On the way to Minneopa State Park, Rachel said she found it curious that I was so anxious about being around people. She said people like me, delight in my awkwardness. In my head I was full of excuses for why that isn't true. My loneliness being first and foremost, but only gave examples of food, and how inside I lose steam quick and have to leave social gatherings. It was interesting though. A check in. Maybe the stories I tell myself are all wrong. Maybe I have chosen to remove myself from people and they have all wanted me back. It just doesn't feel that way.
I have to remind myself of what I am grateful for.
The other night I went to thanksgiving. I'd spent the day feeling lonely, or rather feeling like I was missing someone critical. I was replaying all the arguments. It didn't help that it was such a gray dreary day.
But when I got to my Dad's house, it was warm and inviting. They made a fire because I told them it'd be good to be outside. I wore my mask. No one else did. We played the same old games -the ones I used to protest in self righteousness. They used derogatory language, and people drank. But it wasn't horrible. It was nice. It was nice to be included, even if I was holding my tongue from the potential arguments. Even if my siblings don't really know what I do with my life. It was nice to have food and desserts I could count on. It was nice to be part of something.
We went to the State park today. Probably something I wouldn't do on my own, or even invite someone to do, though I should! because I always have a good time exploring. Sure it was a bit of a long drive. But it was a good time. I need to get out of my way more often and just say Yes to things.
Then I got home and didn't know what to do with myself. I took a nap. I woke up and still didn't know what to do. Finish a book? a painting? use some of the clay your mom bought you? Do the work you brought home -that you should have finished? no, of course not. Nothing appealed.
I played a computer game more out of habit than desire, and then watched some youtube. I am set in my ways. I am stagnant.
It was around 12:30 AM, and for some reason i just had to search, twitter, instagram, the Washburn website and then back to facebook. She doesn't work there anymore. Is she a stay at home mom to 5 kids? yes 5. They have officially moved in together, seem to have bought a place together. Each picture or story leaves my chest with this weird warm shaking feeling. It's a mix of nausea and anger and envy and rejection and sadness. They have the life I envisioned for us. All my little worries seem to have come true. And when I stop to ask myself why she doesn't deserve that, I can only come up with because she hurt me. I don't know all these angry things I say in my head to be true after all, I only know that the way she treated me was shitty. Maybe she isn't the person she was around me. Maybe lying to me has that effect and she really did change her ways with the right person? Or maybe it's more of a matter of time.
But I am left with this weird shaking feeling. This desire to disconnect while I am still so ridiculously envious. And of what? of being jealous and insecure all the time? Of worrying I am not good enough because she doesn't invest in me?
None of this is what I want... so why does it bother me so much to think of her having that life?
I look around my crowded lonely apartment. It's cuz I don't know what is next, don't have a dream to fulfill, or work towards.
I am back to the place I was at before my trip to Latin America. I have a handful of friends I can call... but it doesn't mean as much as I wish it did. I have a fulfilling job, but it is draining. I have a church I could attend once quarantine lifts. But I am directionless.
The book I wanted to write seems less meaningful than it did, because I have lost hope. I am cynical in my political beliefs and don't really give much. I am wary of the direction the world is going. Everything seems to paint the picture of the disasters that are predicted.
I work my ass off, and see the results in some kids. Genuine growth. And in others... I don't know. I was listening to Brene Brown talk about how important it is to look at kids without shame, to just assure them they are lovable and worthwhile. Thats how I look at my students. I give them that experience over and over and over, and only question why they fight against it. I can't imagine any of them ever doing anything that would make he hate them. I can't really imagine hating anyone I've ever met in real life, only the politicians and oligarchs at a distance.
But I am also spending a lot of time lately fantasizing about dying. It's not suicidal ideation. It's this idea that at some point I'll just not care enough to keep going, and the issue is that I don't have any counter weight anymore to balance the thought. It's the if I get cancer or covid... does it matter question. It's the tried for 37 years, feels like 90, why then am I...
Rachel finds it astounding that I don't understand people like me. I understand they appreciate me, but the kind of love I want doesn't seem possible these days. I have lost hope again.
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