Abundance or scarcity

I am sick. I am ok, but sneezy/coughing, and on quil.
I am beginning my (third) but really second week next week and school is cancelled. What will we do?  The instructions said stay home if you are sick, but I feel like I have a regular cold, and not the big covid 19 corona virus. What will this pandemic bring to our world?

I have been struggling to take it seriously. It seems like a natural cycle that we should embrace, and if not, then we should be better prepared to work through our interconnectedness rather than isolating and tearing things down. But outbreaks are going to happen, and maybe even be healthy for us. I would be devastated if people I knew were dying, but I would also recognize that some of this is natural. Like you can hate cancer, but cancer is still part of life. I will continue to pray for all of us, but I am not gonna live in fear of this bullshit.

This weekend I have been in isolation. I went out a few times, but limited contact. It has felt kind of disheartening. I spent most of yesterday playing computer games, and told myself that today would be work. I will probably do some work, but instead i've meditated, watched some videos, done some reading (for work), and went to the laundromat. In general, I feel ok. I am planning on going for a walk soon.

Work has been overwhelming, but it definitely feels like something that will be good for me in the long run. I am excited by the people and enjoying the students. I can imagine that once I get the basics of the job down, I will be more likely to have some influence. I'd love to move up and be a supervisor eventually. I think I can offer a lot.
There have been a few things that have felt a little disappointing, but in general I am really optmistic that it will be a good fit.

The one thing about this isolation, and work beginning, and knowing that life will be sort of standardized for a little while, is that I am very aware that I do not have a partner to share life with.
I woke up a few days ago with this realization, that even exciting things are not as exciting, and yesterday I was really feeling it again. All day inside playing a computer game and no reason not to.

I am a little sad that it wasn't a more productive weekend, but oh well. It appears as if the next few weeks I will have lots of time. Have to be adaptable. Have to see the abundant opportunities.

It was M's birthday. I was freaking out about it, in part because I had told myself it would be the last time I intentionally said hi. I asked Illy to confirm that it wasn't a crazy idea, that I wasn't just dwelling. I sent a short text. She didn't respond. I am still stuck in that question of... did I do something wrong? Is she just over me? Has she moved on and suddenly learned boundaries?  Is there something going on with her (in the moment OR like seriously?)   but none of these questions matter. I felt good that I said Hi, and I feel good that it will be the last time I reach out to her. Why desire a relationship with someone who doesn't appreciate you? I HOPE THAT I CAN REMEMBER THIS IN THE NEXT ROUND.

I really want to live my life in a higher vibration, in a place of abundance, in a positive space. I want to seek out new experiences, growth, healing, and recognize that fear and pain are not the end, but something you work through to get to a better place. I want to believe and live out the messages I would share with my students/clients, and I want to meet people who do this too, and bring them into my life. Bring high vibrations to our lives, and spread that positive growth mindset.

I need really strong, smart, reflective people in my life. People who believe in me, and want the best for me. I am not trying to step down anymore to pull folks up.

The mantra for today "Today I behold the abundance that surrounds me."  The task, write 50 names of people that have influenced your development, I wrote a page and could continue for another hour. I think I have been blessed. I think I need to continue to acknowledge these blessings daily, and continue to invite them into my life.  "So ham (hum)" I am that.