhood. Something she seemed more reluctant to do. As I started talking about it, the pain of my past seemed like it was woven together into a ball, a mass that was both natural and demonic. Rapidly my story fell from my lips and I spit out truths, simple, plain truths, but it didn't seem preplanned... it was like a familiar mantra, but rich with emotion, each word a feeling, not just a repetition.  I was tearing up and my voice became shaky. I wasn't in anyway prepared for this, and yet it felt really right... like it was time to say these things... but at the end, I still wasn't satisfied. I didn't feel exercised.

Today in class we did a reading on forgiveness and it is a pretty profound reading... I think I need to think about this some more.