that other thing

 Death and suicide

Some of my students deal with suicidal ideation routinely, week after week they struggle. Some attempt. Some ask for help. Some try very hard, and still it persists. It is one of the trickiest and scariest part of the job. I've been watching some videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3qBxgilmVk 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApccemGnh78

A lack of creativity, of imagination for what could go better. An alternative where life isn't as much of a struggle. I feel that. 

The pandemic exacerbates, it is a system wide external metaphor for the thing going on inside. What if things can't get better right now? Does that eliminate all possibilities forever? Does living through it, make it more or less bearable, depends on your imagination. 

I often think about the question of medical response to a cancer diagnosis. Would I? This weekend, the answer feels like a no. A year ago? probably a no. 2 years ago? probably a yes. The year before that? I don't remember. It's not that anything is particularly wrong or bad. It's just, that I feel like I give more than get, I am depleted. And I don't know how to change that. I am not even in a bad mood, I am feeling relatively good... feeling energized... but for what? So that I can give more? 

What leads to this lack of imagining a better possibility? The strain of existing without remedy of the burden?  I often have to remind my students that labeling a whole day with a mood, is too much weight to give it. I was sad that day... no you were sad for part of that day, and gave it all the weight of the world. Throughout my days, my weeks, I have moments of connectedness, of meaning, of sincere awe and joy. And I also have downtimes, loneliness, doubt, guilt and shame, fear, worry, and meaninglessness. The weight of meaning is another thing I often have to check with students about, does your suffering have meaning? Can you give it some? 

The pandemic for instance -those who buckle down have to remind themselves their sacrifice is for the greater good, not just pain. 

I am feeling lonely, but I struggle to imagine that connecting with folks would bring an end to that feeling, or would bring meaning to my existence. The connections seem paper thin in their impermanence.  I am seeing all things as impermanent, and wishing to attach very little. 

I was just walking around the lake with my Dad, we were talking about our family's disconnectedness. 

I am looking forward to a dark isolated winter. Not sure what to do about that. The last couple of weeks I started to feel more hopeful, but nothing really changed. Just perspective, and the energy shifts do make a hell of a difference. But it doesn't necessarily make life better...kna mean?

I read a quote the other day about how the hardest relationship is the healthy one after a toxic one. 

Boredom, routine and novelty

I was thinking that I am too routine... I don't go out of my way to create new experiences. I kind of do the same old thing, so there are no stories. I went to bed early last night because I was bored. I didn't read or write, or finish the paintings, or use the clay my mom bought me. 

Maybe the technology makes it harder. Too much artificial dopamine brought on by drama and what not on the computer... so I have no interest in real life, or creating my own stuff. But then also, I have no one to share it with, or experience it with. So what's the point?

Creativity for yourself is hard to maintain. 

This is more depressing than it should be. 

I am gonna go watch clips of 90 day fiancé because Jesse told me about it, and now I am struck by the drama.