been awhile since i wrote out a political rant on here

My step mother recently began an argument with me on a few issues. Gay marriage came up, she and my dad feel they are just following their faith, not discriminating by being against marriage equality. She also brought up the Chick Fil A thing.  I hadn't really thought about the chick fil a thing until I read the article at the bottom. I guess sometimes my biases come out when I am arguing for things and I can't put my finger on why it is important to argue against say a random corporation getting involved. I don't think Chick Fil A is directly responsible for the deaths of lgbt kids... but they are not helping, and may in fact be hurting those children indirectly. 

Anyway here is what I sent her:

Hi Colleen, I guess I am still cooling off a little after that last one. I think this issue is particularly hard because so many of the people in my life are affected so personally by this issue, friends, family coworkers, even myself. I know the vague legal boundaries around same sex partners seem like a small issue, but I think its more about the larger issue that in the united states we use these institutions to block people from being recognized as equals. I cannot be okay with that, and I don't think you and my dad are actually okay with that either, but right now you don't see how it is discrimination. It is though because on a basic LEGAL and SOCIAL level, some people are given more rights than others. No different from racial discrimination, which I know you are not ok with. In fact some of these rights had to be fought for during the civil rights movements, women's rights movement, even in some states the Catholic's rights movements.

LGBT folks are not recognized as being equal, if you want to fight for their equality then vote No, or don't Vote on the amendment, OR fight for equal civil rights and try to get the state constitution to recognize civil unions as equal to your marriage.


Feel free to read the rest if you like, it is about discrimination of lgbt folks, and reactions to the common arguments against marriage equality.
______________________________________________
National Level:
It seems absurd to me that for 18 years of my life Gay people in the military were openly discriminated against for being themselves, even if they had "served their country" in combat, they were dismissed without benefits for being themselves. Imagine losing a limb for this country and then getting nothing. Did this happen to straight folks? It seems absurd to me that for the last 16 years a gay person's legal marriage in one state, wouldn't be recognize in another. Imagine going to South Dakota or Florida and not having your marriage recognized. If you and my dad were for some reason injured on a trip, its possible the hospital would deny you access to each other. Think about how horrifying that would be. Does this happen to straight folks?
In several states homosexual individuals and couples can't adopt children. Meaning thousands of kids go un-adopted but willing folks can't adopt them. Are straight couples ever ruled unfit, simply because of their sexuality?


Besides the DOMA stuff above, there are 515 statutes of Minnesota law that apply to Heterosexual couples and don't apply to Homosexual couples. 515 laws that create unequal treatment from the state of MN to same sex couples.

Why does it have to be "marriage" on a legal level?

This is something that a lot of people on all sides of the issue ask, in many ways progressives would rather change the law so that "marriage" was a word not used in any legal manner. They say let marriage be a religious thing, let civil unions be a legal term, this would basically mean the state would recognize that you were in a civil union, the church may or may not recognize that you were married. I myself don't care about this one, as many churches will marry lgbt folks, and the state could be changed to recognize civil unions, but this is not the argument conservatives fought for in the legislature. They chose to have an anti-marriage amendment thrown into the mn constitution for no reason ( I say no reason, because same sex marriage is already illegal in MN.)
This would mean (if it passes) lgbt partners could never have their "marriages" recognized by the state (forever). Making it very unlikely that same sex couples will ever have the same legal rights.

This means you will always be able to visit my dad in the hospital, but arguably another couple may not. This means you will be able to receive tax benefits that another couple does not. So on and so forth.

Why does it have to be "marriage" on a social level?
Would you give up your marriage even if you still had the legal rights?If you answer is no, that is the reason why it has to be marriage. Because the term marriage bestows a social, psychological and YES to some extent a religious understanding that says "this is important." James just got married and described the days after it as being the happiest he had been in a long time. Nothing had changed in any way, other than the legal, social and psychological impact of "marriage".


Religious rules: the laws that supposedly discuss homosexuality as evil are ludicrous and we ignore most of those these days anyway, so lets talk about "biblical marriage:"
Biblical marriage throughout the bible is almost always discussed as a business transaction. Women almost never have choice in the matter. Women are seen as property in the bible. Love is almost never mentioned, lust is more often the motive of the male protagonist when discussed for reasons to marry. Commitment is seen as secondary to the business transaction. Polygamy is celebrated in the heroic stories of the bible more often than marriage between two individuals. Most of the cultures of the bible tended to have separate spheres for males and females so the idea of our modern form of marriage for love and commitment was almost never possible. Many of the marriages in the bible are far from sacred, they routinely talk about marrying for diplomacy, for property and for power. Divorce, adultery and other obstacles to the "sacredness of marriage" were as common then as now, which is why they had so many strict rules to try to keep families intact.

New testament: First off is the new testament about inclusion or intolerance? Second, Jesus said nothing about homosexuality. Paul did, but he also said its better for all people to remain single rather than get married. He also said in Christ there is no male or female, all are one in Christ.

Freedom of Religion: The state legally shouldn't be able to uphold "religious rules" that create unequal treatment of people, if it cannot endorse a religion or inhibit the practice of a religion. If we keep people from legal marriage rights by using "religious" rules we are both endorsing one religious standpoint, and inhibiting other people from practicing their religious point of view. This amendment is against freedom of religion.

"Nature" arguments based on the idea that same sex couples cannot reproduce are ludicrous, You and my dad couldn't reproduce but it didn't keep you from wanting a "marriage."

Lastly why is it important to stand up for gay rights against those who speak against them? (Even if they are just speaking their mind?)
First off I think it is unfortunate that some people believe they or their beliefs are under attack if and when the state decides to change the law to recognize the equality of all people. In the south white people claimed their schools, businesses and churches were all under attack during the civil rights movement, meanwhile those same folks literally attacked black people and kept them from equal rights.

I think this article both attempts to be human, relational and speak to the reasons for standing up against institutional discrimination in whatever form, without attacking.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/conor-gaughan/chick-fil-a-homophobia_b_1711566.html

moya

I was talking to Kelly yesterday, explaining how I was numb, or attempting a sort of numbness so I could invite you back. Leave a door open, not dwell on the hurt or the anger, keep a place set.  Its harder and harder to explain to myself why. That was the conclusion I was explaining to her, that it was getting harder to be grateful, to think happy thoughts, to be excited, to be thankful for the blessings in my life, because to keep the absence of hurt, required in some sense the absence of joy... maybe not intentionally but that seems to be the effect. Now I find it all slipping. I really enjoyed the 4 hours with Kelly, babbling while watching her paint so beautifully. Listening to the shared connection that I have with her, both the one we have built over these past few years and the one inherent in our disposition.  I enjoyed how easy it was. Like work is easy. 

I've been hanging with my roommates, they are silly and bright, fun loving. 

They play board games and watch movies with their intellect still in tune. Like a movie isn't just a movie but an idea to be explored. They listen to music, they play music the same way. They have conversations that way too... and I enjoy them. 

The people I usually call my closest are all too busy, with work, school and travel, partners, children  and grudges. Sometimes maybe its their own weaknesses that keep them separate. Maybe its their own version of staying numb. 

I watched this video where this autistic teenager was explaining that she hits herself and flails around because she is overwhelmed in her brain. 

I watched another video where these people were explaining that in some ways being overwhelmed by sensory information is the natural state of a being a teenager. 

So what happens when an adult feels the same?

Overwhelmed till the point of self destruction.

I've been watching mad men, I am still not sure I like the show, but now I am invested in the characters... so its too late to quit right? There are all these scenes where staying cool, calm, collected, numb are rewarded, and part of you wants to yell at them that there is a different way, but these things are rewarded right?

I'm angry now. 

I wasn't really before, because I was keeping it out, but its seeping in. 

Seeping in because I am not allowed to know anything, no understanding of anything, of joy nor sorrow. And I don't want the drama, that's not what I am after... but its sad that the people who most often read this don't actually talk to me in my real life.  Its not a relationship,

but I am regaining my thankfulness and my hurt.

It shows itself in giving, smiles, connections,   but also in the apathy and the isolation. 

thinking about fertility

SO I could write about batman, spiderman, board games, conversations on education and the history of the world. I could talk about how I miss teaching or how I am trying to learn to be ok with sitting in a place and not thinking about whether or not it is productive. Enjoy multiple forms of lounging, not just sitting in  your room or reading at a coffee shop... these are the things I have been doing.

But primarily my inner thoughts have been coming back to this one issue. Am I fertile?
I am going to be taking a test soon, to see if I have the potential to be a good partner in an endeavor to create a human being.  To create, but first these tests, I passed the first, or rather I chose YES, next its legal matters (in a minute) and then fertility, followed by dr screening.  Then actual attempts I guess. All of which are tests, all pass/fail.
The trouble is that each passed test pushes me further into the "this is something I want to do" category, builds up pressure and excitement for the next... and what if I run into a road block?
Then do I daydream, prepare, consider for nothing?

What do I do if I don't pass this fertility test? Do I ask for a re-do?

How many attempts before they exclude me from the process?

Lacey suggested I write about this, maybe write a book about the process, the thought process and the real process and the research or something.

So I have been looking into these fertility kits, they test for at least 20,000 million sperm count in a sample that should contain anywhere from 20 million to a hundred million.

Its been hot out. I switch to boxers. I have been trying to eat fruits and veggies and drink lots of water. I need to get some exercise and lots of sleep and not be stressed.
But what if that doesn't end up being enough?
All my cousins and uncles seemed to have no problems, maybe I am genetically set.
But maybe my cell phone and lap top have hurt my chances. Maybe this damn cyst which seems to dully ache daily will turn out to be a factor after all. Maybe my poor sugar and salt diet is an issue, or the fact that i am lean, but fat in all the wrong places...

So, if I am... what then?
DO I want to see this kid once a week, once a month, once a year?
Do I want to ask to be a God parent, an uncle, a family friend?
Do I trust myself to be there, to contribute, to be good?
What if I screw up?

What if something happens and I love the child and it is taken away from me?
What if something happens and I leave the child after creating a relationship?

What if something happens to the child?


This is something I want though. I think I am pretty sure this is a spectacular opportunity.

Watching Les Miserables on youtube, a sort of anniversary concert, not the actual play.

Its really nice.

What to talk about. 

I have no thoughts, this is the trouble with commitments to write.

I saw Les Miserables in Winnipeg with Nikki at 17.  We had run away in the middle of the night, arrived in Winnipeg early the next morning as my car filled up with water due to a broken air conditioner. The sunrise over the Winnipeg fields listening to The Big Wu,  was one of my favorite things in the world at the time.  I have just a few memories of the trip, Nikki in boxers, taking out money from the bank to see the play (all of my money). Worrying about her anxiety disorder.  Wanting to explore and run away forever. 

I am amazed people can make music so beautiful.

But tonight it clouds all the thoughts from my mind, and makes it hard to write...

 

some pictures

I think all the major things in my life are going at a pace that is significantly slower than the one I am used to, this coupled with the fact that I have immense amounts of time on my hand = Mike feeling super unproductive and somewhat unhappy.

Its basically that, even if I put a bunch of energy into something, everyone else is moving at a slower pace. So how I will be delayed by them or whatever.

Like if I work on school stuff, well I can spend an afternoon designing classes, and it may all go well and good, but then I don't actually get to see them played out for over a month and a half.

Or I could strategize about the year, but same deal.

I could do spirit of truth stuff, but I need the rest of the group to move forward.

I could do my own projects, but where is their value if I don't have anyone to check in with, or celebrate with if I accomplish them.

I dunno.

I might need to leave town.

1:25 in the AM

I think this boredom and loneliness is starting to take its toll. I can't tell if the insecure things I am thinking are real or just thoughts.

Things keep breaking, my cd player wont play cds, my comp's sound isnt working properly (I have to use headphones). Its annoying when you are home much of the day.

Tomorrow I have nothing.  Sat, Sun, Monday and Wednesday I have plans so far. May see a show on Friday of next week, but tomorrow I have nothing.

 I had a list of 4-5 topics to write about in cases I couldn't think of anything.

lets see

*south armerica

*fantasy child arrangement (I am going through with at least the next steps)

*insecurity

None of those seem like great topics

The south america thing is that I am learning a lot more because of the book I am reading about the history of indigenous cultures and civilizations in South America and it is ridiculously fascinating. 

 Makes me want to spend 6 months there, which is good, because I am pretty sure that I am going to within the next few years.  

Its also one of the only things that has ever made me fascinated with textiles. 

Spanish conquistadors  found that  Inka woven armor was as affective and more agile/versatile than their steel plates, so they ditched their armor and "went native."

The Inka language may or may not have been only verbal, there is a significant amount of evidence to suggest that quipu were actually a "written" form of communication, the quipu served minimally as an accounting device, but some suggest that using the knots in a binary fashion, along with the total amounts of variations of string and knots, one could produce more "characters" than any of the written languages of the time. Meaning the Inka language may have been transmittable through string...

anyway I strongly suggest the book 1491

Fantasy child arrangements... 

Well I just don't know.  

in the last episode of man men I watched a lady was telling Don his fortune and she said basically that the only reason he wasn't part of the world is because he saw himself as alone.   Is this the human condition or just a guy thing or what?

 

22

missed yesterday
I have a headache.
It is 3:25  I haven't had anything to eat or drink yet.
I should probably go remedy that.
I will try to post later.

Mike with very wet braids that smell like body wash

Nightmares

The first I don't remember well, distinctively I remember only a few seconds. I was huddled on my back holding someone else, as if to protect them, but I wasn't doing a very good job. Above us a large and looming person with violence their intent.

I remember pleading, very briefly, it was as if it invigorated him, his reaction to immediately stomp with hard boots. So large,  it seemed they would crush right through my face with one blow.

And as if they did, I woke up. I felt there was someone in my room.

In the second I had to repel him, this time it was my father, there was only one way, consecutive blows, I had to fight him off. It wasn't so much that he was fighting back as that the only way I could push him back was with blows to the face. I had to, I don't know why, but it needed to be immediate and physical. 

The third, I was the first to the dining hall. I remember being confronted on my apparent lack of patience, as I had already served myself something like an appetizer of bread and eggs or something before anyone else had gotten there. I allowed them to fill up the tables, everyone dressed alike, like bootcamp, white tshirts tucked in to pants and boots. 

I spilled something, or someone did, and though there was a sense of urgency I decided I needed to clean up the spill, after all if these were not the circumstances, I would clean it up. So I must with dignity, follow through. I was careful to get all the drops of the sticky orange syrup. 

By the time I had finished it was my time to get food, NO, they were vacating, the food was being taken away, the others were filing out, I had missed my opportunity.

It seemed vital I eat, fill up, the last metal steamer had a few pieces of burnt bacon, on top of what seemed like tater tots... I knew I didn't want the tots, but I grabbed for a handful of food to wrap up in the pancake like foods on my plate. I did this just as they were taking them away and I was grateful for the food. 

As soon as I had finished, I noticed there was only the one other person like me left, and he was working with a mechanic, he seemed off limits. I walked out the hallway nervously. I knew it had begun, not that I wanted to do anything about it... but quite quickly someone attacked me and I killed him just as quickly. 

I stopped by the open door way (that seemed like the board room at school) and taunted them, as if to say bring it on, and immediately three of them ran at me. Two entered the room behind me (the center room), I tried to explain it was a joke but they were ready. 

The one looked familiar, I will call him V, as I tried to explain to V that it was just a joke, he said he understood but now it was too late, and I continued to step back putting the table between us. 

In the room we were in there were several of my allies in the corner, but we had taken them off guard and they were innocents. It wasn't like they had killed anyone before... so as the other one who had entered came around the table (lets call her J) I instinctively grabbed at her, flung her into the table, against the wall, up to the ceiling, I was incredibly strong and she was like a sack of nothing by the time I threw her bloodied corpse down the hallway.  V was shocked and didn't know what to do... I let him go.

My team seemed off guard, and I approached the other door to the room to shut it... but when I did that A started singing or rapping down the hallway. It was as if he was putting on a musical, his gang kept pace behind him, but he had a gun, and he was gunning for me. I was clearly the biggest threat, and though his tiny stature would be nothing without the gun, I was scared. 

How many bullets would they give him, I backed into my room again and shut the door... my team tried to hold it, but a close range fight broke out, and I was somehow wounded, so were others... but A was out of bullets and I knew he would be quick to fall...

I ran though, I was bleeding, my belly had cuts that needed to be stitched and I couldn't do that inside the building so I stumbled through the streets into a back alley medic. He seemed startled as if he had been watching the thing on tv, and it took threats of violence for him to see me. 

We were in a small dark cramped changing room, he was prepping me for stitches in the biggest cut and I was using an alcohol pad like a moist towelette to clean the wounds when the bug landed on me. At first I wasn't alarmed, but as i tried to brush it away, I became aware that it had begun moving towards the open wound, more urgently I swatted at it. Then suddenly it reverse its body and dug into the wound, laying eggs in me I tried to pull it out, but only got parts. A new rush of adrenaline knew this was dangerous, and then I awoke.

24? This counting down thing is harder than you would expect.

HMMMM...

It is 10:14 Lets see about an hour.

If you had seen me today, it would have been swaying to the beat at Spyhouse, I was trying to keep my posture, but it bent the way it wished sometimes. Depending on the time, the music would have been old blues, or maybe James Brown, or maybe Mumford and Sons. I was sitting and sometimes standing at the counter near the far end of the room to the right of the entrance. Near the windows. 

Reading about radical Christianity or drawing the people around me.

I must have looked strange, my hair all wrapped up on the left side, and wild on the right. This boy out of a comicbook, a child's story. Dark t shirt and wearing pants in this heat. 

Continually moving... whats wrong with this boy in the glasses?

What is he reading, and how can he concentrate while moving?

Or if you were the girl at the table, why does this kid keep looking at me?

I was drawing her, sort of, a scrimmage session, all practice for  skill building. 

You see every part of you had to be done differently, the bun of your hair, locked up was these slinky like doodles, and the rest of your hair just horizontal lines placed consecutively so as to give some semblance to the different strands and textures. That yellow hair band, wrapping your hair and your ears,  straight lines with a sharpie gave a shape to the folds of the cloth well enough, and as for the rest of you,  I tried to give these geometric shapes a chance to show the roundness of your cheeks, the straight lines of your jaw. Trouble was I think the variety lost your form, your skinny arms became blurred into something more rounded, your chest almost made invisible, your eyes, perhaps the most capturing of all your features were lost entirely... but maybe that's because I didn't have glass sky blue amongst my tools. 

Anyway I am glad I didn't have to show it off, you and your friend seemed quite content, uttering tiny bits of practiced Spanish to each other amongst your own scribblings. Perhaps you were lovers, all leaning in close and smiles. His dark features seemed perfect fantasy island contrast with yours. People probably say you make a handsome couple.  You'll have him clean up nice and shaven for the wedding, treasured sepia colored wedding photos. Maybe another smattering with the color mixed up to bring out your eyes, the matching bouquet in your hands and the blue flower in his lapel.

These you can show to your children, who will not recognize mom and dad in those sweet youth filled images they have come to cherish. 

I was reading about a pastor, found in his faith, righteous and pushy, yet relational and caring. How to keep amongst his flock, the congregation admires his vigilance, his worldliness, his realness... but they also hate him. Hate him for the words that call into question their existence. His existence, they utter in their minds, "you know we pay you" they want to say, "you shouldn't be so preachy" they think without recognizing the irony of the words. 

Calls into question existence, I wonder, am I on the right path, I wonder as I sway to the beat of the music on the soundsystem, how do they choose it, I always wonder as I listen, wondering how much effort they put into a choice of which music to sway to, to take money to, to steam milk to, to grind coffee to, to clean cups and glasses to, to refill toilet paper to, to take compliments and tips to, to take complaints and growls to, to fantasize and dream to, to sing the ins and out of their day to.

Writing poems in their minds, these the folks who program computers, who write papers, who plan classes, who grade papers, who start businesses, who draw people, who talk over coffee, who daydream with stimulants doing the work of their adrenal glands, who read the city pages, who read books, who read webpages, who bike here, take the bus here, walk here, drive and hope for a specific spot on the street that they are used to. Work in the neighborhood, eat at the diner with the bad waitresses who aren't bad waitresses, drink at the bar with the good margaritas and the mexican revolutionaries on the wall, pho at a half a dozen places, stop to look at the string art, shun the dunn bros (today), thousands of memories on this street in this neighborhood in this city, want that for their children, the children in the day care down the street/ scratch that, none of these people have kids. But some have friends who are little.

Is the art on the walls instagram photos? That's like someone else doing all the work, no? Don't you wish it were something more inspiring? How do they come up with this? meaning like A) do you think this is just the kids down the street at MCAD? and B) don't you think you could do better? How much would you charge? What do you mean you haven't done art in years, didn't I see you sketching earlier?  whatevs, you really can't take a compliment can you(smirk)..?

Why does that guy keep going to the bathroom, he seems really anxious, maybe too many cups of coffee, too much dancing, what a weirdo, seems like he has the bladder of a two year old, I haven't been to the bathroom in hours, I wonder if there is something wrong with me, its like 100 degrees out I should probably be drinking water instead of coffee, oh well, I am only human, back to work, I am never going to finish this assignment. 

 11:01 didn't make it.

I have more thoughts, but not on this, and maybe not things I want to share right now.

living in sections

I think I failed my 30 day quest. I know that I will make up for it today by posting twice, but the idea was to post every day right?  By day I was using the general period between sleep, but that has been more and more difficult as the weather and other factors have been making me take long and inconsistent naps. I fall asleep randomly, wake up in a puddle and proceed to move on with my day.

Today its supposed to be 100 degrees out or something sick, so we have the air on, and I slept comfortably last night and all morning until about12:30PM and it felt soooo good. 

I don't remember any of my dreams of significance but things keep popping into my mind all familiar like and it feels good to know my mind is traveling even if I am not.

Last night I went with my roommate and one of his friends to see the movie The Cabin in the Woods.

It was amazing and so much better than I expected it to be.

Today and the rest of the week I have very few plans. Some how I will have to find a way to keep posting even though i think I may have to have my compy fixed (the sound).

I have a phone meeting at 5:30 and I am hanging with Lace after, but from now until then my agenda is basically  eat, caffeinate, kill 4 hours.

This week I am hoping to hang with the following:

Kelly, Kristi, Elora, Sara C, My Dad, Jess V, my Grandma, maybe shultz if she has time, my brothers if they have time,  and more?    Like 5 of those people are open during the day so it will work out.

I better get on scheduling these if this is going to happen. I also have SoT events on Wednesday and Thursday.

Oh Well enjoy yourself and someone else.

What number is this 26?

I just got back from an 11:30 Movie at Riverview theater. I had never been there and it is quite the venue. Very much keeping alive the 60s-70s theater style but not falling apart. I wonder if the Uptown will look like that after the renovations. Anyway, I went with my roommate and a few of his friends who were celebrating a birth day. 

Its interesting to see a group of folks who all went to college, have grown together over the years, moved beyond their college experience, yet still are very active in each other's lives. My roommate says some of them were RAs together, which explains it somewhat. 

But even in a group of friends, there is drama, weird divides and probably  a little too much poking fun in the sore spots. 

We went and saw Jurassic Park, which in my mind is a fairly decent movie, full of laughs and scares... but to this group it is like THE MOVIE. They know all the characters names, they know what they are wearing, they know the lines, they know the tiny little things that happen in the background. Still they enjoy it.

I wonder if they spent hours watching it over and over together like my floor watch Kung Pow.

I find myself attracted to several of the women that frequent my house. I don't really know them, I don't really know how I would jump the gap. I have no idea if they are single. But its nice to have a constant reminder that I am actually attracted to people. I wonder though, when some of our roomies move, if there will be a new place to hang, and if I will then, not be invited.

Today I did some yoga with SoT'ers. There were 4 of us, and we couldn't get into the gym so we went to the lake, and at first I was really nervous, but it ended up being super fucking awesome. The breeze on the lake made the 85 degree temp bearable, Christa gave us poses that weren't too intense, but helped us stretch and relax. I actually felt like I got outside my head for like 20 minutes... which is not something I can do very often. I think I can understand why people seek out that feeling, but for me, because it is new, I am not always sure if I like it.... sort of like being high, its fascinating but do I want to spend my time that way?

Then I had lunch with my mom, we got into some good conversations about relationships, moms, children, adoption. She was more supportive of the possible donation thing than I expected, and it has pretty much given me the go ahead, but there are still a few people I want to talk to first. Jess, Pete, my dad.  I think I will mention it to my brothers when I actually start the process, if the ladies are still interested that is. 

I took a 4 hour nap and was still tired. 

I will probably head to bed now. But overall I'd say it was a good first day of break. 

tired  and not at all in the mood to write.  
I bring you these videos as a substitute

28

I am so out of the habit, that it is hard to know what to write.
When I am traveling there are new things, details and thoughts to discuss. In my normal every day life I am not sure there is that much to report. I haven't been feeling all that creative lately. I think the weather sucks it right out of me.  I am reading, but I don't have the book in front of me to quote and reflect on. I am about to start season 2 of madmen, which I kinda disliked until about half way through season one. Now the characters are growing on me... but overall I still don't know that it is a show worthy of the attention it gets.

I spent a few minutes thinking about age differences in relationships. A friend told me she was dating someone who I didn't know was significantly older than she was. I would have guessed a few years older but not over a decade. Partially just because he seems young to me.

I think growing up with brothers on either side made it hard for me to recognize that relationships with people significantly older or younger are ok... I was infringing on someone else's territory if I strayed more than a year or two in either direction.  I cannot imagine dating someone my parent's age or even a decade older or younger. My coworkers who I adore sometimes display their different set of cultural markers and I am thrown off completely.

Tomorrow is the last day of summer school. Though I have technically started my 5th year. Its more like an ending to the 4th since we didn't get much of a break. I am looking forward to it, but with some apprehension. Its not hard to recognize how quick I fall into the depression trap when I have no structure.
Sat I have yoga at 10:30, lunch with my mom and evening with Jess V,
Sunday SoT, then leadership meeting (then probably some SoT work)
Monday I have a cohort meeting and perhaps dinner plans
Wednesday Prayer Vigil
Thursday Art Night
Sunday  gathering.

Those are some good structured events, but that leaves entire days in which I am sure I will be sleeping in, and watching a lot of nothing... and sitting on the web checking facebook for hours.

And on that note.
I am off.
Enjoy your wicked awesome self.

29

I just set a goal that I would blog for 30 days. I am not necessarily saying it will be this blog, as I do have something like 5 million different blogs, but I am setting a goal that I will try to write something of significance maybe a paragraph or several each day until August something or other. Also I wrote on here yesterday so its 29 days left. 

*An open honest update on life.

These are some of the things happening right now.

A) I am listening to Radiohead a lot lately (the last few days). It still makes me smile to remember that Becky used to think I hated them, though I had more of their cds than she did. It became sort of an inside joke over the years, she would pretend I still hated them, even when I had assured her that I was a fan. It was her weird cuteness.

B) Becky is getting married in a month. I am planning on attending the wedding and it is almost entirely because I had a dream in which I realized it would all be okay. I talked to her for several hours the other day on facebook chat and it was the longest we had talked in months. I don't know where our friendship will go but I appreciate that it feels good when it feels good. I am trying to be less judgmental and less possessive.

C) That is not going well. My possessiveness is coming out hardcore in one relationship in particular, its almost comical how strong it is. Its like a giant force of energy that wants to swallow this person up and keep them away from everything but me. Its awful. 

My judgment is something I am trying to learn to live with. I am not sure how other people, one in particular will learn to deal with it, but whats sad is that its really not all that extreme... it takes time to process, I sometimes have quick reactions, but for even the most awful things I have a hard time being angry or defensive for more than a week. I am protective, and hurt sometimes, but it doesn't always keep me from seeing the other person point of view. Once I have readjusted my understanding most anything seems somewhat reasonable... and that is something that I worry about more often than I worry about peoples actions.  

I worry that my leniency is what gets me in trouble, far more than my judgment. 

D) Distance.  I wonder if that's all we need right now.  My best friend, hurt and angry,  I imagine some day this will be the past. Things will get better, but I am not sure how to bridge it all... I think I need your help for that and so far things are too shifty  to find that foothold. 

I haven't given up, I just wonder if the distance is the only thing that can help right now.

E) Everything. I was remarking to Lacey how easily I lose myself because all of my grounding is so often based in others. So of course right now I am all over the place... no one knows, no one gets it. I am basing all of my decisions on what I think might be the right course of action... I act confident, I act immobile. Find myself in these moments where I just don't see anything right... total body dysmorphic nightmare, its like how the mirror projects, I am projecting... but I have no idea what is underneath and I think my confidence is based in how good the illusion is. 

F) Family, do I want to add a new member?

I haven't had the time to discuss this with anyone yet except my coworkers, I have my plans, Lacey on Friday, my Mom and Jess on Sat, we will see if I continue from there. A friend and her partner asked me to be their donor. To help add to their family, and in part to mine. Legally/financially I would be separate, they even have to pay me which is weird. But the rest is negotiable. I would not be the parent (but I could be part of the childs life). 

This is all assuming everything worked out, assuming I am fertile, and the doctors think its a good fit, and everyone goes through with it...

My first thought was "Yes!"   flattered and having the hardest time finding reasons to say No.

After a few days I have adjusted, I am still having a hard time trying to say NO, but my insecurities have gotten in the way. Who am I?  Why now, why like this? Is this just a vanity thing?

Its like all of the reasons to say NO, are about my insecurity and irresponsibility, but the reasons to say YES are about helping someone else fulfill their desires, so is that bad? Without me, they simply go to another person who is in the same position as I am... 

G) geez this is getting long... did I mark off all the things I wanted to talk about? I should change this to a list of 10. To J?

Tonight I was inspired by a speech my coworker gave to the board of our company. We normally feel like the relationship is hostile, but tonight I think she won the crowd over so easily. With her honesty, energy, spunk, and the proud relationship she has with our program. Not a barefoot Barcelonan, but a powerhouse. 

H) I am not sure SoT will ever really get where we envision it to go... there just doesn't seem to be a movement... but I really appreciate the people and the effort, and the songs.

I) Two things left to mention. I am reading the fifth agreement. It is inspiring to see yourself as the artist of your dreams, the mess you have made of life, just a painting. No big deal, no reason to take it personally. Just start a new canvass, after all you have bought too many from blicks and Michaels. Its really a nice idea that I can hold onto for a moment here and there. A moment to feel like maybe all my shame is just a manifestation of nothing, that I am truly perfect and that the things that seem so wrong are just -well nothing. They are illusions, an agreement I wrongfully made with myself to give the wrong name to a painting that is easily ignored, changed, discarded. 

But I don't know how to discard the parts of me that are soooo vicious. The parts that want me to feel tormented, ashamed etc. The moment I feel free, they push me to do something more insidious. So really its just a moment of light, and then back to the mixed gray, and occasionally the dark.

For instance last night, someone posted something on craigslist, that I responded to with an alternate email and I wrote out some pretty "kinky" things. This is more or less what my doctor suggested I do, find someone online. Make connections with others who are into similar things. No big deal in his mind, no big deal right?  But I was sitting there thinking about all the people who would gasp if they found out I sent that email.  What if it could get traced back to me? 

I wrote on another blog once that the sin of my lust, is not that I am into kink, the sin is that it makes me so ashamed that I cannot interact in the light. That I can't recognize my own perfection (5th agreement language).  I wrote that because a young person had commented on the blog that he hated himself... and hearing the same language I wanted to clarify that he wasn't evil or bad or anything... the damage is in the doubt that impairs relationships, isolates, incriminates.

J) My balance is off, and I am having a harder time not falling in someones direction. The trouble is I don't know who can steer me back. I have no counter, and I am entirely reliant, and oh the embrace of being dependent.  This is cathexis caused by the absence of others.  Yet not. Entirely the same direction as the first time I laid eyes, hard to know what is the imagination of the head and that of the heart.

And though I delve into these fantasies, equally I fear, sooner or later they'll all  hate me for it.

 

days

I was going to write 11 days, but it jumped to 12 in the moment that passed.

Watching this

Telling people about this

Yesterday I was asked if I wanted to help create a life. More on that in the future.

 Tomorrow are two events, a board meeting for my company, and a public prayer vigil for my organization. Likely I will have to choose.  Likely I will try to make it to set up at the one, and then switch to the other. 

Summer school just has a few days left, and students and staff are both ready to be done. Its not that I am launching into projects or travel or anything big, just hard to maintain focus on something that is pretty much done for. The current incarnation of summer school is stripped down so much that I have a shit ton of time on my hands and basically it makes me bored, tired or absent minded... its like not enough is going on, so I get lazy. In college I needed to take extra classes so I would take any of my classes seriously, its like that.

I have been teaching debate, and there are a handful of kids that are learning, and some that seem to be flat out refusing to learn... which is annoying.

 I also have the kids that are frustrated by the fact that they are learning and would prefer something easier... but they come back the next day to do it again... so that's ok.

I have been eating a pound of fruit every day and haven't been working out.   I say the first thing because apparently I have lost weight, much to my surprise and completely contrary to my perception I am indeed not getting fatter. Must be the stress making me feel so big. I am not the only one, and that makes it easier for some reason. I have had several moments in the last few days where if I hadn't been trying so hard not to spiral into some sort of despair I would have.  Moments where I can't think anything but negative, can't find happiness or comfort... and it makes me really scared more than anything... scared that the sources I look to for comfort will diminish even more. 

I have been either pretending or actually have been ok.  I have a shit ton of support. I have people who want to talk and listen. But I don't really know why I am not drawn to them...  

I am reading a book called The Fifth Agreement and its interesting.  A sort of "attachment" leads to heartache, so choose your attachments carefully and remember they are fake when they start to hurt. I wish it were so easy. 

 I think the agreement piece is huge... all of our understandings come from agreements we have made as a society, or to ourselves.  Like the words I am typing are an agreement between us, I use these symbols, you recognize what you think is their meaning. But really they are just scribbled nonsense right? what is a "g" or any other symbol for that matter... it is nothing but the meaning we choose to ascribe to it right?  So... if someone says love, but acts in an unloving way, can't I choose to ignore the hurt and focus on the love?  or on the other hand recognize the action as the intent, regardless of the words?  

Its an interesting thought and heart piece. 

Perhaps if I was clearer in enforcing boundaries I wouldn't be in this place...

likewise perhaps if I was better at ignoring boundaries I wouldn't be here either... (but probably in a worse spot right?)

I have been really comforted by certain folks lately. Kind of makes my heart hurt more because some negative thing is telling me none of it lasts. 

1:39

I was driving, trying to figure out how to see you. I'm not really sure if we were here or there, but I knew the layout. It reminded me of  south St Paul near where my Grandma used to live.  I was driving, trying to figure out how to see you, when you appeared, it was 7 AM and for some reason you were out running in the dull morning light. 

Headed for the coffee shop, near as I could tell. That made sense, and I drove by trying to figure out how to meet you there. 

When I did, I remember being confused in the coffee shop, as to why they were making me buy a pound of coffee and further more why its cost was so exorbitant. My total bill was $45 dollars or so, and you had already paid, so I was getting nervous that you would leave before I had the opportunity to really talk. 

When I left the shop, my heart ached, I had lost you. I circled around and the area, it was still dark and gloomy out. When I was ready to give up, I turned back to head to my car and you were there under a great big pine tree, the branches of which covered you from the outside world, or at least from those who weren't seeking.

Lying down, outstretched drinking coffee, there was something immediately noticeable, you hadn't slept, maybe we had already discussed this, but it wasn't the kind of "I didn't get any sleep last night" but rather the "I have been intentionally not sleeping for days" and it bothered me, but I was desperate. 

I asked, and you said you had been up all night in the workshop. 

Yes, making art, excited, impassioned, you and your husband to be had spent all night self righteous and creative. It was hard to talk to you in this circumstance, because my mind had judged the situation and found it...neglectful. 

Its rare that you aren't super sensitive when you haven't slept, and this was no different. A slip of the tongue and I would be pounced on, or rather left.

Neglectful like your skinny frame,your exhausted body, your mind that can't keep a thought still. Conversations are hard without the ability to maintain focus, so we jump from topic to topic.

Your art?  what is it?

And she suddenly remembers a memory that had never existed (and probably doesn't) making pottery as a child with her father.  But in this story your father has passed, so I ask, "do you miss him?"  an unfathomable question in times past, and even in this line, you brush it off, but for a moment, I saw something like caring in your vision of him. I could tell you would leave me soon, I wasn't sure how to stop it. I was trying my best to avoid all the hard topics, but your instability was written in your wandering eyes. And as if to run, before you could, my eyes decided to open.

Between me and you 6000 page views

Hard to know what to write on these heavy hot days. They say we might have broken a record. 

I saw a picture on fb from Ingrid that looked like a sand storm, and wondered why people in the south aren't freaking out about global climate change.  Storms, drought, fire, yall are getting hit harder than the rest of us.
 

Lacey's art

Lacey at the Walker Art center

Art by Lacey and I

Pride was wonderful. It may have been one of the best continual experiences I have had in a weekend... meaning I was there for something like 20 hours and almost the whole time I felt good. Like really positive, excited, happy. Even when the bugs were out, even when the sun was hot, I only left because we had 4 people during one of the afternoon shifts and I felt like I should give someone else the opportunity to enjoy it.  It was different tabling. I felt purposeful. I felt like I was part of the event, not just visiting. I felt like I had something to offer, not just take. 

me looking dorky

And offer.... man people loved our stuff. I actually created the majority of the stuff myself so it felt really good to get that feedback. I can't wait to see bumper stickers around town... I look for them.

I stole a yard sign. Its a suggested $10 donation, but I feel like I have given a lot to this campaign, time, energy and money.

Speaking of money... Before writing this I was contemplating Argentina, Uruguay, Chile, Brazil.  I only have a couple of weeks... I don't think I should do it... but I want to escape. Would it be better to put it off? To take a longer trip, maybe see all of South America in 6 months or something?  Maybe when my job falls apart. I know if we were going strong, my coworkers would accept it... they'd let me go, but I can't just yet.   Two weeks doesn't seem like enough time to see a continent. 

If I go for two weeks, I will basically have to choose 4-5 cities and call it a trip.

What else...

The summer schedules

Summer school is going really well. We only have 20 students and it is sort of perfect. Full time staff of 3 but Victoria is tied up in meetings several days of the week. There is down time, it is chill. There is real learning going on.  Almost no drama. The other two made lunch for the students today. We are going to a movie on Friday. We get out of school so early that I feel like I have a whole day left. I take naps, I plan other shit. Its too bad a school has to have math and science teachers... we could just have a social studies/english school. Kids would learn how to speak and argue and write and critically think and act. Who needs math?

Well it is a 11:00 on a sticky night... and I am sick of thinking and caring.

So shove off.

Jared's plants

right

I'm sitting at a dunn bros in Roseville. I drove up here intending to get here early and meet a friend for dinner and movie later, but then we changed plans based on movies schedules and now I will need to hightail it to Richfield and Edina...

but I am not worried about that.

I just finished Mockingjay the third in the Hunger Games series and had to hold back the tears. Its hard to finish a book once you have become attached to the characters.

I'm sitting staring at this girl's feet across from me. She is also leaning into a laptop and reading periodically, but I am staring at her feet because they are orange... tan. Maybe its the lighting, but her sandal style shoes only cover part of her foot and the part that is uncovered looks orange and is accented by pink toe nail polish and the contrast between the orange/pink and her black shoes and pants is so strong...

And it makes me realize how different all of our lives are for some reason. yet the same right? like shes sipping on a strawberry smoothie like the one I had earlier in the day, and we are sitting in the same coffee shop and both doing the same activities, and both talked on the phone.

and yet I feel like a conversation with her would be about things of which I have no understanding...

She left. 

I'm trying to organize and figure out my two biggest daily concerns... 

Are we putting on a a series of events that no one wants? or are we doing something new and invigorating?

The question could be directed at both work and the other work...

Someone praised me today for checking in with a few people... I guess the week was successful.

Tomorrow I am volunteering at a fun benefit. I hope it goes according to plan, that I don't screw up and also that it isn't too hot.

Last night I met with Russ and felt fairly certain that the world could be magical... at a certain point my mood turned slightly, but I still expected great things. I guess that is how I go through life, expecting.

Endings and beginnings

This week has been eventful.

A funeral that celebrated Life

A graduation that celebrated accomplishment 

A wedding, a union, a new beginning

They were all good. We sent the old away with loving remembrance, and encouraged the new to meet its potential.

I have never been to a wedding without mixed feelings until tonight.

Sure I was uncomfortable, as I normally am. I even snuck out early, but it just felt right. I watched James and Julie dancing and singing together and they looked so full of joy that it was hard to even imagine not being ok with this. 

In a few months I think I will be attending another wedding. I don't know what it will look like, but I am already planning on sneaking out early. 

Thinking bout weddings,
James and Julie asked me to do a reading, with pizazz
I have been practicing.

Thinking about integrity
how to stay true to my own values
and to my self

Thinking bout weddings,
My Dad had asked, guilt tripped, I wept
through the whole ceremony

Thinking about integrity
I love you, is this love,
or needless sacrifice

Thinking bout weddings,
I don't WANT to make it,
it hurts me to hear you ask.

Thinking about integrity...



I am not really sure where I stand these days... I used to believe in self sacrifice, but I did so believing that the relationship had time to repair, that I was strong enough, that we were. So what happens when you don't have a guarantee of rebuilding? When it comes down to my heart vs their heart.

You shouldn't let other people get your kicks for you

Its been quite an intense last few weeks.
I bought the second and third in the hunger games series tonight because I figure I owe myself a little relaxing easy reading.
People are concerned about me, its weird, I'm doing well.
School and SoT and friendships and family stuff are all over the place.
My coworkers got in a fight today and there was some cursing.
Maybe because everything feels chaotic I am comfortable being a little more  forgiving of myself.

I really want some candy and an iced beverage of some sort, but I have actually done really well these last few weeks without it. Its hard to go to movies without an icee and a snack, hard to not have dessert, and not to munch on candy during evals, and not to add an extra table spoon of sugar to my coffee, but it feels nice too to set a goal and follow through.

I haven't done as well with the exercising piece. Sometimes I am too tired, sometimes it just seems boring to work out.

I've been cat sitting Jess' cat Casio for a few weeks, it has been really nice. 

I feel like a lot of the cool or interesting things going on in my life are not things I can write about on here. I don't want people coming to this website and learning about my students, or things, but at the same time when your life is not for the public, what do you blog about?

These are from two years ago

the long list of to dos

I was trying on shirts at a department store today. 

White button down formal wear, you know the kind, the kind you'd wear to your brother's wedding.

Which reminds me, both my brothers, my step sister and one of my brother's friends were outside the changing room. A look in the mirror and my anxiety suddenly sky rocketed. I don't know what other people see, but I don't see me sometimes when I look in the mirror, or maybe I do, I can't really tell... I see an old bloated man, the kind my Grampa turned into before he died... or maybe he had always been. The kind Lacey describes her dad as being, the kind I joked I would turn into before she got upset with me yesterday, the kind I am worried I already am... all skinny arms and legs and giant gut.

And with my whatever racing, I wasn't really able to concentrate on anything else. 

It hasn't happened in such a long time, that it caught me off guard. This is what I am feeling... the need to escape. 

I don't want to describe the scene, because even then I knew it was silly... I knew my brother's friend had probably double my weight. And I know people think of me as skinny, but I couldn't concentrate on anything that made sense, not the comments from my step sister saying its not me, but the shirt and the pants that don't fit right... but I didn't fit right in any of it, didn't fit in the dressing room, didn't fit in this body, just didn't fit. 

Since then I have been thinking of what I can cut out of my diet for at least the next three weeks, no candy, no desserts, less sugar in my coffee, less pop and no more icees and arctic rushes and berry cherry chillers. And I can exercise, I don't quite think I can walk to work, but I can start walking places... and I can lift the 10 lb weights I have in my room, and I can do little routines, little exercise regiments. 

I don't think I can make big body changes in three weeks, but maybe I can tone my muscles just enough that I feel confident, work them, just enough to lift certain things, and make me feel stronger, make me feel a little more confident in a shirt and tie, standing up straight, with a little less gut than three weeks before. 

Add that to my list and I have quite the set of goals for the next month... maybe one of the most stressful months...  

goodluck me.

Something I am obsessed with

So obviously I spend a lot of time thinking about love, attraction, relationships, dependency etc. I started this very young, I remember in preschool wondering how close I should become with a group of boys who were all rough and tumble, amongst that group I met my best guy friend of the last 24 years. Even then though I remember wondering if I should be drawing closer to the competitive boy's games or role playing with the girls. At that same day care, by 5 I was given special privileges that included not having to take nap time (as I was older than many of the other kids). I was later accompanied by the two girls I liked the most, and we would play various imagination games or draw together.

I don't know if I would call it a crush, but I liked them even then. I felt drawn to them in ways I didn't feel drawn to the boys, later this same feeling made me question my gender orientation, because I just felt more comfy around the ladies. 

So as you may already know I have been contemplating a lot of relationships lately (my own and others) just what connects them? What causes them to "rush in" to commitment? What causes attraction at a friend level vs a romantic level?

Its a seriously fascinating and sometimes tormenting subject.

This article has some interesting ideas

I am really intrigued by oxytocin. I think I am an addict for it, but even then I wonder why in some ways it displays itself romantically and in other ways just friendly...

There have been so many times in my life where I walked into a situation with one feeling and then upon connecting with another (sometimes like just their presence) I was immediately overcome with waves of calm, affectionate feelings, like I longed to take care of them. To touch them or tell them things, or just stare at them and enjoy their presence. 

In some of these cases I was determined to NOT love them, and couldn't help myself like my mind just switched positions...

But why is it with some folks and not others?

What is the role of safety and defensiveness?

How much is in the willful intention and how much is in the natural chemistry?

11:11

* 2 people told me I need a girl friend today

* My schedule for the week is almost full, Wednesday and Saturday are still open but I have calls out

* I accomplished most of the things on my list today

* My external hard drive might not work, which is the most scary thing, because I never got the information off it.

* I wrote, read and painted today

That is a picture from the other day... I am going to become a farmer.

I have no idea why people are subscribed to this piece of shit blog

9:30 in the morning and i'm already feeling sorry for myself... sort of pathetic.
SoT at 11:00, no May Day Parade due to weather. Need to do a one to one. Have three things to do for work before tomorrow. So likely spend all afternoon at a coffee shop.
Avengers was good, ran into Jessica and her boy which is hilarious.

"So each day would be new I build you to sleep
That's the idea of dying but you'll just have to see
You can do what you want or so you think
But till you stop all your thoughts
You are tied to your surroundings"

This is a track that was only on the Japanese version of the cd

I've got a million to choose from
A million ways things could be
In dull moments I feel like
There's a million options I see

The trouble is choosing one
The trouble is doing one
A slave in the fields one night
He's running along
Gets far enough to be a free man
And he's feeling so strong
That's how actions should be
Freeing
Step after step is our only choice in a walk
When we run at the mouth we jump back and forth
There's only one place I'm going
There's only one destiny
And if my mind tells me otherwise
Then it's a poor guide for me
All of the energy in life
Is nothing more than a spark in a fire
The whole course of time is the blink of an eye
Rain in the slums
Ah Yom
Into the cards
Aum Yaum
Rain in the slums
Aum Yaum
Into another world
Aum Yaum

(There is some buzz on the internet about what Aum Yaum "ah yom" is supposed to mean, some say it is his anglicized spelling of a hebrew term, while others take the "aum" part to be a  hindu reference, perhaps both as the album jumps back and forth from different spiritual teachings?)

dunn bros 2012

the morning after

We should be thankful who we are
Whether we know ourselves or not
Walking alongside myself
Neither of us listens very well

(not the first time I have posted this)

Here is a  another frusciante song I like to sing

I want to again be holding hands, with you under water

and could we get a second chance, go back and start over

Spent a lot of time last night contemplating how to be true to oneself. 

Illy and I talked about the things we are and are not honest about with each other.  Not like we listed them, A B and C, but discussed the topic of holding back.

It reminded me of that moment in every romantic relationship I have had where I realized that there was a choice to be made. Avenue A leads to a deeper connection, scary because revealing secrets could  perhaps lead to rejection. Avenue B is going on the same, and knowing the relationship won't last because you aren't putting anything into it. Except in this moment I wasn't scared. I didn't think for a second that our friendship wouldn't last, I didn't worry about rejection, I was troubled though that honesty even in the good soil, still takes such hard work.

My Dad once told me that the reason he and my Mom got divorced was not because he physically cheated on her, but rather that he was seeking intimate emotional support from another woman.  I am not sure how I feel about that, or rather I know that I reject that... and yet have seen it come up in many of my relationships.

Jealousy and insecurity get the best of us all. My Mom had invited her into our home, had attempted to become friends with her, to say "its okay to have friends, as long as we are open about the support we need"  but that wasn't the way of it in my father's concrete thinking... he was either with a woman heart soul body or not.  He left my Mom, for Colleen and near as I can tell, has very few intimate friendships left. 

I see people making this choice regularly. Its scary to me, because the downside is isolation, abuse, neglect and if the rejection should happen it is so much stronger.

My mom had plenty of intimate friends, who comforted her for the next decade, a decade in which she continued to raise 3 boys, bought a house, landscaped and added to the house, worked multiple jobs and went back to school for 4 years, took multiple trips around the world, often times including us etc. 

My Dad tried to solidify his family, tried a few bad business models, helped raise a step daughter, became a member of a church where he had many responsibilities, returned to the hardest job I have ever seen.

I think both of them are satisfied with their choices in life, but I'd like to take after my mom in this one.

That doesn't mean its easy.  I recall being pulled in different directions by people close to me. No regard on their end for the ripping effect, rippled out through the rest of my relationships, because in the moment I put them on hold (publicly) and in my torn heart continued to reach in both directions... but recognized that in those moments they didn't see me reaching... and pulled back.

The triage game no?  

Similar to the triage of work, but almost entirely a game played in the hearts.

how much a reaching hand can me.

a good one



don't know why that came to mind...

I don't like the amount of energy I put into distracting myself from thinking about certain people.  I wish it were easier to manifest the situations that my dreams endear to me.