thinking about fertility

SO I could write about batman, spiderman, board games, conversations on education and the history of the world. I could talk about how I miss teaching or how I am trying to learn to be ok with sitting in a place and not thinking about whether or not it is productive. Enjoy multiple forms of lounging, not just sitting in  your room or reading at a coffee shop... these are the things I have been doing.

But primarily my inner thoughts have been coming back to this one issue. Am I fertile?
I am going to be taking a test soon, to see if I have the potential to be a good partner in an endeavor to create a human being.  To create, but first these tests, I passed the first, or rather I chose YES, next its legal matters (in a minute) and then fertility, followed by dr screening.  Then actual attempts I guess. All of which are tests, all pass/fail.
The trouble is that each passed test pushes me further into the "this is something I want to do" category, builds up pressure and excitement for the next... and what if I run into a road block?
Then do I daydream, prepare, consider for nothing?

What do I do if I don't pass this fertility test? Do I ask for a re-do?

How many attempts before they exclude me from the process?

Lacey suggested I write about this, maybe write a book about the process, the thought process and the real process and the research or something.

So I have been looking into these fertility kits, they test for at least 20,000 million sperm count in a sample that should contain anywhere from 20 million to a hundred million.

Its been hot out. I switch to boxers. I have been trying to eat fruits and veggies and drink lots of water. I need to get some exercise and lots of sleep and not be stressed.
But what if that doesn't end up being enough?
All my cousins and uncles seemed to have no problems, maybe I am genetically set.
But maybe my cell phone and lap top have hurt my chances. Maybe this damn cyst which seems to dully ache daily will turn out to be a factor after all. Maybe my poor sugar and salt diet is an issue, or the fact that i am lean, but fat in all the wrong places...

So, if I am... what then?
DO I want to see this kid once a week, once a month, once a year?
Do I want to ask to be a God parent, an uncle, a family friend?
Do I trust myself to be there, to contribute, to be good?
What if I screw up?

What if something happens and I love the child and it is taken away from me?
What if something happens and I leave the child after creating a relationship?

What if something happens to the child?


This is something I want though. I think I am pretty sure this is a spectacular opportunity.