Good day sunshine

Two cups of coffee was probably too much, hard to sit still.
I am headed to a movie soon with my brothers.
I spent a few hours with Steve listening to him tell about his bike trip from NY to DC. Inspiring. Spirited. Energizing.

I spent a few hours with Becky the other night and it felt like it should feel. She is leaving for England (probably right now), but I was glad to reconnect.

I spent a few hours with Lacey this weekend too, and it was nice to feel like our friendship hasn't disintegrated, which was kind of how I felt for the last few weeks... I just felt kind of like everyone had abandoned me or was too busy, or was in pursuit of their own possibilities. This feeling was both awful and sort of liberating and that has been an odd and uneasy tension in my life lately. All these transitions push me to pursue my own goals beyond the needs and whims of my friends, simultaneously I find it really hard to pursue my goals without a good understanding of who I am (with no one to reflect it back to me). So the reconnection with these friends this weekend was reassuring, at the same time, I was able to say to them YES I am pursuing  new interests, new projects, new pursuits... and they were able to be happy for me.

This tension though is troubling in that I think it is in the way of healing one of the major issues in my life. I think I am afraid I will get stale again if I pursue the relationships that have been my pillars.  So how do I find comfort, and comfort, but without losing touch of the new reality?

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I rearranged my room, hung up some art, cleaned my closet, dusted. I have been working out (in a small way). I bought groceries and started eating slightly healthier. I went back to work and found a little purpose.  I started planning a trip to South America.  I read some books. I met some people. I got back on okcupid. I danced a little. 

I have to go see my brothers.