small world


I was over at Ben O's house in park, with gabs and some cats, and Ben's friend Tim showed up with this girl who was real small and looked young and all, and though she looked familiar i didn't really think anything of it, afterall lisa (ben's sis) had her friends over and whatever.
Later she is asking me my name and she goes i think i know your brothers, and she says they are younger than me, so im thinking, na that cant be right but maybe she knows steve, so yeah i ask, and it turns out this girl went to tanzania with my family back 2 years ago when my mom took a more "touristy" style trip. (they saw mad lions) anyway so we start talking and that was cool but way weird, thats about it. and i got mad cats in my heart tonight.. so yall take care and know im wondering bout ya

My apologies to anyone who started reading this regularly again. It has been a few days and will be a few more till you get some regular posts.

I finished my final with help from becky and got a 47/50 on it. its worth 40% of the grade which means i probably got an A
i ended work last week and am now free to do some summer projects.
one of which is typing up poetry and is the reason why i will be bringing my comp to sioux falls while i work on another --- interviewing my grandpa. I have been talking to my dad and my aunt and am excited to get started. After that i am home for a few days and i really dotn know how im gonna see everyone im supposed to see, it sucks but i got some cats who are leaving the country and its really important that i get to hang out with them a bit, even though both of em are in agreement that spending time apart (for us) doesnt change anything. which is comforting but its hard to think about not seeing them for a long time.

arpund the 8th-9th zach and I will set off to CO to fuck around with pete for a few days, hes apparently single now so those boys may try to get in trouble and i will have to be sober cab (which is fine with me, i just like to pretend that im complaining sometimes) anyway, that will be fun. then we will head up northwestish i think, to glacier national park i think and maybe stop to see aimee, whom i didnt have a chance to catch while she was in town.

then we drop pete, come back i get my room cleaned up and pack and head off to morris. to play tricks on freshpeople. i am supremely happy and everything is going my way so i have to assume some catastrophe soon.

thanks to becky and her family for this weekend, accomodations, support, car, help with homework etc. life is muy bueno. peace and love yall, peace and love

halfway through a stats final that is due at 6:00pm still got much work to do, sorry i have not posted, new tires on my ride, new brakes manana, then off to south dakota. then to infinity and beyond

and now for some john frusciante lyrics before i go to the last day of work and spend the night doing stats

anne you cant hide
you know we'll find you
its a matter where pride flys out the window
i never got the weight off the ground
i just forgot whats up and whats down
how many get the way i feel now?
theres no regret theres just the sense that
nothing is coming my way
theres so much that happened today
the god's of the city have called my name
it means more to them than it means to me
i've left my body i've left my fate
but it is so hard to keep away
now
nothing is final because
it seems all the while
there wasnt anything for me
i always faked my smile
so many careless angels responsibe for me
they give me disease
they give me a pain in my neck to feed off me
saying pay us the cost and we'll be gone
now they've shut my eyes and I cant see
now
these are the times i was scred of
these are the fates i've pushed out of the way
now they've have come back here to haunt me
its plain to see who the winner and loser will be

shitty day at work left me feeling tired and exhausted and beat, left me sleeping for 5 hours and not visiting illy at work, left me complaining to becky.
but on the plus side? left me with two days left of work at the BS. got two assignments and a final left in stats, got plans to make with my dad steve zach and pete. got people to see like, illy gabs, aimee, ashley, michael a, amy, sarah, and maybe you.
got cds and poetry to print for james and his road trip.
got sopme shit to buy, and if tom is serious about being roomies he better get on to calling his guy.
one more day of pottery hopefully everything will work out, still need to get paint. ya know, the summer is wrapping up and we still got time, but maybe not with me

Im takin geography class so i might as well start studying but for a guy who draws maps when he should be taking notes,
im doing only okay on this,
europe test lots of times it really just depends on what they give you to start,
out of 5 tries i averaged about 87% right,

to clarify the last stuff my last name is ha--ar an americanized variation of hajjar a very common arabic (especially lebanese syrian) last name, im not entirely sure but hajjar may come from "stone" or "stoneworker" which would technically be the same thing jesus was. also hagar is a woman in the early sections of the bible. my name michael is also biblical, michael is an archangel, there are two clearly obvious biblical characters named joesph in the bible as well (jesus's father, and joseph with the coat) both josephs in a senses were able to support and allow their people to thrive considering both were ridiculed and oppressed and different times. The reason i say all this is my family is lebanese, some lebanese people claim to be arab, others do not but they are all part of that magical family that brought about three of the world's largest religions. so i felt especially offended when i realized that the custom's agents who have stopped me very well could have recognized my last name as being tied to this area of the planet (the middle east) and profiled... my dad was recently also taken aside, though he was okay with it,(which bothers me) and it bothers me that many people all over the country with my same last name and other arabic names are not being given the respect and fair treatment theu deserve.

so i wanted to write a series of poems about these incidents that have happened to me, and this is the first one. its not perfect and i think i forgot a couple lines (i tend to write shit in my head and then try to remember it on paper)

but uh we shall see if these other ones actually get written
topics included my name (hajjar) one specific customs agent's lecture to me, sort of the topic in general of being held at an airport and some other stuff i dont remember

but this is the basis of them all

"Customs

Customs agents have stopped me at the border three times

Me thinks its not by coincidence,
So lets describe these incidents…

Coming home to America
I wanted to kiss the soil
Hug and hold my family
Even pledge to be loyal
So sure this was the place for me
Surrounded by my loves
The moment I grabbed my bag off the machine
The customs agents grabbed their gloves

At Canada’s crossing been there many times
These last few have been the worst
But not the foreign side,
No but the home base of course
The “lines” I crossed led us to be held
The car held three children of American mothers
And I the last
to show my pass
accomplices became the others.

He looks like a drug addict a smuggler
Clearly a terrorist undercover
A tired skinny dirty traitor
A flag burning homeland freedom hater

We don’t know that he’s not in disguise
And when we ask we don’t believe his lies
“Where did you train? What drugs have you sold?”
“what is this Arabic!!? in your passport folds?
We want your secrets now that your caught in our net
you ask about profiling, well we can give you this helpful pamphlet.

They know not what they’re searching for
Yet they demand a guilty plea
Soul searching and withholding my anger
I am finally allowed to go free

once at the airport, neighbor’s borders twice
To be identified and denied my rights by little mice
Rodents all whom are taking orders from the top man
Who’s signs away security with a stroke of his bloody hands
Across the nation he initials
G W B
And this elected federal official
Signs away my liberty"

I hung out with nova today after work. Its weird that I dont feel strange at all hanging out with my brothers ex girlfriend when we were all wondering "whens the wedding?" good though, because it means securely that we have been friends all along (not that i was questioning that, just...) i spent the night talking too much, realizing im talking too much feeling stupid and then proceeding to do it again. (i have a bad habit of this, when i die it will say "he talked too much when he meant to listen, he liked listening still he talked, he talked too much and never got to the point and never expressed all of what he meant to say and thus kept talking when really he wanted to listen... what a tragic sillyness"

anyway robin s was there which was great cuz i have hung out with her (with nova) a few times and always feel very comfortable. plus she gets to update me on jessica which makes me worry but... anyway. we talked about traveling because she spent a semester in barcelona and loved it in that way that only people who have traveled can understand, she has a fondness for the place. i think i have lost that in many ways.

we were at this place called Nye's bar (i think) i felt weird cuz neither me nor nova got drinks. but they had an awesome band with three drummers (all different types) a alto sax i think a upright electric bassist and a electric guitarist and they played reggae and funk and jazz and a beautiful jamming mix and the singer played drums while he did it which me and nova thought was awesome but couldn figure out how you could keep the two very different parts going t the same time but he did it...

so it was really good night, except i talked too much of course.
nova is gonna go to israel.

many of my friends will be leaving for long periods of time, and im about to take a road trip during the month that will be the last time i am able to see them for awhile. its an aweful feeling yet we all sort of know its okay...

i posted that last one (satans bed) because for some reason im having a particularly hard time resisting temptation. something im working on, but apparently not putting enough effort into.

The problem is its tied to so many of my excited and happy feelings, sad i know, and yet what do you do to replace it? I mean i sit here and think about stuff and the thought of that temptation is a new dagger of excitement everytime and yet tied to so many thoughts and feelings and commitments that are so against it. The temptation justifies it's self in many ways, ways i have long been convinced by, even lived by to an extent, and this new path is uncertain, im not doing it for anyone but myself because there is no guarantee of any reward from the other, yet my day to day thoughts are pushed back by convincing myself that they will be proud and thus happy, and thus loving, and supportive to a greater extent, and that cycle replays itself and ties back into the temptation in the first place.

so how to break the bonds of this temptation cycle?
i sit, contemplate, distract, feel sad- wonder if that sadness is in direct correlation maybe too the reason i can't think right now, the reason i cant sleep etc. judge, respond-- response so far has been good... but relief? no...

i wish i could use this to some better purpose but i feel drained instead, i feel less alive, less happy. and when im there I cant get enough of her, as if im trying to fill some void in my self through the use of my reaching hands and even further reaching imagination.

and find the occasional pearl jam quote to fill this need to express it all...
"immortality"
vacate is the word...vengeance has no place on me or her
cannot find the comfort in this world
artificial tear...vessel stabbed...next up, volunteers
vulnerable, wisdom can't adhere...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on...
but there's a trapdoor in the sun...immortality...
as privileged as a whore...victims in demand for public show
swept out through the cracks beneath the door
holier than thou, how?
surrendered...executed anyhow
scrawl dissolved, cigar box on the floor...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on too...
he saw the trapdoor in the sun...
immortality...
i cannot stop the thought...i'm running in the dark...
coming up a which way sign...all good truants must decide...
oh, stripped and sold, mom...auctioned forearm...
and whiskers in the sink...
truants move on...cannot stay long
some die just to live...
ohh...

PEARL JAM - Satan's Bed Lyrics (off vitalogy possibly the best of their cds?)


it's not all been said...been said and done...
i've never slept in satan's bed
although i must admit...still visits my place
uninvited, as you know, he don't wait
funny how he always seems to fit in
funny how i always want to give in
sundays, fridays, tuesdays, thursday, the same
sometimes the special guest, he don't like to leave
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...
who made, who made up, made up the myth
that we were born to be covered in bliss?
who set the standard, born to be rich?
such fine examples, skinny little bitch
model, role model, roll some models in blood
get some flesh to stick, so they look like us
i shit and i stink, i'm real, join the club
i'd stop and talk, but i'm already in love
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...
in love...ah ha ha ha...
ah torture...follows reward...
follows torture...follows reward...
oh, oh my butt...
never shook satan's hand, look see for yourself
you'd know it if i had, that shit don't come off
i'll rise and fall, let me take credit for both
jump off a cliff, don't need your help so back off
i'll never suck satan's dick...
again, you'd see it, you know, right round the lips
i'll wait for an angel, but i won't hold my breath
'magine they're busy, think i'm doing okay...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...

I actually did post once inbetween now and that last one but it got erased. I didnt feel the need to retype it so it must not have been very important.

I got an 82% on my midterm which is worth 30% of the grade in the class, the next assignment is like 11 pages long and due tuesday night, got me mighty worried, since i work a sun and tuesday and was trying to have some other plans, see some cats and shit but i guess that aint gonna happen.

Had lunch with my dad today at a malt shop off snelling and 494. i basically blabbed the whole time and i felt bad but just kept talking. its sort of a bad habit. Becky gets mad at me for it, and i know its stupid but its just so easy to talk about nothing when u aint got nothing real to talk about.

gonna have dinner with my brothers at the mongolian barbeque and we will probably ahve an hour wait or something cuz we talking out going at 6:00

right so, like a half a month of stats probably seven more days of work (in 2 weeks)
gotta see a bunch of cats.
7 days remain show on the 28th
giving up porn
friends with becky (for now)

plasure pause III is amazing

i got this stats midterm due manana before i go to work. its pretty harsh, i have had it for a few days and havent gotten shit done, so tonight its like mandatory, nothin fun stats stats stats

Siren

She sang like the wind howling through dusty mountains
The tone reversed seasons
And shattered the glass walls
Of our eyes
The feeling was cotton candy
and nails
and we consumed
it despite the red of the rust
warm tears of pain flowed freely

No, tears of joy
She was a chamber of
Chaos
And
Forced it through holes
like a hose
Trying to direct a waterfall

The red light of analysis flicked on in us
Disturbing the weak in
The crowd

She ripped the organs from her chest
And gave them to us
The screaming of gentle abuse
The microphone began to choke her
Still she refused to give up
Dry screams
Die out

so i know this is gonna sound stupid and all, but i ate like a quarter of a pie and i been feeling sick lately, like im ODing on sugar, its sort of rediculous.
I feel all hung over and shit from sugar....

i watched magnolia tonight when i should have been doing my mid term for stats, i may do that now, but i gotta wake up early today to go to the pottery class, and we all behind and shit is fucked up but i cant really do anything to help it... so yeah, and then i got work, and then ryan wants to go to some cd release party at the 5th element at 11 or midnight or something... eh ya know but it will give me a chance to buy the new sims cd me thinks..

oh lordy what am i doing in life?

as some of you may remember, when i was younger, i wrote a lot of shitty poetry. I use to type it up, but i would type it up in several different programs, and often save it in e mail form which wasn't good...
so it got erased, at least the typed versions.

One of my goals this summer was to retype all of that old shit and start writing some new shit. We shall see, if the second part comes true but i got a bit of a start yesterday on the first part. so for lack of other posts, you will probably have to suffer through some of this...

I wrote this when I was 15

Tainted Nation

This land you live on now,
First found by ice age cavemen
Overdeveloped gorillas, didn’t know who or why or when,
Their only goal to hunt, and survive
Evolution steps in
Tribes of humans start to thrive.

Alien men show up in the water with the sun
Funny looking clothes,
Skin as pale as ghosts
Bright colored hair, fire sticks, 2 x 4s set in a cross
War breaks out, plague takes out, mass population loss

False treaties signed, war kills still,
The body count at hundreds of mil,
White man assimilates, try to break the will,
Of the people who stand proud till they killed.

In Africa colonization begins with slave forts
Europeans trade goods, for slaves at every sea port,
Middle passage is hell
Made worse by the smell
And the “goods” lives end way too short.

Tortured in a small boat, like a dog in a cage,
Make em sick and malnourished, to keep them from rage
No energy to fight back,
And the whip stings when cracked
But the land brings hope
Until they realize nope
Its just another ort to be sold at
Fat white man with a hat
Demands they speak English
For their new found master
“too slow!! Speak faster!!
Cuz that strong one looks like a laster,
For the tobacco fields”
But the master still wields,
The power
In the form of a whip
Like back in the ship
It’s a never ending pain trip.

War with Mexico or Europe seemingly long past
With the first signs of industry popping up fast
Civil war and the outcome, a good day in theory
But though things change a lot, they still don’t change
Racism runs rampant through the hills through the streets
Still a white power nation in control at the judge’s seat
“you drank from a white fountain, used a white bathroom?”
KKK will get you wake up dead in a tomb

19th amendment in history pretty rare,
all of a sudden selfish men learned to share
things may have changed with women’s votes
but the great depression left people without fuel or coats.

Early 20th century, world war shocks the ground,
Gunfire, bombs, and stomping boots are the sound
You hear when you walk on the decaying streets
Of any European town

The cities are in shambles, the camps
Reek of a horrible smell
Though this time its decaying bodies, hurting people, burned to hell
Gas warfare, and napalm
Destroy everything that’s calm
Radio reports of bombs hitting pearl harbor
And machine guns start blazing
Nuclear warfare, people burning while gazing
At the mushroom cloud in the sky
D-day a semi sane world dies

Society suddenly thrusts into a place
Cold war threatens, “Children cover your face!”
Under the desks when you hear the alarm
Don’t know much about it but a nuke will do you harm

Still today people can’t cross a hill, fence or street,
Why do they need to cross just to survive just to eat?
We sit here watching TV in a leather seat
Ask yourself this one while you eat that tasty dairy queen treat
Has America been tainted by cheaters trying to cheat
Minorities always struggling
On plantations they felt the heat
Or modern day society
Feeling police dogs breath on their feet
Always fighting back cuz they know they cant be beat
Never ever except defeat

Society is made up of people so this is what I ask of it
What’s up with this past and present pattern of bigotry us hypocrites
Discrimination aint got no place in this people or from our governments
We cannot sit here doing nothing nor just talking all about this shit
Change may take awhile but we can help at least a little bit.

Ryan and adrianne both have good posts, ryan a bit more worldly and sad, but adriannes is sad too. so check them out


tempted to write love letters
he knows that there is something better
doubt keeps him stammering,
back to the standard
guilt sends its messengers
contemplation brings up nothing new
stuttering with simplicity
he wonders what to do?

I had Itunes on random, 3 songs in a row written by drug addicts, then went to work several more.... alice in chains, sublime, blind melon

I was thinking about all these songs and how the lyricists describe their addiction, all consuming, yet glorified in many ways. I was thinking about how artists often try to express themselves, their lives what they love and life in general, often they become incredibly frustrated trying to capture something so immense and beautiful and scary and all the millions of things life is...

I started wondering if drug addicts become relieved in a sense, that all consuming addiction becomes their life and in many ways could be so much easier to describe.
An all consuming life style impossible to escape from, outside the norm, illicits all the same feelings as life only in the extreme.

its very strange to think these people are living their metaphor.

listening to fugazi while i try to do stats work,


some of you might find this hypocritical


fugazi

"SUGGESTION
why can't i walk down a street free of suggestion?
why can't i walk down a street free of suggestion?!!!!
is my body my only trait in the eye's of men?
in the eye's of men?!!!
i've got some skin!!
and you want to look in!!
I've got some!
there lays no reward
in what you discover
you spent yourself!!!
watching me suffer
suffer you words!!
suffer your eyes!!!
suffer your hands!!
suffer your interpretation....
of what it is
of what it is
of what it is
to be a man!!!!
i've got some skin!!!
you want to look!!!!
i've got some!!!
she does nothing to deserve it
he looks at her cuz he wants to observe it
we sit back like they taught us
we keep quiet like they taught us
he just wants he wants to prove it
she does nothing to remove it
we don't want anyone to mind us
so we play the roles that they assigned us
she does nothing to conceal it
he touches her 'cause he wants to feel it
we blame her for being there
but we are all guilty
Guilty!!!!"

some blind melon lyrics, theres an interesting metaphor in this creepy song

"I'll make a shoehorn outta your skin
I'll make a lampshade of durable skin
And oh, don't you know that I'm always feelin' able
When I'm sittin' home and I'm carving out your navel

When will I realize that this skin I'm in
Hey, it isn't mine
And when will the kill be too much meat for me to hide on

Hey, I could really use a couple of hands
To complete one hell of a plant stand
Oh, and don't you know that I'm caught here in the middle
Making rib cages into coffee tables
I'm just makin' em into coffee tables

And when I realize that this skin I'm in
Hey, it isn't mine
And when will the thrill be too much meat for me to find anymore

Oh, because you know I can't hide
But oh how hard I try
But this is just the shape I'm in, oh yeah
And though you know I can't hide
But oh how hard I try
But this is just the shape I'm in "


shannon hoon's vocal style (the singer (deceased)) reminds me of like janis joplin in that he seems to just give his all sometimes... its really beautiful

statisticas


upon returning home rom dinner and a movie(wa of the worlds) friday night, becky informed me that it was in fact the 1st of the month (cue music) or rather, had been as it was now 12:05, and I in desperation checked the stats website to be informed so coldly of that hard dead truth.

And so it began, for the next few hours I struggled against time, my own will and becky's will, to ge my now late homework done, not only that, but for a time I was sure that i would just quit the class. Becky wouldnt let me. She said she would help, and she did.
Then we worked out a game plan that the entire necxt day would be reserved for stats, we would get 3-4 assignments ahead so that I could stop this silly stressful process of last minute turn ins and threatening quitting.
So we returned to my house, and the website is down. and remains down.
so i still havent turned in that assignment, and im not able yet to access the next couple of assignments. which sucks cuz now i have like 5 days of work to add to the mix. so basically i no longer have time, bu becky is gonna try to come over this afternoon and hopefully the website will be back. i got her dinner as a downpayment for her tutoring.

IMPORTANT IMPORTANT

new supreme court judge, e mail congress people!!!!

http://www.moveonpac.org/protectourrights/?id=5730-4131077-zCpCs3Dxp5paiUmu6cVmag

i hollered lordy lordy have mercy on me


trying to get some shit together with zach and hols and gabs and my gil and shit and the progress is slow...

lets see me and tom are trying to switch so that are roommates room together and I and he chill. it ill be real interesting if it works out for better or for worse or something, it will be interesting...

i need new tires!!! 2 of em for sure, within a month me thinks. so i was looking through my glove compartment thing for the receipt to the tires i got few years ago to see if they had a warranty, and i didnt find it. but i did find some old pics of me and nikki (first and only "real" ex girlfriend) which was weird, i thought it weird that i would forget something like that, especially because i have always been mad i dont have more pics of that time. so it was a set of copies of 1 pic (did that make sense?) and now im wondering if i should send her the other.

some shit about this:
we havent talked in like years.
we have avoided talking when we see eachother
we ended on bad terms (kinda)
both of us have moved on, in life, relationships, as people (but i live in the past a lot with truamatic things)
I want to apologize for the bad terms, but have already
I want to thank her for something she did after we broke up that I really appreciated, and havent yet

I feel like the last two validate using this opportunity to send her a letter but it still feels strange.

I feel babyish for even making this into an over dramtic event.


any thoughts?????

trippy visuals

so I just wrote a poem and it got erased by blogger,

I dont remember how it went, maybe later I wil try to recreate or make it better, anyway it was called

"contemplation of the forcing of the transitional march"

so da deal is, and if you have been reading at all you know this, im working at a baker square. but... im not making the kind of money i want to, and i dont always like being there so. Zach and pete are apparently going out hiking/camping in august, and im thinking i dont need this shit, so im gonna quit like either the first week or after the first week of august. but what i need to know is, should i tell them now- with the possibility that they will give me less hours so they can train someone else in? or do i wait a few weeks and screw them over?

right now im saying at the end of next week i will tell them... does that seem reasonable?


my second day of pottery class went better than the first, kids talked a bit more, they got a lot accomplished and then the class was over...
many of them are skipping next week cuz of the holiday, and i think that might make it a bit easier to give individual help. (there are normally 13, 12 today I think)

I have something like 6 tupperware containers full of projects they want fired.
I still have to contact the lady about that...

Hmm the second episode of the new real world is on tonight...


Oh i have a stats class which started yesterday and already i am ready to quit, just not in the school mentality and its hard to be motivated when you dont enjoy the subject, but i got a 75% on my first learning check so i better step up or im gonna get a C, all this shit is due manana, 60 pages of reading 2 lerning checks and an assignment i think.

oh well
you be the one with the streaks and the glimmer
i'll fake a chance and scam like im a winner

So i know this is becoming a pretty popular blog, (the link not me) but i think its interesting enough that i should throw out a link so, post secret

I started my stats class today and already got some problems wrong, which is a great way to start I think, cuz the material gets harder and i get lazy-er so c+? actually im hoping for a b...

I just finished a book called listen, little man! by a guy named wilhelm reich, its an interesting read, the author is a freudian based pyschoanalyst as well as a scientist, doctor and more, he developed a theory of Orgonamy which has been banned by the fda and by banned i mean complete... books burned and seized etc, he actully got locked up for a few years. anyway he is quite a megalomaniac or whatever ut at the same time I would almost say this book should be required reading. He doesnt go into any organized details or any theories but in a very almost drugged babbling rant complains and dispells the foundations of society and our organizing principles and such... its hard to understand sometimes because he doesnt seem to edit at all, but its got some good stuff and some interesting pictures every couple pages.

in the end he comes to a sort of conclusion about, if people would just live forthemselves, take pride and love what they do and who they are with then there would be no need to fight, hurt, save or cure anybody because everything would be right again. its strange though how the concepts of the time play into his somewhat distorted view of things. i dunno this is a shitty unorganized review of an unorganized book.

i got a lot of secrets and all, but really i wish everything was on the table all the time, its frustrating when yo cant talk about things openly.

I keep almost posting and then forgetting or being like "na shit aint got nothin"
If you havent figured it out (and maybe I said it already) but im trying to post more often, sadly so far this hasnt gotten anyone to come back, but maybe in el futuro, this place will be like an oasis in the middle of a jungle, or a desert with out dessert so you dont ruin your appetite. or something...
::::and then after a brief dispute with the phone and the chair and their tangling methods he returned triumphant:::::

Last week when becky went out of town it was kinda nice cuz my friends happened to be available at the same time and I didnt have to like be stressed or anxious about disappointing anyone this week, it seems we make plans to make plans and then delay those plans till later... which is cool, but i should be getting stuff done then and im not. like reading the first chapter of my stats book or whatever cuz it starts monday and the first check quiz thing is wednesday. or finishing the book im reading listen, little man! which is really quite brilliant sometimes in expressing and capturing and rounding up the frustration we have with the people of the world for not living in a better way.
or being an up right gentleman...

Gabs was talking about maybe going to a movie, she wanted to see crash which which i highly recommend but since i have already seen it I would personally like to see something else, which sucks because no one wants to see batman...

I wish i had something nice to say but i dont, and i dont wrap up things in nice neat little packages

"oh fuck what do i do!!"


Saw Madagascar last night, it was funny and all but probably not as funny as i expected it to be, which is sad...
some good dancing though. they paint an unrealistically good view of zoos and animals and stuff, but its a kids movie so u know.

Trying to see a movie tonight with my pops but i dont know if that will happen, i felt bad for not getting him a fathers day gift, i went over to eat with him twice, that seemed like celebration enough.
but then i thought, oh maybe he will see the batman movie with me, doesnt sound like thats gonna happen.
maybe steve...

Yesterday was my first pottery class, and probably my first official teaching job, though it was for kids younger than i will be certified to teach, 8-11 yrs old and there are thirteen of them, and one seemed really pissed off or bored.
I ran out of stuff to tell them about 20 mins in to the class. It was rather quiet and the kids were shy, and i become a bumbling idiot when im nervous and no one else is talking so that was fun. I realized that the kids are pretty much down for anything but i already taught them about pinch coil and slab techniques so now im like "oh fuck what do i do!!" so thats cool you know.. I asked them stupid questions and now im gonna have to prepare real lesson plans. I wasnt even supposed to work today!! (thats not true its just a poorly misquoted quote) or something. so yeah, and then i had a horrible day at work where i just felt exhausted all night. and then we saw the movie and today seems like a better day, though i woke up tired as shit and had a bunch of strange ass psuedo nightmares and shit.

yall be good ya hear?

Me and Ill were talking about languages, I had spent half an hour watching the news in french at her dad's house, she was helping edit some translations for him. Her family history is rich in foreign cultures and it occurred to me that she ought to know like 5 lnguages, and she felt the same and was mad that her parents would ask when she was gonna take classes when they could have just brought her up speaking french hebrew arabic italian etc.

its weird for me, I know in reality I have just as much ability to learn a language as anyone else, not that I can even master english, but basic conversations in another language ought to be in reach and seem to be for everyone around me, at least lately. I often tell people I can understand spanish just cant speak it, and to an extent thats true but it takes a lot of concentration and helps enormously if they use hand gestures.
the guys at work are trying to teach me some spanish. Im glad in a lot of ways but I dont think I will ever pick up anything unless i live there and even then it seems like it would be more difficult than people make it out to be. Anyway i guess im fortunate in that I am constantly around people who are better then me.

The poem I wrote on Gabs streetside curb

self made majesty
mystirical
mystery
clearly accommodates
compliments
consolidates
the already fortunate
fictionally fantastic
others left in seeming solitude
desolate drastic

factually we got it wrong
errors in our ways
we psychosomatically
treat the rich like
they got it made
while they barricade up
their lawns,
lock and key,
fortify
while those without
live truly free
society
denies

purpose of a safety net
hold us back or keep us up?
Hit the ground
hit it hard
roll over shake it off
find it comforting
there is that base
the free fall breeds anxiety
on the ground a man is free
adorn and bow
his majesty

Socially ignant/foolish

I find myself in conversations lately doing the things that people are telling me they find irritating. Becky tried to tell me this many times and I got defensive, but realized she was right. Its just hard to change over night, i gotta learn to listen again. A certain friend of mine said shes no good with people anymore and yet people smile everytime they see she is working and her fellow employees beg for the opportunity to work shifts with her (or at least it seems that way) she would say she just works hard, but its more than that its the inner her yelling out, through "hey what can i get you today?"s hugs that mean something...

So I too cannot listen...
It was sad cuz Gabs was telling me about some cats she found frustrating and then described what i had been like in the hour of conversation before that. Then later with some other cats I found myself comparing and competing unnecesarily, and when i tried to stop the words would come out of my mouth with out me even thinking about them. they had the key to unlock the door i put up. its weird, i dont know if anyone but becky has noticed and maybe it takes someone so close to realize im straying down the wrong road, and im glad that she calls out to tell me to turn around or cut through the grass to get back on track.

I have weird fascinations with people from relationships that didnt pan out and werent ended properly. I also have extreme guilt and fear of meeting/seeing these people and its incredibly sad. I saw nick hanson last night at uptown express and he had two friends with him and looked really happy and it was so awesome but i couldnt even smile his way cuz i havent talked to that kid in years and even then didnt have a real conversation but i went to one of his birthday parties to the mn zoo and they got me dairy queeen and he was always overly nice...Im glad he seemed happy, im sorry i didnt say hi.

Me and gabs saw this movie (cant remember the title) about the union strike at ilver creek New Mexico and about half way into the movie I realized I had read an article in one of my women studies classes about the strike and how the community dealt with it, before during afterword, cuz the women basically end up doing as much work as the men and there is all sorts of social role reversal for awhile which hurts the guys egos.... etc.

you do the math im a weirdo.

Well on the way, Maybe I can get some pics up in the next few days, Me and gabs are goign to a movie tonight me thinks, just spilled orange juice on my keyboard ahhh!
HMMMMM summer projects completed
* got a job

summer projects in progress
* bout to start teaching pottery class (painting and comic book class got cancelled)
* read 2 and (2 halfs) of the 10 or so books im supposed to read this summer.
recommend wigfield, america the book, still reading michael moore's will they ever forgive us or whatever, and listen little man or something like that.
* Have started (with much progress updating itunes, but just got limewire and the added songs will probably fuck me up again

Not started
* not losing weight like I wanted to.
* not saving or earning enough like I wanted to.
* Not writing more like I wanted to.
* havent met with my gramps for first interview (maybe next week).
* Havent started typing up poetry.
* Havent been painting/drawing.
* Havent taken any trips (dont know if i will)

its gonna take awhile to get thise site up and running again, but some problems with the comments made me make drastic changes and now i got to get those links back which will take time, anyone remember what they were?

say goodbye to all the old comments, sorry oh the history wasted and maybe hello to the new???

Baker Square

So im a cook right?
no--not really, the more I work the less I feel like I know, and sometimes I work alone, which is scary, cuz im looking at the same menu the customers are to figure out what goes in what. The cats I work with are generally cool but emotions and tempers run high when you're in an environment where you have to depend on the person who was there before you or the night before or a week ago. for example the turkey takes like hours to bake so if its not baked it aint getting served at dinner -and we didnt make no fucking turkey today --cuz we didnt do enough prep yesterday (i was doing prep yesterday, and i looked over that list like 5 times and everything was done) but then there are always the few things u do a little less of and a little more of, like yesterday I made enough stuffing (also for the turkey dinner) to last all week, unfortunately i think it goes bad in 5 days, not that would stop anyone there from serving it...
anyway people are all hopped up on adrenochrome or something and they run around yelling and swearing and muttering under their breaths at eachother and then say have a nice day when you leave, and thanks and shit cuz they really are all very nice people.
I dont work enough to save much cash this summer, I was hoping to make like 3 thousand and now it looks like 2 thousand tops. but with work and a projects and classes and visits on the weekends I think i will be busy enough.

Im reading the book Wigfield by the strangers with candy cats, it is so funny at times you gotta tap the stranger next to you and read it to them, and the jokes dont seem to get old even though they all tend to have the same format of run on and random metaphors(that dont really make sense) or contrasting similies and such. its funny.

We went to see Mr and Mrs smith last night and its quite entertaining, but i dont think its all that memorable, like your not thinking about it 2 days later or anything, its mostly action comedy action comedy and the romance is like 3 mins and interrupted.

Delusions of Grandeur

So I had this dream last night, and I say dream because most of it was rather simple and though uncomfortable, reasonably pleasant. Later it turned into a nightmare and I woke up all gross and scared and shit.

So there were a bunch of us, sort of standing (trying to keep our balance, on a circular platform, with poles in the middle, but the platform was shaky at best and downright tipsy at worst and im fairly sure a few people did fall off, into what im not sure... sky maybe. Anyway we were all having a conversation while jumping back and forth to keep our balance and though the conversation was notably tense it was not outright mean or anything. More just extreme concern. As people were redistributing their weight the platform would adjust accordingly and it became noticeable that what was needed was a leader to tell everyone where to stand so that it was relatively equal. I took this role not by choice but rather because my tenseness demanded that I start talking (as I do when im tense) so I just started talking and saying things, and the people listened and eventually it all worked out. Then shortly after the whole balancing contraption was gone and we sat around a sort of patio with chairs and a round white table. There were 5 maybe 6 (there could have been more, but some came and left) of us including myself and im fairly sure that the people were some of my best friends, I got the impression most were men, and that I loved them like best friends, and but not family. The conversation continued and it was one of those deep conversations but one person(I don't know who) seemed to be distraught and angry, and the rest of us were trying to calm him or incite him or whatever we thought was best, but eventually he centered on his hatred of someone or something, and I questioned "hate? or anger?" and he asked what the difference was. and I told him something about how hatred is not worth it but anger is an emotion that we can learn from, like hatred shuts doors, while anger expresses our hurt (sometimes) but then we moved on into like better ways to express hurt, and eventually all of them were just listening to me and sort of understanding. They seemed to agree and so when I was done talking I walked down fro the patio on to other shaky platforms and could keep my balance and was a few good minutes away(it seemed like)when I heard running after me and not like happy running but like mob running, like angry running. So I turned around and saw all of my friends with hatred in their eyes trying to run and hurt me, and I was losing my balance again....
then I woke up.

I can tell im conceited but it reminds me of biblical stories

I dont know what my comments system isnt working.... i'd get right on top of that and all but i doubt anyone has been dying to get a hold of me or anything.
if you do need to
e mail hagg0055@mrs.umn.edu or Mikehaggar@msn.com

so i work at a baker square in st paul. I have been working every day thats why i dont see no one anymore and am always tired.
Im a cook and im trying real hard to remember everything, but it comes slow ya know.

other that that i dont really have shit to say. im a loser baby so why dont you kill me

not that anyone cares, but heres some things

i did the best ever in grades and i do mean "ever"

foundations and issues in ed (A)
drugs and human behavior (A)
Indigenous peoples of the world (A-)
Environmental geology (B)
Voice lessons (A)
U.S. History (A)

doesnt that just look pretty?


Im taking online stats in a month or so.

I may have gotten a job yesterday, I go in today for a three hour interview training thing
Baker square kitchen right by my house, so i can walk or bike there (not that i have a bike, or exercise, but im hopeful)

it was funny cuz the day before I had filled out like 10 applications for different places, took me like 2 hours and then the first one i go to hand in the lady is like what kind of job you looking for? I said anything and we talked a bit and im going in in like 45 mins.

I have become egotistical and obnoxious, and I have been hurtful to some of those who are closest to me.. and I try to hide it.

The mountain (inspired by Bernice Johnson Reagon. and everyone I have met, but especially Becky Illy and Aimee for all of our concerns)

Sometimes, forgetting
that the mountain is me
I jump off
falling I find my freedom
ignore pleas
and hands that reach for me
and when I hit
I hit hard
and roll down a few more steps

Sometimes, forgetting
that the mountain is you
I climb up
repressing feelings
losing my balance
I stumble some more
create my own fiction
fantasies
that I can climb alone

Sometimes, forgetting
that the mountain is us
I pass by lost people
ignore pleas for help
and blind my self
with shades
to create haze
around our inadequacies
in this way I say I am an individual

Sometimes, forgetting
that the mountain is our history
I confess
but do not consider
myself a part of the reoccurring
culture that inhibits
others to feel grounded
in the knowledge
that they are a valued part and surrounded
by our mountain

I woke up with this in my head(the spacing will probably be all mixed up)


ADDICTION


Business shirts sleeves rolled back
gestures normally not so revealing

our gaze falling centered on....
those old hippopotamus arms...
Those old hypo-potomus fillings
those old hypodermic seasons
from old hypodermic needles
treason that triggers
the triggers that treason
treason that triggers
the scraping off of memories
new daggers cutting throat as the void is filled with desire
unconscious reaching for that smoke
longing isn’t the word for contemplation of a reason
security, vision, clarity
“it’s me” he says Pleading for understanding and we try to understand why?
Why?
Why

revision isn’t an option
selling soul for new derision every time
to come adjacent to the higher calling
sampling the atmosphere
fear is not the case
stop signs don’t project the limits
when god is in your face

in your face with smiles that hang about
sincere for every moment
a friend at every moment
a purpose of every moment
just a moment
before your ripped and torn from unity
from chasing feelings kept inside
follow lack impunity
screaming sometimes
prison sometimes

new jobs to fill the time
the void,
the boredom of not having a mission
uninspired
the depression of not having a vision
no hope
the anxiety of not knowing your welcome
its just fear
the instance of knowing your not!
your not.....

too much to take
he didnt sign up for that
a few months to kill till he can function
a few months to tread till he can stand
a few months to feel this compunction
a few months till serenity
reaches out for his hand

so i have three jobs so far this summer with about 28 hours total, adding up to maybe $300
so im open except on tuesdays if anyone has any thoughts

tim phillip's (i forgot all the words to this but maybe tim will comment and tell me)

"flag burning"

one more, for the ones who
dying ones who
lost their lives

one more for the ones who
starving ones who
suffered life

"too bad" we think, but now
we choose if they get by

one more, for the ones who
dying ones who
lost their lives

one more for the ones who
starving ones who
suffered life

"too bad" we think, but now
we choose if they get by

one more for the ones who
(guilty) ones who
do not share

one more for the ones who
wealthy ones who
must not care

update, maybe an hour later, the acid reflux refluxed, it hurts my throat...

apparently according to studies the drug i take for acid reflux can increase blood alchol levels by as much as 38 percent in social (non binge)drinkers. i dint take any tonight but i wonder...

so i definitely talked too soon on that post yesterday, its funny cuz two mixed drinks from the bar and a warm up drink and im fine, a taste or two or the silver wolf (cheap plastic handle vod) and im feeling it. my stomach isnt made for alcohol, considering the acid reflux, they woke me up writing something about "balls" on my hand (i was asleep head on crossed arms at the table) and i decided "man i should go to sleep, but before i go to sleep, i should go to the bathroom, cuz i have a weak bladder" and when i got there i spent a minute looking down and maintaing my balance, and then i decided it might be best to sit down on the floor just in case, and then saliva filled my mouth and i kept thinking about the taste of cheap vod mixed with coke and tahitian treat and then i knew it was too late... but i feel a bit better now, i seem to be typing fine, just worried this water is gonna make it worse. hopefully now that i have officially been drunk, i dont have to be all excited about the possibility anymore. my stomach is just weak as shit.


also jazz fest, and the common cup super sweet.

does rantadine mix badly with alcohol?

an email from james
"Last night was my friend Aaron's birthday (as well as Susie and Bert's birthday). I joined some of my coworkers at the Town Hall Brewery in MInneapolis to celebrate. It was there that I had a breathtaking brush with fame.

Aaron brought over two of his friends. At first I was unimpressed, then he dropped the bombshell. These two amazing women were part of the team that designed and produced Oregon Trail and Numbermunchers! They were there, deciding who got dysentery and whether or not the boat crashed. They helped create those cute little guys that hopped from 14 to 21 to 28 and other multiples of 7, they were there!

We asked them many questions, and learned that intense research had gone into the projects. They had studied what kinds of animals went to what kinds of locations, and how much a hunter could carry, that is why even if you shot like 27 bears you could only carry 108 pounds or whatever. They looked at the odds of crashing your boat if you tried to fjord the river and they were in charge of poor timmy always drowning.

We traded stories for a few minutes, and then Kate and I asked for their autographs, they declined and looked embarressed. I am guessing that they get so many requests they have carpal tunnel, or are sick of their names appearing on items on ebay.

But despite the fact that I didn't get an signiture, I will forever treasure meeting two legends of my childhood, who helped me bridge the gap and become a man.

Just wanted to share that with yall.

jim"

sometimes i wish i could get drunk, which is funny cuz i spent so many years avoiding it still my tolerance seems pretty aight. maybe its all the "girly" drinks i drink. now that i drink once a month. maybe twice...

the whole night tonight i felt like a fuckin immature tag along and at first when i noticed i felt really embarassed but later i just sort of tried to enjoy it, made me realize i have been way too comfortable in life and i need more uncomfortablility... i also need to stop making stupid jokes, come backs and perverted comments yes thats the ticket

the tango maureen

Just listening to that song right now...

"pookie"

so i been trying to finish this paper for my indigenous peoples of the world paper since like spring break. i wrote 2 pages of bullet point notes and since then i have probably like doubled the amount. Its supposed to be 9-12 pages and i dont think that will be a problem but one of the reasons its taking so long is because im making two arguments and at times both make sense and at other time one or neither does. My basic claim is that because syria is controlling Lebanon right now and the lebanese people are protesting for their right to self govern that makes them as a whole indigenous. (as in peoples from a land who have the right to self rule and are being denied it, along with every other connotation)
the second argument is that the maronite christians of lebanon are the indigenous peoples of the area and deserve special treatment. how does this work?
i have lots of evidence for both, but if my teacher doesnt buy it then maybe i lose all credit or have to start over and having skimmed three books and reading probably 50 websites on the topic starting over seems rough. whats funny is there is so much info that says exactly what i want but all of it is from non credible sources so i cant use them. like wikipedia states blatantly that the maronites are indigenous yet its a fake encyclopedia... with real info.

Some poems recently refound or written


By the end of this mumbling rant I will have proved my point (spring 2005) ( when I have made this much much better I will call it "driving along the inter-state of the planet")

Driving along 94,
several cars more
than im use to dealing with
trying to relate to it, that bird
flying over the collected masses of rock, metal oil
mass produced and in motion
become that bird like Siddhartha
Realize
We ought to be living our lives introspecting
collecting -data to inherit in the next life
the net life and collective of us all
share and repair, old wounds under new moons

instead we move ahead of ourselves
building what we hope for a better tomorrow
having not accepted the wisdom of our former lives
I yawn and sigh..... im getting older and the day is colder than
yesterday but sunny!
I stroke my half ass beard returning to the moment and BRAKE,

and collect my fear and bundle it up tight like winter mornings before the
bus arrives.
Try to interpret the billboards, fancy store lighting and why im drawn in
smell of the air is thick with old factories burning and spewing sewage
into our already polluted shit.
That river starts with a clear trickle I seen it...

I wonder about those bush stickers, bumpers just asking to be bumped,
high structured signs displaying gas prices meant to be pumped
lumping all the words that rhyme into one jumble and find ourselves stumped
about what to do and whom with
“they” make their choices leave “us” to deal with the consequences

fly solo
little bird
you have lost your permission to fly in groups
shotguns and rifles our legacy
you the menace
we want our fields with no FLOCKS
our hair with no locks and poor with NO SOCKS
to better make the references to Jesus as a poor man, gathering
gather me up o lord and shelter my eyes as you know I have kept them open
too long and Im blinded with SELF PITY as I look upon MY CITY and see all
those I NEED to be kept IN NEED,
so I can remain with the ability to sing my song.

Too long... Lord too long... And we di-sect you then tri 4,5,6,7,8,9 sect
you for I set you upon an alter and the rest set you upon your knees,
or the other way around if you please
just know that I am the wise one who follows....

Hollow images, I digress much from the point
and hopefully soon there is a point
cuz if we remain this stubborn way, we will soon have to press play
to see green grass and blue skies and animals with cute furry tails and
shit.... ha oh snap in your face!!!! Consider it proven


Emergent (spring 2005)
we’re finding faults in our partitions, sometimes they inhibit our flow
but a better process is a solution unknown
and we go
forward in our bliss
piss faced and belligerent
finding that where we left off has moved on
as in motion
and the notion that relationships flow with out our approval is curious
but renewal seems a strange step back when we have gone this far,
Strange devotion it is that sets us at distance
and makes us mildly irritable when in the courts of first instance
we ask to make an appeal
not really understanding our rights
the decision
the mission of the dreary world mildly mystifying us and wrapped around our
thighs and corduroys...
makes its way up and finds just one being
Mixed reactions to the manifestations
the thought process molding the slightest divided intricacy into a world of
fantasy
conurbation in the streets according to the new mandates
merging of the sectarian
emersion of the self into the self

Confrontation (2001-2002)

America I have seen children fall at your feet
beg for a penny or something to eat felt sick as you looked away
as if you couldn’t reach
but who am I to preach?
I done it too, bread true Red White and Blue

America I tell you now I sit in shame
while all those around me call out your name
singing and pledging to your glorious tune
all taking to that national cue
and whiting out the filthy view, They created
what else could I do? For I have seen the true Red White and Blue

America I only ask you to do what I ask of myself
try to improve, throw off the shackles of wealth
the power the greed and the hypocrisy
for after all it brought down great Rome
and we shall be next if ignorance captures our home
the vision was pure now let it be you, let me stand proud to the Red White and Blue


Idolatry (spring 2005)
(inspired by a feeling, Shakespeare’s Juliet, and the words of john
Frusciante, “we met you through your fortune, you’re made of high, you
slipped through the streams of the city, we slip your mind. How high How
high?”)

Its subtle the way you borrow our interest for moments of your
eternal-grace-us-with-your-presence and we pray for more, and talk about
you behind your back and wonder why we swoon so. Wherever you go we follow
and follow your thoughts and hope to be amongst them. The crowd of them so
illogical and genius mesmerizes if it was caught in your sweat we chase
after with sponges and rags and catch every drop the closer to your
intellect the better. Yet as you strut which we call a walk, we begin to
notice the swing, we begin to notice we’re disposable you need but snap and
have several new believers the cult of outside the box thinking, the new
popularity and we all become junior high students again worried about the
notes and maybe for a few of us the joints in our lockers. Its unjust I
pin this on you! Its unjust you jest this way with our hearts all too
unnecessary palpitations. I palpitate for you, forgive me. I palpitate
against you, forgive me. You’re at least one sin to me, give me time to
figure out which for it changes by the minute and by your very real facial
gestures. Gesturing this way and that and ever so often gesturing in our
direction and capturing our soul and squeezing as if to allow us to breathe
again and then cutting us off mid breath to hold it so as not to make a
sound or disturb your ear the hair on your neck your thought process. Your
very beautiful poetic nonsense that we don’t even threaten to imagine
questioning, redirecting, but only passing on “oh my God did you hear what was said?” As if it wasn’t already echoed through the halls of our very
real eternity caught in sitting at your table and walled away abruptly at
the whim of your indifference. Please tell me a story a joke a word off
your tongue but end it sweetly with a smile and I’ll die in contentment for
awhile. Oh its not right I blame this on you, its not right the way you
show you blame us with your inconsistent attention. Package yourself and
not your derision, sell us disks we can replay on our computers our
music players our instrument of choice, we will play games with you and
know joy we will walk with you playing in our ears and know bright days, we
will spoon feed ourselves you and not know hunger we will touch ourselves
with you and place you inside us and know true fulfillment. We will cry
with you and laugh and dream and sigh, cover our wounds with you, mask our
frail and freakish insides with you, sing with you, walk and talk with you,
smoke you as comforting as opium pillows, cuddle with you, throw away our
piggy banks cuz who needs change? Throw away our addictions cuz who needs
anything at all when as one with your glory?

Bullshit!!(2001-2002)

The white blue and Red bull
acting from enraged soul
finds itself bleeding at its core
no one asking “What’d they do this for?”
Just hunting the “terrorist” matador
he strategically steps left
hiding in a cave
or flying in a new jet
bully asking “how do we fight?”
The matador steps right
sneaks off into the night
makes missiles of our commercial flights.

The white blue and RED bull
still got its hands full
stomping on dirt at its feet
cement rubble from a greed street
who planted this seed? WE
watch on our 62 inch TV
the nations at war
more innocent death all that we see
they say that empires fall
but Americans dance in the halls
knowing bush can make the call
6 billion dead!! To keep our flag standing tall.

America's current values (2001-2002)
An entire nation guilty of mass murder and rape
but the crowd and the cameras
turn their back at that line of yellow tape
and we all go on believing that the great dream is fine
while the victims are piled without justice or an outline

A face in a crowd of people with dark skin
somehow less important then the comfort
the future of the ones who commit the mass sin
and on and on it goes till the day our greed
makes the last soul of light succumb to the evil deed

Who is to blame the leader? The few?
The ones who choose to ignore
what they knew to be true?
The ones who went on without a care
never understanding the weight they “allowed” others to bear..

The powerfully ignorant have been given a new name
Stupid Americans!
A cause for all to blame
for only they could watch as a beautiful dream
destroys all around them as it falls apart at the seams

If money is the root what is it that squares?
When is enough enough?
At what point do we share?
If a value transfusion is all we need to make the start
lets proceed with the operation, remove this cancer from our heart!


1.

The beads, Andy on sax, Abe on vocals, i sort of know tht dude in the middle but i cant ever remember his name. they were sweet though.

So mike is no RA
no Egyptian God etc. which doesnt bother me, cept no extra dinero. so i guess i got to be cheap from now on....right yeah.

The Beads played a great fuckin show at the common cup, some pics will be up in a sec, cowboys of funk -show so little blues and country (johnny cash)

oh yeah and now were all trying to decide where the hell we should live cuz we have choices in life.
mike is more awesomer than krystin (shes trying to beat me at life)

we played like 3-4 games of RISK this weekend lots of time on our hands.

been listening to a lot of http://www.doomtree.net/ p.o.s and the like.

Becky makes it sound like i been missing out on the whole seen and such, maybe i have im a new born into hip hop. anyway I saw them last week and it was one of the most rediculously awsome shows i have ever seen and i immediatly purchased the two cds they had there and should have given kristen some cash to buy me the ones from their cd release this weekend.

my mom came up.

UMM jazz concerts are the best
props to the cats in the vagina monologues

peace the cats in the east
"jeffrey are you listening?" download that song its pretty sweet

My e folio project is hardly started but heres a link if anyone is ever interested. its kind of like an online resume/website

"Going Inside"
You don't throw your life away-Going inside-You get to know who's watching you-And who besides -you resides-In your body-Where you're slow-Where you go doesn't matter-Cuz there will come a time-When time goes out the window-And you'll learn to drive out of focus-I'm you- and if anything unfolds-it's supposed to-You don't throw your time away sitting still-I'm in a chain of memories-It's my will-And I had to consult some figures of my past-And I know someone after me-Will go right back-I'm not telling a view-I've got this night to unglue-I moved this fight away-By doing things there's no reason to do

"Everything I eat is from the Earth, right.
I am what I eat straight up Earth, right.
Nothing but a walking sack of Earth
nice to meet you how do ya do.
Guess what. Ya you're one too.
My skin holds me in
my brain moves me then
boom.
I jump straight off the speaker in a form a celebration
that we're moving.
Freely disconnected
I'm truly grateful
I'm going back to the Earth.
I'm not gonna waste life being hateful." ~311 "hyrdoponic"

Residential Advisor Application
1) Reasons for applying for the position.
There are three major reasons I can think of for why I would want the RA position.
The first reason is simply for the experience. I love meeting people, learning from people and hearing about different backgrounds and views on the world. My favorite memories from living in the dorms have been and will hopefully continue to be late night conversations and creative adventures, finding ways to be entertained in Morris and forming a community amongst my floor and dorm mates. Although this goal can easily be accomplished by just living in the dorms, I have taken it on as a personal challenge and learning experience to form friendships with people who I might normally not associate myself with. Finding common interests with people of different political and moral backgrounds has been a particularly fun experience. For example my floor mate John, a Lt. in the reserves, and I have found a common respect and interest in history and other cultures though I am and have been a firm believer in peace and peace movements for many years.
The second reason is very similar to my interest in meeting people and seems to me to be a major component of being able to make strong friendships, which is bringing about and supporting a comfortable community in which people feel respected enough to voice their thoughts, opinions and feelings about a situation. This I see as the most significant job of a RA and also seems the most rewarding. In my first year here my floor-mates and I felt a strong bond and sense of friendship that has remained and though some have moved on, 13 of us decided to stay on for a second year on 3B and one student from another floor felt so comfortable he requested to join us. This accomplishment, though it seemed natural to us, was apparently a first in the dorms (or so we were told). One major reason for this, I believe, can be attributed to our relationship with our former RA (Sarah Campbell) who still visits regularly. Her commitment to make the floor a place of mutual respect and to bring about a supportive environment brought out the best in many of us and it is this sort of environment that I think allows students to excel.
In a similar way I have felt a strong desire to create that sort of environment in my own life for many years, which has allowed me to support my friends and family through many troubling experiences, including parental divorce experiences, eating disorders, death of family members, gambling addictions, substance abuse problems and peer pressure, as well as many common situations for teens such as break ups and school/work decisions. I cannot of course take credit for anyone "getting through" these problems but I have felt honored to know that many of my friends attribute their successes to having friends and supporters in their life to fall back on. These experiences have led me to feel a sense of purpose in my life to help support those who may need it, a responsibility I take very seriously while trying to acknowledge my limitations.
These two reasons, a love of people and a desire to help them along while they make the decisions that direct their lives, has led me to want to be a teacher.
The third reason is simply that if I am planning on trying my best to meet and support new people, I might as well get the training so that I can do it the best way possible and in more ways than I could simply living in the residence halls. I hope that the position will allow me to take on these responsibilities and provide me with more experience and knowledge so that I can continue to try to do this in the future, while teaching and in life.
2) Previous related experiences/positions.
Work/Jobs
* Nick’s Ice Cream and Popcorn (Ridgedale Mall, 5 years of working with peers, helping customers, and taking on leadership roles amongst my co-workers)
* Fanny Farmer (Ridgedale Mall, similar to Nick’s except to a lesser extent and for a much shorter time period)
* Assistant Teacher for School Age kids program /summer 2004 (St. Mathews in St. Paul, a daycare for elementary school kids, my job included opening, greeting parents, watching kids alone for several hours, providing games and coordinating learning activities)
* Art teacher/Teacher’s Aid (summer school district 287 Southwood Bloomington)
High School Related
* Save Our Surroundings (environmental and social justice group, leader/advisor role, 3 years)
* Mandala (literary arts and art publication, 2 years, 1 year Art editor and editing advisor)
Morris Related Volunteer
* Willmar mural project (project that was in conjunction with the United Latinos group on campus and the sociology department, didn’t work out, but had some experience working with students from Willmar high school and participated in their world culture fair)
** currently observing/student aid for Mr. Howden at Morris High School (As part of Ed 2101, working in 7th grade US history class)
Religious Volunteer work/training
* Peer Ministry Camp (leadership camp, attended one session, dealt with communication skills, peer counseling)
* Sunday School teaching (presented units on culture and fair trade coffee)
* Polar Bear expedition summer camp leader (group leader of elementary school kids)
* Mission trips - Pine Ridge Reservation (day care in SD)
- Chicago (nursing/retirement home volunteer)
3) Experiences that have created a significant impact.
All of the above have had a significant impact on my life and I can easily say I learned a tremendous amount from each of those experiences. However I feel my travel experiences have probably shaped my life and taught me the most about myself. My Mother’s job and love of travel has allowed me to go to many amazing places including Hong Kong/China, Tanzania, and Europe. These experiences have opened me up and instilled in me a love of diversity and culture.
My first major culture shock experience happened at 12 when my Mom brought me along on a study abroad trip through the Lutheran Seminary in St Paul. I spent three and a half weeks tagging along and learning about cultural, political, economic, historical and religious issues in Hong Kong and China. This included visiting government housing (4x4 foot open homes for families of four), as well as hospitals, temples, banks and churches. Upon my return I felt a strong sense of confidence and a deep feeling of humility and guilt, which lead me to feel the need to stand up to my peers when they made euro-centric and racist comments or talked about people who struggle in the world as if it was all their fault. My experiences had taught me that people are beautiful and worthy of respect no matter what their situation (a value, I try my best to maintain) and that it is necessary to stand up for those who could not stand up for themselves.
This initial culture shock was followed up several years later when my Mom took me to Tanzania, where we learned about fish farming, land cultivation, medical and educational problems, and political, social and religious issues. While visiting an elementary school which could barely be described as safe, let alone functional, I wrote a song about how I felt it was impossible to ever forget or hide myself from the struggles that humanity faces, including war, hatred, poverty, ignorance etc.
These experiences strengthened my character and my desire to help. Without them I don’t know that I could have ever provided the support my friends and family have needed and I know that they continually remind me to remain humble and try to support those around me to the best of my abilities.
4) Three areas of significance concerning RA position.
The areas I believe are most important I have already touched on.
1) Community building and support of those around us, is something I think is extremely important for the position whether that is planning activities and trying to get people involved, or making sure they know where they can get the support they need on campus.
2) Developing relationships, sharing, learning and teaching each other.
3) Being a role model. Sometimes without a leader it is hard for a group to function.
I think my former RA Sarah tried her best at these activities and was able to bring about a sense of community and respect for each other that has lasted through the trials of college life, I hope to be able to do the same.
5) Out of comfort zone (learning) experiences.
As already stated I have had significant traveling experience, and so I thought that I was ready to go off on my own at 18 to Europe and backpack (for a month, 6 months, a year, forever? Who knows.) Within hours of landing I realized I was in over my head when I couldn’t find my first hostel and it was raining and I was jet lagged (an experience that seemed to repeat itself all trip). When I finally got there I practically burst into tears (again, no one noticed in the rain). Anyway, the trip continued that way at times, and at times I met wonderful people who changed my life forever. It taught me not to judge and be happy for any scrap of attention anyone would give me. I used to carry around a sign that said "smile" in big letters, passerby’s thought I was trying to bring them good cheer and would offer me money (possibly due to my dirty appearance). The truth was that I was so desperately lonely and depressed from being by myself that I would give anything to see a friendly face, and a smile was like heaven to me (so was chocolate for some reason). Anyway after several months I thought I had it down in Europe and decided I should hop a ferry to Morocco.
Upon entering the city of Tangier, Morocco I felt prepared, I thought I had a place to stay, I thought I knew how to handle merchants and salesmen, swindlers, rip off artists and beggars. I was wrong. A man who posed as a tourist information guide told me the hostel was closed for the winter. He told me he could get a deal at a local hotel for about the same prices and that I shouldn’t worry. He offered me a guided tour which I declined, then told me he was about to be off duty and felt that since his job and life’s work was to make sure tourists enjoyed morocco he wouldn’t mind showing me a few spots in town before I left for one of the larger cities. He offered me lunch at a local spot and insisted that he should pay. He showed me the market, a mosque, a hand woven carpet making factory and several other beautiful cultural spots. Then we returned to the hotel where he had a deal with the owner and walked me into my room. He then proceeded to lock the door, and insisted I pay him for the tour. I was shocked and felt incredibly vulnerable (as he was blocking the door), and I was forced to pay the equivalent of a three days stay at reasonable accommodations in Morocco. What would probably provide a comfortable week or two for a local person. After the event I was traumatized and at some point made up my mind to leave the country the next day.
Several hours later my shock wore off and I started to realize the error of that kind of thinking. To write off a culture, a country, a people by one man’s actions was, I realized, a horrible loss for all. I decided to extend my stay a few extra days, and I decided for every event that made me want to leave I should press on and find two reasons to love Morocco. As part of this I had to remind myself that other cultures have different beliefs, and that sometimes even those strong beliefs can falter due to circumstances. Morocco had been having a drought for over a decade. The tourist industry had dried up due to Sept 11th. The people were noticeably poor and yet by staying I also realized that they were willing to share what they had. Were able to get past their own biases to guide travelers to their destinations and offer them deals on cultural items that they could share when they got home. In this case I realized it was important to have patience and avoid judging without more experience and reflection.
This attitude about the error of judging people before getting to know them was reaffirmed by a situation that happened shortly after. When I returned to the U.S. from Europe and Morocco I was detained at customs for over an hour, given lectures, questioned and treated as a "terrorist" or at least as some sort of defector. My stuff was picked through piece by piece including my clothes, souvenirs and gifts for friends and family, not only that but the mundane, train ticket stubs and receipts in my wallet. I felt incredibly discriminated against and didn’t really understand what had changed in me that I as a U.S. citizen should now be treated so differently. The simple facts were I now had arabic in my passport, owned a copy of the Koran and have a new respect for world cultures. The U.S. customs agents in their haste and concern, decided that I was too risky to treat respectfully, and this incident only enforced my desire to treat others the way I wished I had been treated.
6) Skills and qualities for RA position.
The following are skills and qualities that I have, believe in or try my best to uphold:
Compassion, the ability to be comforting, respectful, desire to meet and include people, ability to connect with others, patience, promotion of diversity and tolerance, ability to voice opinion and be assertive when needed, relaxed personality, giving, creative-artistic, egalitarian, responsible, open minded, desire to have a good time with people... I am strongly against gossiping and try my best to promote respect and understanding in all situations. Also I think it is important to try to keep in mind the serious things in life, avoid risky situations but remember to put things in context and not take everything too seriously.

Group shot, from left to right. Kristen, nova big T (tony) chris D, his lady, Illy (in front) Steve (in back), Becky, b day boy

the family (james was in LA)

me and zach drak long islands (not pictured)

some cats at my b day, scott is behind his older brother andy, and the chica on the middle left is zach's lady friend

halsey at comedy sports (he was hilarious)

nova. tryign to explain that that "burrito is good" doesnt look it, does it?

kristen and tim, at the seward

elizabeth in her radiance

the girls (wedding night)

for ryan and sarah, hope things are working out, ryan dont get depressed in england, (its gray) and uh this was taken on that night ana got hooked up

Oh me oh my, its been a long time since i actually updated this piece of crap site....


So here goes...

Last semester i took 2 anthropology classes and decided I liked it better than sociology (which often has to deal with statistical information, which i am no good at) So i decided to switch my area of focus (informally since, officially i am still undecided, I believe) eh so yeah now im a secondary ed, social science major with an emphasis in soc/anth (since they arent mutually exclusive here at UMM) with a possible women studies minor or major on the side (part of the 5 year plan). I also took and passed macro econ in which i learned a lot, including that i dont know macro econ very well. My prof was bart finzel who was a pretty cool guy and apparently works within labor economics helping unions or something.... i like i like... also i had another women studies class which dealt more with the history and structure of women's movements rather than the areas in which we can find focus on women's issues (the previous year) both classes were with J. Purdy who left this semester I believe to retire... sad. This semester I am taking my intro to education class, "foundations and issues" which has a student teaching/tutoring component in which i will be working with a local high school history teacher who i will meet manana at 8:25 (early in the morning) I have no idea what exactly i will be doing and my only hope is that it wont be so early in the morning. Along with this class I must make a sort of resume/webpage (something i was thinking about doing anyway) and it will probably be liked to this page in some manor. In addition to that I am taking a US history class (basic though taught in a different manor than most, through various novels and essays rather than a text book) a basic pysch class about drugs and human behavior (9th grade health) environmental geology (pete's field) with cotter a very funny and likable guy who i had for my first year sem class and an anth class taught by the best anth prof on campus (there are only three) but shes great and probably the only one of the three qualified to teach a class on indigenous cultures (becuase she is a meber of one). so far the class has been a but dry becuase its been theory based but the prof saying swearwords and party comments livens the mood up a bit.
hopefully I will also be taking voice lessons which i hope to have settled by tomorrow night, and start by next week. This is something that has been troubling me for quite awhile (the loss of my singing voice) and hopefully with some work and a boost of confidence i will be able to sing again (if i ever could)

I am also planning on applying to become a resident advisor next year so more kids can despise me... i mean so i can make more friends and stuff.
this is actually something i have sort of been getting excited about and will probably be slightly dissappointed if i am not chosen because i have a large ego... and feel tht i might be able to help some cats or at least get paid and free room and board (sp?) for doing the same shit im already doing. my experiance can choke the living day lights out of freshmen and my red eyes (dry skin?) seems to make me appear pot headish so thats cool. whateva

Um lets see. Over winterbreak i hung out with some cats, had a b day and such. Saw some friends, some of them left town...

Tim recently graduated and is looking for a job as far as i know.

Kristen cut off her dreads i think in part as a rebirth of herself (my own thoughts) she seems to be doing what she needs/wants right now so that she can fully explore herself as an adult and individual and i think thats awesome even though it is sometimes tough, and i just explained that badly. shes leading mpirg again i know and i think at least one other but i forgot cuz i suck. She will be graduating soon, a full year early and as far as i have heard is planning on taking an elem ed program so she can teach little kids how to be peaceful.

Gabs should be in nicuaragua (sp?) by now, or soon, chilling in the sun (i guess?) studying doing her thing. meeting peoples and such. (she as far as i know is reomantically involved and loving it, unfortunately at a bad time since she just left the more northern countries of the americas, for the more central americas...

My friend illy is taking classes at the U twin cities working and trying to stay out of trouble i hope.

Aimee is i assume partying it up with her pup in the mountains in montana where the weather is always better than here (or so she says)

Pete recently spent some time in vegas with his lady and is working his ass off in CO trying to get residency so he can fix problems that humans cause in their interactions with nature. We are currently trying to figure out whether our spring break schedules for possible visits and such wth stops off to see grinnell of course (as always)

zach is working it at st thomas his lady just came back from spain and they been doing well.

becky is trying to get her pysch stuff all up in order (shes got a year left) she recently was accepted on the pom pom squad and will once again be on the dance ensemble team/group performance though that hasnt really kicked off. she has one of those trendy things too hopefully these links are actually getting you there.

hmm who else.. nova and james are still working it, my rents recently had dinner with nova and her parents in order to discuss their recent travels to suth africa in which i know nova had a blast. Now she is back at grinnell doing it up, finishing up. James (the big bro) just got back from a road trip to LA in which he almost took a job offer that was aainst his morals but ended up doing what he needed to do. (the right thing) and is now back working for grassroots solutions (i believe, according to my moms) He has still not graduated and maybe we will at the same time (even though im a year behind and on a 5 year plan) (he could have been a doctor)

Speaking of my mom she is giving up being a pastor for private counseling practice. Shes got an office and brochures and possibly even a book soon...
She is happily married to Grant who is still a pastor, they recently went to bonair (sp?) to scuba dive
he claims to be running on a course that could put him in public office within a few years something he doesnt seem to shy away from. I for one would vote for him, hes a good guy, very liberal, makes dumb jokes sometimes but tries to make sure things are really working out to help people. Thats pretty important...

Steve (my lil bro) is coaching 4th grade travelling and going to mctc he loves the coaching and is currently dreaming of it as a profession which doesnt seem too far off if the hype around slp is correct.

lots of other cats are doin the same stuff.....hollie, chris d, nick h, and the cats at home. Gabs friends who i love to hang around with but still refer to as gabi's friends are also doing their thing i guess. check out ryans page for that....


the floor, is not as tight as it used to be, in fact we recently had even more cats move on the greener pastures but they still come back... to taunt us. no its all good, but from a floor which can have 29 (?) we have 18 meaning just about everyone gets their own room. becky shares her's with me

mike the rock (of penis on face fame) is taking over MARCH (the animal rights group tim started *i think*) a job i think he is well suited for good luck to him getting recruits...

i dunno what else.. i was gonna start writing again and havent started... i tried drawing this morning and it was shite... my guitar playing skills havent improved a bit and i hesitate to call them skills at all.


uh other than that new years (maybe) more from the wedding reception at bens (maybe) my b day (for sure) maybe a pic becky took of me trying to get a senior pic (the ones i never took and thus never sent to my grama, who hooked me up with this college career and some cash for my b day)


anyway thats it for now.. so fuck off. just kidding, but seriously.... get the fuck off my property or as getty put it "get out of my yard" or something

sorry i havent updated since that last fiasco, but uh look im trendy

sorry the service i use to put pictures up is being funny, so i only got three from the wedding up so far


last night we tried to take my "senior" pictures. the ones i never took in highschool and that have left a vacant spot in my grandma's frame
-maybe get those pics up later


my stomach hurts, and cotter (my geology prof) is a funny man

Ben's pad, ben laying down the rules, and uh his dog running everywhere (off screen)

a toast and a sip (sip.... right)

The happy couple (honeymoon night, que the 70s porn music)