the long list of to dos

I was trying on shirts at a department store today. 

White button down formal wear, you know the kind, the kind you'd wear to your brother's wedding.

Which reminds me, both my brothers, my step sister and one of my brother's friends were outside the changing room. A look in the mirror and my anxiety suddenly sky rocketed. I don't know what other people see, but I don't see me sometimes when I look in the mirror, or maybe I do, I can't really tell... I see an old bloated man, the kind my Grampa turned into before he died... or maybe he had always been. The kind Lacey describes her dad as being, the kind I joked I would turn into before she got upset with me yesterday, the kind I am worried I already am... all skinny arms and legs and giant gut.

And with my whatever racing, I wasn't really able to concentrate on anything else. 

It hasn't happened in such a long time, that it caught me off guard. This is what I am feeling... the need to escape. 

I don't want to describe the scene, because even then I knew it was silly... I knew my brother's friend had probably double my weight. And I know people think of me as skinny, but I couldn't concentrate on anything that made sense, not the comments from my step sister saying its not me, but the shirt and the pants that don't fit right... but I didn't fit right in any of it, didn't fit in the dressing room, didn't fit in this body, just didn't fit. 

Since then I have been thinking of what I can cut out of my diet for at least the next three weeks, no candy, no desserts, less sugar in my coffee, less pop and no more icees and arctic rushes and berry cherry chillers. And I can exercise, I don't quite think I can walk to work, but I can start walking places... and I can lift the 10 lb weights I have in my room, and I can do little routines, little exercise regiments. 

I don't think I can make big body changes in three weeks, but maybe I can tone my muscles just enough that I feel confident, work them, just enough to lift certain things, and make me feel stronger, make me feel a little more confident in a shirt and tie, standing up straight, with a little less gut than three weeks before. 

Add that to my list and I have quite the set of goals for the next month... maybe one of the most stressful months...  

goodluck me.