Frankl

 Reading man's search for meaning (I know, I should have read it by now). 

Finally getting to the sections on logotherapy, which I think I practice even though I haven't read all that much about it (just excerpts). I think my conceptualization of people is so inline with his theory that when I see people getting trapped in other stuff it really bums me out. Like defense mechanisms and addictions, depression, anxiety etc. It is why I feel very annoyed with our culture all the time which doesn't emphasize meaning other than what can be bought and sold, humans as meaningless. Productivity rather than responsible growth. And yes, I get very much caught up in my own bullshit too, and that is why it bothers me so much. 

I was thinking though, that I am more in line with his hypothesis that it is existential dynamics, a search for how to live in a meaningful way, rather than just simply anxiety. I want to take responsibility and make good choices with the life I have been given, and I am not always sure what to choose -thats where my anxiety comes from. But his reframing is helpful, not me getting stuck asking what is the meaning of life, but life asking what meaning I will make of it. Flipping the viewpoint. Saying that life has given me a set of circumstances and I am unique in my ability to respond -this goes hand and hand with that spiritual concept of a soul contract. You are here for a reason, don't question the framework, respond to it. Sort of the act wisely and then feel/think about it. Rather than the dig yourself a feeling/thinking hole and then try to choose. 

When I think of the things I am proud of, it is because I felt inline with the signals of the universe, felt that I was fulfilling my meaning. When I think of the things that bring me shame, it is usually because I veered from that path. The relationships that hurt, however, are the places where I am still in tension... what if my purpose is taken advantage of? I should feel proud of giving... but I don't, I feel wounded. I feel despair over the losses, and great worry about the other person not fulfilling their own purpose. 

In fact, sometimes I worry that some of us have the purpose to disrupt. To be the "bad guy." in people's lives, specifically to challenge. In some ways that thought gives me some contentedness, a rationalization of an unfortunate situation.  The homeless beggar. The disabled person. The bully. The tyrant. Maybe they are there to support our purposes, challenge us in our growth, the same way that children challenge parents to grow.  Or maybe that is just a rationalization, the same as the colonizer or slave owner or prison guard justifies their purpose. 

Is it power, meaning, survival?  who knows. 

Some things fuel me, others cause me to feel stuck.  

More thoughts another time. The sun is setting and I have a need of blankets.