This reminds me

I remember when we were in high school, I thought you were beautiful, dancing naked in that thunderstorm. –Haven’t I written this before?

           

In psychoanalysis, there is an idea that a person will play out their maladaptive relationship patterns within the therapeutic relationship, that is, they will reveal their unconscious conflicts, their underlying issues. In the therapeutic setting then, the therapist is expected to remain separate but attuned, able to recognize, draw out and guide the person into a different psychological pattern, perhaps to prolong it until they see, perhaps to question it until they understand, to enact it until they can break the pattern once and for all. The theory goes, that if the analyst doesn’t catch it the first time, it will surely repeat, it always repeats. The cognitive-behaviorists say the same, but call it all by different names. As do the transpersonalists, inspired by the Buddhists, Jains and Hindus.

Samsara

The spinning world, the wandering path, the burden of suffering, the cycle.

“Isn’t this where we came in?”

            Have I not been here before?

This path feels so familiar.

            This reminds me of high school.

This feeling, is of the last time,                        and of the next time,    I’m sure.

This is   -was             -will be            -again,  

            Dizzily I plea, holding tight to my seat,

Let me off the spinning wheel!

But your face reminds me of a beloved friend, not so much physically, just the presence. And so, I reach out to her, and you, assuming the similarity must mean something true. You have a new name, but your voice reminds me of another love, and I am sure it’s the same oxytocin in my arteries. Your story reminds me too, and so I continue to reach, as I do, as I have, as I will.

I write a new poem, and find it suffuses into an old one, the next stanza, so you must be my next verse, next chapter, next friend or lover. But I could have sworn I dreamed you, have known you, have met before. And it must be so, because this is all too familiar. This behavior. This pattern. Isn’t this the same old story…

Karma brought us here. I know the rhythm in my veins, what did I do last time that brought me more of the same? What should I do this time to fulfill my dharma, or to cast it aside and become enlightened? To heal the wound in this unconscious conflict? To address the issue of my attachment?  

Yet again, I’m called to your side with a quick plea and a grin, dopamine drips, my mind splits from the grounded path, drifting, scattered, some part of me always wanted to learn to be care free, to float towards the heavenly, some part of me has always wondered why I cling to the dirt, claw for its regulations, moral anchors, dense and dull. I see them now my grasping hands, my rigid stance, even as my heart drifts toward the intoxicating scent, the fantasy flight, enamored and clambering, where am I again? And this is how I am split open, a heart butterflied, a soul crucified in its place, struck bridging the divide, I realize I’m tantalused again.

I’ve been here before, haven’t I?

I always sooth myself with Gibran’s declaration that the lute must be hallowed with a knife. oh, I listen to your song, tantalized, oh, I wait on each word, eye wink, hand caress, drawn breath and smirk. oh, These are the instruments playing, and I love a crescendo as much as the silence between the plucked notes, oh, those strummed chords, oh, I know this, its clenched ache, its longing to release, you’re playing my heart song, again, oh om.

Was it not Judas, who, with such noxious lips, embraced the lord, condemning himself, and yet saving the world? Not knowing the part that he played, he saw only the vicious cycle of his attachment repeating, the betrayal of himself again and again, this unconscious wound split open and un-mended -and by his dharmic suffering sanctioned the miraculous.

Chained to the wheel of longing and sorrow, focus on one point to dispel the dizziness, proclaim it beautiful, raise up the pedestal so that from any position in the spin, you can still proclaim your devotion to the idol -and even if it’s a new love* tomorrow, worry not, the familiarity will follow.

I’ve come to expect the hurt, ever enticed by the sirens’ pull, as Goldmund had to find out, despite logical Narcissus’ warning. And between the suns and moons, that set me spinning, I meditate, learn to discern between stories, practice crafted words, taming my tongue to sing others songs so that I can stay anchored while they enact them again and again. Watching the river flow to the sea, drift up into the sky, collect, and crash again.  

But I remember, as the world and you spun, your arms outstretched, the flashing terrible, and glistening and cold - so vulnerable in your need, so giving in your desire, you pressed your tongue into my mouth, and ground your soaking skin onto mine, and for a moment I thought, this feels right, so beautiful and human, so familiar.

Well that hasn't happened in a while

I am totally going to regret this post at some point.
I have a crush, like a legitimate one, and its on another person who is totally unavailable and probably doesn't like me like that, but she has been really friendly to me. So, it feels good sometimes. And also horrible sometimes.
And in general I know this is setting myself up for disappointment because when I say she is unavailable, I mean it. But I've been trying to remind myself to use that energy, that feeling like things are possible to look around and see the world with that new light. Like maybe things are possible even in the dark.
She reminds me of other friends. Of people I miss because they are far away or too involved in their own lives. And it reminds me that I am capable of loving, that in fact I do love quite a lot of people, that they warm me still even though I sometimes forget.
It's funny how things like this happen. I met this person several months ago and knew from the first time that I wanted to be around her more, but as we've come to develop a few routines, started texting occasionally, hung out once, it became a reality I couldn't not admit to myself, because I was talking to her in my head all the time. And again, she is totally unavailable; like not a single possibility. But she lights up a bit sometimes when I am around, when other people are around too, but its nice to have someone spread a little of their love in my direction. And I can learn a lot from her, usually do... so why not enjoy the friendship? even if I know its a little hard sometimes. Even if I know it isn't a possibility. Even if I know at some point she will say something or I will, and it will be over forever, because at this point we barely know each other and there are so many differences easily recognized even at this distance, that to get too close surely means catching fire and burning the whole thing up. But again, why not enjoy the moment, why not enjoy the look in people's eyes, and acknowledge their smiles and just be comfy being confided in? Share a joke now and then? Flirt a little, because its safe, for her at least right? And I need a little warmth now and then.

OOOH I didn't even write a new years post this year? 
So out of the habit huh.

Thursday night I had a sudden tail spin, felt a bit foggy, felt a bit off my game, a little more irritable though I think I handled it well enough. Friday, I went to breakfast with Mel, and things were ok but I felt like I couldn't wake up entirely. Later in the day I continued to get more irritable and felt more and more hopeless. I knew the headache had something to do with it, the weather, the lack of sun, but the symptoms of depression are so amazing, how they swoop in and replace things so easily: 
I'm lonely. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling incapable of completing my goals. I'm aware that I have a lot on my plate, but I can't quite discern what it is. I am feeling left out even as people reach out to me. I am feeling unloveable even as they voice their concerns. I am worried about the future, the next week, the next month, six months, a year, and in that worry I can imagine a lifetime of failure, of incompletes, of isolation and irritation, so easily. 
I try to treat myself the same way I would treat a client, biology, behaviors, social life, thoughts, spirit. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you getting enough to eat? Are you getting the caffeine fix you need? Are you getting enough exercise? The sun? Are you breathing? Are you being mindful? Are you checking in with friends? When you check in, is it meaningful, are you sharing enough? Are you asking for what you need? Are you taking time for yourself -to recharge? Hobbies? Meeting goals? What are you overwhelmed about? What evidence is there? What feedback are you getting? What would you like to hear? What are you telling yourself? What does that mean? What does it mean over the long run? What changes can you make now? What changes can you make over the long run? What do you need to do so? 
I am in school and it feels like life is on hold. I make some new friends, but it cannot lead anywhere. What does it mean to old friends, is this a betrayal? Some of these new friends remind me of old friends, what does that mean? Who do you want in your life Mike?  Am I grateful enough? Am I giving too much? I return to the idea of doing homework and it feels abysmal and distant to everything that makes sense. But to do what I want, I have to jump through the hoops. Is this what I want? What do I want? I need a therapist, I need to be touched, I need reassurance from someone who can actually give me the love and support I crave. I feel incapable of getting those things right now... can't even set an appointment for a massage the next day -it's too far away. 
This entire conversation takes place over days, but feels like the thoughts and questions and concerns are jammed on top of each other, one thing -means the world, I need to unpack them, slowly, filter through, what is real, what do I want to be real? I feel like I am never enough. What does that mean in the short term, in the long run? What does it mean to want to run away, to move to Argentina to drop the facade of helping, of being useful to others, of being disconnected... Because I am aware that that is what happens -I take time for myself and become lost. I take time for others and become lost. There is no balance here, no assurance, no reassurance. 
And suddenly, much like my clients, I wonder if this means I am dying. Some cancer creeping up my insides, some limitation I hadn't yet conceived of, to place the lid on my desires, my grand schemes. Or maybe subconsciously I am looking for a means to convey my inabilities, a word to express my ineptitude, a scapegoat, a reason, a name, a something to point at -and just say "it isn't me -not wanting to be, but I haven't been given a choice, it's bob's fault." And who is Diane in that situation? (a joke from rory scovel). 
I pick up the next day, a little more determined, but also still hesitant, aware of the ache in my stomach, my knee, my mind, awareness is a demon sometimes. But maybe it's just the cold front storming, a lack of sleep, a lack of caffeine, not enough time to contemplate the reasons. Maybe you should plan ahead. A massage once a month. Maybe you should find a therapist. Maybe you should jump into that assignment you've been putting off. Maybe contemplation is overrated? But I start to feel a bit better assigning it to paper. This isn't me after all, this is a commotion caused by the unrequited. A collection of the neglected. A compendium of little worries trying to compile themselves into complexity.  Time for some cognitive restructuring. 

Monday and out of the habit

This weekend was good, I spent some time tabling for the internship on Friday, then did some homework and saw Alicia. We went to see a movie and caught up a bit. She is really trying to make some changes in her life after feeling trapped in a cycle for far too long. Its pretty inspiring.
Saturday I did some homework, I walked lake of the isles, I took a nap. Sunday I did some homework, I saw Illy, I spent far too long relaxing and watching youtube in bed. The assignments were fairly easy and didn't require much reflection. I spent too much time worrying, and too much time dreaming. The days are short and I spend half hiding in my bed. Maybe it is the push pull.

I have an easier week this week. Tuesday and Wednesday are full but the others each have just a few things. One big assignment due this weekend but requires group work. Some readings I would like to do. A mnspec event on Sunday -it would be nice to attend.
Next week I suppose I will get another little break.
Wed-weekend should be lots of homework time.
Each of my classes has a few more big assignments. I am sort of anxious about them as my investment in the work seems to be waning. The little assignments are fairly meaningless, but at least they are simple applications. The longer assignments that require thought, creativity or reflection are a little more difficult. Sometimes it is just the amount of hours. So many hours.

I am unsure if I should be satisfied or worried by life right now. I am not working, but it is hard for me to imagine working and being able to stay involved in the things I am doing. I am looking forward to winter break, hoping to be able to pick up a few more hours at WICC but also see people, do some creative stuff, maybe some spiritual stuff. 

I have abandoned my friends -at least the ones not involved in the current things. Its hard to make room when I am working most nights and in class or doing homework on the weekends.

It is hard to imagine fitting someone new in, but I still feel like I am missing out on a huge part of life. That being said, I don't have a crush on anyone. I have people I find attractive. Folks I enjoy spending time with. But no one that I feel especially called to. When Jesse messages me in the middle of the night I get excited, but I don't have any belief that it means anything. I'm still hung up on old loves? I look around and see some folks who make it seem easy. I look around and see a lot of folks in broken relationships. I look around and see a lot of lonely folks- who I am unfortunately not interested in. The independence breeds a stronger desire for independence, a set in the ways, all my ways in a set.  Maybe I need to leave this place again. 

Friends will leave, thats a given. I've been reflecting a lot on my commitments to people since Krystin  passed. What is it I am able to do. Why is it I feel obliged to do more. Why feel guilty or ashamed since I can't.  I've been thinking a lot about the ways I've tried to repay my debts, rather than ask for reconciliation or forgiveness. How with some people I grew angry, and rather than confront them I withdrew because I didn't feel convinced that it was my place to say, and didn't want to pay the price of walking them through it. Did they do that for me? Did they hold my hand through a lesson? Did I allow them to. Or with the ones that I have hurt, would it hurt them more to acknowledge or should I walk away so they don't have to be afraid? And if that costs me some price, is it deserved? my fate? 
And of karma? should I dislodge this burden or continue to bear it, find myself chained again in the next life.

It is hard to invest in this world right now. Easy to invest in the simple things, the daily connection at work, the occasional kind word, the spare dollar for a tip. But this world seems so lost, so corrupt, so bitter. I don't want to live that way. I want to push back. But the effort is so great. 

I keep getting distracted. Woke up too late. Curious about all the flashy new paint. Drawn and quartered that way 

After two full days of class, I am pretty exhausted. Ready for a break, a return to the other part of my life. A weird desire for there to be more of that, the counseling, because at least there I have the chance to make a difference.

Classes are going ok. I still wonder how people perceive me. I wonder if I seem standoffish, if it obvious that I am not impressed by most people. If I come off as a know it all, who can't put sentences together in the moment.
We do exercises in class, brainstorming activities, or role-plays, or little activities and sometimes we don't participate because we are bored, or aren't sure how to start, and other times we impress the Profs who treat us like we are not their equals... and that is the problem I think.
Their perspective is all off... maybe they will transition, maybe this is the first few weeks and then they will step back, but I question every move. I am vocal about it too. I risk pissing them off, and I don't like to piss people off, but if this year ends up feeling like last year I will be angry. And they should know why.

The rest of life? yeah right.

Nostalgia and love and forgiveness and loneliness

Its been rainy and gray out, so naturally I've gotten a little nostalgic- a little lonely. Last night I was listening to old music from years ago, rereading blogs looking for something of value. I was hit by these memories not necessarily of being with the people I've loved, but of thinking about them -constantly. Of letting my world be guided, or adjusted to someone else's pull.

Its funny how they call to me. I have nothing to share, nothing new, but I want to hear about their day, want to hear their voice, want them around. And of course, I want love and affection and partnership, even when I don't think they are the right people, I still recognize that they were once capable of making me feel like it was possible -so having their friendship is the next best thing and I desire it. 

And I do want something new of course, want to invest but also be invested in. Still I think its funny how right now I am not dwelling on the last time, or the done me wrong, or the fact that they are already taken, or the worries... I just want their attention, their time of day. Though I have nothing to say. 

I wonder what life would be like without Facebook, without the reminder that they exist, out there having fun, pushing through life, loving someone else. It's like that thing where you know being Amish would be better for you in the long run, but you choose Facebook -a semi knowledgeable separation over nothing. 

I don't think it helps that I have no crushes. A friend recently had to get over one, someone with chemistry, which makes it worse, because chemistry feels like the universe's way of saying this matters, your pull is real. But it wasn't, every time they hung out, she was disappointed, until eventually/inevitably giving up, but of course that doesn't keep you from longing (as I know years later)...

I will probably have one of those dreams tonight. Funny thing is, I'd welcome it, any little connection. 

This week has sucked

Las Ramblas

There are a few places on earth, I've always thought were magical,
Where the spirit of the place seemed to overwhelm the physical space so much that the laws of science and cynicism weren't needed, and didn't have to apply.

The adventure through the streets was so real, that you could feel the demons and the angels resting on your shoulders, clawing and soothing - as they pointed out the choices, undermined the patterns, animated the very stones, and nurtured your path forward- so that though not fated, felt perfectly predestined, as if the universe had prepared (all this time) to greet you.

The muses meet you there,
And until you feel them latch on and compel you to be- you don't recognize how perfectly meaningless reality had once seemed. 

And as you inhale the vapors rising from the street, your corneas flex just right in the midday sun, revealing every color in existence, and the perfectly sculpted comes to life, smiling just right -she waves you forward, and another plays the rhythm of your heartsong echoing off the old stone walls, and suddenly you are crying, suddenly beaming because you can't help but choose hope, can't recognize anything but the beauty of humanity and of creation. 
-that's what it means to wish a street would never end.

Between the Charlottesville thing, the terrorist attack in Barcelona, and a whole bunch of people's personal issues... it’s been a tough week. I've gotten to check in with lots of good people, that’s been great. But today I was sort of overwhelmed by the idea that this place I've always considered magical was the site of a tragedy. At noon while I was eating lunch with my brother they had it on the news, blood and broken bodies all over the street. It just felt like the perfect example of what so many things have felt like lately... that despite all the potential for good in the world, we have chosen the opposite. The good things are tarnished, we are going backward, the magic is gone. 

It’s hard to understand, you just can’t wrap your head around it, and it is easy to point the finger at one person (Trump for instance), but as a society we’ve chosen this. People talk about the weather or the stars aligning in the wrong way, it’s comforting to think that maybe this is all out of our hands, this is a context we can’t push back against, it is the way things are… but I don’t believe that. This is what happens when good people don’t plan ahead. Yesterday I had a migraine. I woke up too late, had the fan on high, wasn’t taking care of myself as best I could –but at a certain point in the evening as the storm/tornado built, I just couldn’t handle anything. I went home and hid under the sheet and hoped the meds would kick in. This is what we are all doing now…

I’m sort of scared to jump in, it feels like seeing the tsunami approaching and heading for it rather than away.

I haven’t been able to write or edit the last few days… just can’t make progress on the section where the world falls apart. Its too cheesy, too dramatic... it doesn't feel at all like what is actually happening.