Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I just reread that horoscope. The last line is what I would like to focus on.
On the car ride home from the coffee shop where I tried to be productive but kept getting distracted, I was thinking about how I wish I could hold on to righteous frustration, anger, or simply justification.
I was writing poems in my head about my inability to take time for myself, or feel reasonable in self protection, or feel sane in attempting to bring up my boundaries.
I can't because any attempts to do so, hurts others (unintentionally) and this hurts me.

But I feel lost in these often times wonderfully intimate friendships. Where am I when not with you? and more so I find that its hard to move forward in any kind of way when I allow myself to get caught up in the much easier (often times more rewarding, comforting) bonds of friendship.
But I am not going to have my needs met by these friendships, and all jokes and flirting aside... we are all well aware that its not going to happen.

I don't mean to say these friendships don't mean the world to me, I mean exactly that... when friendships mean the world to me, how am I supposed to find something more?
I look in my dreams, asleep or in fantasies to seek the universe, and wake up unfulfilled, and continue on with my day trying to make the happiness of my friendships comfort me in ways they can't.
Its not fair to me or them.
It means someone gets hurt when the other gets busy, has a new relationship, or has other obligations. Emotional intimacy with uninvited strings attached, that jump out when you least expect them, find yourself suddenly doused in self-consciousness because someone is having an off-day, or makes a silly comment -like a slap in the face (all very much unintended).

But even at the coffee shop, I want someone to talk to, to plan with, to argue with, to discuss with.
I can't do anything myself sometimes. Its not fulfilling, and it bothers me because I am about to take a month long vacation by myself and I know that I am going to get there... be in awe, and want to share it with someone (but no one will be there).

I don't want to give up any of these friendships... in fact I want them to grow stronger, I want more of them, I want to have time for them, but I also want to have a partner who understands me, a family someday, but I spend all my free time dating women who don't like me like that, and despite their claims (sometimes) probably never will.

This whole post feels like a betrayal, it feels mean and petty, cruel, blasphemy.

Who am I to say this? Who am I without you?

I am alone, unloved, hurt, broken, weak, savage, angry... but when I cover myself up with the best parts of you... I am still these things underneath.
I need to find another way to heal.