I was loosely watching this Teal Swan video on gaslighting, I say loosely because I hadn’t had enough coffee and was multitasking, but it was sinking in, and I think the loose associations allowed me to apply without directly following her train of thought. More than likely this is all an amalgamation of the different things I have read/seen and experienced personally over the years. I’ve probably written all of this before, but a recent chat with a friend has brought it to mind and these are things I need to recognize.
What I was thinking about is the specific aspect of how people who gaslight are protecting their own reality. So, when I gaslight others I am protecting my reality at the expense of theirs, and vice versa. And we do this mostly subconsciously when we are feeling vulnerable or worried about being vulnerable. I know that in high conflict situations I am more likely to do this when I am feeling attacked and need to protect some core sense of self. Some do this more often than others, and we tend to say people who do this all the time have either personality disorders or are diminished in their capacity for perspective taking –meaning either children or folks who we generally label as being outside the mental/cognitive norms -folks who have experienced trauma, some folks on the autism spectrum, folks with neurocognitive disorders/injuries, or some other mental illness that is interfering with their abilities.
So one way of thinking of this might be that some folks are reality shifters. They are people who struggle to shift their own reality away from what serves them, and thus insist on shifting/warping other’s reality.
There is nothing inherently wrong with having your own reality, we all do, but reciprocal relationships and social interaction require balancing rigidity and flexibility of personal reality in order to function well within social groups, -have the capacity to relate to others, share in their sense of reality etc. But people who are reality shifters, struggle to be flexible and it is because they are fear based –in self-protection mode/scarcity mode. They can’t see why they wouldn’t grab for what serves them, and can’t acknowledge/have empathy for those it harms because that would cause too much cognitive dissonance around their sense of self.
Other folks struggle with maintaining a sense of personal reality, a sense of self, so they are too easily influenced, and by being so are not genuine or able to have reciprocal relationships. Along with people who have a diminished sense of self, folks who seek out other perspectives or have an easy time of understanding other people’s perspectives are more likely to be taken advantage of (caretakers/empaths/truth seekers).
And all of us are also in-between, going back and forth on the spectrum trying to find the right balance between stagnancy and change, between personal reality and shared reality. The degree to which we can share reality is for most of us an indication of the degree to which we can be vulnerable, trust, take responsibility, hold folks accountable, give, have intimacy, or in other words, how close the relationship is.
Folks who reality shift others, create a sense of closeness by requiring the other to be in their reality (which feels like closeness, but isn’t reciprocal). It’s an artificial closeness that isn’t necessarily loving, but due to the shared reality may feel like intimacy. It’s a good trick, but it becomes detrimental to both people because it isn’t really true.
(I am fascinated with the concept of "attraction" because it is such an interesting part of the human experience)
From this lens, why am I attracted to people who reality shift? Why are they “charming?”
From this lens, why am I attracted to people who reality shift? Why are they “charming?”
I think there are a number of attractions to this type of person:
1) They offer a sense of intimacy that mimics real closeness, and for someone like me who feels capable of offering ‘understanding’ to anyone, strong feelings of closeness seem to suggest a greater sense of significance (chemistry/karma/star-crossed love).
2) There is a sense that I am special because I am able to have that closeness with them, whereas others (I am assured) are not. This competition has a huge impact on the ego, and reinforces a certain sense of self.
3) They are steadfast in their reality so I get a sort of false reprieve from having to balance my own. This is something I often think about with my anxiety -I am exhausted with myself. Anxiety is like constantly testing your reality, and it is annoying, so having someone else make the decisions is reassuring and from a certain perspective feels like they are caring for me.
4) I have savior/ helper issues. There is a certain amount of responsibility that I take on in these relationships. It is both the feeling that I know the person better than others therefor can help better than others, AND the idea that I can help this person feel safe/expand their reality and ability to take others perspectives –in other words, teach them to “grow up.” I see them as both vulnerable and extremely capable, and assume with the right support (because this is my world view) that they would grow out of these self-protective behaviors. The fact that these people are complex but rigidly focused on protecting a simplified version of themselves is something I am endeared to. My reality includes an ability to appreciate complexity, so I believe this is part of the reality I have to share with them in my attempts to be reciprocal, but ultimately, I lose my reality to theirs because mine is too flexible and theirs is not. Because I see myself as a helpful person, I only feel justified in removing myself when it starts to impact my other relationships and responsibilities.
5) Reality testing my own sense of self. I think on a certain soul/subconscious level, there is a desire in me to test myself, and I don’t find it difficult with most people to both take their perspective and maintain my own. In most interactions, I feel a sense of unease, but I feel very confident in my ability to process this unease and come to an understanding of who I am and what I believe afterward. I am especially attracted to people who have strong perspectives because they allow me to test my own sense of self, my own reality. I think in more intimate relationships this is an even stronger drive. I often find myself attracted to “characters” people who are complex and interesting and require a lot of self-reflection on my part to not get lost in or repulsed by. I find these humans to be especially beautiful/or repulsive because they are often so unaware of their own complexity and contradictions. (Consider Trump as a character and he is fascinating, consider him as a president and he is repulsive).
Specific parts of self that I am reality testing:
Sense of self as an empath –testing my ability to maintain my sense of self given my desire/nature to be understanding and able to take others perspectives.
Sense of self as living out values –why don’t I put up boundaries that would protect my sense of self/my reality from these folks? Because my values suggest they are worthy, and their perspective is worthy, and that to exclude or push them away would be sinful (some word that means the same).
Sense of self as a person who has experienced rejection: how much of the desire to attend to the wounded, comes from the experience of being wounded? A desire for personal healing through healing others. EG Listen to them because you weren’t listened to.
6) A subtle addition to the last one, is this I am a truth seeker, I am looking to understand and develop a greater perspective. I want to test my own reality (#5), but I also want to learn about and explore all perspectives. Why do I love science, religion, art, psychology? I love learning about myself and the universe. I am not searching for a single truth, but ultimate dimensional truths, and learning from these folks who are so sure of themselves (whether their perspective is that they are victims of the universe, or masters of it) is a perspective that is fascinating. Their perspectives are often an exaggerated sense of what we are all feeling or thinking, and therefor are easy to learn from.
7) Trauma bonding: In most cases, there is both a bond through the trauma that is experienced together (conflict/manipulation/etc), as well as a bond to the trauma that the other person has experienced. When someone shares their deepest hurts, it is impossible to walk away without being impacted and I bring far too much of that into myself.
8) I desire novelty/drama: I have created a very predictable life, and yet, I have a desire for excitement. For me, that includes the internal experiencing of a range of feelings and thoughts that are not provoked by others who I feel less close with, or are more predictable, or are less "interesting."
9) My IMAGO, subconscious attraction to those who reinforce familiar sense of reality (often damaged sense of self). Maybe this should be first and foremost, but the reality is that this pattern of behavior – the other person’s reality mattering more than mine, is a familiar pattern I learned in childhood, and they are simply reinforcing the familiar in a variety of ways by taking up more space, or speaking louder, their thoughts and feelings mattering more, their negative behaviors are excusable while mine are not, their positive behaviors are rewarded while mine are invisible, etc. This isn’t something they do intentionally, and it isn’t something I seek out consciously, but it is true that they are recreating a familiar sense of reality for me. (Likewise, no one in my childhood was trying to create this sense of reality for me, but it took shape nevertheless).
10) Trusting feelings -Closely related to (#9) is the sense of deserving the feeling. Both the highs and the lows. It is an ego and heart issue. In my moments of grandiosity, I believe I deserve the fantasy star-crossed-happy-ever-after moments that feel like the universe is hugging my luckyass self, and in the moments of pain and suffering, I feel I deserve to feel worthless, invisible, guilty, ashamed, and easily rejected. Aren't I damaged goods after all? The external experience is matching the internal experience, and so it feels true. How could it be wrong if it feels true? The reality that is created by the reality shifter makes sense, so why would I question it? -other than the nagging feeling that something is horribly wrong- which if true would mean I have to confront my own damaged sense of self -which is way too vulnerable, so why not gaslight myself into the false reality? So easy to just say to myself -"It feels confusing because you are confused." "It feels hurtful, because you are too wounded and sensitive." both of which are true but not for the reason I am telling myself.
10) Trusting feelings -Closely related to (#9) is the sense of deserving the feeling. Both the highs and the lows. It is an ego and heart issue. In my moments of grandiosity, I believe I deserve the fantasy star-crossed-happy-ever-after moments that feel like the universe is hugging my luckyass self, and in the moments of pain and suffering, I feel I deserve to feel worthless, invisible, guilty, ashamed, and easily rejected. Aren't I damaged goods after all? The external experience is matching the internal experience, and so it feels true. How could it be wrong if it feels true? The reality that is created by the reality shifter makes sense, so why would I question it? -other than the nagging feeling that something is horribly wrong- which if true would mean I have to confront my own damaged sense of self -which is way too vulnerable, so why not gaslight myself into the false reality? So easy to just say to myself -"It feels confusing because you are confused." "It feels hurtful, because you are too wounded and sensitive." both of which are true but not for the reason I am telling myself.
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