Right before I woke up I had a dream about Alexis.
We were sitting side by side looking at a photo album filled with all her favorite pictures and events. So many looked unfamiliar, many were new and I had to concentrate to keep up with the explanations. At one point she said her friends helped her trim down the amount of pictures in the book, she said that was why there were so few that I had been a part of. When they were looking at them they decided that the fact that I took 10 times more pictures than a normal person meant that I would have an unfair advantage so they limited it to just a few. That didn't bother me, I was too busy enjoying her presence.
Then my alarm went off. I was disappointed and spent the next 15 minutes in bed, in the shower I decided I need to try harder to move on with my life... (like that thought doesn't occur to me everyday).
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Shit son, its been a while... didn't notice sorry.
Well geez... I guess I am back in work mode and not thinking about your kind souls all that much... I did pray today for everyone... but thats beside the point.
What have I been doing that I haven't updated in a week?
I guess uh talking to people or something.
I just got really tired maybe I will wanna update tomorrow.
heres a website I have been going to a lot lately
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
that should keep you heathens entertained.
What have I been doing that I haven't updated in a week?
I guess uh talking to people or something.
I just got really tired maybe I will wanna update tomorrow.
heres a website I have been going to a lot lately
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
that should keep you heathens entertained.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Some Thoughts
Today was a crabby day... that being said it fits rather perfectly with some of the thoughts I had.
Me and Jessica went to see a movie that showed a lot of the worst of humanity. We left a little depressed about humans... I maintained that this is why the movie was good, still it doesn't help the mood right?
1)
I said this to her in the car, but the human mind/soul is a really interesting thing, we are capable of tremendous good and bad... and this seems to be the theme of my mind this summer. I am constantly perplexed by the idea that the same mind is capable of torture and social work, of saving lives and destroying them, and perhaps that in both cases the people may or may not feel that their actions were "good." I mean, I know social workers and teachers and doctors and counselors who at the end of the day aren't proud of the work they did, aren't sure that what they did was good... and I know that there are murderers and rapists and all sorts who think of themselves and their actions of that of a good person. So what does that mean?
Is it all relative?
Is a child molester all dependent on the societal circumstances that they live in? After all in some cultures and time periods it was considered normal and healthy.
Is someone who lets the water run an extra minute in the shower equally as guilty as someone who deprives another of water?
2) I was reading a draft of some chapters of my mom's book. Its a self help book based off her new counseling technique and centers around the idea of healing oneself so that one can act with integrity. Are there times when it is ok, or better, or human nature to want to act without integrity? Is a child who tortures an animal acting with integrity, what about one who is simply learning through dissection? Is a soldier who is following orders in a "just war" acting with integrity, what about an "unjust war"? Is a teacher who yells at a student for acting out, acting with integrity even if the child is justified in their frustration?
Are there times when acting without integrity is ok? Like lying to yourself or another to have a one night stand because you are horny if both people are doing it?
Is it ok to say "well its not hurting anyone" while doing something risky but exciting when perhaps, you are putting yourself(or your relationships) in a precarius situation?
*****update later***** Becky sometimes gets mad at me for thinking about everything sexually... but thats where my mind is sometimes... So for instance: At school we often talk about the issues surrounding the sex industry and sex and gender roles. At times I find myself teaching things I don't actually believe... or that I know are not always true. So for instance I told Illy this once... I understand that it is not a "cool" thing to yell out your car window at a woman walking the street... its immature possibly crude and very likely disrespectful not nessessarily because you are saying something rude, but perhaps just because yelling "hey beautiful" to someone doesn't give them any chance to respond, interact or react for that matter... yet I am sure there are some women who have not had that happen to them or havent had it happen to them in a while and that type of normally unwanted attention may actually remind them that they too are beautiful. Is one person's unwanted attention anothers wanted attention, either way it isn't nessesarily a good thing to act that way... another example I read from a book is this idea of objectifying people... when this happens people feel less a full human person... and more like an object... but are there not people who want that kind of attention?
When you are with a loved one do you not want them to see your sexiness and isn't it often dependent on mood rather than the way they act specifically? All the time I read casual encounters stuff on craigslist and see men women and all others posting about causal hook ups in which they want nothing more than sex... when they are in this mode they aren't asking "What do you do for a living?" or "What makes you feel passionate?" they are asking what gets you off? In what ways can you make me feel sexy? those arent statements that inquire about the well rounded human being that person is... not the person who acts with integrity... just the fuck fiend (in all of us).
3)
Are there times when its ok to have negative feelings and act upon them?
For instance I was crabby today, and if I had been focused on having a positive time, healing myself, acting with integrity... I might not have been crabby, I might not have done some of the actions I did based on being crabby... but am I never entitled to my crabbiness, my depression, my anxiety, my fear, my guilt, shame, grief, rage or anger? Must I always act assertively and with integrity, or is it ok to act shy and passive aggressive... or pissed off and jealous.
Am I responsible for the actions I commit when under these negative feelings? Sure, but do I hold others to that standard, sometimes.
4)
When someone puts you or your situation at risk, do you have the right to hold it against them?
This could range from Person A is affecting my relationship with Person B, or it could be Person C is going to fuck up my job, or Person D is threatening my country, or Person E is acting in a way that threatens my sensibilities of what is right.
Is it ok to hold it against them when they truly believe they are doing the right thing?
Those are some thoughts
Me and Jessica went to see a movie that showed a lot of the worst of humanity. We left a little depressed about humans... I maintained that this is why the movie was good, still it doesn't help the mood right?
1)
I said this to her in the car, but the human mind/soul is a really interesting thing, we are capable of tremendous good and bad... and this seems to be the theme of my mind this summer. I am constantly perplexed by the idea that the same mind is capable of torture and social work, of saving lives and destroying them, and perhaps that in both cases the people may or may not feel that their actions were "good." I mean, I know social workers and teachers and doctors and counselors who at the end of the day aren't proud of the work they did, aren't sure that what they did was good... and I know that there are murderers and rapists and all sorts who think of themselves and their actions of that of a good person. So what does that mean?
Is it all relative?
Is a child molester all dependent on the societal circumstances that they live in? After all in some cultures and time periods it was considered normal and healthy.
Is someone who lets the water run an extra minute in the shower equally as guilty as someone who deprives another of water?
2) I was reading a draft of some chapters of my mom's book. Its a self help book based off her new counseling technique and centers around the idea of healing oneself so that one can act with integrity. Are there times when it is ok, or better, or human nature to want to act without integrity? Is a child who tortures an animal acting with integrity, what about one who is simply learning through dissection? Is a soldier who is following orders in a "just war" acting with integrity, what about an "unjust war"? Is a teacher who yells at a student for acting out, acting with integrity even if the child is justified in their frustration?
Are there times when acting without integrity is ok? Like lying to yourself or another to have a one night stand because you are horny if both people are doing it?
Is it ok to say "well its not hurting anyone" while doing something risky but exciting when perhaps, you are putting yourself(or your relationships) in a precarius situation?
*****update later***** Becky sometimes gets mad at me for thinking about everything sexually... but thats where my mind is sometimes... So for instance: At school we often talk about the issues surrounding the sex industry and sex and gender roles. At times I find myself teaching things I don't actually believe... or that I know are not always true. So for instance I told Illy this once... I understand that it is not a "cool" thing to yell out your car window at a woman walking the street... its immature possibly crude and very likely disrespectful not nessessarily because you are saying something rude, but perhaps just because yelling "hey beautiful" to someone doesn't give them any chance to respond, interact or react for that matter... yet I am sure there are some women who have not had that happen to them or havent had it happen to them in a while and that type of normally unwanted attention may actually remind them that they too are beautiful. Is one person's unwanted attention anothers wanted attention, either way it isn't nessesarily a good thing to act that way... another example I read from a book is this idea of objectifying people... when this happens people feel less a full human person... and more like an object... but are there not people who want that kind of attention?
When you are with a loved one do you not want them to see your sexiness and isn't it often dependent on mood rather than the way they act specifically? All the time I read casual encounters stuff on craigslist and see men women and all others posting about causal hook ups in which they want nothing more than sex... when they are in this mode they aren't asking "What do you do for a living?" or "What makes you feel passionate?" they are asking what gets you off? In what ways can you make me feel sexy? those arent statements that inquire about the well rounded human being that person is... not the person who acts with integrity... just the fuck fiend (in all of us).
3)
Are there times when its ok to have negative feelings and act upon them?
For instance I was crabby today, and if I had been focused on having a positive time, healing myself, acting with integrity... I might not have been crabby, I might not have done some of the actions I did based on being crabby... but am I never entitled to my crabbiness, my depression, my anxiety, my fear, my guilt, shame, grief, rage or anger? Must I always act assertively and with integrity, or is it ok to act shy and passive aggressive... or pissed off and jealous.
Am I responsible for the actions I commit when under these negative feelings? Sure, but do I hold others to that standard, sometimes.
4)
When someone puts you or your situation at risk, do you have the right to hold it against them?
This could range from Person A is affecting my relationship with Person B, or it could be Person C is going to fuck up my job, or Person D is threatening my country, or Person E is acting in a way that threatens my sensibilities of what is right.
Is it ok to hold it against them when they truly believe they are doing the right thing?
Those are some thoughts
Saturday, August 15, 2009
I think I forget about this
With Pete back in town, there are a lot more group activities. More gatherings... this is to be expected and on the first or second night home I stayed up with Pete discussing this effect he has on people. I mentioned it in the positive, and though I still maintain that it is a wonderful trait, I forgot one part of the group dynamic is the inevitable moment in which you realize that perhaps you aren't needed there. Its not that you aren't wanted, loved, cared for... its just that people can focus their attention on the others at any moment... and for someone like me who primarily hangs with one or two people at a time (getting their full attention)... this is a really uncomfortable feeling.
I assume everyone feels that way. I assume I made others feel that way tonight. Now its my turn, and I retreat to my room (like a pouting child or angsty teen). When I think about it, it is this feeling that makes me avoid groups NOT what I would normally say which is that it is hard to get to know people or have real conversations... that may be true too sometimes but primarily it is the fact that sometimes those conversations don't directly involve me... and my ego feels left out. Right now several of my friends are having fun in various locations of my house... but they are fully happy without my presence.
So I write here... a form of insecurity and jealousy arisen, why would anyone want to feel that arounf their friends?
Rather feel left out without being there in the first place and having it so obvious.
I assume everyone feels that way. I assume I made others feel that way tonight. Now its my turn, and I retreat to my room (like a pouting child or angsty teen). When I think about it, it is this feeling that makes me avoid groups NOT what I would normally say which is that it is hard to get to know people or have real conversations... that may be true too sometimes but primarily it is the fact that sometimes those conversations don't directly involve me... and my ego feels left out. Right now several of my friends are having fun in various locations of my house... but they are fully happy without my presence.
So I write here... a form of insecurity and jealousy arisen, why would anyone want to feel that arounf their friends?
Rather feel left out without being there in the first place and having it so obvious.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Sunday, August 09, 2009
As polite as I may be, no one wants to hear me walk around singing "Alice in my fantasies. "
I will not provide context for any of the following photos except to say two brides are pictured in interesting poses.
Well... I had a good weekend so far.
Uh lets just say we seriously considered letting the tornado sober cab us to the hotel.
I got nothing to say really, spent most of the night with Nate and Kate and flirted with Julia as always. Took some pictures.
The evening before I got caught up in the middle of the night thinking about friends...
Its weird to feel sorrow and joy at the same time... pleasure isn't supposed to break your heart, but I been brought to tears with love a time or two.
Gonna take more pictures tonight and not take tequila shots.
Also dead nazis have to be mixed well or they taste like awful.
Well... I had a good weekend so far.
Uh lets just say we seriously considered letting the tornado sober cab us to the hotel.
I got nothing to say really, spent most of the night with Nate and Kate and flirted with Julia as always. Took some pictures.
The evening before I got caught up in the middle of the night thinking about friends...
Its weird to feel sorrow and joy at the same time... pleasure isn't supposed to break your heart, but I been brought to tears with love a time or two.
Gonna take more pictures tonight and not take tequila shots.
Also dead nazis have to be mixed well or they taste like awful.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Friendship is such a weird thing. After years of having friends you'd think you'd be used to it but no. A struggle and a joy.
Tonight I was surrounded by some friends, getting to know new ones, regaling stories of old ones, missing ones and lost ones. I spent part of the night wondering about some. Worried about some. Feeling guilty about some. I spent the entire evening with my best guy friend, who for the most part has been absent for 7 years of my life, yet I love him still. I spent time wondering if some of these friends would remain close, and why I only see some every 6 months, yet if I were to think about people who I enjoyed (genuinely) they would be on that list. I spent time considering whether I would see certain loved ones again, or whether it was too informal (or stepping on toes) to sign "I love you -mike" instead of just "love -mike" in the book of one whom I do love. I discussed the future of friendships and why it wasn't as easy with someone who just returned and how though I wish he would make it easy again... it might not be possible without a commitment, or simply because I was so unable (afraid) or so busy(exhausted). Four friends texted or called me tonight while I was unable to hear my phone. A friend of loved friend, drunkenly told me that when she was writing her speech, she just tried to channel what I would say... and though I never met this woman, I felt touched, and then I felt like a bad friend because I could remember very little about this friend and former roommate of my friend. A friend told me I needed to stop feeling bad about another friend, because I need to live my own life, but I am not sure I am capable. When people were gathering at the tables, I saw the spots diminishing one by one, and noted that there were only 4 spots left and 3 extra people(7 total). I could have taken the spots but I didn't want anyone else to feel left out... so I continued to let them go. Some friends are getting married tomorrow. Part of me wants to go, part of me feels obligated, part of me doesn't want to go. I have no excuse and so I will probably go... but I will never be the life of the party, just the one who makes sure everyone has a seat.
I know its odd, but I miss her already.
Tonight I was surrounded by some friends, getting to know new ones, regaling stories of old ones, missing ones and lost ones. I spent part of the night wondering about some. Worried about some. Feeling guilty about some. I spent the entire evening with my best guy friend, who for the most part has been absent for 7 years of my life, yet I love him still. I spent time wondering if some of these friends would remain close, and why I only see some every 6 months, yet if I were to think about people who I enjoyed (genuinely) they would be on that list. I spent time considering whether I would see certain loved ones again, or whether it was too informal (or stepping on toes) to sign "I love you -mike" instead of just "love -mike" in the book of one whom I do love. I discussed the future of friendships and why it wasn't as easy with someone who just returned and how though I wish he would make it easy again... it might not be possible without a commitment, or simply because I was so unable (afraid) or so busy(exhausted). Four friends texted or called me tonight while I was unable to hear my phone. A friend of loved friend, drunkenly told me that when she was writing her speech, she just tried to channel what I would say... and though I never met this woman, I felt touched, and then I felt like a bad friend because I could remember very little about this friend and former roommate of my friend. A friend told me I needed to stop feeling bad about another friend, because I need to live my own life, but I am not sure I am capable. When people were gathering at the tables, I saw the spots diminishing one by one, and noted that there were only 4 spots left and 3 extra people(7 total). I could have taken the spots but I didn't want anyone else to feel left out... so I continued to let them go. Some friends are getting married tomorrow. Part of me wants to go, part of me feels obligated, part of me doesn't want to go. I have no excuse and so I will probably go... but I will never be the life of the party, just the one who makes sure everyone has a seat.
I know its odd, but I miss her already.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Si for the Tarantulees
I was listening to some Mars Volta and now I am listening to spanish holiday music for the Semana Santa Festival. Its very epic and spanish. I spent a night wandering along the river in Sevilla wondering what that music was and how I could keep it in my heart, but now I just settle for youtube. Sometimes I feel like there is this old music playing in my soul, like as a baby I hummed this or something. I know I used to hum classical music to myself, but the richness of this stuff is incredible and feels like home and like heaven and it makes me understand the pagenantry of Catholicism in a way I never could before. None of this is what I wanted to talk about tonight... but what did I have to say really? A list of goals maybe, or a list of hopes, or a list of things that have happened lately. Pete has returned, I didn't make it to the play, I forgot to call my dad back, Rachel is moving to the cities, I spent some time with Jess V last night and it reminded me of what I am missing not having a girl friend... even though we spent half the time talking about potential partners or in her case (her partner) well actually I talked more than I should. The other day was Alexis' birthday and I missed dating her. I was telling Jess it felt like dating a rock star sometimes, everything was exciting and challenging, and yes sometimes that was annoying and overkill, but it also felt really amazing to know that someone that exciting liked me. Hard to find that again. But maybe I am just afraid of starting over. I know I have been holding myself back a lot. Something occurred to me the other day and that is, I have never had a girlfriend while becky was around. Maybe for a month but then I left. I don't know how it would be. I also feel like I have so many friends now that count on me in some way and I already don't spend enough time with them... my tendency with girlfriends is to be intense and hibernate with them... how will people react if I do that? Something also occurred to me after I spent a few hours talking with Jess because I always wonder why i am so weird around her... and this thought has been said before.. but I tend to believe people fall in love with me for what I can do for them and not for who I am... but I feel uncomfortable around people until I win them over... and then just assume if I share too much they will go away. OH well... heres some things I need to do next week: Buy new shoes, weights, art supplies and any other clothes I need, get my brakes fixed, clean my car, make a dentist appointment, do my laundry, clean my room, see friends, go to some weddings, see my fam, help someone move and possibly go camping.
Monday, August 03, 2009
some stuff
First off) I have really bad circulation or something... so if I die any time soon or in the future remember it was a good ride and that I wasn't all I was cracked up to be.
Second) I am bored but don't really want to do anything.
Third) is there anything to do?
Fourth) too many pretty girls in the world.
Fifth) I told Lacey tonight that I sometimes wished I would take more risks when I was younger, I know that in ten years I will have that same thought about this time period... but I still don't do it.
Second) I am bored but don't really want to do anything.
Third) is there anything to do?
Fourth) too many pretty girls in the world.
Fifth) I told Lacey tonight that I sometimes wished I would take more risks when I was younger, I know that in ten years I will have that same thought about this time period... but I still don't do it.
KT posted this
Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart?
As well as your body, and can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love?
As well as your folly and can you kneel before the king and say ‘I’m clean’, ‘I’m Clean’?
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?
Her white blank page & a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, affections
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart.
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart
Lead my to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
Lead my to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Its Sunday right?
Jessica before Benihana
Sarah and Pete at their Wedding 
The three lovely ladies I primarily hung out with at the wedding. 
The lovely ladies that took me to the zoo 
Rachel and her friend at the Shout House on her birthday.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Saw this tonight
Obviously I loved it... maybe hit a little close to home (I don't know why the video is so big, I tried to fix it and it wouldn't budge)
The song below (Carla Bruni's "Quelqu'un M'a Dit") is on the soundtrack as is a bunch of Regina Spektor
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Smaller notes from the other day
I think my idea of the ideal male body is changing to include some level of muscle (perhaps fat_ but balance seems to be a key ingredient in the ideal of both male and female forms.
I like the way the toothpaste gathers around my mouth when I brush my teeth giving me a sort of half clown make up smile, and though I wipe it away before anyone can see it, each morning it makes me happy.
I'm not sure sunglasses actually look good on anyone. A distraction at best, they tease, but perhaps to put a positive spin on the distasteful but functional item, they do offer a moment to indulge your imagination and envision the truth in a strangers masked face.
I love honest people, people who use their honesty to create and communicate rather than disgrace, a challenge but so as to embrace.
The woman here doesn't say anything when he sneezes but puts her cheek to his and her arm around his shoulder while staring together at the computer screen.
I like the way the toothpaste gathers around my mouth when I brush my teeth giving me a sort of half clown make up smile, and though I wipe it away before anyone can see it, each morning it makes me happy.
I'm not sure sunglasses actually look good on anyone. A distraction at best, they tease, but perhaps to put a positive spin on the distasteful but functional item, they do offer a moment to indulge your imagination and envision the truth in a strangers masked face.
I love honest people, people who use their honesty to create and communicate rather than disgrace, a challenge but so as to embrace.
The woman here doesn't say anything when he sneezes but puts her cheek to his and her arm around his shoulder while staring together at the computer screen.
Notes from the other day
What is bad-evil?
to be human is to be able to rationalize anything
does "bad" = hurting someone (what if it helps and hurts them?)
is the physical sense important (breaking the heart is less evil than assaulting someone) yet emotional abuse is more traumatic than physical abuse (by report)
is power, or power imbalance a necessary factor, can people of the same power level be evil to each other?
do trust and privacy matter?
is a betrayal (in secret) of trust or privacy a bad act if they never know...
is it somehow better if they know?
does one have to gain from the act?
******
I was annoying Lacey with my philosophical questioning, analyzing and rationalizing.
to be human is to be able to rationalize anything
does "bad" = hurting someone (what if it helps and hurts them?)
is the physical sense important (breaking the heart is less evil than assaulting someone) yet emotional abuse is more traumatic than physical abuse (by report)
is power, or power imbalance a necessary factor, can people of the same power level be evil to each other?
do trust and privacy matter?
is a betrayal (in secret) of trust or privacy a bad act if they never know...
is it somehow better if they know?
does one have to gain from the act?
******
I was annoying Lacey with my philosophical questioning, analyzing and rationalizing.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Oh GEEZ
Its amazing how reluctant I am right now to doing productive or responsible things.
Its like I am nervous or afraid of screwing them up.
The idea of making calls to fix things or check up on things or make plans or whatever... I dunno its weird.
Like work is scary.
But I like work, so why am I scared?
I have been through it why be reluctant?
Weird what a vacation can do to you.
Its like I am nervous or afraid of screwing them up.
The idea of making calls to fix things or check up on things or make plans or whatever... I dunno its weird.
Like work is scary.
But I like work, so why am I scared?
I have been through it why be reluctant?
Weird what a vacation can do to you.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
because I had two cups of coffee at 10-11 PM tonight
I am 99% sure I am going to wake up tomorrow feeling like I did when I woke up the first few times today
Nauseous
and that fuckin sucks!!!!!
Nauseous
and that fuckin sucks!!!!!
review
Looking back on the last few months of this blog I have two thoughts:
A) not enough color and not enough posts
B) you couldn't not rhyme even if you tried really really hard.
A) not enough color and not enough posts
B) you couldn't not rhyme even if you tried really really hard.
Things one thinks about upon waking.
Or at least I do.
Tattoos.
Suicide for a purpose.
Let me paint the picture for you.
For some reason when I woke up I was thinking about getting a tattoo, which seems perfectly reasonable in my book and thus I started designing that tattoo in my head. The idea was simple, it would look like a hole had been ripped open in my upper arm and that vines of all sorts were coming out and spreading down my arm or other places. I couldn't quite figure out why this appealed to me until I recognized what spreading vines mean to me, which is "hope," hope that even if things go wrong, my body can be reclaimed by the earth and that good things will be done with it. This would be on my left arm, the one the peace sign and heart are on, because the point is to remember these things first.
Honestly: I feel like this tattoo has done its job, and lately I have been thinking of what to put on my right arm. On my right arm in a similar place I have been thinking about getting my "taffyman" character holding a sign that says "be the change you wish to see" which is some cheesy bullshit I know but the idea of the taffyman character is that he is able to morph into what he wants, and in a similar fashion this tattoo would say to me, Mike you actually have to work to do the things you want to do. So on my left, the values I wish to believe in, the things I hold dear and the idea is patience and love rather than acting quickly and being angry... the right being the change, making the change I wish to see in the world... acting with integrity... on my left arm the vines spreading from inside saying "if nothing else, the world will reclaim you, love and beauty and life will reclaim you." and on the right... in a similar fashion...
the hole would be made by red and blue tubes and metal wires, twisting down my arm to challenge the taffyman character...
the change you wish to see vs the reality of this world the cold technology the hard and fast paced the obstructions and rationalizations, the excuses the modernity.
So that was the plan for the tattoo.... but I also woke up with a different thought which I wrote alot about elsewhere tonight which was this: Mike you have heard a million secrets and not one has ever phased you about the person or made you think worse... you couldn't judge because you feel worse than them. (which is another blog in itself)
but here is where the two come together...
the tattoos... the negativity.
If the purpose of the tattoos is to try to make myself better... and if I am worse than most people, aren't they more deserving of my body? Couldn't they use an arm, a leg, an eye, a liver more effectively and positively than I?
So I started thinking all 7 pounds (the movie)
what would be the most effective use of my life... and I started wondering if it were possible to give up these things before the "end" of my life would that be a good use?
Would it be better to give someone a second chance, or to improve their life if it meant ending mine?
Yes I have a martyrdom complex and always have (as far as I remember)... but I started planning out who to talk to and how to make that work... and this is all before I even got out of bed to check my e mail...
Well thats what morning thoughts are like.
Illy said to me, "you really obsess over the worst things" I said, exactly... so I am prepared.
Tattoos.
Suicide for a purpose.
Let me paint the picture for you.
For some reason when I woke up I was thinking about getting a tattoo, which seems perfectly reasonable in my book and thus I started designing that tattoo in my head. The idea was simple, it would look like a hole had been ripped open in my upper arm and that vines of all sorts were coming out and spreading down my arm or other places. I couldn't quite figure out why this appealed to me until I recognized what spreading vines mean to me, which is "hope," hope that even if things go wrong, my body can be reclaimed by the earth and that good things will be done with it. This would be on my left arm, the one the peace sign and heart are on, because the point is to remember these things first.
Honestly: I feel like this tattoo has done its job, and lately I have been thinking of what to put on my right arm. On my right arm in a similar place I have been thinking about getting my "taffyman" character holding a sign that says "be the change you wish to see" which is some cheesy bullshit I know but the idea of the taffyman character is that he is able to morph into what he wants, and in a similar fashion this tattoo would say to me, Mike you actually have to work to do the things you want to do. So on my left, the values I wish to believe in, the things I hold dear and the idea is patience and love rather than acting quickly and being angry... the right being the change, making the change I wish to see in the world... acting with integrity... on my left arm the vines spreading from inside saying "if nothing else, the world will reclaim you, love and beauty and life will reclaim you." and on the right... in a similar fashion...
the hole would be made by red and blue tubes and metal wires, twisting down my arm to challenge the taffyman character...
the change you wish to see vs the reality of this world the cold technology the hard and fast paced the obstructions and rationalizations, the excuses the modernity.
So that was the plan for the tattoo.... but I also woke up with a different thought which I wrote alot about elsewhere tonight which was this: Mike you have heard a million secrets and not one has ever phased you about the person or made you think worse... you couldn't judge because you feel worse than them. (which is another blog in itself)
but here is where the two come together...
the tattoos... the negativity.
If the purpose of the tattoos is to try to make myself better... and if I am worse than most people, aren't they more deserving of my body? Couldn't they use an arm, a leg, an eye, a liver more effectively and positively than I?
So I started thinking all 7 pounds (the movie)
what would be the most effective use of my life... and I started wondering if it were possible to give up these things before the "end" of my life would that be a good use?
Would it be better to give someone a second chance, or to improve their life if it meant ending mine?
Yes I have a martyrdom complex and always have (as far as I remember)... but I started planning out who to talk to and how to make that work... and this is all before I even got out of bed to check my e mail...
Well thats what morning thoughts are like.
Illy said to me, "you really obsess over the worst things" I said, exactly... so I am prepared.
Is it weird to be attracted to a whole family?
Listening to the Ode to the Roddes Family again lately...
I love them musically and all but I can't listen to them and not imagine their beautiful faces. Three children all gorgeous all kind of different looking. When I first saw them I had no idea they were siblings until I saw the way they looked at eachother... like they knew everything about each other... like they couldn't have been more comfortable. Then it was the eyes and the smiles and the noses and the cheeks and the jaw structure and it all came together before they announced it. In my mind this is what angels look like... because they dress in old style clothes and somewhat dirty looking but with angelic looks all types of innocent and slightly devious. But also I really wish there were more bands in the area that played that kind of music.
I love them musically and all but I can't listen to them and not imagine their beautiful faces. Three children all gorgeous all kind of different looking. When I first saw them I had no idea they were siblings until I saw the way they looked at eachother... like they knew everything about each other... like they couldn't have been more comfortable. Then it was the eyes and the smiles and the noses and the cheeks and the jaw structure and it all came together before they announced it. In my mind this is what angels look like... because they dress in old style clothes and somewhat dirty looking but with angelic looks all types of innocent and slightly devious. But also I really wish there were more bands in the area that played that kind of music.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Why am I awake
6:09 and I have been awake for at least half an hour.
Thinking thoughts on the future, the present and sometimes the past.
I know it was the cats that woke me and my roommate running back and forth that kept me awake... but now it is quiet except in my head.
Why am I not sleeping?
I did not have extra caffeine last night.
I do not have any pressing matters.
I am not concerned for anyone's safety.
I am not accustomed to being awake at this time.
It makes me want to write but I don't really have the patience.
Oh well...
Thinking thoughts on the future, the present and sometimes the past.
I know it was the cats that woke me and my roommate running back and forth that kept me awake... but now it is quiet except in my head.
Why am I not sleeping?
I did not have extra caffeine last night.
I do not have any pressing matters.
I am not concerned for anyone's safety.
I am not accustomed to being awake at this time.
It makes me want to write but I don't really have the patience.
Oh well...
Sunday, July 19, 2009
an update of general props
Well I finally started putting recorded music on my computer. This mostly consists of whatever I have accidentally recorded while fucking around on my guitar. The tracks are really inconsistent, there are very few actual chords and a lot of me trying to play percussion on my guitar while strumming a few notes randomly.
Along with this I uploaded the music program that comes with the recorder. So far I have no idea how to use it. My goal is to start making some songs (computer made) or something... but I don't know that I have the right equipment.
I slept for several hours today. Most of the morning and the afternoon.
I decided that if someone ever asked me to describe someone who really lived life I would describe laurel. I also decided that no one writes in blogs anymore. I don't know if its become less popular or if they just dont have anything to say or they are busy... but about 80% of the blogs I used to read have become inactive... more inactive than even this one.
I worry that I will not do anything with this month off.
Yet I am not ready to get down to the productive or creative things I am supposed to do yet...
So I bought some computer games to fill in the space between... so that I am not tempted to sleep like I have been doing.
Along with this I uploaded the music program that comes with the recorder. So far I have no idea how to use it. My goal is to start making some songs (computer made) or something... but I don't know that I have the right equipment.
I slept for several hours today. Most of the morning and the afternoon.
I decided that if someone ever asked me to describe someone who really lived life I would describe laurel. I also decided that no one writes in blogs anymore. I don't know if its become less popular or if they just dont have anything to say or they are busy... but about 80% of the blogs I used to read have become inactive... more inactive than even this one.
I worry that I will not do anything with this month off.
Yet I am not ready to get down to the productive or creative things I am supposed to do yet...
So I bought some computer games to fill in the space between... so that I am not tempted to sleep like I have been doing.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
some things are harder to enforce than others
When a student is bored,
because say; the video isn’t loading properly on the computer projection screen,
leaving all to behold the great projected blank scene
with an “in progress” hourglass they have no doubt witnessed
several million times in their short short lives
and thus they are being educated with more of the same, it remains
their duty to sit still and attentive. Right?
And when the room is full of sweaty 16-18 year olds,
And the temperature inside is hotter than out,
And there is a fan, but its barely swiveling about,
And it’s the last hour in the day,
and even the computer seems to be wasting away
and the directions have been given, so that mostly we are all just sitting
waiting for time to pass on that hourglass…
well they are still in class so it’s their job to pay attention.
When there isn’t a hand out, When the chalk board has run out,
of helpful hints, that they just squinted for,
but their notebooks are gathered on their laps,
and they are told to “STOP” when their pen starts its taps,
When the teacher has gone through each every point and the only thing left is to wait for the fucking hourglass to turn back to the arrow point
Its still not time to play
So if you talk too much you will be sent away… because laughing and joking and showing your boredom is an affront to us all and doesn’t help the situation.
because say; the video isn’t loading properly on the computer projection screen,
leaving all to behold the great projected blank scene
with an “in progress” hourglass they have no doubt witnessed
several million times in their short short lives
and thus they are being educated with more of the same, it remains
their duty to sit still and attentive. Right?
And when the room is full of sweaty 16-18 year olds,
And the temperature inside is hotter than out,
And there is a fan, but its barely swiveling about,
And it’s the last hour in the day,
and even the computer seems to be wasting away
and the directions have been given, so that mostly we are all just sitting
waiting for time to pass on that hourglass…
well they are still in class so it’s their job to pay attention.
When there isn’t a hand out, When the chalk board has run out,
of helpful hints, that they just squinted for,
but their notebooks are gathered on their laps,
and they are told to “STOP” when their pen starts its taps,
When the teacher has gone through each every point and the only thing left is to wait for the fucking hourglass to turn back to the arrow point
Its still not time to play
So if you talk too much you will be sent away… because laughing and joking and showing your boredom is an affront to us all and doesn’t help the situation.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I wonder how many words I will use to describe us,
How many battlefields created and on display,
How many body parts torn asunder,
How many emotions spilt to waste away
Yet are we not entangled still
With your word, my mood can change as well
With your smile my stomach stills
With your hug my day is brightened
They still describe us,
Us as in inseparable, though separate we’ve been
They still note our calm demeanor
And awe at each comforted gesture
And don’t the phone calls mimic their words?
Aren’t we better off in concert
Though with claws we sometimes grasp
Do we not still hold each others hearts together?
How many battlefields created and on display,
How many body parts torn asunder,
How many emotions spilt to waste away
Yet are we not entangled still
With your word, my mood can change as well
With your smile my stomach stills
With your hug my day is brightened
They still describe us,
Us as in inseparable, though separate we’ve been
They still note our calm demeanor
And awe at each comforted gesture
And don’t the phone calls mimic their words?
Aren’t we better off in concert
Though with claws we sometimes grasp
Do we not still hold each others hearts together?
Hard to get back to sleep. Also really hungry.
My head is swirling with thoughts and conversations.
I really enjoy that sometimes, but because I don't want to actually be awake it is annoying. I wish it were like that this afternoon when I was wide awake and bored.
Nights like this prove to me that I really am a night person trapped in a day persons world.
I want some french silk pie... but no one is awake and that would take a lot of effort.
That song below is really fucking beautiful. I know its about something mythical and all, but there is something so human and touching about it too... despite the sad outcome its like aren't we all looking for that comfort (even sometimes blind to the destruction it may or may not cause)
Had some good conversations today and some good dreams too.
My head is swirling with thoughts and conversations.
I really enjoy that sometimes, but because I don't want to actually be awake it is annoying. I wish it were like that this afternoon when I was wide awake and bored.
Nights like this prove to me that I really am a night person trapped in a day persons world.
I want some french silk pie... but no one is awake and that would take a lot of effort.
That song below is really fucking beautiful. I know its about something mythical and all, but there is something so human and touching about it too... despite the sad outcome its like aren't we all looking for that comfort (even sometimes blind to the destruction it may or may not cause)
Had some good conversations today and some good dreams too.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Song to the Siren (tim buckley)
Long afloat on shipless oceans
I did all my best to smile
'Til your singing eyes and fingers
Drew me loving to your isle
And you sang sail to me, sail to me
Let me enfold you
Here I am, here I am
Waiting to hold you
Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you hare when I was fox?
Now my foolish boat is leaning
Broken lovelorn on your rocks
For you sing, touch me not
Touch me not, come back tomorrow
Oh my heart, oh my heart
Shies from the sorrow
I am as puzzled as the newborn child
I am as troubled as the tide
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or should I lie with death, my bride?
Hear me sing, swim to me
Swim to me, let me enfold you
Here I am, here I am
Waiting to hold you
I did all my best to smile
'Til your singing eyes and fingers
Drew me loving to your isle
And you sang sail to me, sail to me
Let me enfold you
Here I am, here I am
Waiting to hold you
Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you hare when I was fox?
Now my foolish boat is leaning
Broken lovelorn on your rocks
For you sing, touch me not
Touch me not, come back tomorrow
Oh my heart, oh my heart
Shies from the sorrow
I am as puzzled as the newborn child
I am as troubled as the tide
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or should I lie with death, my bride?
Hear me sing, swim to me
Swim to me, let me enfold you
Here I am, here I am
Waiting to hold you
When Death Becomes us
I just watched this (the Last Lecture), it was recommended to me by my step grandparents and though I don't specifically find any of the advice to be mind shattering, it does have me thinking.
I like some of the advice. I wonder what advice I have.
I recently read a book called The Speaker for the Dead, a science fiction novel in which people act as speakers for a dead person, not telling their life story, but their purpose. Telling the grieving or the audience what the person's motivations were... holding nothing back and at times being cruelly honest. I like the idea. I wish there was a way we could do that, both for the dead and the living.
Of course its harder with the living, not so final... but with the dead I like the idea of a legacy that fits, rather than a legacy that comforts, and yet, when thinking of the Last Lecture, what would I say if I could have one last lecture? I would try to comfort, give hope, be honest, but not dwell on misery and pain, nor guilt and suffering though I have caused these things... I would hope that people could learn something positive.
I like some of the advice. I wonder what advice I have.
I recently read a book called The Speaker for the Dead, a science fiction novel in which people act as speakers for a dead person, not telling their life story, but their purpose. Telling the grieving or the audience what the person's motivations were... holding nothing back and at times being cruelly honest. I like the idea. I wish there was a way we could do that, both for the dead and the living.
Of course its harder with the living, not so final... but with the dead I like the idea of a legacy that fits, rather than a legacy that comforts, and yet, when thinking of the Last Lecture, what would I say if I could have one last lecture? I would try to comfort, give hope, be honest, but not dwell on misery and pain, nor guilt and suffering though I have caused these things... I would hope that people could learn something positive.
The work that we do
Well its been about 11 days without a post. I am pretty sure it was a week or two before that series too. So I guess I owe ya one.
Whats up?
Good question, hmm... well, last week we returned to school. Summer school lasts for 1 month. 4 days a week of the same classes and then 1 day of independent work and projects. Thursdays we tend to go on a 1 hour field trip. Classes are supposed to be fun and interesting... I am teaching about the future, so far we have talked about 2012, Revelations/Judgment Day and zombie apocalypse. Next week we will look at other gloomy subjects like overpopulation, nuclear war, global pandemics, drought, etc. After that we may look at some demographic data, watch a video on what happens when humans are gone, and start to talk about future technology.
The class is going well I guess, but a lot of the students like to talk out of turn... so I will have to crack down on that a bit. Otherwise school is going well. I get out early and in general its pretty fun and non challenging. My homeroom has chosen to read POE and it made me realize that it takes work to deconstruct and analyze something if you havent read it before... the kids barely understand the language so I have to translate it... then help them with their analysis.
I have some students who wanted to jazz up the school website. So far they have adjusted the colors and updated it slightly... I guess in a few weeks we will add pictures, (video?) some student work and a few more pages to help bring us into the 20th century.
You can look up the school it is at lnas.org
What else...
Well generally when I am not writing it means I am complaining enough to other people. I have seen probably 15 different friends in the last few weeks... not all by seeking them out, but seems like a lot considering I haven't changed up my patterns too much.
Most days though, I get a smoothie from jamba juice and retreat to my room. Lately I have been watching The Wire, but I am only on season two, so don't tell me anything.
May or may not finish the book on faith that I was reading, also half reading a book on hip hop/urban/philanthropy etc... and just started a book on white provilege.
I wish I could say I had some great thoughts for ya... but doesn't seem to be the case.
Saw Away We Go and fuckin loved it.
Went to the Bryant Lake Bowl Pride block party last night, good times. Hung out with Hallie, and later in the middle of the night Jessica...
Most my days revolve around work and checking for updates on craigslist.
Whats up?
Good question, hmm... well, last week we returned to school. Summer school lasts for 1 month. 4 days a week of the same classes and then 1 day of independent work and projects. Thursdays we tend to go on a 1 hour field trip. Classes are supposed to be fun and interesting... I am teaching about the future, so far we have talked about 2012, Revelations/Judgment Day and zombie apocalypse. Next week we will look at other gloomy subjects like overpopulation, nuclear war, global pandemics, drought, etc. After that we may look at some demographic data, watch a video on what happens when humans are gone, and start to talk about future technology.
The class is going well I guess, but a lot of the students like to talk out of turn... so I will have to crack down on that a bit. Otherwise school is going well. I get out early and in general its pretty fun and non challenging. My homeroom has chosen to read POE and it made me realize that it takes work to deconstruct and analyze something if you havent read it before... the kids barely understand the language so I have to translate it... then help them with their analysis.
I have some students who wanted to jazz up the school website. So far they have adjusted the colors and updated it slightly... I guess in a few weeks we will add pictures, (video?) some student work and a few more pages to help bring us into the 20th century.
You can look up the school it is at lnas.org
What else...
Well generally when I am not writing it means I am complaining enough to other people. I have seen probably 15 different friends in the last few weeks... not all by seeking them out, but seems like a lot considering I haven't changed up my patterns too much.
Most days though, I get a smoothie from jamba juice and retreat to my room. Lately I have been watching The Wire, but I am only on season two, so don't tell me anything.
May or may not finish the book on faith that I was reading, also half reading a book on hip hop/urban/philanthropy etc... and just started a book on white provilege.
I wish I could say I had some great thoughts for ya... but doesn't seem to be the case.
Saw Away We Go and fuckin loved it.
Went to the Bryant Lake Bowl Pride block party last night, good times. Hung out with Hallie, and later in the middle of the night Jessica...
Most my days revolve around work and checking for updates on craigslist.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
meh
I have been on break for a few days now. I am totally bored because no one else is on break. My days are consisting of staying up too late and waking up too late but then having nothing to do all day so I wish I could go back to sleep. Also there is construction outside my windows so it makes it hard to sleep.
Do you know what boys do when they are bored? Nothing but trouble.
I haven't really done anything bad... just too much craigslist and stuff
But I am worried I am going to do something worse.
You ever do something you know was wrong and do it anyway?
Most of my life I have felt guilty over actions like that... but I also feel like maybe I am becoming a more mature better person or something. I try to separate these parts of my life, the old (childhood?) and the new (maturity)... but then I get all tempted to do random things, which of course I want to keep secret.
and maybe they aren't wrong, or bad, but maybe they are not good either. Maybe just cuz no one is hurt doesnt make it right... you know?
Someone recently told me that is a Capricorn trait, to have separate lives. I guess we all have public and private lives, but I feel like mine are even more extreme.
A public life, a professional life and a private life.
a human split into three,
the "person" the "drone" and the "animal."
The concept behind many of the things we teach at school seems to be "what would you wish to happen." not what actually happens, or what seems possible, but what would you wish (in your most positive moment).
So its not about selfish desires, but connecting with people, as equals, secure and positive...
but do we act that way or is just a dream?
Do you know what boys do when they are bored? Nothing but trouble.
I haven't really done anything bad... just too much craigslist and stuff
But I am worried I am going to do something worse.
You ever do something you know was wrong and do it anyway?
Most of my life I have felt guilty over actions like that... but I also feel like maybe I am becoming a more mature better person or something. I try to separate these parts of my life, the old (childhood?) and the new (maturity)... but then I get all tempted to do random things, which of course I want to keep secret.
and maybe they aren't wrong, or bad, but maybe they are not good either. Maybe just cuz no one is hurt doesnt make it right... you know?
Someone recently told me that is a Capricorn trait, to have separate lives. I guess we all have public and private lives, but I feel like mine are even more extreme.
A public life, a professional life and a private life.
a human split into three,
the "person" the "drone" and the "animal."
The concept behind many of the things we teach at school seems to be "what would you wish to happen." not what actually happens, or what seems possible, but what would you wish (in your most positive moment).
So its not about selfish desires, but connecting with people, as equals, secure and positive...
but do we act that way or is just a dream?
Monday, June 15, 2009
not really worth reading
So I am super bored. Today was officially my first day of break and its mind numbingly boring. I spent half my day on craigslist, facebook and myspace doing absolutely nothing.
I tried to paint a little, but everything seems flat and boring. I am pretty sure I should either be at a coffee shop or watching a movie or reading a book, but instead I am typing this for no reason.
I have been writing and half singing random rhymes and songs but nothing worth writing down.
Recently I saw some homies. Made myself awkward in a few situations.
I went to a corner store and got ten bucks worth of candy and pop.
I did some research for future classes.
I did some research on teaching abroad.
I did some research on the situation in Iran right now.
I did some research on some musicians I like.
I guess tomorrow we are going to have a mini “we are there for you” type gathering for my step sister who’s jaw is wired shut. Shakes or smoothies or something.
I am supposed to call my grandma. I am supposed to go to Leech Lake to visit with my fam.
I am supposed to get my car fixed over the break.
I have plans for Wednesday and Thursday afternoon. Maybe see pleasure pause on Friday night.
Its these times when I wish I were in a relationship, just to pass the time.
I also feel like trimming things back. Facebook friends I never talk to, people in my phone book, e mails I have been saving for no reason. Clutter... its all clutter. If I were less lazy I would clean my room and the bathroom.
I tried to paint a little, but everything seems flat and boring. I am pretty sure I should either be at a coffee shop or watching a movie or reading a book, but instead I am typing this for no reason.
I have been writing and half singing random rhymes and songs but nothing worth writing down.
Recently I saw some homies. Made myself awkward in a few situations.
I went to a corner store and got ten bucks worth of candy and pop.
I did some research for future classes.
I did some research on teaching abroad.
I did some research on the situation in Iran right now.
I did some research on some musicians I like.
I guess tomorrow we are going to have a mini “we are there for you” type gathering for my step sister who’s jaw is wired shut. Shakes or smoothies or something.
I am supposed to call my grandma. I am supposed to go to Leech Lake to visit with my fam.
I am supposed to get my car fixed over the break.
I have plans for Wednesday and Thursday afternoon. Maybe see pleasure pause on Friday night.
Its these times when I wish I were in a relationship, just to pass the time.
I also feel like trimming things back. Facebook friends I never talk to, people in my phone book, e mails I have been saving for no reason. Clutter... its all clutter. If I were less lazy I would clean my room and the bathroom.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Divine Intervention
The other day in my haste
and ecstasy, I proclaimed in my car
or rather thought loudly
That such potential was overwhelming
excited, I listed the hypothetical
possibilities, a list that seemed
to grow with time
and that time, pushed
out the thought in the back of
my mind, the one that said the
list of your humility and desire
to help ought to be longer.
and for this I was dealt, a
death blow, or so it seemed
the morning after found me
on my knees (in front of a toilet)
leaving me with nothing grand to ponder or praise
and nothing (except regret) in my stomach
and ecstasy, I proclaimed in my car
or rather thought loudly
That such potential was overwhelming
excited, I listed the hypothetical
possibilities, a list that seemed
to grow with time
and that time, pushed
out the thought in the back of
my mind, the one that said the
list of your humility and desire
to help ought to be longer.
and for this I was dealt, a
death blow, or so it seemed
the morning after found me
on my knees (in front of a toilet)
leaving me with nothing grand to ponder or praise
and nothing (except regret) in my stomach
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Monday, June 01, 2009
Totally bored and its 10:20 in the PM
Oh the things I would do if I were a more careless man,
bare-chested man walks by across the street,
that’s the least of the adventures I could complete
Would bomb beats, and play rhythm on the guitar
Fit bar goers dressed in their priceless wave down taxi’s on the corner
Re-borners praising Jesus and calling out your sins
Board fins, wind surfers on the moonlit lake
Soon it shakes from your bored brain down to your toes
Roar foes at my ferocity, like the cats on my bed
I said, it’s time to go to bed.
Oh the things I would do if I were a more careless man,
bare-chested man walks by across the street,
that’s the least of the adventures I could complete
Would bomb beats, and play rhythm on the guitar
Fit bar goers dressed in their priceless wave down taxi’s on the corner
Re-borners praising Jesus and calling out your sins
Board fins, wind surfers on the moonlit lake
Soon it shakes from your bored brain down to your toes
Roar foes at my ferocity, like the cats on my bed
I said, it’s time to go to bed.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
What the deal
Its been really nice reconnecting with my peoples this week. The other day I had two wonderful phone conversations and was up till 2-3 in the morning. But I wonder where I am meant to put my energy these days.
It seems interesting timing, perhaps saving me from myself that all these friends are suddenly available. But at the same time, arent I supposed to be out seeking new relationships?
School is rapidly and chaotically winding down. I will Next week we are starting the finals time... and in many ways thats when I feel most connected to the students... feel like we did something good.
In the meantime though... Couple more days of classes... lots of things up in the air.
It seems interesting timing, perhaps saving me from myself that all these friends are suddenly available. But at the same time, arent I supposed to be out seeking new relationships?
School is rapidly and chaotically winding down. I will Next week we are starting the finals time... and in many ways thats when I feel most connected to the students... feel like we did something good.
In the meantime though... Couple more days of classes... lots of things up in the air.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
and so it begins
One of my best friends is getting married in like a week. She just got engaged but it makes sense for their situation. By just got engaged I mean Sunday.
I saw the pictures on facebook and texted her. She has lived in Canada for a long time so I don't get to see her nearly as much as I would if she lived here, but still, when I think about people I care about she's right up at the top still.
I am really happy for her, everything seems to be coming together in a great way and she deserves it. (((this might sound mean, but I have always seen her as someone who really does deserve her happiness and I don't know why she gets elevated to some more important class, but fuck it, thats my bias))) So I am happy....
but I got really anxious waiting to hear from her.
Its like the world makes its move sometimes and you don't really get an obvious signal, but all of a sudden things are different, and you are playing by new rules, and you aren't necessarily sure what they are, and thats scary, but different can be good, different can be exciting, different can be happiness.
I gotta say too, its weird. I use the words love so casually sometimes, but moments like this make me realize how much I mean it... and maybe this is the good situation (unlike say... freaking out from a nightmare or something) but one of my loves, my genuine real loves is going to be married. Just because she was never my girlfriend doesn't mean its not weird. How many hours can you spend talking and thinking about a person, their goals, thoughts, dreams etc... before you realize their life does matter to you... and not in some intellectualized way, but in the way where their existence is intertwined with yours on whatever level... but forever... I feel like the words we use in english don't make sense, I'd say I feel "threatened"- but I don't, I feel "loss" but thats not quite it either. Its certainly an awareness of something...
but either way, even if its through wet eyes or a tight stomach, you genuinely smile because they are happy. You trust them. You extend your faith to those they love and make room for them in your heart.
the expansion of the heart... maybe thats what this feeling is.
I saw the pictures on facebook and texted her. She has lived in Canada for a long time so I don't get to see her nearly as much as I would if she lived here, but still, when I think about people I care about she's right up at the top still.
I am really happy for her, everything seems to be coming together in a great way and she deserves it. (((this might sound mean, but I have always seen her as someone who really does deserve her happiness and I don't know why she gets elevated to some more important class, but fuck it, thats my bias))) So I am happy....
but I got really anxious waiting to hear from her.
Its like the world makes its move sometimes and you don't really get an obvious signal, but all of a sudden things are different, and you are playing by new rules, and you aren't necessarily sure what they are, and thats scary, but different can be good, different can be exciting, different can be happiness.
I gotta say too, its weird. I use the words love so casually sometimes, but moments like this make me realize how much I mean it... and maybe this is the good situation (unlike say... freaking out from a nightmare or something) but one of my loves, my genuine real loves is going to be married. Just because she was never my girlfriend doesn't mean its not weird. How many hours can you spend talking and thinking about a person, their goals, thoughts, dreams etc... before you realize their life does matter to you... and not in some intellectualized way, but in the way where their existence is intertwined with yours on whatever level... but forever... I feel like the words we use in english don't make sense, I'd say I feel "threatened"- but I don't, I feel "loss" but thats not quite it either. Its certainly an awareness of something...
but either way, even if its through wet eyes or a tight stomach, you genuinely smile because they are happy. You trust them. You extend your faith to those they love and make room for them in your heart.
the expansion of the heart... maybe thats what this feeling is.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sick of thinking in monotone, single file lines
There are those days or moments rather when you want to write something truthful, impressive, worldly, perhaps uninhibited. Whether it is a bold statement of theory or just a restatement of old truths, it doesn’t matter. A well worded opinion, a creative gesture drawn out, a reflection, anything that might cause the reader to think for just a second to share in that moment something real –a learning experience. Good conversations are like this, but I haven’t been having those lately. Good classes are taught like this, but I haven’t been teaching those lately.
The whole thing is held up by this need for originality or creativity or something insightful you know? It’s tough to hinge the moment on such a fleeting concept, when will the muse land?
Still, there are those moments when the desire is great, so you find yourself writing, just to write really…
I can’t decide why all of a sudden it hits me right now. Maybe the conversation about politics and teaching at the coffee shop. Natural elements like tested friendship versus relationships yet to meet their critical moments. Maybe just the caffeine, a drug to knock through the haze that has been my forever (it seems).
But for just a few minutes it’s nice to be able to process more than one thought. It’s nice to be able to intellectualize into the gray, and maybe throw in some emotions, maybe throw in a dream, maybe throw in some devil’s advocate just to mix the situation up again, all just a reminder that you are not as slow as you seem lately. Just in time, I was beginning to lose hope, I thought maybe I am done being a teacher. Maybe I am done with this whole learning thing. Maybe my body is losing and taking my mind down with it. Maybe this is a dying breath, a last hurrah, but I hope the haze falls away permanently soon. Subdued everything is so mundane.
The whole thing is held up by this need for originality or creativity or something insightful you know? It’s tough to hinge the moment on such a fleeting concept, when will the muse land?
Still, there are those moments when the desire is great, so you find yourself writing, just to write really…
I can’t decide why all of a sudden it hits me right now. Maybe the conversation about politics and teaching at the coffee shop. Natural elements like tested friendship versus relationships yet to meet their critical moments. Maybe just the caffeine, a drug to knock through the haze that has been my forever (it seems).
But for just a few minutes it’s nice to be able to process more than one thought. It’s nice to be able to intellectualize into the gray, and maybe throw in some emotions, maybe throw in a dream, maybe throw in some devil’s advocate just to mix the situation up again, all just a reminder that you are not as slow as you seem lately. Just in time, I was beginning to lose hope, I thought maybe I am done being a teacher. Maybe I am done with this whole learning thing. Maybe my body is losing and taking my mind down with it. Maybe this is a dying breath, a last hurrah, but I hope the haze falls away permanently soon. Subdued everything is so mundane.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Mostly I find this outfit suitable
I wonder if I could count down the number of sneezes
till this cold is gone. And if its allergies, till this body is.
My nose winces
the smell of metals and chemical burns
expired medicine lathered on my skin.
I read a book today
That told me to go find a mentor
Go find a community, go live my learning
I haven’t found my way past the door yet
My finger tips remember the orange they peeled
My front teeth remember the first bite
My mind recalls the shock
My eyes envision a thousand
More, dry oranges?
I’m waiting for your car to arrive,
2 hours and counting, but right now I’ll bet its sitting in your drive way
Warming in the sun, I wonder if it gets bored with the scenery,
If it notices the changing petals,
if it pants in an exhausted way
All the exhaust away
I wonder if I could count down the number of sneezes
till this cold is gone. And if its allergies, till this body is.
My nose winces
the smell of metals and chemical burns
expired medicine lathered on my skin.
I read a book today
That told me to go find a mentor
Go find a community, go live my learning
I haven’t found my way past the door yet
My finger tips remember the orange they peeled
My front teeth remember the first bite
My mind recalls the shock
My eyes envision a thousand
More, dry oranges?
I’m waiting for your car to arrive,
2 hours and counting, but right now I’ll bet its sitting in your drive way
Warming in the sun, I wonder if it gets bored with the scenery,
If it notices the changing petals,
if it pants in an exhausted way
All the exhaust away
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Kilgore Trout
We have a new cat. I would show you a picture, but I don't have any.
I don't really have much to report right now.
I have a cold.
I realized that because of my busy schedule lately, I have/had like 6 people to see this weekend. I think I am going to be able to fit them all in, which is awesome.
There is a possibility I will go to North Carolina and possibly some other southern destinations this summer.
I am worried one of the cats is going to go to the bathroom on or underneath my bed.
We will soon have a new roommate too.
Things seem to be going well I guess.
I have no t shirts left so I must do laundry very very soon.
I should also do some homework.
I am also thinking of maybe trying to take a class sometime.
No idea if that will happen.
Sunshine and angels.
I don't really have much to report right now.
I have a cold.
I realized that because of my busy schedule lately, I have/had like 6 people to see this weekend. I think I am going to be able to fit them all in, which is awesome.
There is a possibility I will go to North Carolina and possibly some other southern destinations this summer.
I am worried one of the cats is going to go to the bathroom on or underneath my bed.
We will soon have a new roommate too.
Things seem to be going well I guess.
I have no t shirts left so I must do laundry very very soon.
I should also do some homework.
I am also thinking of maybe trying to take a class sometime.
No idea if that will happen.
Sunshine and angels.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
In all the stories and fairy tales they never mention the impact on the body when star crossed lovers collide. Longing and distance bring distaste and aches, but each caress is supposed to be like coming home,
and the fleeting moments send shivers down the spine,
and the anticipation brings butterflies which flutter like fairies,
whimsically dancing.
Not knots, not panic, not the dizziness of being at sea in a storm,
not the thought disruption of that truly awful seas sickness.
and it leaves me wondering
shouldn't one have to forsake the land to feel this
If I had met you in India I could have blamed it on the food, the weather, the water, the heat, the mosquitoes which carry that queasiness to land from the sea, and make the noblest and strongest of men plead for casual caress.
Comfort my needs.
Though my stomach is weak, I've rarely experienced such upset.
Makes me wonder if we are truly meant,
or if my stomach is telling my heart and mind to repent.
Let the tides be the judge.
and the fleeting moments send shivers down the spine,
and the anticipation brings butterflies which flutter like fairies,
whimsically dancing.
Not knots, not panic, not the dizziness of being at sea in a storm,
not the thought disruption of that truly awful seas sickness.
and it leaves me wondering
shouldn't one have to forsake the land to feel this
If I had met you in India I could have blamed it on the food, the weather, the water, the heat, the mosquitoes which carry that queasiness to land from the sea, and make the noblest and strongest of men plead for casual caress.
Comfort my needs.
Though my stomach is weak, I've rarely experienced such upset.
Makes me wonder if we are truly meant,
or if my stomach is telling my heart and mind to repent.
Let the tides be the judge.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I woke up from an unfulfilling nap
The cat is pissing me off. She has been fed and given attention. Yet she is still whining. I wish I could shake her and tell her there is nothing else I can do.
Nothing seems appealing right now. I give up on writing.
Nothing seems appealing right now. I give up on writing.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Sometimes We Arent Aware
A friend called me out on something today, a behavior I didn't know I was doing, and furthermore didn't think was all that uncommon or inappropriate... actually I explained it as being one of those things I thought people just needed to learn to accept about me, a quirk.
Maybe you have noticed? Sometimes its really hard to make plans with me, especially concerning food... or maybe I talk about plans concerning food for an extra amount of time? or go into too many details or ask questions when obviously no one cares... like "should I do this, or this?"
I tried to explain to my friend, who told me that they were bringing it up not only because it was annoying but also a bit of concern... that I get anxious and uncomfortable making plans for food... I am unsure.
After a whole long conversation about the roots of issues, eating disorders, other traumatic experiences concerning people talking to me about food issues, I am not sure my friend was happy that they brought it up...
but I guess I hadn't really realized that it was a problem. Then when I left the place we were meeting at, I found myself in the same position that I had been in when I was talking to the person and that had sparked this conversation...
I hadn't eaten since this morning, I was clearly very hungry, but I needed to psych myself up to go eat something "enjoyable." I needed to find some way to justify it to myself, or needed someone else to tell me that I was making a good choice or something....
I am often taken aback (and make note of it to the people) when I see someone easily enjoy food.
I have gotten in arguments and conversations about this with people for years...
I even have sworn a thousand times that I do not like food, in fact I hate it... but the truth is, sometimes I enjoy food... it just takes a lot of mental effort to get me to do it (the exception seems to be when I am with people I enjoy, but I also don't always get hungry when I am full in other ways).
So I was walking to my car, psyching myself up to go eat. Trying to think what would be enjoyable and worth the effort... because today, and most days... I tend to wait until I get to that point before I eat... otherwise its not worth the effort and sadly when I was confronted on this issue ( this compulsion or obsession), I quickly realized it wasn't that the food wasn't worth the effort, It was that I wasn't.
How easily we blame others, inanimate objects, the nourishment itself, cuz its easier than admitting how terrible it feels to not care about yourself, to think you don't deserve it.
(I usually don't consciously think this way, is what I am saying, but I have found ways to work up the effort to do what I need to do- and this can be annoying to other people)
-similarly when I left the restaurant I couldn't concentrate on anything until I washed my hands (this one also comes up when I am stressed) but I realized I was saying out loud to myself in a car "thank god" when I found a wet wipe.... and thats pretty sad. A ridiculous sense of relief over something logically I know is dumb.
Maybe you have noticed? Sometimes its really hard to make plans with me, especially concerning food... or maybe I talk about plans concerning food for an extra amount of time? or go into too many details or ask questions when obviously no one cares... like "should I do this, or this?"
I tried to explain to my friend, who told me that they were bringing it up not only because it was annoying but also a bit of concern... that I get anxious and uncomfortable making plans for food... I am unsure.
After a whole long conversation about the roots of issues, eating disorders, other traumatic experiences concerning people talking to me about food issues, I am not sure my friend was happy that they brought it up...
but I guess I hadn't really realized that it was a problem. Then when I left the place we were meeting at, I found myself in the same position that I had been in when I was talking to the person and that had sparked this conversation...
I hadn't eaten since this morning, I was clearly very hungry, but I needed to psych myself up to go eat something "enjoyable." I needed to find some way to justify it to myself, or needed someone else to tell me that I was making a good choice or something....
I am often taken aback (and make note of it to the people) when I see someone easily enjoy food.
I have gotten in arguments and conversations about this with people for years...
I even have sworn a thousand times that I do not like food, in fact I hate it... but the truth is, sometimes I enjoy food... it just takes a lot of mental effort to get me to do it (the exception seems to be when I am with people I enjoy, but I also don't always get hungry when I am full in other ways).
So I was walking to my car, psyching myself up to go eat. Trying to think what would be enjoyable and worth the effort... because today, and most days... I tend to wait until I get to that point before I eat... otherwise its not worth the effort and sadly when I was confronted on this issue ( this compulsion or obsession), I quickly realized it wasn't that the food wasn't worth the effort, It was that I wasn't.
How easily we blame others, inanimate objects, the nourishment itself, cuz its easier than admitting how terrible it feels to not care about yourself, to think you don't deserve it.
(I usually don't consciously think this way, is what I am saying, but I have found ways to work up the effort to do what I need to do- and this can be annoying to other people)
-similarly when I left the restaurant I couldn't concentrate on anything until I washed my hands (this one also comes up when I am stressed) but I realized I was saying out loud to myself in a car "thank god" when I found a wet wipe.... and thats pretty sad. A ridiculous sense of relief over something logically I know is dumb.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Though I have many websites and blogs already I sometimes wonder if I should keep a few others... maybe one that I can actually advertise and share with people so that I could write to people instead of feeling like I am writing this to no one... maybe another that i could write all my actual thoughts in and that I would share with no one so that I wouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed.
Tyler Blanski is amazing and I really like his new cd (I got it at cheapo, local section)
Its simple and pure at times, the lyrics are comforting but also thoughtful. They are like stories he is sharing with you but without telling you the character's names, so you start to feel like there is a sort of love that you can imprint any name or face on.
I am reading far too much of this twilight shit, but just as promised I feel lonely and I miss them when I finish each chapter or book. I even like the habit, its keeping me from other habits sometimes... like facebook stalking etc.
I want to write music, I want to write, I want to draw... but I don't know that I am able right now.
----
Just for the record I am totally crushing for someone new, for all the wrong reasons and its probably all in my head, and I am getting no confirmation of any of this and it makes it worse... and it makes the novels and the music come alive even more... but like I told Becky, when I was confessing all this, the thing I miss the most is the feeling...
I want to say, I see God more when I am around her, maybe purely coincidental, but God's presence is nothing to take for granted.
Becky would make fun of me for saying God, when she assumes its just my natural self, but she couldn't mask the delight she had when she saw it come back to me... and that was what I needed at that moment.
To the skeptics, even coincidence can be beautiful. I just like beautiful things.
Tyler Blanski is amazing and I really like his new cd (I got it at cheapo, local section)
Its simple and pure at times, the lyrics are comforting but also thoughtful. They are like stories he is sharing with you but without telling you the character's names, so you start to feel like there is a sort of love that you can imprint any name or face on.
I am reading far too much of this twilight shit, but just as promised I feel lonely and I miss them when I finish each chapter or book. I even like the habit, its keeping me from other habits sometimes... like facebook stalking etc.
I want to write music, I want to write, I want to draw... but I don't know that I am able right now.
----
Just for the record I am totally crushing for someone new, for all the wrong reasons and its probably all in my head, and I am getting no confirmation of any of this and it makes it worse... and it makes the novels and the music come alive even more... but like I told Becky, when I was confessing all this, the thing I miss the most is the feeling...
I want to say, I see God more when I am around her, maybe purely coincidental, but God's presence is nothing to take for granted.
Becky would make fun of me for saying God, when she assumes its just my natural self, but she couldn't mask the delight she had when she saw it come back to me... and that was what I needed at that moment.
To the skeptics, even coincidence can be beautiful. I just like beautiful things.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I think I would hate men if I were a woman. They can never possibly understand... what a burden. They claim to want to know you, but it must seem so shallow when they promise you "the world" and they really mean the tiny percent of it they choose to acknowledge.
I find myself wondering if I would be a good father.
I like to assume things in this effort... but am I actually willing to give up anything?
I just don't understand it.
The second time this week I find myself saying
All men are assholes.
I find myself wondering if I would be a good father.
I like to assume things in this effort... but am I actually willing to give up anything?
I just don't understand it.
The second time this week I find myself saying
All men are assholes.
Feeling stupid
I just completely forgot about my friends child's 1st birthday... big deal right?
But it really is... not for the child, its not truly about them... its about recognizing the mother... don't you think?
Making sure they know you care about them, showing you appreciate the effort they have put in, recognizing their love and devotion, acknowledging all those seconds of loneliness, of mixed emotions, of fear...
I could brush over it like its nothing... but jesus, I can't even imagine...
maybe its easier for me not to. Easier to not acknowledge their sacrifices, and the truly blessed reasons why they would choose to make them.
A one year celebration, to say so many things impossible to understand...
Now I feel bad for posting this.
But it really is... not for the child, its not truly about them... its about recognizing the mother... don't you think?
Making sure they know you care about them, showing you appreciate the effort they have put in, recognizing their love and devotion, acknowledging all those seconds of loneliness, of mixed emotions, of fear...
I could brush over it like its nothing... but jesus, I can't even imagine...
maybe its easier for me not to. Easier to not acknowledge their sacrifices, and the truly blessed reasons why they would choose to make them.
A one year celebration, to say so many things impossible to understand...
Now I feel bad for posting this.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Struggling to figure out what I should call this thought.
Have you ever seen chimps in nature?
Chimps and Gorillas are our closest relatives. They tend to live in groups. Both species do have members that live alone, but not by choice. These members have been kicked out of the group and usually try to steal other members away so they can go start their own groups. Otherwise the animal is rarely heard from again... maybe they live for many years on the fringe, maybe they die alone.
This weekend I spent most of my time around people. Whenever this happens I usually find myself in a much better mood. Its not that I don't get annoyed with people (I often do), its just that I feel a lot better being connected. Whenever I return from something like this, I always have a falling out period in which I feel very lonely. I might be experiencing this right now, I was certainly feeling it yesterday... but what is hitting me right now is just how unnatural my life is.
Every day I wake up alone. I check my e mail so as not to feel so alone, but rarely do I find a new message or e mail. I get ready for work alone, singing songs to myself to feel connected to others, I sometimes think about the people I want to talk to, or who I will interact with today. I go to work alone, in fact I am the first person there. I make phone calls my students right away so they don't feel so alone, so that they will come in to school and feel loved.
During the school day I am around people, but the dynamic is off because I am not among peers most of the day... so I can't rely on them the way they may rely on me.
When the school day is over I return to my house alone. Once again I try to find connection usually through my computer. A mixture of music, e mail and social networking sites, sometimes movies fill the gap and make me feel connected for a time, sometimes books do. Usually I take a nap alone, maybe the cat wakes me up, I interact with her more than any human when I am at home. When I wake up I realize I am alone and reach for my phone, to see if anyone has tried to contact me. Tonight no one had, thats not uncommon. I immediately go check my e mail. If I havent eaten already I go get food alone. Then I watch a movie or read or check the internet all night again. Then go to bed alone.
I am not saying that I am always available especially for my family, or for odd events or things that make me uncomfortable... but I think its amazing how much time I spend wanting connection and not getting it.
During college I often felt the same way, surrounded by people not finding connection (not all the time)... I can't find any other word than unnatural.
Its like every thing is pointing it out, all the feelings all the stuff I do, yet I don't feel comfortable or I don't know how, or I feel likes its asking too much to find this interaction some how.
I feel like my natural state should be to be around people... to get annoyed enough that I am fighting for my space, rather than being alone and unable to connect. It shouldn't be about making plans and crossing towns to get to the interaction I need, it should be readily available within feet. It should be impossible not to trip over it, it should be ten friends in a house, children, couples, old folks, love interests.
Have you ever seen chimps in nature?
Chimps and Gorillas are our closest relatives. They tend to live in groups. Both species do have members that live alone, but not by choice. These members have been kicked out of the group and usually try to steal other members away so they can go start their own groups. Otherwise the animal is rarely heard from again... maybe they live for many years on the fringe, maybe they die alone.
This weekend I spent most of my time around people. Whenever this happens I usually find myself in a much better mood. Its not that I don't get annoyed with people (I often do), its just that I feel a lot better being connected. Whenever I return from something like this, I always have a falling out period in which I feel very lonely. I might be experiencing this right now, I was certainly feeling it yesterday... but what is hitting me right now is just how unnatural my life is.
Every day I wake up alone. I check my e mail so as not to feel so alone, but rarely do I find a new message or e mail. I get ready for work alone, singing songs to myself to feel connected to others, I sometimes think about the people I want to talk to, or who I will interact with today. I go to work alone, in fact I am the first person there. I make phone calls my students right away so they don't feel so alone, so that they will come in to school and feel loved.
During the school day I am around people, but the dynamic is off because I am not among peers most of the day... so I can't rely on them the way they may rely on me.
When the school day is over I return to my house alone. Once again I try to find connection usually through my computer. A mixture of music, e mail and social networking sites, sometimes movies fill the gap and make me feel connected for a time, sometimes books do. Usually I take a nap alone, maybe the cat wakes me up, I interact with her more than any human when I am at home. When I wake up I realize I am alone and reach for my phone, to see if anyone has tried to contact me. Tonight no one had, thats not uncommon. I immediately go check my e mail. If I havent eaten already I go get food alone. Then I watch a movie or read or check the internet all night again. Then go to bed alone.
I am not saying that I am always available especially for my family, or for odd events or things that make me uncomfortable... but I think its amazing how much time I spend wanting connection and not getting it.
During college I often felt the same way, surrounded by people not finding connection (not all the time)... I can't find any other word than unnatural.
Its like every thing is pointing it out, all the feelings all the stuff I do, yet I don't feel comfortable or I don't know how, or I feel likes its asking too much to find this interaction some how.
I feel like my natural state should be to be around people... to get annoyed enough that I am fighting for my space, rather than being alone and unable to connect. It shouldn't be about making plans and crossing towns to get to the interaction I need, it should be readily available within feet. It should be impossible not to trip over it, it should be ten friends in a house, children, couples, old folks, love interests.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Overflowing with desire to let go, express, purge etc. Yet I feel like I got nothing to say, so maybe just babble till something comes out.
This weekend was an interesting experience. I enjoyed myself a lot, but I am not sure everyone around me did. I guess we all get too caught up in ourselves to forget that others are going through similar things, regardless of who or what they are.
I haven't been doing many artistic things lately. Not much drawing, or writing and certainly no playing or recording music. makes me feel very unproductive. I have been reading a lot. Various things but mostly the twilight books.
I'm not even watching movies all that often. I have had a few sitting around waiting for me to watch them and I just don't.
Sometimes I feel like maybe I am an interesting person, interesting enough for people to like and want to spend time with, other times not so much. Today is starting to feel like a not so much.
I got home and just wanted someone to touch me, hold me, brush my hair or something. Show me they loved me in some ridiculous non talk way. I remember feeling that way a lot when I was in relationships, but also lavishing attention in similar ways sometimes to the point where the people became uncomfortable, maybe because I wasn't sure where the boundaries were all the time.
I taught 4 classes out of 5 today. I was pretty beat, and the second class was a battle. It was me and some of the more responsible students vs a bunch of kids who want to have their way despite the fact that they are 18-19 and still in high school... they act like the world revolves around them... I asked them to take some responsibility for themselves they pushed it back at me saying I needed to be more strict. Sometimes in situations like this I attempt to lead by example -like I would do with a friend, take responsibility for myself, react calmly etc... but I have found with teenagers sometimes they interpret that as weakness or not caring... and that's really an interesting reaction. -Apparently if I ask a person to do something in a respectful manner, I am not being forceful enough.
I tried to be really nice to this one girl and she literally said "I dislike you, and don't respect you" I said that was pretty mean, she continued so I cut her off and moved to the next person. A lot of people would have kicked her out of class... for me it seemed like she was venting her frustration from a confrontation a few days ago in a highly inappropriate manner, but still... people deserve a chance right?
I have students who defend me... its nice but it shouldn't be their job.
_______________________
I guess I am really confused about what I want right now. I keep having all these wonderful experiences, getting to know people, enjoying myself, loving life, but things like this shouldn't or don't depend on a single person... yet I feel like I should be trying to find something, title something, tie something down and by that I apparently mean a woman.
Awkward idea, weird to think that I can't just sit back and appreciate and be grateful... its that whole "simplicity" idea... she has to be tied down so you don't worry...
but her freedom is her beauty right?
What mistakes or attempts am I willing to make on my own behalf?
-I often think I can do things on behalf of others... but its harder to accept or appreciate your own desires, they are too mixed and blended, I'd say my desires are a smoothie, but they do not feel smooth.
I guess I will go read pseudo romance novels... and sulk till the morning.
This weekend was an interesting experience. I enjoyed myself a lot, but I am not sure everyone around me did. I guess we all get too caught up in ourselves to forget that others are going through similar things, regardless of who or what they are.
I haven't been doing many artistic things lately. Not much drawing, or writing and certainly no playing or recording music. makes me feel very unproductive. I have been reading a lot. Various things but mostly the twilight books.
I'm not even watching movies all that often. I have had a few sitting around waiting for me to watch them and I just don't.
Sometimes I feel like maybe I am an interesting person, interesting enough for people to like and want to spend time with, other times not so much. Today is starting to feel like a not so much.
I got home and just wanted someone to touch me, hold me, brush my hair or something. Show me they loved me in some ridiculous non talk way. I remember feeling that way a lot when I was in relationships, but also lavishing attention in similar ways sometimes to the point where the people became uncomfortable, maybe because I wasn't sure where the boundaries were all the time.
I taught 4 classes out of 5 today. I was pretty beat, and the second class was a battle. It was me and some of the more responsible students vs a bunch of kids who want to have their way despite the fact that they are 18-19 and still in high school... they act like the world revolves around them... I asked them to take some responsibility for themselves they pushed it back at me saying I needed to be more strict. Sometimes in situations like this I attempt to lead by example -like I would do with a friend, take responsibility for myself, react calmly etc... but I have found with teenagers sometimes they interpret that as weakness or not caring... and that's really an interesting reaction. -Apparently if I ask a person to do something in a respectful manner, I am not being forceful enough.
I tried to be really nice to this one girl and she literally said "I dislike you, and don't respect you" I said that was pretty mean, she continued so I cut her off and moved to the next person. A lot of people would have kicked her out of class... for me it seemed like she was venting her frustration from a confrontation a few days ago in a highly inappropriate manner, but still... people deserve a chance right?
I have students who defend me... its nice but it shouldn't be their job.
_______________________
I guess I am really confused about what I want right now. I keep having all these wonderful experiences, getting to know people, enjoying myself, loving life, but things like this shouldn't or don't depend on a single person... yet I feel like I should be trying to find something, title something, tie something down and by that I apparently mean a woman.
Awkward idea, weird to think that I can't just sit back and appreciate and be grateful... its that whole "simplicity" idea... she has to be tied down so you don't worry...
but her freedom is her beauty right?
What mistakes or attempts am I willing to make on my own behalf?
-I often think I can do things on behalf of others... but its harder to accept or appreciate your own desires, they are too mixed and blended, I'd say my desires are a smoothie, but they do not feel smooth.
I guess I will go read pseudo romance novels... and sulk till the morning.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The World is Beautiful
2 things
1) Not only does my work not frown upon dressing in drag, they actually encourage it - on the field trip.
2) I just bought make up from a young Cameroonian Woman with a beautiful soft accented voice who didn't give me a hard time for dressing in drag, but for not being aware enough of what I would want (in a sweet way). She happened to be the sister of one of the drag queens at the 90s.
Which made a beautiful world, just a bit more beautiful.
1) Not only does my work not frown upon dressing in drag, they actually encourage it - on the field trip.
2) I just bought make up from a young Cameroonian Woman with a beautiful soft accented voice who didn't give me a hard time for dressing in drag, but for not being aware enough of what I would want (in a sweet way). She happened to be the sister of one of the drag queens at the 90s.
Which made a beautiful world, just a bit more beautiful.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Do you ever feel like you are leading yourself on and recognizing this is really disappointing so you just keep up the act?
-You got no reason to believe.
-Its just too exciting to pass up.
My problem is not only am I sort of doing this (on and off in my head) but also then I worry that I am tying myself down to it... so it keeps me from pursuing other alternatives...
I think we have all been there right? Its easier to like someone who is unavailable.
We had a really good reading on intimacy the other day... made me start thinking about what I do and don't do.
-You got no reason to believe.
-Its just too exciting to pass up.
My problem is not only am I sort of doing this (on and off in my head) but also then I worry that I am tying myself down to it... so it keeps me from pursuing other alternatives...
I think we have all been there right? Its easier to like someone who is unavailable.
We had a really good reading on intimacy the other day... made me start thinking about what I do and don't do.
Well shit man... I guess its 8:38 and I am tired... spose to go to a b day party.
A concert tomorrow.
Starting to feel sorry for myself.
Way too many pictures in 2007 (reviewing so as to print) so far practically none for 2009.
I spent so much time trying to capture people at their most beautiful, something to hold on to you know?
Knowing all things end, even then I felt sad many of those nights.
Been having all these thoughts about what is right to pursue, how to frame things, what perspective one should choose... has something to do with spring -possibilities of something new.
Speaking of new, my eyes are everywhere.
Caught some good music last night
singing lots of songs to myself today, random thing like wanting to hold hands, falling in love with guitarists, having too many clothes... you know
I went to an activist organizing event today, my boss was there, we discussed whether we were down to get arrested at a housing foreclosure, I think she might be down and that makes me super proud.
A concert tomorrow.
Starting to feel sorry for myself.
Way too many pictures in 2007 (reviewing so as to print) so far practically none for 2009.
I spent so much time trying to capture people at their most beautiful, something to hold on to you know?
Knowing all things end, even then I felt sad many of those nights.
Been having all these thoughts about what is right to pursue, how to frame things, what perspective one should choose... has something to do with spring -possibilities of something new.
Speaking of new, my eyes are everywhere.
Caught some good music last night
singing lots of songs to myself today, random thing like wanting to hold hands, falling in love with guitarists, having too many clothes... you know
I went to an activist organizing event today, my boss was there, we discussed whether we were down to get arrested at a housing foreclosure, I think she might be down and that makes me super proud.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Have I mentioned I love Elizabeth Warren?
She is AMAZING
so honest, so smart, but in such a horrible position.
Also Jon Stewart is always amazing as well... but you knew that.
so honest, so smart, but in such a horrible position.
Also Jon Stewart is always amazing as well... but you knew that.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Dying Song
I'm going away, forever,
I'm going away, forever,
Never coming back this way,
Never coming back to this place.
What I need is a heaven,
What I really need is a heaven,
A place to go where I can really be,
A place to go where I can really be
Where I can really be.
Dreaming my life away, counts for nothing,
Dreaming my life away, counts for nothing,
But nothing ever is the end,
No, nothing ever is the end.
It's sure been a full life for me, yeah
It's sure been a full life for me, yeahh
It's sure been a full life for me, baby, its sure been a full life for me
*****Steve sent me this. Its typical Frusciante (the goofy picture is of him) but its from the Brown Bunny soundtrack so its not readily available. I think its very touching, but its hard to know if others would appreciate his blend of openness about death.
My family is grieving the death of my Grampa. They each have their own perspective, hard to know what mine is and if its valid. There is a memorial on Sunday and a funeral service and banquet on Monday. We are all supposed to be involved in the funeral process. Some of my uncles and cousins barely talk to eachother.
If there is one thing I am really glad about, it is that my gramps dropped his pride and reconciled with everyone before he died. Our family has been full of a lot more positivity in the past few years.
The three lines that I love from this song:
What I really need is a heaven,
A place to go where I can really be,
Dreaming my life away, counts for nothing,
But nothing ever is the end,
It's sure been a full life for me
I told steve I wouldn't mind being the first of us to die... in fact I would rather it be that way. He didn't really respond, but I think he understood. If I do die, please play all the frusciante you want. Also find something to dance to. And if my family seems uncomfortable, steve will take care of it.
I'm going away, forever,
Never coming back this way,
Never coming back to this place.
What I need is a heaven,
What I really need is a heaven,
A place to go where I can really be,
A place to go where I can really be
Where I can really be.
Dreaming my life away, counts for nothing,
Dreaming my life away, counts for nothing,
But nothing ever is the end,
No, nothing ever is the end.
It's sure been a full life for me, yeah
It's sure been a full life for me, yeahh
It's sure been a full life for me, baby, its sure been a full life for me
*****Steve sent me this. Its typical Frusciante (the goofy picture is of him) but its from the Brown Bunny soundtrack so its not readily available. I think its very touching, but its hard to know if others would appreciate his blend of openness about death.
My family is grieving the death of my Grampa. They each have their own perspective, hard to know what mine is and if its valid. There is a memorial on Sunday and a funeral service and banquet on Monday. We are all supposed to be involved in the funeral process. Some of my uncles and cousins barely talk to eachother.
If there is one thing I am really glad about, it is that my gramps dropped his pride and reconciled with everyone before he died. Our family has been full of a lot more positivity in the past few years.
The three lines that I love from this song:
What I really need is a heaven,
A place to go where I can really be,
Dreaming my life away, counts for nothing,
But nothing ever is the end,
It's sure been a full life for me
I told steve I wouldn't mind being the first of us to die... in fact I would rather it be that way. He didn't really respond, but I think he understood. If I do die, please play all the frusciante you want. Also find something to dance to. And if my family seems uncomfortable, steve will take care of it.
Monday, April 06, 2009
"If theres a war on drugs goin on...... how come they're all around?"
Ever notice how whenever anyone says they are having serious pain, like 6 people jump out and say they have/can get them some serious pain killers?
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Chickenshit to Stand
I think my Grampa is dying in the hospital right now about 4 hours away.
Thats what I have been told, through others. I don't know what to say.
I am having very strong selfish (protect) yourself feelings.
I am also having very strong guilt feelings because of that.
I am not sure what else to say.
There are plenty of thoughts.
But mostly I just want a massage.
Thats what I have been told, through others. I don't know what to say.
I am having very strong selfish (protect) yourself feelings.
I am also having very strong guilt feelings because of that.
I am not sure what else to say.
There are plenty of thoughts.
But mostly I just want a massage.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Feeling sort of brain dead. Didn't accomplish anything this afternoon except taking movies back to blockbuster. I suppose its ok to relax like that, but I was supposed to do wonderful things with my life (or so I pictured). I had some nice dreams, in one there was someone laying next to me, we were negotiating our comfort levels.
I reread like 3 months of 2006 on here.
Similar to how I obsess about work now, I realize I spent a lot of college obsessing about classes and homework. How easily strained and stressed by such meaningless tasks and yet they start to become who you are.
What should we teach about tomorrow?
I reread like 3 months of 2006 on here.
Similar to how I obsess about work now, I realize I spent a lot of college obsessing about classes and homework. How easily strained and stressed by such meaningless tasks and yet they start to become who you are.
What should we teach about tomorrow?
