Of course because I was feeling good all afternoon I had to give myself a test.
I was reviewing the emails and texts of the breakup with M. One of the things that bothered me so much at the time was that it felt like a missed opportunity, it felt like she was saying over and over "if only..." while I was saying "but I am willing, and you said no." It was this weird mindfuck that left me feeling more and more frustrated, anxious and ashamed. The longer it went on, the more it felt like she was projecting on me. She would say "You weren't willing to talk" while writing brief emails, while I was more than willing to talk and she was saying "I don't want to process with you." She was saying "I couldn't manage your anxiety and balance." While routinely saying she was dealing with boundary issues in her own life -that I had nothing to do with, and that was the reason she couldn't say more. She was saying "you gave up, you left." when she was the one who broke up with me. The gaslighting, which I only could recognize at the time as her "trying to make a meaning of the situation." left me questioning my own reality. The reality I experienced was that she was running away when things got tough, that she wasn't communicating. But the story she made was that -I did that (as did her ex, and ex before that who I now recognize were probably being gaslit as well).
It left me angry, and still does in a way that it is hard to describe. It feels like someone isn't willing to take responsibility for their own shit, but it's someone you love, so you want to give them every opportunity to do it, and no matter how many times you offer the option... they choose not to, leaving you heart broken again and again.
She said, "You don't believe that you are enough." and I agree. I didn't believe in myself, because when I called her out on what I was experiencing, she denied my experience. Denied that she was flirting. Denied that she was pulling away. Denied that she was ignoring my feelings. Denied that I loved her despite my willingness to demonstrate it. I was told over and over that my experience was inaccurate, while she was doing the thing she would say she wasn't doing. So I questioned myself. I still do.
I read these emails and say "if only I had worded this sentence better, maybe..." and it's like... "dude, she was probably already dating the next guy." (something she denied) There was nothing I could have done better. If a person doesn't love you, they don't love you. If they are scared of working through things with you. If they aren't willing to work it out, no matter how much you give, they aren't your person. She wasn't my person.
When I was in college, my college therapist (very brief) said that to me"Becky didn't leave you because of porn, she left you because she doesn't love you enough to be with you."
Done. Fuck the feeling of love, is the person willing to act? I have broken up with a few friends and a few lovers. I wasn't willing to act, even though I loved them. Even though I was ashamed of leaving them. I wasn't willing to act in love. It wasn't because I hated them. It wasn't because I disliked them in anyway. It was because I couldn't see myself continuing to love them by being with them.
Becky and M (and many others in my life), didn't love me enough to be with me.
This is what I have to work with. It's the suffering that I have experienced, and will experience, until I can learn from it. It doesn't mean they hate me, wish to hurt me, dislike me in any way. It means they couldn't seem themselves continuing to love me if they stayed. So they left. Good for them.
Same with my parents divorce (minus the affair which this whole thing triggers in me).
I have been trying to regain my sense of self ever since. I go through waves, just like I did before I was with her. I go through waves in life. But making meaning of an experience of suffering that doesn't feel like it has to happen just sucks. She could have said "Mike, you're right I am falling for this dude at my work. I am sorry, it's not your fault, I just see myself doing better with him." And I could have said "but what about..." and she would have said "Yeah, thank you for that. Again, this isn't about you. I am making this choice for me." And I could have been angry and hurt, and rejected, but I wouldn't have spent all that time wondering ...if I just say it this way, maybe she'll finally hear my heart, or if I just behave differently. Because I would have recognized, oh she isn't interested in my heart. There is no "winning" except to move on. Questioning isn't the point anymore.
But it has been for me... questioning what I did, and how I could have, and what went wrong... has been the search for meaning, and made the meaning in itself. It gave me new drama to review. A new function to get through the day. I began a relationship with our breakup, instead of a new relationship. Not that I have anyone in mind. But that's what it has been. That's what my brain does, creates relationships where they don't exist. I've been in love with the drama, been in conflict with it because I was bored and wasn't sure what else to do.
I think I know that the meaning of these mistakes is that I can't enter into a caretaking relationship if I want it to last. I think I have gained a lot of knowledge of how hard it is to work with people who won't accept reality... and it has served me well in work. But I haven't put it into action in relationships yet... and so the meaning of the suffering hasn't gotten to be fully tested. I haven't moved forward -I am still trying to figure out how. Even though I know 50 millions ways, none of them seem right.
So I stay in this relationship with my hurt and anger, my envy and the grief I have over this ghost.
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