Disappointment

I know it is silly, but my horoscope and my tarot reader lady said that I might fall in love today, or begin the journey. I don't think that has happened yet. Maybe in the next 3 hours. Probs not.

What did happen was that I spent a lot of the day listening to the heads of my company lecture, and mostly agreed with them.
What did happen was that I got frustrated with their presumptions and wanting to hear themselves talk.

What did happen was I got my car back and it looks very nice, but I realized doesn't drive as smoothly as the little race car I had as a rent a car.

What did happen was I got to visit Illy's new apartment and see her and R, and that was a fun hour.

And lastly (so far)  what did happen was I had my likely last session of neurofeedback (at least for a while) and went on another rollercoaster. I don't really get the process, how it works, why it works, the program is supposed to operantly condition me back into a place where my brain is working well. But instead half the time I feel dizzy and unsettled. Sometimes I end up feeling nauseous and worry I will throw up. Sometimes I feel excited and happy, and today I went from really excited to sad, and then began to cry in the session. The sequence was something like "wow those are bright colors, this feels good, I am happy, I am excited... oh the song changed, oh I am less happy, oh I feel kind of heavy, oh I'm sad...." -and this is where I said to her, "did something change?" and she responded no, and I said "I'm not as happy. I'm kind of sad now."  "how do I get back to the happiness?" and she said something about how the program was supposed to teach me to bring it back, but instead I stopped listening and then my brain went into shame/sad/grief spiral and though the thoughts weren't fully conscious, it was something along the lines of "you fucked up, you're never gonna be happy again." and within a few minutes, even though i was trying to stop being sad, I couldn't, it just kept hitting me and then I was crying...
She changed the frequency and the sadness disappeared. Suddenly I was laughing at myself, and saying this was too fucked up. 
By the end of the session she got me into a state that I would describe as calm and appreciative. I wasn't happy, or energized. my stomach was tight, but I was able to think clearly and follow the music and appreciate the visuals... and the feelings. It was where I would say I spend the majority of my time trying to get to. Stay calm, stay in control. appreciate, think clearly. I am not excited in that state, I am not happy, but I am content. 

Neurofeedback is weird AF. I recommend it, but I don't think it is for me. I am simply too weirded out by it.