29

I just set a goal that I would blog for 30 days. I am not necessarily saying it will be this blog, as I do have something like 5 million different blogs, but I am setting a goal that I will try to write something of significance maybe a paragraph or several each day until August something or other. Also I wrote on here yesterday so its 29 days left. 

*An open honest update on life.

These are some of the things happening right now.

A) I am listening to Radiohead a lot lately (the last few days). It still makes me smile to remember that Becky used to think I hated them, though I had more of their cds than she did. It became sort of an inside joke over the years, she would pretend I still hated them, even when I had assured her that I was a fan. It was her weird cuteness.

B) Becky is getting married in a month. I am planning on attending the wedding and it is almost entirely because I had a dream in which I realized it would all be okay. I talked to her for several hours the other day on facebook chat and it was the longest we had talked in months. I don't know where our friendship will go but I appreciate that it feels good when it feels good. I am trying to be less judgmental and less possessive.

C) That is not going well. My possessiveness is coming out hardcore in one relationship in particular, its almost comical how strong it is. Its like a giant force of energy that wants to swallow this person up and keep them away from everything but me. Its awful. 

My judgment is something I am trying to learn to live with. I am not sure how other people, one in particular will learn to deal with it, but whats sad is that its really not all that extreme... it takes time to process, I sometimes have quick reactions, but for even the most awful things I have a hard time being angry or defensive for more than a week. I am protective, and hurt sometimes, but it doesn't always keep me from seeing the other person point of view. Once I have readjusted my understanding most anything seems somewhat reasonable... and that is something that I worry about more often than I worry about peoples actions.  

I worry that my leniency is what gets me in trouble, far more than my judgment. 

D) Distance.  I wonder if that's all we need right now.  My best friend, hurt and angry,  I imagine some day this will be the past. Things will get better, but I am not sure how to bridge it all... I think I need your help for that and so far things are too shifty  to find that foothold. 

I haven't given up, I just wonder if the distance is the only thing that can help right now.

E) Everything. I was remarking to Lacey how easily I lose myself because all of my grounding is so often based in others. So of course right now I am all over the place... no one knows, no one gets it. I am basing all of my decisions on what I think might be the right course of action... I act confident, I act immobile. Find myself in these moments where I just don't see anything right... total body dysmorphic nightmare, its like how the mirror projects, I am projecting... but I have no idea what is underneath and I think my confidence is based in how good the illusion is. 

F) Family, do I want to add a new member?

I haven't had the time to discuss this with anyone yet except my coworkers, I have my plans, Lacey on Friday, my Mom and Jess on Sat, we will see if I continue from there. A friend and her partner asked me to be their donor. To help add to their family, and in part to mine. Legally/financially I would be separate, they even have to pay me which is weird. But the rest is negotiable. I would not be the parent (but I could be part of the childs life). 

This is all assuming everything worked out, assuming I am fertile, and the doctors think its a good fit, and everyone goes through with it...

My first thought was "Yes!"   flattered and having the hardest time finding reasons to say No.

After a few days I have adjusted, I am still having a hard time trying to say NO, but my insecurities have gotten in the way. Who am I?  Why now, why like this? Is this just a vanity thing?

Its like all of the reasons to say NO, are about my insecurity and irresponsibility, but the reasons to say YES are about helping someone else fulfill their desires, so is that bad? Without me, they simply go to another person who is in the same position as I am... 

G) geez this is getting long... did I mark off all the things I wanted to talk about? I should change this to a list of 10. To J?

Tonight I was inspired by a speech my coworker gave to the board of our company. We normally feel like the relationship is hostile, but tonight I think she won the crowd over so easily. With her honesty, energy, spunk, and the proud relationship she has with our program. Not a barefoot Barcelonan, but a powerhouse. 

H) I am not sure SoT will ever really get where we envision it to go... there just doesn't seem to be a movement... but I really appreciate the people and the effort, and the songs.

I) Two things left to mention. I am reading the fifth agreement. It is inspiring to see yourself as the artist of your dreams, the mess you have made of life, just a painting. No big deal, no reason to take it personally. Just start a new canvass, after all you have bought too many from blicks and Michaels. Its really a nice idea that I can hold onto for a moment here and there. A moment to feel like maybe all my shame is just a manifestation of nothing, that I am truly perfect and that the things that seem so wrong are just -well nothing. They are illusions, an agreement I wrongfully made with myself to give the wrong name to a painting that is easily ignored, changed, discarded. 

But I don't know how to discard the parts of me that are soooo vicious. The parts that want me to feel tormented, ashamed etc. The moment I feel free, they push me to do something more insidious. So really its just a moment of light, and then back to the mixed gray, and occasionally the dark.

For instance last night, someone posted something on craigslist, that I responded to with an alternate email and I wrote out some pretty "kinky" things. This is more or less what my doctor suggested I do, find someone online. Make connections with others who are into similar things. No big deal in his mind, no big deal right?  But I was sitting there thinking about all the people who would gasp if they found out I sent that email.  What if it could get traced back to me? 

I wrote on another blog once that the sin of my lust, is not that I am into kink, the sin is that it makes me so ashamed that I cannot interact in the light. That I can't recognize my own perfection (5th agreement language).  I wrote that because a young person had commented on the blog that he hated himself... and hearing the same language I wanted to clarify that he wasn't evil or bad or anything... the damage is in the doubt that impairs relationships, isolates, incriminates.

J) My balance is off, and I am having a harder time not falling in someones direction. The trouble is I don't know who can steer me back. I have no counter, and I am entirely reliant, and oh the embrace of being dependent.  This is cathexis caused by the absence of others.  Yet not. Entirely the same direction as the first time I laid eyes, hard to know what is the imagination of the head and that of the heart.

And though I delve into these fantasies, equally I fear, sooner or later they'll all  hate me for it.