Its funny how the things that help us deal with problems start to seem less interesting when those troubles arise...
That was my vague way of saying I think I haven't been writing because I was stressed and it seemed like a waste of time and energy... yet I write to relieve stress, and so it just kept getting more intense.
Also, I have been talking to people lately... by people, I mostly just mean Illy and my Mom, but I guess that has been helpful enough that I didn't need to constantly vent.
There are a few things going on in my life right now that are causing me stress.
1) Work:
A) Teaching is very stressful, constantly coming up with new ideas. I got myself in this trouble this trimester thinking current events classes would be helpful and good but it also means pretty much that you can't prepare a head of time... so basically I decide a day or two before what I am going to do and then hope nothing huge comes up. I am also trying to schedule a bunch of speakers to come in, but the trimester is winding down now and I'm starting to think that idea is a dying failure.
B) Student apathy, cynicism and survival. I started one of the classes with an editorial describing how cynicism keeps all of us from doing good in the world. It keeps all of us apart, selfish and untrusting, it keeps us from having hope or spending our energy towards positive change. On a regular basis I hear from students "That's just the way it is." "I'm just looking out for me" "Things won't change" etc. Part of me wants to blame them for being so stupid, selfish, self concerned and apathetic... and another part of me recognizes in them that they are in survival mode all the time. We are one of the most powerful and affluent societies in history, and yet in almost all of our children we breed such drastic insecurity that they are constantly in survival mode. Most move out of this, but it seems like that is taking longer and longer... Its all too overwhelming... between lack of mentors and role models, disrupted families, neglect/abuse, drugs and alcohol, the economy and the political situation... these kids feel on every level that they cannot depend on anyone. That not only can they not depend on them, but that the greater society is actually intending to hurt them... and we give them no reason not to believe this.
But we also challenge them on it constantly... a sort of "Yes that's true and????"
and the problem is they don't do themselves any favors...
Its not just that they are so alone, its that they do every thing in their power to make the situation worse. They cause conflicts, they lie, they cheat and steal, they hurt others, they lash out, they hurt themselves constantly (physically and otherwise), they do drugs, they don't pay attention, they certainly don't take any advice, they take concern as a challenge and challenges as a threat. They don't care enough about themselves to do any self care, and then they get pregnant or someone else pregnant so that they can raise a child in the same environment (assuming some how it will be different).
I know I should get out of the habit of calling them kids... but I feel like they truly are sometimes on so many levels... they are so young, almost innocent in how ridiculously ignorant they are.
Not all of them of course... there are a handful that may survive... but the honest majority are already struggling. They have all the potential and refuse to learn the good habits. It makes me question everything. It makes me cynical. It makes me angry and selfish. I can't let that continue.
C) Testing. Its testing season and by that I mean we literally have a new test every week for the students. All state or district tests that are mandatory. All dishearten and make already survival oriented students more anxious. Half the students fail them, because they don't know how to read, write properly (in any way) or do math.
Its a really stressful thing, but its more stressful (personally) because I have to keep track of all the BS paperwork that doesn't make any sense to me and I hate the whole process.
I have to spend time prepping tests instead of prepping lessons, which means even if I did know how to teach a kid to read (and I don't) I wouldn't have the time anyway...
Enough of that though its almost over.
D) End of the year BS. Planning events, paperwork, etc... its just a lot.
2) Spirit of Truth
This group I am sometimes drives me nuts. I decided after a bit of a crisis that I need to remove myself from my mental position of being a leader in this group because not only am I uncomfortable with leadership positions but it was also heading in a direction that I don't spiritually agree with. I don't disagree with the groups beliefs or values, I just believe in more than that... and I was hoping this could become my place of spiritual centeredness... but it isn't. It won't be... but because it won't be for me doesn't mean I can't help it or help others find it if it is for them... and so that is the position I have taken and it feels better.
There is still stress about it, but I feel like me again.
My mom summed it up when I was venting to her about my confusion... she said "Mike there is a bible story about the Shepard who leaves the flock and goes after the lost sheep" she was implying that I thought of myself that way, and was challenging me on why I don't feel I can stay with the flock... but what she really did was just made it clear exactly what I do believe...
Others lead, other shepards stay with the flock, that is their role and they are good at it and feel good about it. I look after the lost sheep, that is what I am good at and what I feel proud about. That is why I work at an alternative school... because its a bunch of crazy lost sheep... and I feel at home there.
So I may attend Spirit of Truth meetings, or services (if that is the route they decide on)... I will support, but I am not a leader of that group and soon I will probably stop being so directly involved. In the mean time I hope that the people I meet or bring to the launch or whatever will enjoy it... if nothing else as a think/feel piece. And that they find some connection to an idea that there is something good in the world... that we are called to help.
Still I sometimes feel silly doing the things we think will help... like advertising... we are trying to be co-creational so we came up with this idea of putting inspirational quotes and people's descriptions of what they believe or want in this world on the walls at the meeting. I believe it will help... but it feels pretty cheesy on facebook. I feel like I am proselytizing... which I don't believe in.
3) Grief
I realized this a week or two ago... but it came out yesterday. I now know a big part of why I am so stressed and so tight... is because my Grampa died a year ago and we are sort of having a family get together remembrance. Grieving is a weird thing.
My acupuncturist asked me if we were close... I said yes and no...
The last few years more so than before... but it was my Grampa wanting me around that made me love him. Being crabby when we were about to leave, hinting around that he wanted me to come out, to talk to him, to learn from him, or just to be around.... I know it was because he was feeling weak and lonely... but to me it was this very sturdy man who didn't budge on things... who cared so much that he couldn't show he cared... who was too proud to put old battles down... asking for me. It was the first time I ever felt like part of my larger family.
A family that tears itself apart at every opportunity... that rejects and neglects...
and they had (for a moment) accepted me.
There is a really strong fear in me that my family will never come back together... maybe this remembrance will be the last time I see people for years... and we are all old and moving on and starting families and there are too many names and birth dates to keep track of... but before it ended I was part of it.
Now I can share that with my family. Now I can feel like I come from somewhere that has a history (good and bad). Now I can feel less alone.
I didn't love my gramps because he was a flawless human being... I loved him because he let me see those flaws... and in some way made me realize mine were ok too.
My Dad has asked me a lot to edit and sort of publish the stories my grampa told me (I recorded some interviews with him). He wasn't really captured on those tapes though, he wanted everything to be too "good." He wanted to make people laugh and remember him for his quick success stories. He wanted to sugar coat things... or maybe he just didn't want to reflect on it anymore...
but in-between the interviews was when I got to know my Gramps.
4) Is there a four?
I don't know... I actually feel very surrounded with good people... so maybe there isn't a four except to say I always worry about letting them down.
I spose I could also say I am worried about love, and travel, and not learning spanish, and dying, and not having energy enough to satisfy (which is like slow death)....
I am disappointed I do not get to see people more often... or that when i have time I want to sleep instead. but none of this is new is it... feels good to type though.
None of this is what I was gonna write about... I don't really know what it was though... this was supposed to be a sort of intro...
And now its too late.
it is late.... Its 10:30 and all I have eaten today was some coke, donuts, candy and a cookie.
As you can tell when I am stressed I spend a great deal of time working towards being healthy.
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