I am an expression of the abundant universe

I am actually having a hard time with that today...

I woke up thinking about M and her kids. More about her kids, and how even though I wasn't their parent, I was preparing to be for a year. Loved them. Fantasized about their futures. talked through her parenting decisions with her. Bought groceries and diapers and blah blah blah for them.  Yesterday in a moment of impulsiveness I said "I was a parent for a while."  The statement felt true... and this morning I was struggling with the truth of that -even though I wasn't technically, not really at all. But in my heart, I really wanted to be and I started seeing myself that way... as someone who would be a parent to these children.



I was stuck at home today for work. Will be for the foreseeable future. Socializing with coworkers and clients from a distance -just isn't the same. Telehealth therapy is not nearly as fun as in person.

I didn't have any espresso and the weak ass coffee I made was not enough.

I went to target twice today (didn't want to buy frozen stuff and leave it in the car). It was a weird atmosphere in there.

I waited to hear from my friend while I was in the target parking lot -stupidly I snooped on facebook.
I was suddenly pretty jealous, insecure, hurt, frustrated again. Feelings I haven't really felt since maybe last weekend when I was alone.

I focused on mindfulness, on considering abundance, on asking for what I need from the universe. Asked G-d to take care of all of us.

I walked around with my friend.

We ran into some of my old students. It made me realize I've lived lifetimes already. It was lovely and awkward.

There was plenty of beauty to behold, the sky, the plants, the houses, the little trinkets and art people put in their yards. The families playing while distancing.

My friend and I had a good conversation. We talked about future and present and past.

I came home and felt lonely.

Sometimes it feels like even the wrong fit is better than no fit.

I've been watching youtube, trying to figure out if I am going to go to bed early or binge watch something, or just cry for a while.

That might be nice.