Things one thinks about upon waking.

Or at least I do.

Tattoos.

Suicide for a purpose.

Let me paint the picture for you.

For some reason when I woke up I was thinking about getting a tattoo, which seems perfectly reasonable in my book and thus I started designing that tattoo in my head. The idea was simple, it would look like a hole had been ripped open in my upper arm and that vines of all sorts were coming out and spreading down my arm or other places. I couldn't quite figure out why this appealed to me until I recognized what spreading vines mean to me, which is "hope," hope that even if things go wrong, my body can be reclaimed by the earth and that good things will be done with it. This would be on my left arm, the one the peace sign and heart are on, because the point is to remember these things first.

Honestly: I feel like this tattoo has done its job, and lately I have been thinking of what to put on my right arm. On my right arm in a similar place I have been thinking about getting my "taffyman" character holding a sign that says "be the change you wish to see" which is some cheesy bullshit I know but the idea of the taffyman character is that he is able to morph into what he wants, and in a similar fashion this tattoo would say to me, Mike you actually have to work to do the things you want to do. So on my left, the values I wish to believe in, the things I hold dear and the idea is patience and love rather than acting quickly and being angry... the right being the change, making the change I wish to see in the world... acting with integrity... on my left arm the vines spreading from inside saying "if nothing else, the world will reclaim you, love and beauty and life will reclaim you." and on the right... in a similar fashion...
the hole would be made by red and blue tubes and metal wires, twisting down my arm to challenge the taffyman character...
the change you wish to see vs the reality of this world the cold technology the hard and fast paced the obstructions and rationalizations, the excuses the modernity.

So that was the plan for the tattoo.... but I also woke up with a different thought which I wrote alot about elsewhere tonight which was this: Mike you have heard a million secrets and not one has ever phased you about the person or made you think worse... you couldn't judge because you feel worse than them. (which is another blog in itself)
but here is where the two come together...
the tattoos... the negativity.

If the purpose of the tattoos is to try to make myself better... and if I am worse than most people, aren't they more deserving of my body? Couldn't they use an arm, a leg, an eye, a liver more effectively and positively than I?
So I started thinking all 7 pounds (the movie)
what would be the most effective use of my life... and I started wondering if it were possible to give up these things before the "end" of my life would that be a good use?
Would it be better to give someone a second chance, or to improve their life if it meant ending mine?
Yes I have a martyrdom complex and always have (as far as I remember)... but I started planning out who to talk to and how to make that work... and this is all before I even got out of bed to check my e mail...
Well thats what morning thoughts are like.

Illy said to me, "you really obsess over the worst things" I said, exactly... so I am prepared.