Weekends Under Quarantine

I have a list of things I "should" do. 
Some of them I am making progress with (book club, meditation, reaching out to parents).
Some of them I am avoiding (case notes, laundry, cleaning).
I have a list of things I "should't" do (watch netflix/amazon, play video games).
I know I will get the important things done because I want to start the week off well.

I was just out walking to the coffee shop. Under quarantine only a few peeps are allowed in at a time. I haven't had cash on me for weeks. I dropped half a bag of change in the tip jar. 
I took a paper handout on how to set up online to-go orders. I don't want to do that. 
On the way there, it was gray sky, misty, cold, lonely. The world is bare. 
My hair was flipping around. My face was feeling cold and tight. My neck stiff. 
Cars driving by, trying to get to their destinations without interacting. 
I looked across a parking lot and realized I had a choice to make. Did I want to grumble today or see the beauty in it all?
I tasted both. If I am totally honest, I am not sure which I want to choose.
Anger, frustration etc. have energized me when I am feeling down. 
But it's part of that karmic cycle you know?
I keep choosing situations that don't truly fuel my whole self, and then grumble on -frustrating myself with an incomplete puzzle. It's easy to blame others. It's easy to despair. In a lot of ways it's comforting, like a blanket pulled tight. It won't add anything to my life, but if I don't think too much about it, it could feel like a hug. And at the same time, I know there is also a bit of hazy eyed focus that allows me to let things jab me without repercussions. I am righteously angry, perhaps it is just finding my voice. Maybe it isn't a matter of choosing which, but acknowledging and letting them exist. Parts of me, each their purpose. And what today?

The quarantine has me low. And yet, I am also grateful.
The opportunities seem narrowed, and yet what is, is serving me well.
I have a great desire, and yet, I am not ready.
Slow down the universe screams, and if I am not listening, forces me to.

The gift of bread. That was how she won me over. 
And now I wonder who owns that kitchen?
And wonder why she couldn't be honest?
And wonder why it bothers me so.

I trick myself into believing I know people, see them, sometimes they trick themselves into believing it too. But it's scary to folks. No one wants to be seen truly, even if they crave it. Judgment, fear, opportunity to grow, someone constantly saying "what choice will you make this time?"
I am a scary bastard. This is why I giggle so much, lets laugh off the tension. You being human doesn't mean much if we put it in the light. 

So why do I judge my own humanity so mercilessly?

Last night after watching 4 hours of The Boys on amazon, I settled into read the book for book club. Chapter 2, know it. 
Chapter 3, aversive racism...
Racism is the water not the shark, you are part of it, privileged by it.
What do you do with that?  
The system is tilted in your favor, now what?
Fight fight fight?  till you are bowed over. 
Organize, communicate, activate, until the movement falls apart.
Teach, heal, listen, knowing it won't be enough... 
Also, your white guilt is meaningless and might even make it worse. 
What do you do with that?

Put your money where your mouth is, your body where your values are, your time and energy where you can make a difference... it won't be enough, you will feel as defeated or more than those who have not had the privileges you have. The system wins. What can you do to let it not kill you?

Is your individual life important?

I don't know. 




I called my mom and grant on FaceTime yesterday. It was fun. Grant and I argued over a nuanced position of whether the stock market is gambling. He said I was cynical and that it was a conspiracy. I  didn't say it, but it was his privilege speaking. White liberals wanting to hold on to their prosperity, while also proclaiming the need for change. We are not rebels. We are not revolutionaries. There are kids in cages today. We are the german people under the nazis. This is the water, and we are fish, not even jumping from our positions, but assuming if we swim far enough we might find a new way. But the poison is in the water, and it has dispersed. 






Abundance. Spirit. Truth. Walking away from illusion. There are no true answers. What feels right?
What feels possible? What is escape? What is just more attachment?
I find myself in this position often where I feel like I have to choose between human life and some non-human purpose filled life.  Not sure what is what. Maybe I am framing it wrong, seeing things from the wrong perspective. It feels like I should be able to have all things. Why can't I have meaningful work and love, and a family? and stability? and growth?  All things should be possible. 
But instead I often feel like it's one or the other. My human desires keeping me from good. My good desires keeping me from humanity.
Not a good framework. 

Day 14's affirmation was "There is a way, I can fulfill my true purpose in life." 
It's such a powerful statement. When I was young, I thought that we all fulfilled our life's purposes. But as I have grown, I recognize that we are all in this struggle to do so, and we don't really know how... I have faith that says we have the opportunity... and if I am honest it feels more like we will fulfill part of our purpose, and leave the rest to the next cycle. 
It has become harder and harder to say "I believe I can find the way to do it."  (not that there is only one path), but it's hard to imagine fulfilling my purpose... or maybe hard to imagine being happy while doing so. 

More later.