Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Friendship is such a weird thing. After years of having friends you'd think you'd be used to it but no. A struggle and a joy.
Tonight I was surrounded by some friends, getting to know new ones, regaling stories of old ones, missing ones and lost ones. I spent part of the night wondering about some. Worried about some. Feeling guilty about some. I spent the entire evening with my best guy friend, who for the most part has been absent for 7 years of my life, yet I love him still. I spent time wondering if some of these friends would remain close, and why I only see some every 6 months, yet if I were to think about people who I enjoyed (genuinely) they would be on that list. I spent time considering whether I would see certain loved ones again, or whether it was too informal (or stepping on toes) to sign "I love you -mike" instead of just "love -mike" in the book of one whom I do love. I discussed the future of friendships and why it wasn't as easy with someone who just returned and how though I wish he would make it easy again... it might not be possible without a commitment, or simply because I was so unable (afraid) or so busy(exhausted). Four friends texted or called me tonight while I was unable to hear my phone. A friend of loved friend, drunkenly told me that when she was writing her speech, she just tried to channel what I would say... and though I never met this woman, I felt touched, and then I felt like a bad friend because I could remember very little about this friend and former roommate of my friend. A friend told me I needed to stop feeling bad about another friend, because I need to live my own life, but I am not sure I am capable. When people were gathering at the tables, I saw the spots diminishing one by one, and noted that there were only 4 spots left and 3 extra people(7 total). I could have taken the spots but I didn't want anyone else to feel left out... so I continued to let them go. Some friends are getting married tomorrow. Part of me wants to go, part of me feels obligated, part of me doesn't want to go. I have no excuse and so I will probably go... but I will never be the life of the party, just the one who makes sure everyone has a seat.
I know its odd, but I miss her already.