The Frustrating Things

Well it seemed like time to post so here is whats up:

I am currently on spring break (the perks of being a teacher) which has allowed me to have a lot of time to do other things like relax, read, hang out with friends, plan a trip to Mexico etc. This time has been really good for my personal well being. I have for the most part felt fairly good about who I am and my place in the world. At times I have even felt really excited about things I can teach in the future, my trip and some of the friendships and opportunities I have.
I had three major goals for this time: A) To plan my trip and do research on Mexico B) to get my car title transferred C) to hang out with friends and make some of the invitations to the big event we are planning for May 23rd.

I am doing pretty well on 1 of those three (A). I plan on getting B done tomorrow since the DMV will be closed on the weekend. C is a longer process. I think I could probably send out generic invites but a lot of people don't even know what the group is. I think if I were to explain basic ideas of it most of the people I have in mind would be interested, but the idea of mixing religion and politics is so backwards to a lot of my friends that I could very well get very negative responses despite the fact that these people might trust me personally.

Maybe you have thoughts?
From the tentative website:
Our conviction is that love is the center of all that is, and justice is the public expression of love.

The stories that touch us and that ring true in our hearts are stories of liberation, freedom and world transformation. From Moses and the Exodus, to the American Civil Rights movement, we are moved and invited to participate in creating a world of justice and freedom. While the world as we experience it each day and our own cynicism and fear might lead us to deny love and justice, it is the truth into which we must live.

Spirit of Truth is a new faith community that is dedicated to truth of love and justice. We believe God calls us to live life in community with each other, to work powerfully for justice, and to act humbly out of love.

Spirit of Truth is just beginning, yet has already been powerful and transformational. If you are interested in a new faith community that is inclusive of all, is powerful, multi-racial, relationship-based, and co-creational, please join us!

I think its funny because as much as it may be a faith community it is more of a value community. We use language that sounds religious, but when you compare the meanings we use these words with to that of "christians" in this country they are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum. We use political language to describe the stories in the bible, and religious language to describe the modern day...
at the heart of it is the very common idea (now) that God is love, but we take it a step further and say the worldly expression of love is justice. Meaning you wont find god/love in injustice, but you will always find it (if you are looking) in the struggle against injustice and the creation of a just world. So our mission as humans then is to try to create a better world where people see in each other goodness, where we don't live in fear, where we try to create opportunity for all... and we look at the struggles of the past (in sacred texts and secular ones) to find stories of people who struggled for these same ideas... and use them to guide us.
In many ways this is different from religion (as a set of rules or hierarchies to follow), but it does require faith and an acceptance that your values are important.

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So speaking of which... back to the personal.

When I started writing I was really pissed off. I was pissed off because I don't understand why I take everything so personally, ticked off because I feel like sometimes people who love me also seem to hate me, ticked off because I am constantly in contact with people who hate themselves and are determined to hurt themselves, ticked off because there is nothing I can do about it, ticked off because I feel guilty about that.

(Back to the Spirit of Truth thing, part of the reason we believe in community is because as an individual you can only do so much, but in community you can change the world- behind every individual in history there was a community relegated to invisibility by the text and stories but there none the less).

I had my second visit to the counselor this week. I am officially diagnosed with Paraphilia (not otherwise specified) and Anxiety Disorder (not otherwise specified). That's so that I can be tracked by my insurance company even though they don't want to pay. Both of these could be changed, added or subtracted at any minute according to my doctor based on things I say because we will be pursuing these paths in the future, but he seemed confident that I fit the criteria for these two without (at this point) meeting requirements for any other diagnosis (fun).
From my own point of view though I agree entirely. For years I have been wandering in and out of anxiety related problems, constantly second guessing myself, creating boundaries that other people don't need but that help me feel safe/comfortable/allow me to trust myself. I started describing some of these things to the doctor and though he stays very pleasant during the sessions (and I am sure he has heard everything) he seemed almost relieved to realize that I overstated my concerns about myself (while being honest for the first time ever!) -or was it just me that was relieved when I heard myself out loud recognizing all the work I have done to try to be a better person... and yet it seems so unnecessary for any "normal" person.
Paraphilia is no surprise story... how often have I derisively or proudly proclaimed myself a pervert?
The whole thing is a weight off my chest, shoulders, stomach, joints and muscles... not to mention my heart and over-reactive brain... but at the same time I wish I could just move forward without scheduling, without missing work, without paying exorbitant costs. I wish I could know my future... and be told (You will be alright)... though the doctor almost gave me that assurance the other day.
In the meantime I told Lacey yesterday or the day before (the days are starting to mix because I am not on a routine schedule) that one of my hopes is that I will learn to be less picky about people again... that I will drop some of my baggage enough to recognize and enjoy difference, variety, "flaws" (the ones I do see, not the ones I already love) in potential partners. Furthermore that I will stop being so damn defensive (which is, I believe where the picky-ness comes from). My reasoning doesn't necessarily make the best of sense, but in general I am hoping that when I stop hating myself I will stop being so negative and open up to the possibilities again.
In recognizing this though I had a moment of "holy shit I'm fucked up" which I have said in statement but I don't think I really appreciated fully. I am really messed up over past relationships.
Years ago Becky sent me a letter and said she needed to "take the power back" and I agreed with her... but now I sort of feel like I have been on the defensive/victim side for too long and need to do so myself. I shouldn't feel like shit every time I accidentally hurt someone's feelings, nor should I assume I did something wrong every time someone else is cranky.
I need to start being okay with people being mad, disappointed, frustrated with me... I am working on this at work, but its a hell of a lot harder with friends and family....
and here I am back at the beginning of this whole counseling thing.
At some point I will forgive myself, possibly in the process I will have to ask for forgiveness from people and wait for them to work through their anger with me till we reconcile.

Well thats my rant for the night and I am sticking to it, even if it sounds a lot like shit I have said a week or two ago or 6 years ago for that matter.