days

I was going to write 11 days, but it jumped to 12 in the moment that passed.

Watching this

Telling people about this

Yesterday I was asked if I wanted to help create a life. More on that in the future.

 Tomorrow are two events, a board meeting for my company, and a public prayer vigil for my organization. Likely I will have to choose.  Likely I will try to make it to set up at the one, and then switch to the other. 

Summer school just has a few days left, and students and staff are both ready to be done. Its not that I am launching into projects or travel or anything big, just hard to maintain focus on something that is pretty much done for. The current incarnation of summer school is stripped down so much that I have a shit ton of time on my hands and basically it makes me bored, tired or absent minded... its like not enough is going on, so I get lazy. In college I needed to take extra classes so I would take any of my classes seriously, its like that.

I have been teaching debate, and there are a handful of kids that are learning, and some that seem to be flat out refusing to learn... which is annoying.

 I also have the kids that are frustrated by the fact that they are learning and would prefer something easier... but they come back the next day to do it again... so that's ok.

I have been eating a pound of fruit every day and haven't been working out.   I say the first thing because apparently I have lost weight, much to my surprise and completely contrary to my perception I am indeed not getting fatter. Must be the stress making me feel so big. I am not the only one, and that makes it easier for some reason. I have had several moments in the last few days where if I hadn't been trying so hard not to spiral into some sort of despair I would have.  Moments where I can't think anything but negative, can't find happiness or comfort... and it makes me really scared more than anything... scared that the sources I look to for comfort will diminish even more. 

I have been either pretending or actually have been ok.  I have a shit ton of support. I have people who want to talk and listen. But I don't really know why I am not drawn to them...  

I am reading a book called The Fifth Agreement and its interesting.  A sort of "attachment" leads to heartache, so choose your attachments carefully and remember they are fake when they start to hurt. I wish it were so easy. 

 I think the agreement piece is huge... all of our understandings come from agreements we have made as a society, or to ourselves.  Like the words I am typing are an agreement between us, I use these symbols, you recognize what you think is their meaning. But really they are just scribbled nonsense right? what is a "g" or any other symbol for that matter... it is nothing but the meaning we choose to ascribe to it right?  So... if someone says love, but acts in an unloving way, can't I choose to ignore the hurt and focus on the love?  or on the other hand recognize the action as the intent, regardless of the words?  

Its an interesting thought and heart piece. 

Perhaps if I was clearer in enforcing boundaries I wouldn't be in this place...

likewise perhaps if I was better at ignoring boundaries I wouldn't be here either... (but probably in a worse spot right?)

I have been really comforted by certain folks lately. Kind of makes my heart hurt more because some negative thing is telling me none of it lasts.