the morning after

We should be thankful who we are
Whether we know ourselves or not
Walking alongside myself
Neither of us listens very well

(not the first time I have posted this)

Here is a  another frusciante song I like to sing

I want to again be holding hands, with you under water

and could we get a second chance, go back and start over

Spent a lot of time last night contemplating how to be true to oneself. 

Illy and I talked about the things we are and are not honest about with each other.  Not like we listed them, A B and C, but discussed the topic of holding back.

It reminded me of that moment in every romantic relationship I have had where I realized that there was a choice to be made. Avenue A leads to a deeper connection, scary because revealing secrets could  perhaps lead to rejection. Avenue B is going on the same, and knowing the relationship won't last because you aren't putting anything into it. Except in this moment I wasn't scared. I didn't think for a second that our friendship wouldn't last, I didn't worry about rejection, I was troubled though that honesty even in the good soil, still takes such hard work.

My Dad once told me that the reason he and my Mom got divorced was not because he physically cheated on her, but rather that he was seeking intimate emotional support from another woman.  I am not sure how I feel about that, or rather I know that I reject that... and yet have seen it come up in many of my relationships.

Jealousy and insecurity get the best of us all. My Mom had invited her into our home, had attempted to become friends with her, to say "its okay to have friends, as long as we are open about the support we need"  but that wasn't the way of it in my father's concrete thinking... he was either with a woman heart soul body or not.  He left my Mom, for Colleen and near as I can tell, has very few intimate friendships left. 

I see people making this choice regularly. Its scary to me, because the downside is isolation, abuse, neglect and if the rejection should happen it is so much stronger.

My mom had plenty of intimate friends, who comforted her for the next decade, a decade in which she continued to raise 3 boys, bought a house, landscaped and added to the house, worked multiple jobs and went back to school for 4 years, took multiple trips around the world, often times including us etc. 

My Dad tried to solidify his family, tried a few bad business models, helped raise a step daughter, became a member of a church where he had many responsibilities, returned to the hardest job I have ever seen.

I think both of them are satisfied with their choices in life, but I'd like to take after my mom in this one.

That doesn't mean its easy.  I recall being pulled in different directions by people close to me. No regard on their end for the ripping effect, rippled out through the rest of my relationships, because in the moment I put them on hold (publicly) and in my torn heart continued to reach in both directions... but recognized that in those moments they didn't see me reaching... and pulled back.

The triage game no?  

Similar to the triage of work, but almost entirely a game played in the hearts.

how much a reaching hand can me.