Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Overflowing with desire to let go, express, purge etc. Yet I feel like I got nothing to say, so maybe just babble till something comes out.

This weekend was an interesting experience. I enjoyed myself a lot, but I am not sure everyone around me did. I guess we all get too caught up in ourselves to forget that others are going through similar things, regardless of who or what they are.

I haven't been doing many artistic things lately. Not much drawing, or writing and certainly no playing or recording music. makes me feel very unproductive. I have been reading a lot. Various things but mostly the twilight books.

I'm not even watching movies all that often. I have had a few sitting around waiting for me to watch them and I just don't.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I am an interesting person, interesting enough for people to like and want to spend time with, other times not so much. Today is starting to feel like a not so much.

I got home and just wanted someone to touch me, hold me, brush my hair or something. Show me they loved me in some ridiculous non talk way. I remember feeling that way a lot when I was in relationships, but also lavishing attention in similar ways sometimes to the point where the people became uncomfortable, maybe because I wasn't sure where the boundaries were all the time.

I taught 4 classes out of 5 today. I was pretty beat, and the second class was a battle. It was me and some of the more responsible students vs a bunch of kids who want to have their way despite the fact that they are 18-19 and still in high school... they act like the world revolves around them... I asked them to take some responsibility for themselves they pushed it back at me saying I needed to be more strict. Sometimes in situations like this I attempt to lead by example -like I would do with a friend, take responsibility for myself, react calmly etc... but I have found with teenagers sometimes they interpret that as weakness or not caring... and that's really an interesting reaction. -Apparently if I ask a person to do something in a respectful manner, I am not being forceful enough.

I tried to be really nice to this one girl and she literally said "I dislike you, and don't respect you" I said that was pretty mean, she continued so I cut her off and moved to the next person. A lot of people would have kicked her out of class... for me it seemed like she was venting her frustration from a confrontation a few days ago in a highly inappropriate manner, but still... people deserve a chance right?

I have students who defend me... its nice but it shouldn't be their job.


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I guess I am really confused about what I want right now. I keep having all these wonderful experiences, getting to know people, enjoying myself, loving life, but things like this shouldn't or don't depend on a single person... yet I feel like I should be trying to find something, title something, tie something down and by that I apparently mean a woman.
Awkward idea, weird to think that I can't just sit back and appreciate and be grateful... its that whole "simplicity" idea... she has to be tied down so you don't worry...
but her freedom is her beauty right?

What mistakes or attempts am I willing to make on my own behalf?
-I often think I can do things on behalf of others... but its harder to accept or appreciate your own desires, they are too mixed and blended, I'd say my desires are a smoothie, but they do not feel smooth.
I guess I will go read pseudo romance novels... and sulk till the morning.