and so it begins

One of my best friends is getting married in like a week. She just got engaged but it makes sense for their situation. By just got engaged I mean Sunday.
I saw the pictures on facebook and texted her. She has lived in Canada for a long time so I don't get to see her nearly as much as I would if she lived here, but still, when I think about people I care about she's right up at the top still.
I am really happy for her, everything seems to be coming together in a great way and she deserves it. (((this might sound mean, but I have always seen her as someone who really does deserve her happiness and I don't know why she gets elevated to some more important class, but fuck it, thats my bias))) So I am happy....
but I got really anxious waiting to hear from her.

Its like the world makes its move sometimes and you don't really get an obvious signal, but all of a sudden things are different, and you are playing by new rules, and you aren't necessarily sure what they are, and thats scary, but different can be good, different can be exciting, different can be happiness.

I gotta say too, its weird. I use the words love so casually sometimes, but moments like this make me realize how much I mean it... and maybe this is the good situation (unlike say... freaking out from a nightmare or something) but one of my loves, my genuine real loves is going to be married. Just because she was never my girlfriend doesn't mean its not weird. How many hours can you spend talking and thinking about a person, their goals, thoughts, dreams etc... before you realize their life does matter to you... and not in some intellectualized way, but in the way where their existence is intertwined with yours on whatever level... but forever... I feel like the words we use in english don't make sense, I'd say I feel "threatened"- but I don't, I feel "loss" but thats not quite it either. Its certainly an awareness of something...
but either way, even if its through wet eyes or a tight stomach, you genuinely smile because they are happy. You trust them. You extend your faith to those they love and make room for them in your heart.
the expansion of the heart... maybe thats what this feeling is.