I don't like my body/mind or whatever this is.
I got 2.5 hours of interrupted sleep last night. I woke up at 3:40 and couldn't get back to sleep. I made it through the day without becoming totally sick, but then when I try to take a nap I get woken up after an hour and don't feel well rested at all.
All day long I felt like I got kicked in the stomach about every 25 minutes.
I went to the bathroom something like 15 times.
I had a really hard time paying attention to work, so I kept trying to get into a zone, but every time I completed a task or had free time, kick to the stomach.
This has been happening every time someone is mad at me or I am nervous about a relationship for the past few years (sometimes I think always).
Sometimes I feel like solving problems as soon as possible is more a matter of life and death than it should be. I don't like feeling like death.
I need to learn how to live without this over sensitivity I have developed to my fears and conscience.

I feel like without my conscious approval my mind is sabotaging my life.
Its not like there is anything so significant going on that I could really fuck it all up... but I feel like somehow I am not even trying to make things good... or at least I must be coming off that way. I thought I was just being more real.

My brother is actually stressed about his job, his life, his future... listening to him I realized that so much of it is completely out of his hands... I feel like my entire life is in my hands right now, and I guess I am just not doing a very good job at it.

It made me want to help him and yet, I know that's not where my passions are. I know that is not going to make me feel good, it will only add more stress to my life. I also know that I could contribute very little... but that's all he is really asking for.

It occurs to me though how little anything actually matters. I don't mean in the depressing "life sucks" way. I mean in the... what does it really matter if I don't teach my BEST class. What does it really matter if I don't have EVERYTHING READY on day one of work. Does it matter if I have the best trip, or worst trip, or somewhere in-between... and if something is upsetting is it really the end of the world?

Now I just need to convince my mind to let go of it... 2 hours is enough thinking brain. Let it go.

When sedentary for so long it sometimes feels as if I have never done anything. Like I am the dirt, my planted roots take the form of the house and it feels like I could never leave, like I have always been. She says this house is 80 years old, its my cranky knees but it'd be so easy to set me adrift tornado, strong wind blow me over, I could be anew. I am the walls, I am this city, I am this job I am secure and unchanging. Revolutionary ideas are surprises, taste of excitement like good poetry, make you feel alive the way you aint been. Am I so symbiotic, I didn't notice becoming part of you, didn't feel you infiltrate me, I thought I had my own long hair, my own wild tongue, my own joyful smile, meanwhile I find you chipping away at my teeth, the fibers of my pants, my many faces all with eyes that reflect you. I forgot my song, started humming a plain one. I thought I was a new born, now find I am ancient or at least middle age. I turned to look over my shoulder and saw what I had been, an adventurer where did he go. I thought I had engineered a new path, find me now a paved one. I been paved on, oil slicken easy, rain slides right off me, aint soaked with passionate sorrow just stained in the meanwhile. Where is refreshing fragrance, where is impassioned discourse, zealous beauty chasing, falling into the plain modelesque notions of pretty, forgetting uproarious laughter, forgetting cosmopolitan color, forgetting statued staring at passing people, forgetting uncomfortable scary, forgetting panic punches to the gut and esteem, the confidence building of day surviving, the chasing of simplicity, the grandiose proclamations of understanding fully and simultaneously knowing fully that nothing can be known so simply. I forgot about dressing scandalously, supported in my ferocity and the casualness -laid back style of being brilliant, brilliantly not normal. Gleam in the eye special. Gleam in the eye everyone. How have I been so detached from my humanity. So blessed and appreciated into comfort, couch pillows, blankets. Not a bum's bindle, not a gifted hat, not a crocheted scarf, an entirely different fidgeting stomach, not tenacious, not disgusted, not angry or in love. Easy to see something is different, the question is how long will I swill it?

Always the same (6 or so topics)

I feel very dull... and I am not entirely sure I am uncomfortable with it. I guess I feel less and less like I have to impress people or maybe just less excited to try.
This isn't at all accurate... but I can't figure out what is really going on so I am going to lie about it to you.

Inbetween homework

A) Now that Morgan made me aware that Kilgore has been peeing on things everything smells like piss. '

B) My children are going to think I was really conceited. I fucking love taking/manipulating pictures of myself.

C) Alash is awesome!

D) I am about to buy tickets... fuck it. (I guess I am going to Mexico -purchased)
-I am scared I am not giving myself enough time... I literally finish work -have one day off, then leave. I work the day after I get back. I will have to give myself some relaxation time on the trip.

E) I was thinking about this earlier...
its really hard for me to stop being appreciative when I am in that kind of mood... or when I get in the habit of being that way around someone. I am not sure if it is habit or a reluctance to give up the positive feelings that come with it... but its hard when that mood gets me into trouble or makes me too vulnerable.

F) I hate how upset my stomach gets when I make big decisions... it started turning during the ticket buying process and hasn't stopped.

Making these is really addictive

Trip Update

Slight alterations:
Spots I would really like to hit:
Fly into Cancun, Chichen Itza, Tulum,
then down to Chetumal (Maya Museum) (total in Mexican Yucatan 3-4 days)
Then into Belize (no idea 2-3 days)
Then to Tikal, Guatemala
Guatemala City, Antigua (Guatemala for 5 days total)
Then to San Cristobal de las Casas, (1 day?)
Oaxaca, Mitla, Monte Alaban (2-3 days?)
Then to Cuernavaca (2-3 days)
Mexico City, Teotihuacan, Tlaxcala? (4-5 days)
Pelenque (1-2 days)
Get back to Cancun -fly out (add 3 days for travel and sickness?)
roughly 29 days... I am planning for roughly 31-32 so a few random stops along the way and we have a fucking plan.

I just reread that horoscope. The last line is what I would like to focus on.
On the car ride home from the coffee shop where I tried to be productive but kept getting distracted, I was thinking about how I wish I could hold on to righteous frustration, anger, or simply justification.
I was writing poems in my head about my inability to take time for myself, or feel reasonable in self protection, or feel sane in attempting to bring up my boundaries.
I can't because any attempts to do so, hurts others (unintentionally) and this hurts me.

But I feel lost in these often times wonderfully intimate friendships. Where am I when not with you? and more so I find that its hard to move forward in any kind of way when I allow myself to get caught up in the much easier (often times more rewarding, comforting) bonds of friendship.
But I am not going to have my needs met by these friendships, and all jokes and flirting aside... we are all well aware that its not going to happen.

I don't mean to say these friendships don't mean the world to me, I mean exactly that... when friendships mean the world to me, how am I supposed to find something more?
I look in my dreams, asleep or in fantasies to seek the universe, and wake up unfulfilled, and continue on with my day trying to make the happiness of my friendships comfort me in ways they can't.
Its not fair to me or them.
It means someone gets hurt when the other gets busy, has a new relationship, or has other obligations. Emotional intimacy with uninvited strings attached, that jump out when you least expect them, find yourself suddenly doused in self-consciousness because someone is having an off-day, or makes a silly comment -like a slap in the face (all very much unintended).

But even at the coffee shop, I want someone to talk to, to plan with, to argue with, to discuss with.
I can't do anything myself sometimes. Its not fulfilling, and it bothers me because I am about to take a month long vacation by myself and I know that I am going to get there... be in awe, and want to share it with someone (but no one will be there).

I don't want to give up any of these friendships... in fact I want them to grow stronger, I want more of them, I want to have time for them, but I also want to have a partner who understands me, a family someday, but I spend all my free time dating women who don't like me like that, and despite their claims (sometimes) probably never will.

This whole post feels like a betrayal, it feels mean and petty, cruel, blasphemy.

Who am I to say this? Who am I without you?

I am alone, unloved, hurt, broken, weak, savage, angry... but when I cover myself up with the best parts of you... I am still these things underneath.
I need to find another way to heal.

	Hurtful argument You're now easily offended. This is because something will now remind you of an old wound that hasn't healed	**
	During this time you should be careful and keep a tight rein on yourself - especially if you are anyway of a spirited disposition. If you are after some kind of "conquest", it is quite possible that under this influence you ignore warning signs and advance too directly and abruptly. There is also the danger, at the moment, that you sense competition or opposition where there is none. If you are too sensitive and quick-tempered, take every criticism personally and react in an offended manner, then around every corner is an enemy, and every conversation can turn into an argument in which you finally - without reason and probably without conscious intent - hurt others and are presumably yourself hurt to the same extent.
	The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today: Mars Square Chiron, , exact at 04:24 activity period from 1 June 2010 to 5 June 2010 I am amazed at how accurate this is.

I like to abandon my friends when I am stressed or self conscious, I am not sure if it is because I am too worried about being a burden or because I don't want them to burden me. Movies are ok though.

Do you feel neglected?

The contents of my backpack are scattered on the floor of my room.
I feel like I should be able to say that in Spanish by now...

I just had coffee with Gabi and it made me excited for my trip, which was good because I was getting scared. I haven't planned a whole lot. Haven't bought tickets nor checked people out on couch surfing nor checked out any hostels.
But I feel like it will be okay.

I went to target today and decided that I can handle a single backpack, a flashlight, bug spray, a small first aid kit, sunscreen and other travel sized bs, a camera, note pad, book, and some clothes.
Other things will be bought along the way.

I haven't decided yet about a phone. Gabi said it might be a good idea... so that I can make things easier like finding her family.

I am also a little worried about time... My plan is to do roughly this... with some little trips in between.



There are a bunch of tourism companies that run trips that are roughly exactly this... but I don't really want to deal with all that easy jazz. Timing will be tricky though... I have to be in Cuernavaca by about the 5th or 6th... which means about 2.5 weeks to do all of Cancun (Chitzen Itza) Belize and Guatemala, Chiapas and Oaxaca --- or in other words most of the Maya, Mixtec and Zapotec areas. Then I spend a few days with gabs and cats in Cuernavaca, then move on to Ciudad de Mexico for a week and then hightail it back to Cancun for a flight out with some stops at the historical coastal cities on the way.
Should be fun. Not sure about stopping in Veracruz.... its historically pretty influential (The port city for the capital) but I have no idea if it is worth it.

Hmmm other things...

Tuesday starts evals (finals). I forgot to bring some of my stuff home so it will be a little bit of work on Tuesday to get started. But it is an easy day. Most of the students are recent returns (meaning they don't have that much to write up). Most of them are doing pretty good too... so no big lectures. I might volunteer to step out... but I kind of want Friday off too.
Nothing big coming up this week besides that.

Tomorrow me and Alicia might see a movie and get a bite to eat.

Supposed to check in with spirit of truth pledges... none of my friends wanted to join(no surprise).
But as the song that just came on reminds me
all good gifts around us are sent from heaven above, so thank the lord for all his love.
(in anyway you choose)

16 days geez

The Great Office War from Runawaybox on Vimeo.

This song is waiting to be covered by someone with a better voice...

The weirdest thing keeps happening to me.
I used to think it was strange when people got upset over movies or tv. I thought "yeah, its supposed to make you feel that way... you deal with it." but lately I keep getting really anxious over things. Its not like any one type of thing either...
it started with serious reality tv shows like intervention, and then became a fairly regular thing with reality tv but has now gone into more fictional stuff... I was just watching
Crazy Heart and for some reason it was too much for me.
I got all anxious and couldn't keep watching.

what the hell....

ok I'm gonna try again.

Its funny how the things that help us deal with problems start to seem less interesting when those troubles arise...

That was my vague way of saying I think I haven't been writing because I was stressed and it seemed like a waste of time and energy... yet I write to relieve stress, and so it just kept getting more intense.

Also, I have been talking to people lately... by people, I mostly just mean Illy and my Mom, but I guess that has been helpful enough that I didn't need to constantly vent.

There are a few things going on in my life right now that are causing me stress.

1) Work:
A) Teaching is very stressful, constantly coming up with new ideas. I got myself in this trouble this trimester thinking current events classes would be helpful and good but it also means pretty much that you can't prepare a head of time... so basically I decide a day or two before what I am going to do and then hope nothing huge comes up. I am also trying to schedule a bunch of speakers to come in, but the trimester is winding down now and I'm starting to think that idea is a dying failure.

B) Student apathy, cynicism and survival. I started one of the classes with an editorial describing how cynicism keeps all of us from doing good in the world. It keeps all of us apart, selfish and untrusting, it keeps us from having hope or spending our energy towards positive change. On a regular basis I hear from students "That's just the way it is." "I'm just looking out for me" "Things won't change" etc. Part of me wants to blame them for being so stupid, selfish, self concerned and apathetic... and another part of me recognizes in them that they are in survival mode all the time. We are one of the most powerful and affluent societies in history, and yet in almost all of our children we breed such drastic insecurity that they are constantly in survival mode. Most move out of this, but it seems like that is taking longer and longer... Its all too overwhelming... between lack of mentors and role models, disrupted families, neglect/abuse, drugs and alcohol, the economy and the political situation... these kids feel on every level that they cannot depend on anyone. That not only can they not depend on them, but that the greater society is actually intending to hurt them... and we give them no reason not to believe this.
But we also challenge them on it constantly... a sort of "Yes that's true and????"
and the problem is they don't do themselves any favors...
Its not just that they are so alone, its that they do every thing in their power to make the situation worse. They cause conflicts, they lie, they cheat and steal, they hurt others, they lash out, they hurt themselves constantly (physically and otherwise), they do drugs, they don't pay attention, they certainly don't take any advice, they take concern as a challenge and challenges as a threat. They don't care enough about themselves to do any self care, and then they get pregnant or someone else pregnant so that they can raise a child in the same environment (assuming some how it will be different).
I know I should get out of the habit of calling them kids... but I feel like they truly are sometimes on so many levels... they are so young, almost innocent in how ridiculously ignorant they are.
Not all of them of course... there are a handful that may survive... but the honest majority are already struggling. They have all the potential and refuse to learn the good habits. It makes me question everything. It makes me cynical. It makes me angry and selfish. I can't let that continue.

C) Testing. Its testing season and by that I mean we literally have a new test every week for the students. All state or district tests that are mandatory. All dishearten and make already survival oriented students more anxious. Half the students fail them, because they don't know how to read, write properly (in any way) or do math.
Its a really stressful thing, but its more stressful (personally) because I have to keep track of all the BS paperwork that doesn't make any sense to me and I hate the whole process.
I have to spend time prepping tests instead of prepping lessons, which means even if I did know how to teach a kid to read (and I don't) I wouldn't have the time anyway...
Enough of that though its almost over.

D) End of the year BS. Planning events, paperwork, etc... its just a lot.


2) Spirit of Truth
This group I am sometimes drives me nuts. I decided after a bit of a crisis that I need to remove myself from my mental position of being a leader in this group because not only am I uncomfortable with leadership positions but it was also heading in a direction that I don't spiritually agree with. I don't disagree with the groups beliefs or values, I just believe in more than that... and I was hoping this could become my place of spiritual centeredness... but it isn't. It won't be... but because it won't be for me doesn't mean I can't help it or help others find it if it is for them... and so that is the position I have taken and it feels better.
There is still stress about it, but I feel like me again.

My mom summed it up when I was venting to her about my confusion... she said "Mike there is a bible story about the Shepard who leaves the flock and goes after the lost sheep" she was implying that I thought of myself that way, and was challenging me on why I don't feel I can stay with the flock... but what she really did was just made it clear exactly what I do believe...
Others lead, other shepards stay with the flock, that is their role and they are good at it and feel good about it. I look after the lost sheep, that is what I am good at and what I feel proud about. That is why I work at an alternative school... because its a bunch of crazy lost sheep... and I feel at home there.

So I may attend Spirit of Truth meetings, or services (if that is the route they decide on)... I will support, but I am not a leader of that group and soon I will probably stop being so directly involved. In the mean time I hope that the people I meet or bring to the launch or whatever will enjoy it... if nothing else as a think/feel piece. And that they find some connection to an idea that there is something good in the world... that we are called to help.

Still I sometimes feel silly doing the things we think will help... like advertising... we are trying to be co-creational so we came up with this idea of putting inspirational quotes and people's descriptions of what they believe or want in this world on the walls at the meeting. I believe it will help... but it feels pretty cheesy on facebook. I feel like I am proselytizing... which I don't believe in.

3) Grief
I realized this a week or two ago... but it came out yesterday. I now know a big part of why I am so stressed and so tight... is because my Grampa died a year ago and we are sort of having a family get together remembrance. Grieving is a weird thing.
My acupuncturist asked me if we were close... I said yes and no...
The last few years more so than before... but it was my Grampa wanting me around that made me love him. Being crabby when we were about to leave, hinting around that he wanted me to come out, to talk to him, to learn from him, or just to be around.... I know it was because he was feeling weak and lonely... but to me it was this very sturdy man who didn't budge on things... who cared so much that he couldn't show he cared... who was too proud to put old battles down... asking for me. It was the first time I ever felt like part of my larger family.
A family that tears itself apart at every opportunity... that rejects and neglects...
and they had (for a moment) accepted me.
There is a really strong fear in me that my family will never come back together... maybe this remembrance will be the last time I see people for years... and we are all old and moving on and starting families and there are too many names and birth dates to keep track of... but before it ended I was part of it.
Now I can share that with my family. Now I can feel like I come from somewhere that has a history (good and bad). Now I can feel less alone.
I didn't love my gramps because he was a flawless human being... I loved him because he let me see those flaws... and in some way made me realize mine were ok too.

My Dad has asked me a lot to edit and sort of publish the stories my grampa told me (I recorded some interviews with him). He wasn't really captured on those tapes though, he wanted everything to be too "good." He wanted to make people laugh and remember him for his quick success stories. He wanted to sugar coat things... or maybe he just didn't want to reflect on it anymore...
but in-between the interviews was when I got to know my Gramps.

4) Is there a four?
I don't know... I actually feel very surrounded with good people... so maybe there isn't a four except to say I always worry about letting them down.
I spose I could also say I am worried about love, and travel, and not learning spanish, and dying, and not having energy enough to satisfy (which is like slow death)....
I am disappointed I do not get to see people more often... or that when i have time I want to sleep instead. but none of this is new is it... feels good to type though.


None of this is what I was gonna write about... I don't really know what it was though... this was supposed to be a sort of intro...
And now its too late.


it is late.... Its 10:30 and all I have eaten today was some coke, donuts, candy and a cookie.
As you can tell when I am stressed I spend a great deal of time working towards being healthy.

I miss my hair

Haven't posted in a while I guess...


here are some facebook profile pictures







And uh.... a video or something...

Eat your heart out

Pretty Dramatic

I don't mean that in the beautiful sense although sometimes I feel happy about my looks.

I feel very off-kilter lately. I feel like I must be the most dramatic person in the world sometimes.

Its entirely a crisis of self consciousness, or maybe of doubt and confusion.

Its entirely based on my therapy session, NO my spiritual group, NO my work situations, NO my friendships, NO my romantic relationships past and future.

I feel like if I just subscribed to the spiritual beliefs of John Frusciante lyrics I would probably be ok... if I struggled to keep them in mind... because they are so crazy and so all over the place and so honest about believing so many different things... and that is true.

I am not having a crisis of faith... I am having a crisis of knowing what I am called to do... because it was clear and then I jumped to something new and now I am wondering if that something new really wasn't all that new, just something else in the disguise of newness.

I still believe in what they are doing... I am just not sure that that is where I get my energy.


Or in other news...

Illy introduced me to the idea of dating someone.
I don't know that that is going to happen... or be good or anything... but I think its really sad how many excuses I have thought up since last night... and how much less frequent the thoughts that it could be good are.

Makes me realize how low my self esteem really is in that department.

It sucks that even when things turn out for the best... when looking back at old relationships its really easy to see the failures and not the triumphs.

I want to talk to my mom.

I feel like I get this song more than ever... even though I am not a touring musician.




My name is volatile
I've been this way a long while
I'd surely like to rest
But the energy gets the best of me
It's been a wild ride
I wouldn't change a minute
I can't slow down inside
Guess that's why I live it

The years of mischief
Followed by weeks of thrift
I land on earth's hard face
No legs could keep that pace
And through the rest I sift

Is there ever a time
When the state of sleeping willingly leaves my mind

Highly frustrated wanna feel elated
Come monday morn you feel checkmated
You can be uncool and become the rule
Exceptions were made to drown

I'm not used to it, you'd think I'd be by now
The ins the outs the ups and the downs

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures, Just creatures
It comes and goes and comes and goes

Sometimes I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do

I know what you we're gonna say
But were afraid to cause dismay
You're lyrics switched around
The mixture watered down
And now a pointless display

It's something one won't understand
Unless there in it with me hand and hand

Don't buy the fear don't buy that my dear
The things you love you must keep near and
Carry on and you won't feel withdrawn
Even if you're coming down

Sometimes it's wearable sometimes is bearable
I careen towards balance til' the glass is full

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures, just creatures

It comes and goes and comes and goes
Sometimes
Sometimes I get a little out there
Sometimes I go off
Sometimes just like you

I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do
Sometimes I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do

In school today we were reading an excerpt from Master of Love a book by somebody...
The author was talking about how the path of love and the path of fear are opposites.
Very simply put, the path of love makes you feel good, the path of fear makes you feel all the horrible feelings...

The author at one point early on states without much explanation, that for most of us we spend about 95 % of our time and effort in relationships of fear.
We worry about what they will think, feel, how they will react towards themselves or to us. We make excuses for them and ourselves, we don't take responsibility for the right things etc.
We spend so much time fearing that they will judge us that we will forget who we are altogether 95% of the time...

Its hard to recognize how true this is... I mean to really recognize it.

To recognize that almost everything you do you do to please someone elses wrong construction of who you are... and that you try to fit that mold and never disturb their monster and they do the same for you.

Its hard not to put people in that glorious spot.
Hard not to want to find the perfect.
Hard not to want to see it in yourself (someday).
but all that is fear not love.
Love accepts and supports... it doesn't say you aren't good enough.

In my spiritual group last night somebody described the process of Easter being one that could be renewed continually... the death and resurrection of something better, constantly on loop.

Like praying to Shiva in the morning and Brahma in the afternoon... or in reverse perhaps.

I feel this process going on with me lately... and it feels chaotic... it feels stressful... it feels like anxiety and panic, like an urgency to break down barriers and an equally strong urge to build them.

Its not really all that pleasant though at time I feel passionate, at other times I feel quite out of control and still at other times completely drained.

I try to do good things, people pleasing things to offset the balance... and yet I want to destroy, for the sake of honesty, for the sake of myself.

It doesn't feel like I should ask people to trust me right now... it doesn't feel like I should take on more responsibilities and yet that is what I am doing... because I am afraid of letting things falls apart. Because I am afraid of letting myself and others down.
But it would probably be good to have some ultimate failure sooner or later so that I know its ok.
If only that is the message I could take away...
that I am okay.

Thanks to Illy for calling me out at the right time

Letting you know that one piece doesn't necessarily make it easier to be a good person, but it makes it easier to be me.






I need to do my taxes





I need to invite people to the SoT launch.





I need to do some reading and planning





I need to make time for fun, creativity and non-work productivity





I need to do more one on ones

Dissapointed and budgeting for a trip

Last night I started working on Spanish with Rosetta Stone. Turns out they have some pretty strict policies on sharing the program... my mother had bought the program and was told that she could install it on three different computers. I guess its only two and not simultaneously. So if anyone else is running it, I can't, but I may not be able to have it anyway because I would be the third.

I looked at pricing for the program... its cheaper than taking a class, but at least with a class I could get some credits. The program was really easy, fun, interactive. I actually looked forward to the next lesson which I have never felt going to a spanish class.
Sure I have something like 5 friends who speak spanish but I get so embarrassed speaking it and the nice thing about the program is that it seemed really suited to meet the learners needs where as a friend of mine trying to remind me of things would probably just say things that came to their head, not what I might actually need.

I would buy the program, but I am not necessarily on good financial ground right now.
I have three or four big expenses right now that are weighing on me. Still I feel like this might be a really helpful thing before I go to Mexico and I have been wanting to pick up some language skills lately... I feel like it would help my work at school too.

Bills:
Credit cards $431 + recent purchases.
Car Insurance $653
Taxes (Probably go to H&R Block which costs mucho)
Upcoming counseling bills
-something around $2000

So these plus regular stuff...


Rosetta stone costs
approx: $230 -700 depending on which version. The one my mom had costs $409 and seemed pretty basic (I was wondering if I would need another level).

I guess the real question is will this be worth it?
In the long run if I buy a copy of it I can touch up on my skills anytime... I will have enough time to practice a bunch before my trip (so that things sound familiar when I get there).
My total budget for my trip was going to be well over what I spent in Europe for the amount of time because I was spending about 1000 a month there on average, but I am expecting a lot more expenses (even though things will be cheaper in Mexico) I am not planning on bringing much. For instance I was thinking one slightly bigger backpack (but not a backpacker pack) and just buying clothes and things as I need them.
The climate changes will be pretty dramatic, but I assume if it gets cold I can buy a sweatshirt or a small rain jacket. If it gets hot I can strip off clothes.
I just don't want to be worried about my bag, ideally I would like to be able to lose it or have it stolen and other than maybe a guide book (not worry about what I am missing).
Anyway this means more costs than Europe. I also want flexibility with transportation and my route. If I want to go to Guatemala city, then I should go. If I want to spend a week traveling to small villages in Chiapas or Oaxaca then I should. If I want to fly out of Mexico city instead of flying out of Cancun, then I should... but this could all lead to higher costs. So I was thinking that tickets and insurance or whatever included I would budget 3000 for a month. Maybe I was over budgeting and the added expense of rosetta stone could be part of that.... but last year with work I saved exactly $3000 by the end of the summer and since I didn't really get a raise I was expecting about the same this year (only I have had more expenses).
Right now I have saved about 1400, but like I said I have a bunch of bills to pay in the next week or so, so I am guessing much of that will be gone shortly.
As of right now tickets look like they will be around $500 for the round trip (the circular route to and from Cancun). Seems like Rosetta Stone might be a good investment.... maybe not so disappointed.

Indecision

Turns out I am not dying. Which is good according to some.
What I am suffering from now other than eczema (doctors diagnosis on red spot) is indecisiveness.
Should I learn spanish? Watch a movie? Read a book? Go to sleep?
Everything seems like such a commitment. What happens if I get tired half way through the spanish lesson/chapter/movie?

Shaving head reveals troublesome spots... time to go to dr.

So.... along with just having a really uneven cut...


I have always had a few spots on my head...

but for the last year or so I have been picking at this one. I had no idea it was so big! Now I am worried...

The Frustrating Things

Well it seemed like time to post so here is whats up:

I am currently on spring break (the perks of being a teacher) which has allowed me to have a lot of time to do other things like relax, read, hang out with friends, plan a trip to Mexico etc. This time has been really good for my personal well being. I have for the most part felt fairly good about who I am and my place in the world. At times I have even felt really excited about things I can teach in the future, my trip and some of the friendships and opportunities I have.
I had three major goals for this time: A) To plan my trip and do research on Mexico B) to get my car title transferred C) to hang out with friends and make some of the invitations to the big event we are planning for May 23rd.

I am doing pretty well on 1 of those three (A). I plan on getting B done tomorrow since the DMV will be closed on the weekend. C is a longer process. I think I could probably send out generic invites but a lot of people don't even know what the group is. I think if I were to explain basic ideas of it most of the people I have in mind would be interested, but the idea of mixing religion and politics is so backwards to a lot of my friends that I could very well get very negative responses despite the fact that these people might trust me personally.

Maybe you have thoughts?
From the tentative website:
Our conviction is that love is the center of all that is, and justice is the public expression of love.

The stories that touch us and that ring true in our hearts are stories of liberation, freedom and world transformation. From Moses and the Exodus, to the American Civil Rights movement, we are moved and invited to participate in creating a world of justice and freedom. While the world as we experience it each day and our own cynicism and fear might lead us to deny love and justice, it is the truth into which we must live.

Spirit of Truth is a new faith community that is dedicated to truth of love and justice. We believe God calls us to live life in community with each other, to work powerfully for justice, and to act humbly out of love.

Spirit of Truth is just beginning, yet has already been powerful and transformational. If you are interested in a new faith community that is inclusive of all, is powerful, multi-racial, relationship-based, and co-creational, please join us!

I think its funny because as much as it may be a faith community it is more of a value community. We use language that sounds religious, but when you compare the meanings we use these words with to that of "christians" in this country they are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum. We use political language to describe the stories in the bible, and religious language to describe the modern day...
at the heart of it is the very common idea (now) that God is love, but we take it a step further and say the worldly expression of love is justice. Meaning you wont find god/love in injustice, but you will always find it (if you are looking) in the struggle against injustice and the creation of a just world. So our mission as humans then is to try to create a better world where people see in each other goodness, where we don't live in fear, where we try to create opportunity for all... and we look at the struggles of the past (in sacred texts and secular ones) to find stories of people who struggled for these same ideas... and use them to guide us.
In many ways this is different from religion (as a set of rules or hierarchies to follow), but it does require faith and an acceptance that your values are important.

------------------------

So speaking of which... back to the personal.

When I started writing I was really pissed off. I was pissed off because I don't understand why I take everything so personally, ticked off because I feel like sometimes people who love me also seem to hate me, ticked off because I am constantly in contact with people who hate themselves and are determined to hurt themselves, ticked off because there is nothing I can do about it, ticked off because I feel guilty about that.

(Back to the Spirit of Truth thing, part of the reason we believe in community is because as an individual you can only do so much, but in community you can change the world- behind every individual in history there was a community relegated to invisibility by the text and stories but there none the less).

I had my second visit to the counselor this week. I am officially diagnosed with Paraphilia (not otherwise specified) and Anxiety Disorder (not otherwise specified). That's so that I can be tracked by my insurance company even though they don't want to pay. Both of these could be changed, added or subtracted at any minute according to my doctor based on things I say because we will be pursuing these paths in the future, but he seemed confident that I fit the criteria for these two without (at this point) meeting requirements for any other diagnosis (fun).
From my own point of view though I agree entirely. For years I have been wandering in and out of anxiety related problems, constantly second guessing myself, creating boundaries that other people don't need but that help me feel safe/comfortable/allow me to trust myself. I started describing some of these things to the doctor and though he stays very pleasant during the sessions (and I am sure he has heard everything) he seemed almost relieved to realize that I overstated my concerns about myself (while being honest for the first time ever!) -or was it just me that was relieved when I heard myself out loud recognizing all the work I have done to try to be a better person... and yet it seems so unnecessary for any "normal" person.
Paraphilia is no surprise story... how often have I derisively or proudly proclaimed myself a pervert?
The whole thing is a weight off my chest, shoulders, stomach, joints and muscles... not to mention my heart and over-reactive brain... but at the same time I wish I could just move forward without scheduling, without missing work, without paying exorbitant costs. I wish I could know my future... and be told (You will be alright)... though the doctor almost gave me that assurance the other day.
In the meantime I told Lacey yesterday or the day before (the days are starting to mix because I am not on a routine schedule) that one of my hopes is that I will learn to be less picky about people again... that I will drop some of my baggage enough to recognize and enjoy difference, variety, "flaws" (the ones I do see, not the ones I already love) in potential partners. Furthermore that I will stop being so damn defensive (which is, I believe where the picky-ness comes from). My reasoning doesn't necessarily make the best of sense, but in general I am hoping that when I stop hating myself I will stop being so negative and open up to the possibilities again.
In recognizing this though I had a moment of "holy shit I'm fucked up" which I have said in statement but I don't think I really appreciated fully. I am really messed up over past relationships.
Years ago Becky sent me a letter and said she needed to "take the power back" and I agreed with her... but now I sort of feel like I have been on the defensive/victim side for too long and need to do so myself. I shouldn't feel like shit every time I accidentally hurt someone's feelings, nor should I assume I did something wrong every time someone else is cranky.
I need to start being okay with people being mad, disappointed, frustrated with me... I am working on this at work, but its a hell of a lot harder with friends and family....
and here I am back at the beginning of this whole counseling thing.
At some point I will forgive myself, possibly in the process I will have to ask for forgiveness from people and wait for them to work through their anger with me till we reconcile.

Well thats my rant for the night and I am sticking to it, even if it sounds a lot like shit I have said a week or two ago or 6 years ago for that matter.

Gotta Love the Dayjoborchestra

If you can't tell the dialogue is completely made up from what it looks like they could be saying.

Makes Me Cry cuz its just too beautiful

"Still Exists" by John Craigie

Saw your raincoat on my porch today, crumpled up next to my feet
I must admit it seemed kinda strange, cause it hasn't rained here in weeks
Funny how things in life can be like the rain, between sun and storm we don't know what is best
The rain it is long gone but your raincoat still exists

I've been growing my beard out, got it all soft like it was with us
I know you never liked my hairy face, but it sure felt good when we touched
Funny how things in life can be like hair, we remove them but they just come back so thick
Your touch it is long gone, but my beard still exists

If you were around you'd be hearing my guitar, cause I've been playing more often than usual
I guess it's the fun of being single or the pain of knowing that you could
Funny how things in life can be like songs they begin they end and then they're gone
You stopped singing me yours a long time ago but I haven't stopped thanking you for each one that I got

Because love is not a cold, love is not the flu
I don't think getting over people is what you're supposed to do
Love is a gift, thank you love.

John Craigie is a wonderful storytelling folk singer. In the middle of this song he starts to tell a story about how failing is ok, in fact it can be good... he starts to tell this story because he is reminded of a bad show he did and a sign that he saw after that said "If you haven't failed lately, you haven't tried."

Anyway he tells a story of childhood about how he sucked at baseball and how eventually this really helped his team because he was able to strike out at the key moment and win the game.

Then he continues on with the last two verses... the two stories have nothing in common, except his gentle guitar playing, humor and love, but somehow you think the whole world is related after he is done...

Its really beautiful.

Sucker for Love

I think the biggest barrier between me and a relationship or a hook up or anything is my doubts that someone would actually like me for me. Or would still appreciate me if I told them all my secrets and interests.
I recently caught myself thinking some pretty extreme thoughts about someone who I am not even really attracted to because I thought they might not judge me.
When I review the list of people I have really liked it was usually because they liked me, I am not saying I like everyone who likes me... but the people who seemed to hint that they could accept me, I let my guard down to.
I dunno.... just interesting.
time for bed

Not a Knight Tonight

You ever go to a weird exciting theater, spoken word, dancing and singing type performance that happens to be celebrating Femme celebration of sex and love and the audience is full of queer and lesbian types who seem comfortable and excited and energetic and honest... and the show is fresh and bold and hilarious and amazing, and then right during the last two numbers two drunk guys walk in try to ruin the whole thing... because they are drunk and looking for a good time and don't understand the celebration they are ruining... so you get really angry because they are sitting right behind you... and even though you think gender and sex stereotypes are bullshit you really want to beat the crap out of them "because you should as a man" and you are trying to think of the best way to deal with it... but instead you just keep letting it happen because you can't really think of anything without threatening them openly... and while you are doing nothing 3 tough ass lesbians who you have been admiring all night come over surround the guys and continually tell them to shut up every time they try to talk... intimidating them enough that they realize (at the very least) that they shouldn't ruin the show anymore even though they don't really realize or can't admit that they were doing anything wrong... and afterward you feel ashamed because even your female friend had the courage to say something bold and honest to them... but you didn't...? that ever happen?

Yeah... I feel pretty lame.
Also... I still get sick.
but it was a good show... thanks to Becky for making me aware of it... and also Jess for inviting me because I wouldn't have gone otherwise.

off balance like the biker with the case of Natty Ice

I was reading poetry tonight. A local poet by the name of 6 is 9 (or Khary Jackson) who had wowed me a few weeks back. I have his spoken word cd in my car and had listened to his piece about artists and poets, and then I raced inside to look for the words, saddened when I couldn't find them in the chap book, I eagerly searched for them throughout his myspace. I came up short. I read a lot of good ones though... So much so that I wanted to find a piece of mine that I could be equally as proud of, so I searched through them less eagerly on one of the 50 million blogs I keep. I came up short.
Its always that way isn't it? Not quite inspired enough to go for the gold or really hit the right note, so your poetry falls flat, so that even when you are really into it, its still just not olympic.
This is why we revere Gods at mountains and oceans instead of in ourselves.

The thought of having 11 followers freaks me out.
You should be devoting your time to something higher like world peace or ending starvation or giving all humans free health care or ending slavery or making people smile, or at least giving them good orgasms.

One of my students said that I always push them to do better, its a good thing we don't talk about orgasms at school.

_________________________________________________________________

On 4 other notes...

A) Chatroulette! seems like it would be really fun, but I am too scared to show my face.
B) I have no idea how to do what I am supposed to do for my cult. How do you put into words and steps the process for making human connections and caring about people. Its really bothering me that I don't know how to do what is expected of me (on some level).
C) Its finals time at school... I go back and forth between being extremely proud and being extremely disappointed with my students (and the future of humankind).
D) I am really not entertaining enough to have 11 followers... Feel free to lose interest at any time.

Wonderland

I saw the movie...
I associate Alice in Wonderland with two things:

A: "White Rabbit"/Drugs/Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas


B: The storyteller.
Warmth and sleep, I swear I wanted to listen all night or hold you but I was equally wishing to dream of the stories you told, sang, became.
I spent the whole movie wanting to text you, wondering if you had seen it, what you thought, if it was blasphemy or good, if it was exciting or sad.
I wanted to write my number on your wall and say "for drunk dialing on your new phone, sing me a song again."




There is a scene in the movie that reminds me of the excitement and trepidation of new love, I don't mean the feeling of being excited for someone new, or liking someone, a crush... I mean recognizing that you love someone, approaching them for the first time after recognizing it, a surge of confidence as you embrace the idea, a slight fear that the other person doesn't, and the nervousness of not knowing if it all shows too much, because you can't hold back your smile, or the joy you feel at seeing them. You feel certain that everything has changed though its still all in the same place, and your love... standing or sitting or resting just so in their place... makes you want to thank the heavens that they are still there.

Its like recognizing that your reality is the dream you have been loving and waiting for.
Every thing in its right place.

It was nice to feel, even if it was just a movie.

The Quest for Love

(Totally stole this image, sorry)

I complained for the longest time that I wasn't interested in anyone. I had had small crushes that didn't go anywhere -and I wasn't truly interested in any of them for having a relationship.
Now I find myself in a place where I do want a relationship (despite my better judgment) and keep falling for people who couldn't possibly be what I want/need (for me).
Which makes me feel both inadequate (the old how will anyone love me?) and really messed up for liking people who aren't on the same sort of path.

Its kind of a let down. I feel like there are a lot of things I need to work on, maybe things I need to get over about myself... but in the long run, whoever I want to really love me back will have to be someone I trust with all of it. Otherwise I will feel like I am sleazy... but these ones aren't the ones to be trusted.

Yep

I wanted to write, to be optimistic and conscious of the wonderful paths that people are on. To be in awe of the journeys, to be excited by the possibilities.
Things change so easily... gestures so (un)intended are so easily misconstrued as grievances.
but I had been enjoying the dazzle, the subtle openness, the intrigue and wonder of the removal of so many barriers.
Can't I long to be longed for?
Can't I enjoy my own desire for others?
Can't I love beauty in its mischievous and deviant as well as innocent and comfortable forms?
Can't I embrace the inner-workings, the underlying, the tension and relief?
Can't I fall, and fall hard as is only human, without worrying about the inevitable discomfort?
Can't I too, find someone to pick me up and hold me after?

Trading Cars

So I feel really weird about this... but I guess its a really nice deal. You see... I have had this Black 97 Toyota Corolla since I was 16 (not actually pictured). You see something similar above only mine is dented and beat up like a 13 year old car should be. My car and I went through a lot together. I even started calling it "the confessional" in my head because of all the intense conversations I have had in that car.
It has taken me across the country, got me through college, seen me with all three girl friends and generally I just really learned to love it. I have eaten in the car, slept in the car, kissed in the car, sang and cried in the car.
Anyway... its just a car.

It is also pretty beat up. Numerous small accidents, the trunk doesn't open, the cd player doesn't work properly, the starter is acting up, the tires are never properly inflated, the sound goes on and off, the volume knob is missing, the key sometimes doesn't work, the car is a screecher and generally its getting kind of old.

That being said, my mom mentioned a few months ago that she was planning on giving me her car when she got a new one... she said in the next year or two. So a few days ago she calls me and says she got a new car. Which means I get


.
The 2001 Toyota Avalon that my Grandma got a long time ago and gave to my mom when she couldn't drive anymore.
Its pretty luxurious.
Its pretty yuppie.
It feels kind of weird...
Its super big, actually has a working cd player, has multiple screens and fancy buttons I don't know what to do with. It has a door locker beepy thing. Its got features I don't know what to do with... its got nice seating and did I mention its huge?
I'm pretty sure it even has heated seats...

I pulled up into the Burger King Drive thru window and felt really fucking weird.
I know I am making a big deal out of nothing... but my students give me shit for growing up in St. Louis Park because they think its the suburbs.
I could never afford this car without it being a gift.

anyway... I worry I am going to crash it, or get car jacked or something.
Its way too nice, but along with my hair cut and other new accessories I guess I am supposed to pretend to be a middle class adult now.

Valentines eve

Not that I celebrate that or anything...
Well I spose I would have to.

My daily romantic horoscope today said I should try to be content with group activities and not worry about pairing off... I'm pretty sure that was a blanket message to anyone single today.
I woke around 11 and have done basically nothing since.

I looked through old pictures and reminisced about being in love. Remembering the smiles and concerns. I long for them right now.
Its been far too long.

It seems there are far too many lonely single people in the world.

I was wondering... would relationships be better off if once a year you were not required to be faithful...
Like I get weird when my partners drink... thats way too overbearing.
What if once a year I just assumed they were doing everything I didn't want them to.
As long as they were safe... would that be ok?


I am way too picky.

hair

Some thoughts

A) First off, I don't know if I know any of my "followers," but you should say Hi.
I don't know what has drawn you to this site, but feel free to enjoy (whatever it is that you find enjoyable about a strangers writing). I have been getting a lot of traffic lately for some reason... maybe you can clue me into how you found this?

B) Speaking of stalking... you know how sometimes you are on facebook and you stalk people... and then you realize that that person isn't living a very fascinating online life at that moment.... because no one posts on their wall for like a week or two. In your head this says "this person isn't as exciting as I was hoping" but more likely it just means that they have a real life...
yeah I was just thinking that.

C) I had a dream in which an old friend of mine's (who I am not often in contact with) father died. Now I am wondering if I should like warn him or something.
It was a very emotional dream.
However I also had dreams about going to college, having sex with some old lady, a guy in an invisible suit who came into our apartment to use the bathroom, and a bunch of other crazy things... so maybe its just weird mind games right?

D) Sometimes there just isn't anything exciting happening.

E) My hair is getting chopped off today. Expect before and after pictures.