Its been rainy and gray out, so naturally I've gotten a little nostalgic- a little lonely. Last night I was listening to old music from years ago, rereading blogs looking for something of value. I was hit by these memories not necessarily of being with the people I've loved, but of thinking about them -constantly. Of letting my world be guided, or adjusted to someone else's pull.
Its funny how they call to me. I have nothing to share, nothing new, but I want to hear about their day, want to hear their voice, want them around. And of course, I want love and affection and partnership, even when I don't think they are the right people, I still recognize that they were once capable of making me feel like it was possible -so having their friendship is the next best thing and I desire it.
And I do want something new of course, want to invest but also be invested in. Still I think its funny how right now I am not dwelling on the last time, or the done me wrong, or the fact that they are already taken, or the worries... I just want their attention, their time of day. Though I have nothing to say.
I wonder what life would be like without Facebook, without the reminder that they exist, out there having fun, pushing through life, loving someone else. It's like that thing where you know being Amish would be better for you in the long run, but you choose Facebook -a semi knowledgeable separation over nothing.
I don't think it helps that I have no crushes. A friend recently had to get over one, someone with chemistry, which makes it worse, because chemistry feels like the universe's way of saying this matters, your pull is real. But it wasn't, every time they hung out, she was disappointed, until eventually/inevitably giving up, but of course that doesn't keep you from longing (as I know years later)...
I will probably have one of those dreams tonight. Funny thing is, I'd welcome it, any little connection.
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