SatCitAnanda

The abundance meditation today (existence, consciousness, bliss). 

It was funny because the activity was to write down the names of people who you feel uncomfortable around sometimes, and I was thinking that that is a ridiculous request when someone has anxiety. 
Everyone?
I've recognized that in my life I feel a lot better when I have a role. I feel more confident and more able to be authentic. Work this week has been a HUGE reminder of this, I am suddenly full of energy and feeling good, grounded, helpful. When I think of discomfort around folks, it's always been the reality that when I can't read someone, don't know what they want from me, or feel like I can't give it in a healthy way, I am uncomfortable. My extended family is a good example. I love them, I want well for them, but I have always felt uncomfortable because I am unsure what the role is. 

With work I am suddenly called upon to be reassuring, to be validating, to challenge but not shame, to reduce tension or increase it in a positive way. I can do that. I leave work and find myself doing it for myself. I can acknowledge my discomfort, my anxiety and work through it. It is a challenge, a healthy one. I can acknowledge my mistakes, my ugliness, the life time of work I will need to do on myself, and it all feels good. I am adapting the mindset I have in the role, and it feels reassuring, healthy, authentic. 

I think back on the relationship with M, and most of my romantic relationships if I am being honest, and see how it was the role of care taking that made me feel energized, and also that left me insecure. What about when they don't need me? What about when I can't give to them? What about when I need them? It's not a great role for relationships, it sets me up for failure. 

I got home last night in a positive mood. I'd done good work, I'd gone for a walk, I'd eaten a healthy dinner. Suddenly it hit me that I would be relatively isolated for the weekend. I had some work to do and a few activities, but mostly I would be alone with my own stuff. My interests and hobbies. My thoughts and feelings. I suddenly felt tired. Maybe it was the carbs. Maybe it was the loneliness. 

I woke up feeling the same. I've talked myself out the funk part. Went for a walk. Had tele therapy. Ate some good food.  Exercised. Meditated. Did some writing. Planned a bit. 

But again, there is still something missing from my life. No judgements. Just a truth. 

So I am experiencing a lot of bliss, and the familiar loneliness of not having someone to share it with.

The meditation for today suggested reframing the speed at which miracles can happen when you call on the universe. "I use my conscious intention to manifest my dreams."  
This is a tricky one for me to believe in, but doesn't hurt to throw it out there. Universe, please send me a conscious partner I can share my life with. Thanks!

There is a degree to which all of this feels a little full of myself -its that thing of not being ok with being happy. There must be something wrong, right? OR  Don't be so full of yourself, you're talking too much about yourself. But with the role, it's easy to just use the positivity to assure others. I believe in you. I believe that these self defeating patterns you've gotten yourself into will resolve, I believe you are capable and good, I believe you will work through stuff and grow. I believe you will add something special to the universe, I believe it because I am experiencing it with you, and I thank you for the gift!  (it's easier with young folks). 

 I am glad to be enjoying life and people, and work and all the things. Need more positive abundant people in my life who want to vibe with me, laugh with me, be curious, etc. 

Also, I am way more touchy than people realize, I've been trying to come to terms with my sex drive again, and my need for physical intimacy... I need more positive touch in my life and have no idea how to do that in a healthy way.   I don't want to spend my whole life being ashamed of my desires, my wants and needs. Likely I need a super monogamous partner with a high sex/touch drive. That would be sooooo reassuring.