Waking up with a stomach ache

It's weird to spend your days so entrenched in people's lives. To get to know them, love them (to an extent), try to help support them in their growth, and then what...

I ate dinner early, took a nap, woke up discontent, nothing to look forward to. A stack of work to do. A few friends texted and our conversations quickly ran to empty. I watched some news and quickly found it shallow. I contemplated writing, and my brain was too muddled. I'm gonna end up watching Jane the Virgin as my substitute for connection. Let the drama and the laughs be my alternate universe. Let their depths be the replacement for the depths I don't have on my own.

I could have gone for a walk. It was relatively nice out, and yesterday's walk left me feeling fairly euphoric. In love with the universe, with each new face, with each contribution despite the difficulties. I am not one to hold a grudge when I am my best self. I am not one to dwell on mistakes when I am my best self.

I think I put a lot of pressure on people. Maybe that's why I am glum. Feeling like I overextend and don't have much left over. I spent the entire weekend doing nothing, and already miss it.

A coworker had the kids write one of those "I am" poems, and I followed along. I think I am too much in my head and in my ideals... but it was an interesting process. If I were to go back, I'd probably try to bring a bit more cohesiveness to it, like the I hear line might be about listening to people's voices, the caught breath etc. Maybe a poem about being a therapist.



I am... open to understanding people, and able to see the big picture
I wonder... about the meaning of life
I hear... the fan and the air conditioning 
I see... parallel universes, timelines, characters
I want... more support from someone I am mutually invested in, a conscious reciprocal relationship
I am... open to understanding people, and able to see the big picture
I pretend... that life is silly or serious depending on what I need
I feel... cynical sometimes about my life prospects
I touch... the cloth in stores
I worry... about people who are not feeling connected and about our society which separate us
I cry... during songs, movies, tv shows and good books, as well as when I am overwhelmed with empathy
I am... open to understanding people, and able to see the big picture
I understand... that the universe is a dialectic, is push&pull, love&fear, creation&destruction, and that it is the AND not the OR that matters
I say... you are worthy
I dream... of growth and beauty and expansion
I try... to stay positive, mindful and open
I hope... for healing, for celebration, for meaning and purpose
I am... open to understanding people, and able to see the big picture



Yeah.... very head/values based. Maybe that's the mindset I am in when I am working.
Maybe I like that version of me so much I forget to pull out of it when people want me to connect genuinely. Or I just don't like the other genuine parts, so I hide when I am in them. Like this feeling I am having right now, this heaviness, this grog.

Mondays

I slept poorly. Have been the last few nights, probably the temperature issues.

I long for dreams.

I wanted to stay in bed all morning, but I had a dream in which I skipped work without telling anyone and then saw my coworkers later in the day.

I haven't had enough coffee and 9 am is quickly approaching. I have no desire to do any of my work today.








I've been considering the idea of microaggressions, and wondering if there is anything real to do about it, or just whether we need to acknowledge that our differences give us different perspectives and it is uncomfortable due to the power imbalance. When people talk about micro aggressions they ask others to be aware, to stop doing it. But it seems like one of those things that won't actually change, just make it harder to connect honestly because people are trying to be too aware of themselves.


Maybe I am thinking of this in relation to myself. I can immediately recall a dozen shameful incidents,  but also am aware that my not asking, not saying, leads to a different kind of dishonesty and inaction.







I am thinking a lot about myself through the enneagram lens the last week or so. What does it mean to be a 9?  capable of taking in all perspectives, easy to lose your own -self-effacing as they say. How does that impact my relationships?  Why do I get angry with people when they get mad at me for seeing other's perspectives when they cherish that gift when I do it with them? Can't you see it's the same trait?  but you can't really, you're not seeing me underneath choosing this way of relating, you're seeing someone you thought was on your side (believing it to be the whole of them), and wondering why they suddenly are betraying you.
I'm not on your side. I'm (hopefully) on the side of a better outcome for everybody.

Maybe this is why I can't be an activist or organizer. It's too hard to paint my opposition as an enemy, I just don't see it. I love the reframe of inviting them into change through action. But most activists and organizers don't hold that... its us against them. And I can't keep it. It doesn't feel natural to exclude, to divide. I can handle conflict when it is for the greater good, but the seemingly meaningless drama that divides us? What is really going on?

All I see is connection or separation. People keep challenging me on that, pointing out that there are other factors, but human misery is separation. Hell is separation. Trauma is separation even though every part of trauma demands us to avoid, the trauma wouldn't be traumatic if it didn't cause us to want to separate (either consciously or unconsciously). Whether it is because we see ourselves separate, and so feel discomfort. Or because we choose to separate -believing it to be the healthiest option and therefor avoid healing.

What does it mean to be a 9 and feel stuck?  I look for people who will challenge me to move forward, I get excited by their energy. I liked the partnership with M because she was a doer (too much so) and she could motivate me to stay engaged, stay active. And I was a calming presence for her, and could remind her to slow down and think through something, to reflect, to relate.

They say the healthiest 9's have figured out how to either provide this for themselves & stop pretending that they don't have needs/personality, OR have partners who recognize this about them.  There is a weird paradox though, over the years, the more I learn about myself and grow, the less I feel that my individual identity is necessary to share. TO be sure this is an unhealthy response in the long run, but it's also true. I want someone to KNOW me. But when I am feeling confident in myself I don't feel the need to make it about me, to share me. I want someone to pry, to challenge, to see, to go out of their way to figure me out. But I am not apt to provide the keys, I might mention there is a door there, but if they don't want to knock, I am not likely to keep mentioning it.  I think about things like my writing, my art, etc., but also my photo albums, my music, my books, my travels -Facebook or instagram... there are a lot of ways to get to know me, and some are in plain sight. Who are my friends? Why have they been around so long?  But again, you'd have to ask. I give a simplified explanation, but there is always depth, always complexity. Lions in zebras clothes as it were.

I should go to work.
I have bills to pay, and people to check up on, and all sorts of little trivial things that a better political/economic system would have simplified a long time ago, but someone is profiting off causing me anxiety, and that is our system. Separation, anxiety, powerlessness, inequitable distribution of gains and losses.

I am so excited to see what we do with this -this time around.  A green new deal? an unraveling?

Last night I prayed that if the universe was gonna take me away, let it be swift or at least give me a sign, so I don't get my hopes up. Craving peace of mind, even in suffering and turmoil... that's a 9.

Ummmm coooool

It seems like I write on here once a week now. I guess that means I don't have a lot to say, either I'm busy or not busy enough. 
I've been trying to be more social, hung out with a few folks from Grad school and few folks from before. Saw brother and niece and nephew today. All of it pretty fun, but this weekend I wanted to hide. 
I had therapy yesterday (not the greatest session... but oh well). 
I told my therapist I am determined to keep the mindset of forward momentum.
Maybe buy something, maybe pull money out of stocks...
Maybe go to a training in a month or two. 
Maybe bring some friends to the cabin.
Maybe I will have some success on one of these dating apps, or the universe will send someone my way. 
I've been eating half a pint of almond milk ice cream every day. 
I've been trying to go for walks, but the weather has been like 90 % humidity and gross. It makes my feet swell and that is super disturbing (like I was looking up the ways I was going to die) and just uncomfortable.

This weekend, I played some computer games. Watched some Jane the Virgin (still my fav show right now). Watched the Old Guard on Netflix and felt like my novel is a little trite between the movie and other stuff -but still want to write more. I'm creeping up on 40 years old and really need to get back to writing. Watched over an hour of people reacting to great music on youtube today, there is something about watching someone else love something you love... I was thinking about how I always wanted to share stuff with M, and hoped she would have the same reactions. She did with some stuff. But others not so much.  I guess I've been thinking about that a lot lately. The other day I woke up and saw something Jesse had posted on instagram and I was just so profoundly aware that I love that she is who she is. And it made me sad that I can't have that with M. And it made me angry at myself for dwelling so much on the people who I am hurt by, and not the wonderful people I have in my life.  But I love loving. And I am sad that the person I loved doesn't have the integrity to live her life the way she said she wanted to. And I am also sad that she couldn't love me or chose not to.  
As is so often the case, it has made me question if anyone will be able to. Maybe we are not supposed to be loved like that. Or rather, the feelings of love may be that way, but we still need to hold each other accountable, so we temper our feelings with conditions/boundaries that are necessary even if painful.

Where is the growth if I stay still?
Thats the reason for the forward momentum, even a mistake is not a mistake if you learn. Calculated risk, but take a risk. 
I can learn and heal, and if I don't, I can be bitter and die just as alone and afraid as I am now... and all of that is human. This being human is a gift that I don't want to waste... but watching a little tv has felt nice this weekend. 

Back to work. It shouldn't be the busiest week, but won't be easy either. I should probably make some plans with folks. If you don't reach out, they don't reach back.

No se

Got a new computer last week, slowly been figuring it all out. Had some moments of frustration that will probably not be recalled.
I wonder how much of my life will wind up as memories?

Been trying to hang with folks a bit more. Saw some friends this weekend, played computer games a lot too.

Today I am thinking laundry and maybe a book.
Got to get back to Jane the Virgin too, right?

Been looking up condos and prices, a little bit of talk with Illy about getting a Duplex.
Mostly looking in the range of 230k and below.
Lots of housing association fees on condos. Tricky.

Been using dating apps. I must write the least interesting bios ever, I get no love on dating apps.
My mom tells me I should ask friends for dates.
several billion people in the world, and I am very rarely interested in folks  "like that."

I really like my Supervisor. I need some folks like her in my life, super smart, super grounded in values and ways of being in the world, full of grace for herself and everyone else so that you can be authentic, but also a challenging person.

I saw that post on insta, ask the universe for someone intellectually, emotionally and sexually compatible, I'll add in spiritual. But man... if the life styles don't work out. Yikes.
I mean, if you loooooooove dogs, I don't want to take that away from you by the fact I find them smelly.

moving forward

Last week my therapist said I needed to come up with something to keep momentum, keep moving forward, some sort of project or new thing, otherwise he assumed and I assume that I would get stuck again.

A friend of mine decided to buy a house, and sent me some listings for condos and stuff, so I started wondering about that. But it feels a little like buying something just to buy, even though it might be the best time to pull money out of stocks and put it into something more secure. The only condos I've even looked at are near eat street. I'm not sure if I am ready for that. Plus, my mom mentioned condos usually have fees and to make sure I didn't end up spending 1000 on a mortgage plus 500 more on fees. 

Other people say get a cat. 

Some part of me just wants to play computer games on the weekends, devolve into a child. 

I keep thinking about my book, and how it would be good to get back to writing. At the same time, I am falling behind on paperwork for work, so maybe I am not in the mood for writing. 

I think I had envisioned joining some sort of club or something, something social. 

I keep hoping to find a partner or a crush to get me motivated. 

We went to a massive park with my niece this morning, I took a nap all afternoon. 

M went up north, presumably with the kids and her boy - life just keeps moving forward, whether you are in it or not. (My reaction was a mixture of heat, envy, jealousy, defensiveness, grief, longing, anger, a drain in energy). I liked that she was action oriented, I needed that in my life (could use some now). From pictures and comments it is so easy to assume people are happy, but people don't suddenly grow more mature, so I have to assume there are a lot of insecurities and anxieties under the surface -and then again, I don't have to assume anything, because it doesn't matter. 

I take a long time to get over people... this is the problem with loving deeply.

Watching a lot of Jane the Virgin and Kitchen Nightmares this weekend.

I am expecting a computer to get delivered to me this week, and even the idea of a computer getting delivered is giving me anxiety (as in, what if they break it or it gets stolen).

Might see Dad for dinner this week.

Might see a peer from grad school.

Not sure what else yet.  Gonna do some reading, maybe get some work done today. Eat some veggies. 

And then the flip side

Chatting with a friend, and thought, you know, we as a people have never had so many things put into perspective all at once. We are disappointed, frustrated, grieving and suddenly aware how inadequate our systems are, how corrupt our institutions have become, our leadership inept.

This could be the most brilliant pivot in the history of humanity.
We could all come together right now and say "we could do this better."

And then do it...

take back the commons, the public for the public
green energy
no more guns
a garden in every park, church, school, and lawn
food grown and prepped within 30 minutes,
music, dance, theater, story telling, public and everywhere
the resurgence of the library as a community hub,
schools reorganized so that they are more than just babysitting/factories
healthcare made free for those who need
term limits, limited and publicly funded elections,
prisoners let free and voting rights restored
no more private prisons/ no detention centers,
end homelessness
end militant policing
end endless wars
reinvest in the local and the global
invest in a culture that accepts life, death and everything human and natural

We could do all of that and more.
We could do it now on a global scale or a local one.
In an anarcho-communalist way, a democratic socialist way, a totalitarian way...

My friend mentioned people look to leaders to do these things.
These are big things, but they are also the things that will happen regardless eventually.
If we don't find ways to embrace ourselves, we will just keep struggling until we do.

Confusing use of time

This will be deeply cynical so don't read if you don't want to be depressed.



Sometimes I get into these states where I am not sure if I have anything to say. 
People tell me to write, to use my voice, to speak up about the things I have knowledge of... and I do sometimes. But ultimately, I am not sure it matters all that much. I simply trick myself into believing I have some power for a time, and then when it dissipates I am left reminded that I am nothing. I have nothing to say, I simply talk the same talk that everyone else does... its human gibberish. 

I was hanging out with Illy for an hour, I ran out of stuff to talk about. It was hot out. I am lonely. I have no drama or passions. I work. I sit around my house. If you want to talk politics or religion or history or sociology, we can chat for a while. But if you don't care about any of that. 
Whats going on in your life?   Nothing.
Illy tells me to dream more. To fantasize. To manifest. 

She talks about buying a house, or a building. I say with what money. She says the money will come. 

I am tempted to want to write something important... something thought provoking, but what do I have to say?   I want to know how we get out of this. Is it a slow and gradual fading away of the caution? Is it a massive change?  Do we use this opportunity to recreate ourselves? our society?

I've been having this depressing thought lately that I am not really needed in this new timeline, that maybe most of us aren't.  What skills do I have to bring? What interests? What worth do I have? 
-Its not dissimilar to the thoughts the teens have as they look forward and see that their worldly interests have no real value. They want to play video games for a living. Of course they do, it's all they have known. 

We live in a society where our value, our worth is based on such silly things. We take pleasure and get our ego from such stupid things, a new instagram post, a new car, a new job that we don't get to explain but spend all our time worrying about.  None of it is real. 

We walked in and out of stores, where gathering was limited and masked. How many businesses will close? How many people will lose housing and insurance? How many people will be disposable? 

I've been thinking that that is the reality people are waking up to with racism, sexism, gun violence, eco-crisis, all of it... Human lives don't matter in our society. Our wallets maybe... but they won't soon. Our rights can be trampled easily. And accountability may happen in spurts, but ultimately it won't matter all that much. 

We might turn it around on a political level and go back to moderate "sanity" but we are heading towards a future where human life doesn't really matter. There are too many of us already. We are dependent and needy. On a worldly scale we aren't adding anything except more to consume by the mob. The US has become a third world country, and we are waking up to the reality of how that feels. 
-To exist, without purpose in the scheme except as fodder. 
-To have to make our own purpose, and hold tight to it, despite the prevailing forces telling us otherwise. 

And will we?  I imagine communes and intentional communities could sprout up. Organic farms, small communal cultures, DIY stuff. That could happen again, but not likely before it goes to shit first. More like Earthseed in the parable of the sower. People will unite against the fall... but the fall will happen regardless. 

And in some ways it's about time. 
This is what we deserve for choosing this. 
Idiocracy. 

And what role am I to play?
I always thought I would be the first to get bit my the zombie, the first to die of the plague, the first in the crowd. I never wanted to survive the apocalypse, and I am not sure I want to if it comes to that. 
I have dreams and vision. I have skills, and strategies. I could be helpful in a community. and maybe some part of me hopes that I could be.
But it feels weird to recognize that maybe the time has come, and I am not.
I am not in a community. 
I am not pushing back against the tide. 
I am not leading or supporting the resistance, and neither am I steering the boat that navigates the deluge.
I am a bystander, a cog, an invisible, and if I were bitten by a zombie I would be just as indiscriminately disposable. 


In many ways we have been sold this idea in the US that we are individually important, the American dream has become a dream of stardom. And so, even when we are surrounded by loved ones who need us, we still wonder... am I destined for something bigger?  
But billions have come before and become ash without leaving a trace. Likely I will too.  
This being human... is so fascinatingly complicated... and so simple... live or die, find meaning or don't, there isn't a right or wrong here. It just is and when it isn't, you can grieve, or move on.

What Your Home Says About You...

One of the discussion M and I had before dating was about making a home. I found it easy to make a home with her. We had similar styles, similar desires for cleanliness, and appreciation for minimalism but with some thought.  I don't make my space much of a home. I feel weird about inviting people over, I don't hang stuff on the walls, I don't decorate nearly enough. It functions. It functions ok... but isn't very 'homey,' I wonder how much of this is a lack of self knowledge, or a desire to not project my 'self' into the space, to not take up space, even in my own apartment. Maybe I want to make room for someone else, make it have some purpose or meaning beyond me. Maybe I just don't care enough about myself to want things to be aesthetically pleasing.



I've been asking the universe for a partner who is spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and sexually compatible. I read it on someone's instagram post and thought, yeah... but now I try to cram all these other desires into those. Like, values... is that covered by spirituality? where does desire for activity go?  on Bumble they say nightclub or Netflix, and I can't imagine going to a nightclub anymore. But I desire someone who is social and can get me out of the house. Where does "not offended by my picky eating habits" go? Where does "has some interests in common" go? "A similar life style?" "no dog?"

I find myself sorting through people on dating apps as if there is some right fit, but the truth is it doesn't work like that. You meet, you find out.

M and I thought we had spirituality in common, intellectually and emotionally and sexually we were compatible at times, and other times totally incompatible! life style?  I always wanted her to slow down, to take better care of herself, to dedicate time to us... she always wanted more adventure, more fun, more work (Anything to stay busy?).   But when we were sitting around the apartment, or out for a walk, or eating dinner, watching netflix, I felt like we were very compatible. I would have done it the rest of my life.

I struggle with this idea of -How do I take a shot, without over reaching...?

I am normally too cautious. Ok, I get that. But if I am not cautious enough, what

happens?

Long weekend

I had therapy today, I went grocery shopping, I took out the garbage. 

Nothing much else. 

When I was younger I often found myself in situations where my anxiety or fear forced me from being part of things, like I couldn't do _____ because I was afraid of _______, rollercoasters and heights, competitive sports and pain, new restaurants and picky eating...

What does it mean when you spend a holiday weekend alone without anyone asking?

When your conversation is with your paid therapist?

It doesn't mean when you worry it means, but it doesn't feel good either. 

If I could go to a holiday celebration would I?  I don't know. This is not a holiday I celebrate, but would I want to be around people?  I don't know. Some family gathering? I don't know.

It's been hot out, and the air quality is low,  and my eyes hurt because something got in them and scratched, and my throat still hurts. 

My therapist provided the interpersonal feedback that I seemed caught up in the malaise, and that unless I decided to be more active, it would stay this way. It could be a month or a year, but something needs to happen. 

-This is like the advice I give my students, gotta get up and move, doesn't need to be successful just something, take a risk, take a step, even a mistake can be better than stuck. 

My therapist assigned it as homework. I have three weeks to take a step.  What will that look like?

What can I join? What can I add? What can I change?

-

Yesterday I went to the mall and had this realization that maybe the things really are changing for the worse and for the long haul. A new reality. My supervisor made the joke that we were living in the worst simulation, the worst quantum reality, someone fucked up somewhere, its time travel.

None of this is new. Nothing all that interesting.

-

I keep thinking about writing, but I don't want to do anything... don't have any mirror to reflect it back.

-

I keep wondering if trying to date is worthwhile... I ask the universe for someone who is compatible. But what I want is someone who adores me as much as I adore them. Want them to want to cuddle onto me at every opportunity, not me to have to pull them.

I still miss M, still sad. 

But I am also very aware how one sided the relationship became. 

And it makes me recognize what it means when you ignore your own intuition... but I thought I was moving in and not listening to my fears and anxiety. I was trying to grow and challenge myself.

Maybe that's also why it's been so painful, the loss wasn't just the relationship but the idea that I could adapt and make things work. 

I have a lot of work to do but it is really hard to hold myself accountable. 

books, bullshit on youtube, netflix, snacks... same old patterns, same old thoughts, same old circumstances. 

I am imprisoned in my self.

long weekend begins... here's some complaints

Ok I will try to balance some of the complaints. Life is a series of small ups and downs. Ultimately I am not feeling very much meaning right now...

Today so far has been one of those days where I might as well have not woken up.
I have the day off.
I tried to do a little bit of work, but haven't really invested in it.
I bought a computer because I've been thinking about it and I was bored, so I went to the store but they had a long line. It felt like the world has changed totally, and I might as well become an online shopper so I went home and bought it and it will be shipped in a few weeks. No going back now.

I think I might get some work done. I might watch some more Jane the Virgin, which has been like 3 hours every night.

No one has called or texted, and I am not hanging out with anyone till I get my covid test back.

Pete and Susan had a baby!

What else????
Sometimes I think that the reason I don't find anyone attractive or interesting is because the universe is trying to keep me from jumping in with the wrong person while they prepare the right one. Or at least until this throat/tongue infection goes away. Couldn't kiss anyone right now if I wanted to.

I've been bored and lonely, it leads to drama in my head.

It's like 95 degrees out and the air quality sucks, so not only does my throat hurt, but my eyes hurt too.

Probably take a nap. See if I wake up with something on my mind. This weekend would be the perfect time to read/write. But I am too busy watching bullshit on youtube and being mean in my head.

I've been thinking a lot about how my romantic relationships are so anxiety provoking. How I am always nervous that I will upset the other person... and I've been seeing these relationships where the people know their partner is flawed, and love them anyway. Want to curl up next to their imperfect partner and exist with them.

I think it must be hard to be my partner. I have this growth mindset where anything can be improved on... that doesn't necessarily mean I expect it, but maybe I don't cut the other person enough slack... I don't think they realize I adore them, and that it takes effort to not be gooey.