Riding the waves

It is wednesday my dudes.

I took a 2.5 hour nap. I probably shouldn't have, but it won't hurt anything. In the Covid 19 America, there are very few consequences because there are very few expectations.

Self and others
I am feeling good.
The abundance meditations are silly, but helpful to stay on track. A little reminder each day that the universe is not my ego, and that both the universe and my true self are much larger than the limits I set on them.

People have been reaching out to me. I don't think I have been doing a good enough job of telling them how much that makes me feel better about my self and the universe. Yesterday, Lex reached out and said Hi, and that alone made my day. I was thinking that the impact of a traumatic relationship can really bog a person down, -the fact that M seems to have totally rejected me without explanation after a year and a half relationship has really impacted my sense of self, but I think the subtle message I took from chatting with another ex, reminded me that there is always hope with time. People are people, they are basically good, they just need time to figure stuff out.  I need that too. These last few months were a good time for me to delve into things and reconfigure and get back to myself. And I am now feeling a lot better than I had been. But in the end even if we wish it was just about the way we see ourselves, we are an interpersonal species -reminds me of that poem.

"I am pleasant, positive,
all connections aside.
I am driven, good and confident
none from you derived.

Yet I find myself striving,
wondering what you would like,
and it almost feels right
it almost feels right."

Gotta find the balance I guess.

Work

Work has basically made me an outpatient therapist to the 6 kids and their families on my case load -which is the exact same thing I was doing before only now I can use a computer or have them meet me at the office. 

We are allowed to do 2 individual sessions and 1 family session per week. Only half the families have expressed any interest. 

I have been trying to stay active. Today I laminated handouts. Today I interviewed one of my coworkers. I would have preferred it be a one to one. But I learned a lot about her, and I am hoping to get to know the others if they are willing to give me the time. Its kind of like - just at the moment it was starting to feel overwhelming, suddenly the brakes were put on the whole operation and now I have a ton of time to breathe and go slow. I don't want to fuck up, but I also feel more than capable of what I am being asked to do in the immediate. What I don't have is the money to decorate my office right now -credit card debt is adding up. Next months rent is coming out of my first pay check. 

I was thinking one to ones, or a teach back would be a great team building thing. One of my coworkers is on vacation. One is going on maternity leave in a month. One is struggling with fear of the virus. The others are coming in and out of the office at their leisure and trying to find meaningful work. 

I am a little concerned that coming in 6 months into some of these cases is a set back for families, but I am also optimistic that I can build rapport quick and try to move forward. I am not a miracle worker. Teens are going to be teens, I enjoy teens though so it's kind of fun. Their attitude doesn't usually offend me, I just feign that it does. I have all the hopes and dreams for them. 

World

I've been wrestling with the idea of writing up a blog style post on why this whole thing isn't terrifying to me. I think the majority of it is just that I am flipping things to look at the potential bright sides, EG even republicans are considering socialistic policies to combat the potential negative impacts on the economy (the people!). OR as I said in the last post, this pandemic doesn't surprise me. Is it a life time of overthinking the possibilities that has prepped me? Is it the cynicism that says "we deserve this outcome until we choose better choices?"  Is it just looking around and noticing that people are keeping their distance, but still looking out for each other?  Or maybe this feels exactly like how I normally feel -meaning that right now the level of panic and fear that people are openly demonstrating seems to be an accurate expression of how much we should be panicking (only about other things, like climate change). 

The cynic in me reads that 2-4 million US citizens -mostly over the age of 70 would die, and part of me thinks 'well that would help cut down on the pollution and climate decay just a touch. It would be a wealth redistribution so that their kids could pay off their mortgages, or grandkids could pay off student loans.'  

Similarly the reduction in the economy, might make it apparent how unnatural our lifestyles are, and how dependent we are on buying 'stuff' to keep afloat, while we could be doing a better job of redistributing goods and services without the added 'stuff.'

I don't know what the situation is elsewhere. I imagine people in different places are acting all sorts of ways. 

What I hear is that the teens are all at home playing on their phones and driving their parents crazy... (normal). We could have organized them into making meals and distributing food to folks who don't have it. Or doing yard work for folks who can't leave their houses. Or planting gardens to create a more sustainable future. We use to call middle-late stage adolescents off to war, now we send them to their rooms to play video games (my generation too). Why not a conservation corp?  Why not a community health corp?  Why not a day-care corp?  Why not a wilderness survival camp?  Take 50 teens out to the woods and they won't get covid 19, and they will get to know themselves... as humans, it should be apparent to all of us by now that WE are our primary resource, we really ought to do a better job at recognizing human needs and our potential to create a better world.