What is it you are looking for right now?
Like really, tonight you have options, wealthy
possibilities, up till 3- singing karaoke with a handful of homies, see a play
or an improv show, hang in your room playing computer games, check out a film
and have your mind blown, have a good cup of joe with a friend and play a game,
eat some menchies or go to your brothers to make jokes and play drums, all of
these things hold an element of fun. You could write for the next hour or two,
you could read a chapter of a book and swim in fantasy through a painting, or a
drawing, or a museum or a date. Each one promising an experience to relate, and what will you
do? Secretly desiring to spend the night alone, hoping no one calls and no one
is home. Spend the evening in self-isolation,
thinking about your loneliness, shame and separation. What reward is this
firing of neurons in your brain, that likes pain, deprivation, refrains from
enjoying conversation? Seems insane, disordered and discordant, spending all
this energy to maintain a lack of enjoyment.
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